Friend with frustration

pikachucheeks

Hi everyone,

I need help.

Basically, I've been friends with a girl since we started college together two years ago.
She has issues from her childhood and teenage years which have greatly impacted on her in her young adult life and the way she behaves around people.

When we go out, she is often rude, defensive and angry towards people. This leads to fights with whoever she's been rude to and it leaves me feeling both scared and humiliated.

She fought with a few people in our class last year and now, I'm one of the only people who is actively in contact with her. She's told me since that I'm her only real friend and thus I feel a great sense of responsibility and I want to do my best to help her.

However, trying to be a good friend to her has caused me to lose touch with other friends somewhat and I often get stressed thinking about trying to keep her happy - ie. she'll get angry with me if she suggests doing something and I can't do it, because she has no one else to go with.

She often lashes out at me, which makes me feel unappreciated. And after nights out, she'll often attack me verbally, telling me to F off and never speak to her again, then have no recollection the next day.

I'd like some advice as to what I can say to her and advise her? I'd basically like to say that I think she needs to seek professional help and control her emotions and how she deals with people...

I want to deal with this before it gets too much and we're both overwhelmed.

Otis Driftwood

The danger here is that you will get segregated from the rest of your class,through no fault of your own.

If you dont want to broach the subject head on then one tactic could be telling her you watched a TV show about someone that had anger issues because of some traumatic childhood event and that this person almost ended losing everything,her job/family/friends etc until she decided she needed to see someone professionally about her anger.Tell her that this person found it amazing to be able to vent in a non judgemental environment and that they are now happier than they have ever been.

If the softly softly approach doesnt work,simply tell her that you are sick of getting verbally abused for absolutely no reason and if she doesnt sort herself that you will have no option but to sever all ties.

Its not a nice situation to be in but do you really want to spend the next couple of years of your college life being alienated because of one persons issues.

Hope it all gets sorted for you anyway PC.:)

pikachucheeks

nedtheshed wrote: »

The danger here is that you will get segregated from the rest of your class,through no fault of your own.

Something which makes it slightly easier is that she actually dropped out. She was very unhappy, as a result of all the fighting that went on and she made the decision to leave.

I was very good friends with her and another girl in the class! The three of us often went out together. One night, nine months ago, they had a massive blow out and they stopped talking.

It's very hard, because I'm stuck in the middle - they'll text me within minutes of each other, asking me to hang out and I hate having to chose. I've also made the decision to not have a big 21st party, because if I invite both, neither will show up- both have said that to me, and if I invite one over the other, it's favouritism.

Also, if I'm going on a class night out, I can't invite her because no one gets on with her. So if I make the decision to spend time with her, it's usually just us on our own. Which means I have to try and deal with her drunken behaviour by myself.

I'm sad for her, that her anger issues have caused her to lose out on many friendships, but I can't cope with trying to solve this on my own anymore

Otis Driftwood

Well as harsh as it may sound,if she doesnt do something to change her ways then maybe you should start to distance yourself from her.It can be very stressful having to shoulder one persons baggage on your own so if she cannot see she has a problem then how are you supposed to do anything about it.

Id say try talking to her about the issue,even go as far as writing it all down and discuss it with her,tell how you are feeling,that you hate choosing between who to hang out with but you dont have much choice,that you value her friendship but this cannot continue.

Its an unfortunate fact of life that when women fall out,its usually for good so it does seem like you are well and truly snookered.

If she doesnt remedy it then pull away.You may think this is a bit mean but do you really want to spend God knows how long putting up with this crap.

Oh The Humanity

I think you will have to pull away too....you sound very kind and patient to have put up with her so far but if she is causing other peope to avoid you because of her bad behaviour then thats wrong.

I had a 'friend' like that before. I felt sorry for her because she was a bit liek you decribe that friend to be. Very angry and confrontational, always falling out with people, but anyway Id decided to give her a chance, i knew she could have a good side when she wanted to.

I did my best with her but she was impossible to deal with and I eventually tried to just fizzle it out and distance myself from her without a big bust up. But she went out of her way to have a big bust up anyway.

Well thats how all her friendships ended. Even her family just bear her through gritted teeth.

Why I tell you to get out of it sooner rather than later is unfortunately people like this can be very malicious. She is already distancing your classmates from you.

When I sort of 'broke it off' with the ex friend of mine she was incandescent with rage and spread a lot of rumors and lies about me to some mutual friends and aquaintances. Thankfully most of the mutual friends knew better what she was like but the aquaintences didn't and neither did her new boyfriend and they believed it all hook line and sinker.

People like this are spiteful and dangerous. She is already taking out her anger on you and all you did was be kind to her and give her a chance.

kittenkiller

Sounds rough OP.

You need to speak with her about these issues.
Bring it up really gently and ask if there's anything in particular about the strangers she starts on that triggers a fight or flight response for her.

Also let her know how hurt you get when she picks a fight with you.
She might not have even considered anyone other than herself in these situations.

Bring it up when both of you are sober and calm.
Don't issue ultimatums or threaten to not be her friend anymore, just bring home that friendship is a two way street.

Best of luck OP.

jmbkay

She seems like too much hard work OP