Hard to let go

LegacyUser

Hi everyone...have been reading all the posts here for a little while and you all give great advice so decided to tell you my saga and hopefully get a bit of support. My story is have been going out with a guy for almost year and a half. I'm early 30's, he's 40. Great relationship most of the time a few ups and downs but nothing unusual. All along he has talked about the future plenty of times. I have been involved a lot with his family and as he said himself it's almost like we're married. I've never thought to much about the future I guess i was just happy plodding along. Anyhow, he now tells me that he's just not ready to settle down. He just needs to go off by himself for a while. Told me that I am the 'one' and that I 'will be the one'. Asked him what he meant and he says he knows we will end up together. What do I do? Let him go off and think about it or just cut my losses now. I'm starting to go a bit mad trying to decide what to do!

LegacyUser

so he wants to sow his wild oats and when he's done he reckons he'll come back and pick up where ye left off?that's the kind of respect he has for you is it? i know where i'd be telling him to go....

ladygirl

hey -

Hes just not ready to settle down??? and hes in his 40's,, sorry but sounds like he is having a bit of a mid life crisis,,, I would speak to him and try to get to the root of the problem, this is not something that he came up with overnight it has obviously been on his mind for a while..

Ask him what brought it on, and what he means when he says you will end up together eventually... is this just an easy way for him to play the field while you sit and wait for him to be ready to settle...

I would explain to him that as great as it is for him not wanting to settle that he seems to be forgetting that "you as a woman have a clock thats ticking" and its not practical for you to sit around and wait for him..

If he really believes you are "the one" he wouldnt be doing this to you..
I think that if this is what he chooses to do, you should not wait around for him, ok moving on is easier said than done and it will take time, but do not wait for him..

keep me updated as to how you go..
all the best
xxx

LegacyUser

OP here

Yes I know you're both right. And I probably just wanted to hear that said, as sad and all as it makes me feel. I so want to move on but it's easier said than done.
Ladygirl - i will let you know how things go. Thanks

SarahSassy

OP the best thing you can do now is give him a taste of his own medicine... Get your social life back to full swing and let him off. Dont ask him to stay and tell him you are looking forward to being back on the social scene again.. He is acting like a kid... He will come looking for you when he knows he cant have you but will you want him then.

footieman

Hi Sassy let him go away and think about it as he said he would dont get angry you will only get into a tizzy its not worth it
Let me know what happens

ladygirl

Hi OP

I really think you would only expect this carry on out of a person in their early 20's certainly not in their 40's.. he has lived his life at this stage and shouldnt have enough experience to know what and who he wants in life..

I really think its unfair that he expects you wait and to cling to the hope of your relationship with him rekindling, but only after he has got whatever he needs to out of his system...

I hate to be blunt but its like hes saying "your great, but i just might be able to do better"... you seriously need to have a talk to him and sort this, and if he does what he wants then I would tell him that you have to move on with your life,,

Liam Byrne

Tell him to "go off by himself", and that you'll be doing the same.

You should be with someone who respects you. I've broken up with people I was very fond of, maybe even loved in some way, but I've never ONCE told anyone "you're the one, and I'll be back" - that's just hedging your bets and is both disrespectful and cruel.

Tell him "if I'm the one, great; let's stay together. Otherwise I need some space to myself to digest what you've said".

LegacyUser

Thanks guys....I'm taking all ye said on board. Feel a bit more in control of myself now. Just have to keep out and about, get my social life back, get my confidence back. I always said I'd never let a man treat me like this and there I was prepared to ....I think he thought we'd still be friends but told him the other day that is a no no...not now anyway, told him what all of ye said that he's going off to find his youth and look for something better. He realises now that I'm heading away from him. I'll pop on and off her for a bit and keep ye updated, plus i could do with the support.

ladygirl

good for you,, more than likely he'l be the one crawling back to you, and with any bit of luck, ul be strong enough to tell him where to go...

faceman

I had a girl tell me similar things many moons ago. So i foolishly agreed to whatever nonsense she was spouting.

She married some other dude and they have kids now. He used to beat her up too! :eek:

People will often tell you things when splitting up to lessen the blow of a breakup.

If you are splitting, best put it behind you and move on.

ManOfMystery

If you're truly the one to him, then he simply won't need to go off by himself or see what else is out there - you would be enough. Sorry.

LegacyUser

There's no need to say sorry when you give me the advice, guys are know you are alright. Today is strongest i've felt so far, day by day i'll get stronger. You know when I look at our relationship I see that I wasn't really getting anything from it anyway so i'm not losing as much as he is...he was totally dependent on me for everything. One more question...I've become good friends with his sister, she lives abroad but travels home fairly frequently, i've told her we split up and she doesn't butt her nose in and I don't discuss things with her (she's the kinda girl who'd give me same advice as ye anyway) ...is it normal to remain friends with your ex's family? She's home at the minute and wants to meet up...which was planned anyway before the break up.

ladygirl

ya i would meet up with her, as you said ye had planned that ye meet up before any of this happened, my only advice is to be careful what you are saying with regards your relationship with him, as they say blood is thicker than water, so she could very well tell him,,, i see no reason why ye cant stay in contact,

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am in the same boat as you except my ex is 27 and I am 30. I believe he wants to sow his wild oats and says he doesnt want a relationship but I am the one and he see us together married one day. He has mentioned stuff about when we are old together.

But to be honest I know that if I was truly the one there is no way he would let me go and let me sleep with other men and possibly fall in love with someone else. He has half given a timeframe of a year or two when he thinks he will be more settled.

It was hard reading those replies to your posts as its like they were speaking to me too. I love him and wouldnt let him go, but the fact he is letting me go now makes me know he cant be the one. So hard to except though!We want to believe we are so lovable and once someone knows us inside out they could never be without us!There isnt anybody out ther better than me surely!!
But I think you (we) have to do what your gut and head tells you. Your heart will catch up.

LegacyUser

Sometimes I think the older we get the harder it is to deal with break ups...maybe it's just me. Have told him that saying I'm the one and will be the one = I think I can do better than you but just in case I don't I will be back to you. Oh he denies it, just doesn't like to be told the truth. Have got good comfort from all your advice. Thanks folks