Am I being too hard on her

LegacyUser

Hi, not posting under usual name but just a quick one. I brought my new g/f of 3 months home last weekend to meet my folks. She got on great and everyone hit it off fine. She is a very kind soul but very intense and deep and spiritual. She was speaking to my folks like she knows them for ages. She is a buddist and very much into it, im a lapsed catholic and don't care an enormous amount for religion but still went along to mass with my folks who go every week just out of respect to them and not to be awkward and it was grand, new girlfriend offered to come also and enjoyed it (she is born catholic and went to catholic schools etc). She mailed me this morning and said she got my mum a present for her birthday next week which is a book about god, she also picked up small presents for my new niece whom she hasn't met and my sister who has recently become pregnant and everyone is thrilled about. I just feel that she is trying too hard and doesn't need to do all this as i don't feel that it is very normal for someone i know 3 months. Buying my mum a book about god for her birthday after meeting her for one day and night is a little bit over the top i feel, a card would be a lovely gesture and not even acknowledging it would be perfectly acceptable too. She is suggesting sending the book as a present from the both of us, I would normally send my mum a few quid to but herself something nice. Am i being a complete dick and a stick in the mud? It just feels too much and a bit wacked out for me. Thoughts please if anyone has got to the end of this. Thanks.

LegacyUser

Ah here, this is way over the top..I'm sure your girlfriend is lovely and honestly believes that she's doing this really nice thing, but I think if a guy I was with bought my mum a book about God (and she goes to mass everyday) she'd find it very odd. You're going to have to have a chat with her about it. I mean, if she's as spiritual as you say, I'm sure she'll understand that people differ on how they celebrate their religion. Maybe say that even though your mum has a great belief in God, she's fairly private about it and may not appreciate a book on the matter? Are the other presents religiously themed too? There's no need for her to be buying presents at all but at least it demonstrates that she's generous and kind..

messygirl

When I go over to my boyf I get fed and tea and all that so I like to do little things like bring their favourite cake, or they love organic honey from farmers markets so I buy that and bring it over as a thank you. I dont think buying a present for your pregnant sister and niece is over the top, but let her send the god book and have a quick word with our mum explaining. my parents arent great at present buying, my boyf got golf balls and some golf stuff even though he doesnt play cos he mentioned he wouldlike to take it up, but i always explain to him "mum and dad are trying just in case you think it is weird" When i met my boyf family first i was the same, its nerves. Dont worry about it, tell her gently no need to try so hard everyone loves you! and reassure her she is liked and accepted and soon her casual self will come out.

Oh The Humanity

I just feel that she is trying too hard

Aw, she is......I agree take her aside and explain its all a bit intense and to calm down.

I mean she only met them once, I agree a card would be a nice idea. She can leave the book to one side and give it at Xmas if ye are still going out then.

She is trying to please but if she goes over the top they might think her a bit weird and needy!

Sounds like a decent girl, just needs to calm down a bit!

T Corolla

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, not posting under usual name but just a quick one. I brought my new g/f of 3 months home last weekend to meet my folks. She got on great and everyone hit it off fine. She is a very kind soul but very intense and deep and spiritual. She was speaking to my folks like she knows them for ages. She is a buddist and very much into it, im a lapsed catholic and don't care an enormous amount for religion but still went along to mass with my folks who go every week just out of respect to them and not to be awkward and it was grand, new girlfriend offered to come also and enjoyed it (she is born catholic and went to catholic schools etc). She mailed me this morning and said she got my mum a present for her birthday next week which is a book about god, she also picked up small presents for my new niece whom she hasn't met and my sister who has recently become pregnant and everyone is thrilled about. I just feel that she is trying too hard and doesn't need to do all this as i don't feel that it is very normal for someone i know 3 months. Buying my mum a book about god for her birthday after meeting her for one day and night is a little bit over the top i feel, a card would be a lovely gesture and not even acknowledging it would be perfectly acceptable too. She is suggesting sending the book as a present from the both of us, I would normally send my mum a few quid to but herself something nice. Am i being a complete dick and a stick in the mud? It just feels too much and a bit wacked out for me. Thoughts please if anyone has got to the end of this. Thanks.

No you are not been too hard she and you are onlt together a short while and a card would suffice at this early stage. She sound likes a really nice girl who think with her heart and maybe you need to steer her gently in the right way. All the best

puglover

AH give the poor girl a break, she is being nice.

Like what possible negative outcomes could this have?

Oh The Humanity

puglover wrote: »

AH give the poor girl a break, she is being nice.

Like what possible negative outcomes could this have?

Well, the family might feel a bit awkward. They might feel she is being a little bit over-familiar......

LegacyUser

Ah its just i wouldn't be used to someone being that nice/genuine or maybe im sceptical that she can be like that even though she is. Maybe im looking for excuses i don't know. Thanks though for all your opinions an advice.

puglover

Yeah they might... god forbid them feeling a bit awkward. ...Hardly a big deal. TBH the fact that she asked him to say it was from both of them really discounts that.

On the other hand they might appreciate the kind gesture.

jeckel

i think you are being a bit hard on her, lighten up man, who cares.

either you like that she's very intense and deep and spiritual or you don't, it has upsides and downsides and you should probably accept both if you're serious about her.

R.D. aka MR.D

Everyones family is different so maybe in her family that is what is expected so she doesn't find anything strange in it. My OH's mum would love a book about God but mine would think its weird.

You just have to explain to her that your family does things a bit differently.

As for her suggesting you send it together, maybe in her family if some one gave her mum money to buy something herself that would be really rude.

As I say everyones family is different and it might be a case of explaining how things are done in your family.

She seems like a genorus nice person.

LegacyUser

Some people are saying it's too early for her to be buying presents but that all depends on the people involved and on the relationship. For some people they may already be in love by 3 months, for others it's still 'just a bit of fun'. It all depends. My first reaction was, 'isn't that a lovely, sweet thing for her to do?' Considering she's met your mother and it's her birthday next week I would think it entirely appropriate to acknowledge her birthday, rather than ignore it. A book on God may be a bit much for your mother, in which case suggest that maybe instead she gives your mother something more general, like flowers or nice bath salts, etc. If it's too late for that maybe just have a brief word with your mother to explain, like mentioned above. As for giving it from the both of you, just explain to your girlfriend than you already got something for your mother yourself and you think it better than you give separate gifts.

As for gifts for the niece and sister, I don't think that's too bad. Unexpected certainly, but still a nice gesture. If you really think it'll freak out the family explain that gently to your gf but don't accuse her of coming on too strong, just say different families have different attitudes towards these things and you think it better to leave the present giving until your sister has given birth for example, at which point they will have met.
My family are very bad at remembering everyone's birthday, buying presents, etc. whereas my boyfriend's family always make a big deal out of everyone's birthday. Partly it's to do with sheer size (I've loads of siblings, he has very few) and partly it's just the family dynamic. Neither family is "wrong" and you don't want your gf to feel like you think what she's doing is wrong, just that you know your family better than she does and you think it would be better to not get gifts for people she hasn't even met yet.

The key is not to accuse her of anything as that will put her on the defensive, just explain gently that you think this is unnecessary in your family's case. Or maybe you're jumping ahead of yourself regarding your family's reaction and you should just let her do it and your family can think, 'oh what a lovely, thoughtful girlfriend he has'.

puglover

Seriously, I think people are making a bit too much of a deal out of this. In fairness what are they the mafia..."sorry love thats not the way it's done in this family"

It's a couple of simple gifts... does anyone seriously think that the OP's family are going to be freaked out by it. Who in their right mind thinks "OMG, who does this girl think she is..how dare she buy us gifts" At the very worst they'll be a bit surprised and maybe think it's a bit odd but what harm. They might as well get to know the girl if she is going to be a part of their son/brothers life..... hmmmm

I think it's the OP that is freaking out, doesn't want her getting over familiar with the family in case he isn't sure he wants her as a part of his life for that long. Should have thought of that before he brought her home to meet them imo

spurious

OP - is your gf Irish?
Many other countries are far more generous with presents early on in a relationship than we are. It seems a little over the top to us, but I'm sure your family will not offend her when they accept them.

messrs

i think she is just trying to please and to be excepted, when i met my bf's folks for the first time and found out his dad ws into gardening, i bough him this garden clock (tacky now i no!) but at the time i tough oh ill do it to impress & same with his ma, i bought her stuff related to her interests,
2.5 years later he still slaggs me bout it , but he knows i done it all in good faith - but he never told me to calm down on it or anyting, i just kinda stopped after a bit

LegacyUser

spurious wrote: »

OP - is your gf Irish?
Many other countries are far more generous with presents early on in a relationship than we are. It seems a little over the top to us, but I'm sure your family will not offend her when they accept them.

She isn't, but not from far away. Folks like her a lot too. Maybe it is me who is freaking out a bit. Just used to things being a little bit cooler for a while i guess when starting out with someone. Perhaps i take a while to fully trust and be open to people.....

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Just used to things being a little bit cooler for a while i guess when starting out with someone.

If that's the case I think taking her home to meet your parents is probably giving her the wrong signals.