Not sure how I feel anymore

LegacyUser

Hi all. Would like your input on this situation. Been with a girl for 4 years but for the last 9 or 10 months things haven't been good. We tend to argue a lot but this is made worse by the fact that I'm not really attracted to her anymore. Sex has been non existent for months. I'm not sure what to do about this because I still love her and feel that I (might) be lost without her. I have this constant tug of war inside of me that has me not really fancying her anymore yet fearing life without her and feeling scared that if I do break up with her that I will soon realise that I made a huge mistake and want her back. On one hand I'm telling myself that I'm being extremely superficial by placing such an emphasis on looks and that there is more to a relationship and on the other I'm saying that looks are very important because they partly determine sexual interaction. I will add that this girl has not changed a single bit physically since I met her. She is the same now as she was the day I met her and so the problem rests 100% with me. She has done nothing wrong but I find myself trying to control her and get her to exercise more which I know is not fair. I feel very lost at this point. I'm not one for change and I think this hampers my decison making. Anyway, over to the floor, I'm sure there is someone here who has seen a situation like this.

Many Thanks,

SP

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think lots of couples go through phases like this, I am with my partner for years and I remember a time a couple of years ago when every little thing he said or did irritated me so much that I couldn't stand him to be near me. No particular reason for this that I can think of apart from a younger guy coming onto me one night when I was out, then texting me.

I think if you are with the same person from the time that you are very young and if you both are not working at thr relationship it can become stagnant. Thankfully I am 100% back to normal now, It was excitement of somebody younger telling me I was attractive that got me thinking about what I might be missing. It took a while to figure it out, my BF tried so hard and felt rejected for a long time by my behaviour. He never knew why.

If you really love this girl, then there is a good chance that things will turn around again for you, this might seem impossible to you now, I wanted to run away at the time! Work at it and if there is no improvement then maybe its time to move on to be fair to her. Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi op

Why dont you try let her know how you feel (obviously dont say you are not attracted to her) try sort out why your sex life is non existent at the moment.

Sit down and chat about why you two are arguring so much. Try work on your relationship and you might be able to save it. You obviously care enough or you would not have posted this. I dont think you are 100% blame as the two of you are arguing and the two of you arent having sex. Not just you.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I must admit I am in a very similar situation to the OP. Only mt girlfriend has changed physical since I first met her. Her weight seems to balloon up and then she spends months at the gym getting it off.

I am not saying that is the reason for our problems, but like the OP, I am in love with her, just not attracted to her. Sexual relations is none at present from about the last 3 months. She is now always coming on to me (when it used to be other way around), I am constantly making excuses.

People say work at the relationship, where does one start?

I should mention this is my first serious relationship, so maybe in the back of my mind - I am thinking the grass may be greener elsewhere.

Oh The Humanity

Hey, if the sexual attraction is gone, its over. Simple as that.

If you don't want to jump her bones then there is no point flogging a dead horse. Its not fair on her.

I have this constant tug of war inside of me that has me not really fancying her anymore yet fearing life without her and feeling scared that if I do break up with her that I will soon realise that I made a huge mistake and want her back.

Well you see thats not a good enough reason to 'keep her'
Fear that you might regret letting her go. If you don't fancy her any more, the relationship is over.....many people do go through this 'push/pull' type of cycle, but ultimately I think what you have said above indicates you are finished with her but until something else comes along you are holding onto her 'just in case'

Which isn't fair on her and also you too. You should be with someone who is right for you.

Sometimes when everything other than sex is right in the relationship people cling on because they are friends/daily companions and they try to spin this into a proper full relationship but it isn't.

I know its incredibly confusing but if the attraction has played out then its gone so let it go. Life is short.

LegacyUser

Guys, thanks for the replys. The constant argueing doesn't worry me so much because its been a constant. We are both fiery individuals and we often bounce off each other. Like somebody said, this is my first major relationship and I can't help thinking there is better things for me elsewhere. The advice is excellent and I'll use it as best I can.

Moomoo1

Unregguy wrote: »

Anyway, over to the floor, I'm sure there is someone here who has seen a situation like this.

had one just today in fact...

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055627611

It's difficult to separate cause and effect in your posts, so maybe you should discuss things with her and see how you can restart your sex life.

nlm1980

Wow.. I am that girl at the moment. My boyf of nearly 3 years had become distant and announced he loved but has to leave to know if he wants to be with me or not. We had been arguing a bit and I know there is problems we have skirted around. He does not want to face them or fix them. If you really really love her then do everything you can to fix the problem before you bow out.
Do it for my broken heart

G86

I know exactly how you feel, was in a very similar situation 2 years ago. The problem is that no matter no much you might WANT to want to be with someone, you can't make yourself feel that way. You obviously care about your GF alot; but the thing is that you're trying to change her, and if you don't love her for who she is then you really should let her go so she can find someone who does.

If you're unhappy, she's going to be unhappy. I look back now and see how horrible I was to my ex, but he put up with it and never complained - because he loved me and wanted to make things right. Don't put her in that position.

I know it's the hardest thing to face up to when you realise that your feelings have changed, but it's important that you do that and make sure that you cause her as little hurt as possible. But remember that you've no reason to feel guilty - you've done nothing wrong and neither has she.