Jokes from my phone.....

beertons

An Irishman cleaning his rifle, shot and killed his wife. He dialled 999.
Paddy, "It's my wife, I accidently shot her, I killed her."
Operator "Please calm down sir, can you just make sure she is really daed."
Click, Bang.
Paddy "Ok, done that. Now what."


Two men walking down the road see a blind dog shagging the fúck out of a cabbage. One bloke says to the other, "Poor bugger, must have thought it was a collie."


Mary had a little lamb,
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went
Up it's arse
And turned it's wool to nylon.


Blonde starts working as a painter. Knocks on mans door to look for work. He tells her he'll give her €50 to paint the porch. She agrees so he directs her to the garage to fetch the paint and ladders. His wife overheard the ordeal and asks the husband if the blonde knows the size of the porch, that it would take hours to do and surely would cost hundreds. Husband tells wife to be quiet. Knock comes on the door half an hour later. Blonde says she's finished, and had enough paint for 2 coats. "And by the way," she says, "it's a ferrari, not a porch."


Wife buys a pair of crotchless knickers to try and spice up sex life. Puts them on with a very short skirt, sits on sofa opposite husband and opens her legs. Husband says to her, "have you got crotchless knickers on"?
"Yes" she replies.
"Thank god for that, I thought the stuffing was coming out of the settee."


Mick told Paddy to close his curtains the next time he was shagging his wife.
Why asks Paddy.
Because yesterday you were shagging her, and the whole street was out watching and laughing at you.
Well says Paddy, the joke is on them stupid eejits, 'coz I wasn't even home yesterday!


10 insults for women:
1. She's seen more helmets than Hitler.
2. Got a fanny like a badly packed kebab.
3. Face like a painters radio.
4. Her fanny's like a hippo's yawn.
5. Been shot over more times than Baghdad.
6. Handled more balls than David James.
7. Got piss flaps like a gutted trout.
8. Seen more stiffs than Quincy.
9. Been cocked more times than John Wayne's gun.
10. Even a sniper wouldn't take her out.


Why are girls at parties like parking spaces?
If you get there late, all the good ones are gone, so when no one is looking, you stick it in the disabled one.


The dog truely is a mans best friend. If you doubt this, lock your dog and your wife in the bot of your car for one hour, then open it. Which one is happy to see you!


Your dog is barking at the back doot, and your wife yelling at the front door, which one do you let in first?
The dog of course, he'll shut up the moment you let him in.


Blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man tod her it would cost her €300, she said she didn't have that type of money, but she'd do anything to send the message.
"Anything", asks the man.
"Anything", says the girl.
"Follow me", says the man, and he walks into the next room. He ells her to get on her knees and take down his zipper. She does as he says.
"Now go ahead", says the man, "and take it out."
The girl raeches in, and grabs it with both hands and paused.
The man closes his eyes and whispers "go ahead."
The girl brings her mouth slowly closer to it, and while holding it close to them gently said "hello mom, can you hear me."

The End.