Don't know what to do

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm sorry about the length of the post, please bear with me.

I'm 23 and have been with my partner for 2.5 years. We've been living together for 1.5 years and I'm 7 months pregnant with our first baby. But lately, I've been really unhappy.

About 12 weeks ago there was slight problems in that i caught him texting other girls in a not so innocent manner. We kinda worked through that and agreed to go to counselling to sort it out properly. I organised an appointment with a counseller but he ended up being late collecting me to go and we missed the appointment. At that stage, we agreed he would organise the counselling and now, probably 10 weeks later despite numerous mentions from me, nada.

Then around 2 weeks ago, we found out that his brother has got addicted to hard drugs which has just messed us around more. To put it briefly, we had loaned money to his mum which I later found out was used to buy drugs for her son (i'm staying out of that one). Now this weekend, we had no money to the extent that there was no food in our house and when he asked him mum for the money, she gave us a tenner. I understand shes probably struggling but he acted fine with his mum and took his frustrations out on me (he always does this with everything that bothers him). I was upset because I was starving and had nothing to eat (and reminder, quite heavily pregnant) while his brother is out banging up with our money. When I got upset it was pretty much put in a roundabout way that this was somehow my fault.

Last week after a bust up, we sat down and he said he needed to go to counselling himself cos of things from childhood and I agreed it would be for the best. He rang the samaritans and organised a meeting with them. They then pretty much said that they cant help him with everything going on and gave him details of service that would. Now, a week later he hasn't even looked the service up let alone contacted them.

Don't get me wrong, when hes good hes amazing and I love him so much but I can't handle the bad anymore. He works nights and sleeps literally from the moment he gets home to the moment he has to get up for work. I've said to him that its not very fair and will have to change because of baby and all and he says it will once the baby arrives but I don't see it happening. And when hes in a bad mood (pretty often) he will snap at me for no reason and he does little petty nasty things that aren't serious at all but he knows will upset me.

Ever since the whole thing with texting girls, I've been fairly up and down and think I'm a bit depressed. I know I'm hormonal etc but he doesnt seem to want to understand that. Even though I know I want and will love my baby more than anything in the world, I can't help but resent it slightly because everythings messed up since I got pregnant.

I've thought about this a lot and tried talking to him and telling him how unhappy I am, and things get better for a day or two but then its back to the same old crap. So as much as it hurts I'm pretty decided that I don't want to be with him anymore...but thats where my problem is.

I work in a low paid job and could barely afford to support myself alone without the baby. Once the baby arrives I will be on government maternity benefit which would barely cover my rent. I've looked into it and even if I got rent allowance, it would leave me with €80 a week to support both of us which I don't think is feasible with the price of nappies and formula etc. And I'm pretty sure the average maintainance is pretty low as well and courts would end up being involved knowing him.

I don't get along with my family at all so can't turn to them and have pretty much no close friends who I can turn to. I've spent ages thinking about this and feel like I'm stuck. If I leave him, I will be completely on my own raising this baby. I probably couldnt go back to work because I dont think I could afford childcare on top of everything else with my wages so would be completely alone with baby. Both on a financial basis and a support basis, alone. This scares me so much and whats upsetting at this stage is I would also be on my own for labour which scares me a lot.

Does anyone have any advice they can give me on this? Would really appreciate it. I just feel like I'm completely run out of options right now.

LegacyUser

Financially, you can recieve a one parent family payment of 280.00 a week as well as rent allowance. If you dont go back to work after having the baby and choose not to stay with your partner, there are many organisations which can help you. So always know that there is the option of leaving.

Kimia

He sounds very immature tbh OP and I doubt he's going to change much when you have the baby. So you're going to be 'on your own' in a way anyway because I wouldn't count on much support from him.

It's sad, but I would leave him. I would check out all the different options about welfare and benefits and that, and sort yourself and the baby out. Then think about if you want him in your life.

He doesn't sound like a good boyfriend btw. He sounds awful - texting other girls when you are pregnant - that's a major red flag. Don't put up with it or you'll wake up some day when you're in your 40's with 3 kids with this guy and no life, no friends, no family to lean on, nothing. Don't let that happen.

OS119

OP,
the stuff about texting and generally being a bit if a twat is rather small beer to what - as a bloke with kids - is the central issue as displayed by his behaviour with his mum/brother.

he should be in exclusive family unit of bump, you and him - in that order - and everyone and everything else has to to fit around that family unit and its best interests. but he's not. he's in family unit of mum, him and brother - you just happen to be a place he's staying, but you and baby ain't on his list of priorities.

whatever your personal feelings, he is not going to be a fit father with that atitude, and if he's not switched on at 7 months he isn't going to. further, should he stay around with this atitude he could be threat to the childs welfare: lets say you've got €300 left till next payday, its do-able but you'll not be going to Barbados for a fortnight anytime soon, but his mammy has a problem with loan sharks or the retards heroin habbit and she needs €200 right now - who do you think is going to get the money, you and baby, or mammy and his vein-busting brother?

what was do-able on €300 is impossible on €100, and guess who's going to pay the price for his decision?

get him out, now.

if you're going to have to give up work anyway, and you're not close to your family and have no local ties, move some where where you'll get more flat for your rent and join local mother and baby groups, you'll find people in the same boat as you who will babysit, and with whom you'll be able to pool resources (cash) to get better deals on bulk-buy purchaces of nappies, babymilk etc...

its not good, but its better that kepping baby in a sh1t-filled nappy becauce its 'loving father' has given the house-keeping money to a drug addict...

evogirl

Op,what a tough situation your in. But believe me there's always a way out. I suggest you contact your local citizens advice bureau, i found them great when i split from my child's dad in letting me know my entitlements. Best of luck x