How do you know?

LegacyUser

I'm a bit confused over my feelings for someone at the moment so I'm hoping to get some opinions or advice that might help me sort it out.

Without going into too much detail of my situation yet:
How do you know if you love someone romantically or just like them as a friend? What would you say the key differences are between the two form of affection in terms of how you act towards them and how you think of them? What are the main requirements that have to be met in order for you to say you're "in love" with someone?

Thanks

Liam Byrne

Now THERE'S a million dollar question for a Tuesday!

I don't think that either (a) I have all the answers or (b) there isn't a grey area in all of the items below, but here's a starting point for other posters to add to/edit/remove from:

1) Do you think about them more than other "friends" ?
2) Do you really like being with them, either on a fun night or on a quieter night ?
3) Do you kinda fancy them (in either a passionate or a "curl up together" way) ?
4) Does it sting just a little if they're with someone else or talking about someone they like (even though you're "happy for them") ?
5) If you were with them (tough one this, coz it's hypothetical) could you see yourself ruling out someone else on a night out ?
6) Could you see the two of you together longer-term ?
7) Is the conversation a mix of flirting as well as the "mundane" or talking things through as friends ?
8) Do you know their "faults", and do they know yours (coz no-one's "perfect") and accept them or love them all the more for them, laughing together with/at them ?
9) Could you imagine a reasonable amount of passion between you if things did develop, or is it definitely "platonic" ? (Sex isn't everything, but you'd need to have some spark, or have the potential for it to develop if you got to know each other "in that way")

Shelli

Well put, it's definatley a start....i think the question about them being with someone else is important...it's certainly the first inkling I've always had about having feelings towards people, real feelings.

Liam Byrne

I wanted to make a "Top Ten Signs", and I thought of one. And it's the biggest one, too :

10) Whether they think roughly the same way!

You can't be "in love" with someone who doesn't, because it'll wear off VERY quickly through being "unrequited" and frustrating. You need to be at least somewhere in the same book, if not on the actual same page.

Shelli

Don't agree totally with that, you can be in love with someone, even if it is unrequited, you may be able to put it out of your mind, even forget about it if determined enough, but it's likely to rear it's head again sooner or later, if the feelings were true.

The same goes for "true love", i think it is possible for that feeling to pass, even if the love is requited. It's a fickle emotion IMO.

Liam Byrne

Not saying that you can't get there' Shelli; unfortunately it can happen.

But it's just that it'll wear off and/or wreck your head. Proper love needs to be reciprocated and nurtured.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies. Just to clarify this is about my partner who I'm currently living with. I got into the relationship relatively young and inexperienced (3 years ago, I am 23) and now have very serious concerns that my feelings for them have changed. I'm going to go through the questions Liam Byrne posed, to help me sort things out and maybe get more opinions.

1) Do you think about them more than other "friends" ?
Yes but I do live with them so I think that's reasonably normal. I don't tend to miss them when we're apart, even if for a period of a week or more and even find myself a bit annoyed if they call and it pulls me away from whoever I'm with.

2) Do you really like being with them, either on a fun night or on a quieter night ?
Yes, but I find myself wishing for more alone time too and I've enjoyed living with other friends in the past. The difference there was I could close my door for some privacy and space if I wanted. The resentment I feel over this is overwhelming sometimes.

3) Do you kinda fancy them (in either a passionate or a "curl up together" way) ?
I like the comfort of someone to cuddle up to and hold hands with but rarely initiate sex anymore. They're not my ideal match physically or sexually. I find myself masturbating more often than not which I know is not good.

4) Does it sting just a little if they're with someone else or talking about someone they like (even though you're "happy for them") ?
Not a real situation that's cropped up, we chat openly about other people we fancy and have a laugh about it but I honestly don't know if them being with someone else would bother me or not.

5) If you were with them (tough one this, coz it's hypothetical) could you see yourself ruling out someone else on a night out ?
We go out regularly enough and I do find myself looking at other people and wishing I could be with them but it's not something I would do while in a relationship so I'm not sure.

6) Could you see the two of you together longer-term ?
Yes and no. We could go on like this forever but these feelings of doubt have only grown since I first felt them so I don't know if I would eventually explode.

7) Is the conversation a mix of flirting as well as the "mundane" or talking things through as friends ?
A little bit of flirting but nothing comes of it. It's mainly stuff I can imagine talking about with any of my friends. I often find myself tuning them out as I try to concentrate on other things or simply be alone with my thoughts.

8) Do you know their "faults", and do they know yours (coz no-one's "perfect") and accept them or love them all the more for them, laughing together with/at them ?
We know each others faults and are fairly tolerant but sometimes their reasonably negative, impatient personality really gets me down and I find it rubbing off on me. I feel so angry and frustrated with them sometimes

9) Could you imagine a reasonable amount of passion between you if things did develop, or is it definitely "platonic" ? (Sex isn't everything, but you'd need to have some spark, or have the potential for it to develop if you got to know each other "in that way")
As in 3), sex is pedestrian, infrequent and far from my ideal.

10) Whether they think roughly the same way!
Yes, she talks and acts very much in love with me, and I if I don't love them I do still like and care about them which is what makes this all so hard. I feel so cruel even posting this.

Stheno

OP I don't mean to be blunt, but based on your responses, this is not someone you love, you may want to reevaluate your relationship and whether or not you want to be in it/what it really means to you.

Best of luck.

TriceMarie

Howdoyouknow wrote: »

I'm a bit confused over my feelings for someone at the moment so I'm hoping to get some opinions or advice that might help me sort it out.

Without going into too much detail of my situation yet:
How do you know if you love someone romantically or just like them as a friend? What would you say the key differences are between the two form of affection in terms of how you act towards them and how you think of them? What are the main requirements that have to be met in order for you to say you're "in love" with someone?

Thanks

Well,and you're gonna probably be angry with me for ssaying this,but it really is different for everyone...


However,I would think that there is a fairly good chance that you are in love with them when:

1.You think about them alot
2.You want to be with them alot
3.Your excited/waiting for the next time you see them
4.Get butterflies in your stomach when you see them (no matter how long you know each other)
5.When you start to fantisize OR day dreaming about your future (not necessarly as serious as marriage and babies,but just that you can imagine having a lot of fun and silly times together)
6.When you can be completly comfortable with them...and when you don't need to think of things to say or do all the time,that you can be comfortable saying nothing,just looking into each others eyes (as cheesy as that sounds,yuck i know lol)
7.When you can say things to them without worrying if it will sound stupid
8.When the tought of not having them in yur life would crush you
9.When you re read their txts&photos
10.When you have no doubts,when you can just let things be
11..When they make you happier than you've ever felt
12.When you like the person you are when you're with them
13.When you feel like you could tell him anything
14.When you light up when he sends you a txt in the early morning
15.When you don't cringe when he calls you beautiful etc. lol ...when you melt
16.When you feel safe in their arms
17.When you wouldn't wanna be anywhere else
18.When you don't wanna leave them

LegacyUser

Just wait. your feelings will clarify in time

shellyboo

Howdoyouknow wrote: »

1) Do you think about them more than other "friends" ?
Yes but I do live with them so I think that's reasonably normal. I don't tend to miss them when we're apart, even if for a period of a week or more and even find myself a bit annoyed if they call and it pulls me away from whoever I'm with.

2) Do you really like being with them, either on a fun night or on a quieter night ?
Yes, but I find myself wishing for more alone time too and I've enjoyed living with other friends in the past. The difference there was I could close my door for some privacy and space if I wanted. The resentment I feel over this is overwhelming sometimes.

3) Do you kinda fancy them (in either a passionate or a "curl up together" way) ?
I like the comfort of someone to cuddle up to and hold hands with but rarely initiate sex anymore. They're not my ideal match physically or sexually. I find myself masturbating more often than not which I know is not good.

4) Does it sting just a little if they're with someone else or talking about someone they like (even though you're "happy for them") ?
Not a real situation that's cropped up, we chat openly about other people we fancy and have a laugh about it but I honestly don't know if them being with someone else would bother me or not.

5) If you were with them (tough one this, coz it's hypothetical) could you see yourself ruling out someone else on a night out ?
We go out regularly enough and I do find myself looking at other people and wishing I could be with them but it's not something I would do while in a relationship so I'm not sure.

6) Could you see the two of you together longer-term ?
Yes and no. We could go on like this forever but these feelings of doubt have only grown since I first felt them so I don't know if I would eventually explode.

7) Is the conversation a mix of flirting as well as the "mundane" or talking things through as friends ?
A little bit of flirting but nothing comes of it. It's mainly stuff I can imagine talking about with any of my friends. I often find myself tuning them out as I try to concentrate on other things or simply be alone with my thoughts.

8) Do you know their "faults", and do they know yours (coz no-one's "perfect") and accept them or love them all the more for them, laughing together with/at them ?
We know each others faults and are fairly tolerant but sometimes their reasonably negative, impatient personality really gets me down and I find it rubbing off on me. I feel so angry and frustrated with them sometimes

9) Could you imagine a reasonable amount of passion between you if things did develop, or is it definitely "platonic" ? (Sex isn't everything, but you'd need to have some spark, or have the potential for it to develop if you got to know each other "in that way")
As in 3), sex is pedestrian, infrequent and far from my ideal.

10) Whether they think roughly the same way!
Yes, she talks and acts very much in love with me, and I if I don't love them I do still like and care about them which is what makes this all so hard. I feel so cruel even posting this.

What I've bolded is major, major red flags. Deteriorating sex life is really the death knell for the relationship - especially if you have no desire to fix it.

I think this relationship is on its way out, OP - unless you want to put some serious spadework into reviving it. And it doesn't sound like you do.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, I guess it seems pretty clear how I feel and in the back of my mind it probably has been for the last year or more, but I still somehow have doubts and fears and I can't face the idea of hurting her like this. She seriously has no idea I feel this way and "I want to be friends", "I like you but don't love you", and "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore" all seem like such hurtful cliches even if they are how I feel. Do you think I should ask for a break in case I find I start missing her or is that just being selfish? How are you supposed to break up with someone you live with and have a joint lease with?

trio

Do you think I should ask for a break in case I find I start missing her or is that just being selfish?

Oh God no - that would be a grossly selfish thing to do - tantamount to torturing the poor girl.

There are few things more unkind when breaking up with someone who loves you than being all "Well, maybe we'll see how we are after a time apart". And then the poor person is on tenterhooks for months. It's just a downright mean thing to do.

Certainly you're not in love anymore. Hardly suprising considering that you were very young to be living with someone. People develop a lot between 20 and 23.

Of course it's awful to break up with someone - it's never easy or nice to be the bad guy. And I'm guessing you have no experience of really breaking up with anyone you really cared about. So yeah, it'll be hard but to put it bluntly, you just have to do it.

Be as kind as possible, but also be quite clear that you are not "taking a break to sort my head out" but that you just don't think you suit each other anymore.

Do not, and I repeat do not, stay in the house after breaking up with her. Again, that's just torture for the poor girl. It's also incredibly bad manners.

Yes, there'll be tears - and she has a right to cry. But a clean break is best.

shellyboo

Howdoyouknow wrote: »

"I want to be friends", "I like you but don't love you", and "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore" all seem like such hurtful cliches even if they are how I feel. Do you think I should ask for a break in case I find I start missing her or is that just being selfish? How are you supposed to break up with someone you live with and have a joint lease with?

They might be cliches, but they're true. And I highly doubt you'll make it past this and still be friends with the girl - it's kind of selfish to expect that from her, tbh.

The best thing you can do for her is to just end it. Give the reasons above - the relationship is not working for you, it's not what you want it to be, you've fallen out of love with her and you think it's time to move on.

Yes, it's crap, and yes, she'll be heartbroken... but this is the choice you've made. There's no way to do it nicely.

trio

And I highly doubt you'll make it past this and still be friends with the girl - it's kind of selfish to expect that from her, tbh.

+1

You want to stay friends with her because it'll make you feel a bit more absolved of being the bad guy if you keep the friendship.

She's still friends with you therefore she still likes you as a person therefore you're not a bad guy even though you dumped her.

But a "friendship" would only wreck her head in practise.