Is this an issue?

LegacyUser

Hi,

boyfriend going on a trip with a female friend. is sharing a room over stepping a boundary? There is not a trust issue but it does not sit well. Am i just being crazy or is this a little bit too much?

SarahSassy

What are the circumstances?

ceannair06

I'm going through the other side of this at the moment and I really don't think you should make a big deal of it.

Me and my friend had been mates for 8 years - holidays, sharing a room etc till he took up with this total psychobitch from Hell.

Now two years on we barely speak as she had this old fashioned idea that you can't be friends with a person of the opposite sex.

Basically, yes it IS a trust issue and clearly you, like she, has none.

Leave them alone.

Liam Byrne

Would much prefer to share a room with a trusted mate on a weekend away, for two reasons:

1) no paying of two "single room supplements"
2) have a natter and a laugh before falling asleep, instead of lying there looking at the ceiling

If you don't trust him, then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

CamillaRhodes

I just shared a twin room with my male mate while away for a weekend gig. Neither my boyfriend nor his girlfriend had any concern at all.

This is only an issue if you don't trust him. And then it's your issue to sort out, not theirs. Don't try to break up friendships (regardless of their gender), it's so destructive to your relationship.

CDfm

I have shared rooms with female friends when single and it really is 50/50 if you are close enough to share a room and get drunk together then you are close enough to get intimate.

You may not intend to but it can happen.

Lemming

CDfm wrote: »

I have shared rooms with female friends when single and it really is 50/50 if you are close enough to share a room and get drunk together then you are close enough to get intimate.

You may not intend to but it can happen.

TBH, if you're close enough to go on holidays with somebody, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etf*ckingcetra CDfm. And you don't have to be single so I fail to see why you bring that particular point up i.e. a lot of things can happen in life so why go through it worrying about them unless they happen. It's weak and nothing but innuendo.

But as SarahSassy asked, what are the circumstances OP? How long have you been a couple, how long has he been friends? When did they book the holiday? etc. We can all guess and hum and haw (and in CDfm's case throw out innuendo that implies that men cannot somehow control themselves) but we know very little to comment.

Nitxteha

My opinion is that this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue towards you.

It is just not appropiate to share the room with another female (except for his Mum, Sister or Granny) if he's in a relationship, he should find a male friend to share the room with or just pay for his own room.

I think men and women can be friends, of course, but with certain boundaries.

jdivision

Nothing wrong with sharing a room with a female friend, if it comforts you ask them if it'll be twin beds rather than a double.

drunkymonkey

ah hang on lads dont put her down ye dont know the circumstances!

i was friends with a girl for years and thought we were pretty much best friends, 'shared a room' with her and we ended up having sex, turns out she wanted more than just friendship, i was just really drunk!

we don't speak anymore due to that and it being awkward now!
so the other girl could always have a different motive, not saying it always happens probably not but something to take into account!

sorry to worry you OP
you should trust your boyfriend but keep your eye on the girl and sus her out if she actually does want to be just friends!

shellyboo

It's not about trust, it's about respect. Sharing a room with an opposite-sex friend is not ok when you're in a relationship.

It's too much. I broke up with a guy over this before - not only did he cancel plans with me to take his female friend away for the weekend, he stayed in the same room as her (separate beds, allegedly) even though I specifically asked him not to.

It's really just a shltty thing to do.

Liam Byrne

Sorry, Shelly - I don't agree.

Sharing a bed, yeah, but sharing a room, no.

Your situation is different to the OP's, in that he cancelled plans with you, so THAT was the insensitive part and he was out of line.

Yeah, it might raise eyebrows [and/or questions] in the early stages, but if there's a proper relationship established and the proper trust is there, then it wouldn't be an issue in my book.

Having said that, each to their own; every relationship has a different dynamic.

J Peterman

OP, we need more information- at the moment we've got none so we're all just describing times that this was ok or not ok from our own histories.

gillo_100

First off have you discussed this with him. As you can see different people have different opinions. In his mind there might be nothing wrong with what he is doing, in my opinion there isn't, and it might not have occured to him you would be bother. Bring it up with him and see how he reacts.

Also it strikes me as a bit strange him going away without you, was trip booked before your relationship started, are there others going away also.
Somemore details would be helpful.

Kimia

Hold on here! I TOTALLY agree with Shelly - not on at all! I am with my bf for years and totally trust him but he wouldn't dream about sharing a room with a female friend out of respect for me. It's too intimate and he wouldn't like for me to share with a male friend.

Come on people it's not on and you know it! It's not about possible cheating, tbh I'm of the mind that if they cheat they cheat, no point in worrying about it and also I have faith in my relationship, but I would be seriously ticked off.

Point is anyway that the OP feels uncomfortable about it, so he shouldn't do it, out of respect for her feelings on the subject.

If it's not a big deal to him he shouldn't care.

gillo_100

Kimia wrote: »

Point is anyway that the OP feels uncomfortable about it, so he shouldn't do it, out of respect for her feelings on the subject.

I agree with you to a certain extent, however we don't know if she has rasied the issue and if bf is aware of her feelings.

Also the fact that OP isn't going away with bf makes me wonder if trip was possibly booked before relationship.

Terodil

Totally agree with the 'respect' faction.

I would rather sleep on the street than share a hotel room with a girl (that's not my gf, obviously) while I'm in a relationship. It's not because she might fear that I was cheating on her, she knows I wouldn't, it's because *I* would consider it disrespectful to her and an ill signal. I'd expect the same in return, of course.

CamillaRhodes

Man, I'm quite shocked by the 'respect' responses.

How is it disrespectful to your partner, exactly, to share a room with somebody for whom you have no sexual interest, and who has none in you? Or is the assumption that guy / girl friendships are never without sexual frisson, and that when left alone together there will be a sexual dimension between the 'friends'? Do so many people really have such a 1950s view on inter-gender friendships?!?

I have many male friends. I have gone out and gotten drunk with them. They have been drunk too. Indeed I have shared rooms with them when on holidays. Never once have I wanted to jump their bones, nor they mine (or if they did, they certainly wouldn't act on it, out of respect for me and my boyfriend).

If you trust your boyfriend / girlfriend, you have no reason to find it disrespectful that they share a bedroom with somebody for whom they hold no sexual attraction. A friend is a friend, regardless of gender. If you can't trust your partner around his/her friends, your relationship is in serious trouble.

OS119

its entirely appropriate for two longstanding friends to share a room, especially if there is serious cost, as they have long got over the 'are we or are we not going to sleep together' stage of boy-girl friendships. they are no more likely to sleep together as two mates who happened to be blokes.

if he is trustworthy then the girl could snuggle up to him in her hold-ups, scarlet lipstick and 5 inch heels and he wouldn't slip her one, but thats a much more difficult question about the quality of our relationships, so we use strawman arguments about what is or is not appropriate for other people to do around our partners.

the respect issue isn't about him and this girl, its about you, you not respecting his ability to choose who he wants to be with, and you not repecting his ability to be within 6ft of a vagina without sticking his bits in it.

its unlikely that they're sharing a room for the thrills of it however, so its probably a cost/availability issue. sadly however, giving him a big wedge of dosh so they can get separate rooms isn't going to improve the flavour of your relationship, he'll just see you as ridiculously jealous and possessive.

CDfm

Lemming wrote: »

TBH, if you're close enough to go on holidays with somebody, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etf*ckingcetra CDfm. And you don't have to be single so I fail to see why you bring that particular point up i.e. a lot of things can happen in life so why go through it worrying about them unless they happen. It's weak and nothing but innuendo.

I suppose you have a point but all I am saying is that it increases the probability as does a few pints. Its like the argument that guns dont kill people people do -its just that a gun makes it a lot easier.

shellyboo

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Sorry, Shelly - I don't agree.

Sharing a bed, yeah, but sharing a room, no.

Your situation is different to the OP's, in that he cancelled plans with you, so THAT was the insensitive part and he was out of line.

Yeah, it might raise eyebrows [and/or questions] in the early stages, but if there's a proper relationship established and the proper trust is there, then it wouldn't be an issue in my book.

Having said that, each to their own; every relationship has a different dynamic.

Not to be dismissive of you, but blah blah trust blah pc crap blah.

It's just a no in my book. It has absolutely nothing at all to do with trust... I would expect that my partner would have enough respect for me not to put himself in an intimate situation like that with another woman.

You all know I'm pretty liberal when it comes to what I'll put up with in a relationship, I'm the least controlling gf I know... but while I have a boyfriend I expect him to maintain a certain amount of distance between himself and his female friends. Some things become for me only; that includes room and bed-sharing.

At the very least, it's dangerous territory, and any fella who gives a crap about his relationship should know not to do it, just in case it causes trouble.

LegacyUser

op here,

Been together four years. he has been friends for about two years.

I do trust him. It might just be jealousy, i guess. This is probably the Stupidest way to put it but i feel like my pjyamas are the only pjyamas he should see. i'm not jealous of the relationship. honest, id say if i was.but i just feel like it's an intimate thing, you know?

he did not broach the situation with me. it was booked and that was it.

He did it once before on a trip to london. again, i was upset but didn't say anything because like what a lot of people are saying i believed in my head there was nothing wrong with it but my heart was telling me otherwise.

Ceannair 06. i think you're being a little tough on me. i'm sorry you lost a friend but me being curious as to whether it is ok to share a bedroom with a female when you are in a relationship does not make a mistrustful monster.

Liam Byrne

shellyboo wrote: »

I would expect that my partner would have enough respect for me not to put himself in an intimate situation like that with another woman.

Can't see how sharing a room would be "intimate".

shellyboo wrote: »

Some things become for me only; that includes room and bed-sharing.

Again, when you put the two together, it's hard to argue. But (also again) I'd propose that they shouldn't be put together.

But like I said, bed-sharing WOULD be a no-no for me while in a relationship, while room-sharing wouldn't be.

shellyboo wrote: »

At the very least, it's dangerous territory, and any fella who gives a crap about his relationship should know not to do it, just in case it causes trouble.

It would only cause trouble if the o/h viewed it as trouble. If you're in a relationship, drunk or not, nothing would happen.

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

op here,

Been together four years. he has been friends for about two years.

I do trust him. It might just be jealousy, i guess. This is probably the Stupidest way to put it but i feel like my pjyamas are the only pjyamas he should see. i'm not jealous of the relationship. honest, id say if i was.but i just feel like it's an intimate thing, you know?

he did not broach the situation with me. it was booked and that was it.

He did it once before on a trip to london. again, i was upset but didn't say anything because like what a lot of people are saying i believed in my head there was nothing wrong with it but my heart was telling me otherwise.

Ceannair 06. i think you're being a little tough on me. i'm sorry you lost a friend but me being curious as to whether it is ok to share a bedroom with a female when you are in a relationship does not make a mistrustful monster.

Hmm, the fact that he didn't even ask if you were ok with it isn't very considerate. I'd be of the opinion that if a guy said "Look, i'm going to this thing and it looks like I'll be sharing a room with X, I know it's not ideal, but are you ok with it?" I'd say yes.

Not even asking you is pretty ****. If I were you, I'd tell him you're uncomfortable with it and see what he say. Just tell him what you've said above - you feel like it's an intimate thing and you'd rather he didn't. His reaction will tell you a lot.

shellyboo

Liam Byrne wrote: »

Can't see how sharing a room would be "intimate".

It is to me, and to the OP clearly. I don't know too many men who own a full set of pyjamas, so sleeping in a room with a guy means seeing him near naked, in boxers. That's pretty intimate.

Liam Byrne wrote: »

It would only cause trouble if the o/h viewed it as trouble. If you're in a relationship, drunk or not, nothing would happen.

Anything happening doesn't even enter into the equation - it has nothing to do with things happening. I wouldn't want a bf sharing a room with someone the same way I wouldn't want a girl sitting in his lap or holding his hand when he's with me. Those things are mine, simple as.

Nevyn

Different people have different standards of what they consider not to be acceptable.

IF you consider this not to be acceptable for your bf to do in the context of your relationship then you need to find away to explain that to your bf and reach an understanding.

Moomoo1

OP - in a way it doesn't really matter what _we_ think about it. If you feel that this sort of room sharing is inappropriate, then that's what it is in your eyes, and you have every right to make your feelings known. Since this is clearly a grey area (as the replies here have shown), any responsible and respectful bf would humour your feelings.

Mulan

In fairness, some people responding to this thread are really riding the moral high ground.
lets be very honest here and help someone out.
The facts are that her boyfriend is going away on a trip with another girl (ONLY) is sharing a room and has done it before and not said anything, but is telling her now.
This stinks to high heaven.
People talk about trust and the strengh of the relationship will hold it together etc etc but its all a lark, its in the grey area of relationships and the grey area gets broader and broader as respect and dignity fades away.

It might be an old fashioned opinion but its question time and take a stand time here for the op.

No foundation for the future in my opinion.

OS119

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP - in a way it doesn't really matter what _we_ think about it. If you feel that this sort of room sharing is inappropriate, then that's what it is in your eyes, and you have every right to make your feelings known. Since this is clearly a grey area (as the replies here have shown), any responsible and respectful bf would humour your feelings.

thats fine, every relationship has its own dynamic and what floats in one will sink in another - absolutes are pretty rare.

but, and its a big but, why is it that what the OP thinks is appropriate or not should overide what her BF thinks is appropriate or not - the relationship is after all one of equals, not one where one party has to exist within the parameters set down by another?

obviously being in the relationship or not is entirely up to the OP. if she likes she stays, if not she walks - and good luck to her. far too many people put up with utterly crap relationships because they fail to see the forest for the trees, but, navigating within the relationship is a partnership, not a 'like it or lump it' exercise.

if the BF has a good reason for sharing a room with a friend - its too expensive and getting two rooms would mean not having the cash to go in the first place, or there just aren't other rooms available (in exactly the same way he might share a room with a male friend), then i think she should just put her issues aside. of course if the reverse is true, they both have lots of cash and availability is no issue, then the only reason they are sharing a room is because they want to - and thats a rather different kettle of fish, and not one the OP has aluded to.

~me~

OP you've two options-

The mature one: explain why you're worried and let him put your mind at rest (or not) and decide together what should happen
OR
The more childish but perhaps more effective one: tell him its fine as long as you can bring over your male friend to stay the night in your room and see how he likes it!

I can see why you're jealous and he should have told you before he booked it. hes being insensitive.

LegacyUser

Its just toooo friendly

blogga

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

boyfriend going on a trip with a female friend. is sharing a room over stepping a boundary? There is not a trust issue but it does not sit well. Am i just being crazy or is this a little bit too much?

No youre not being crazy. He is. and she is. Let him sail off into sunset, chnage your phone and your locks. He can stay with her when he gets back.

R.D. aka MR.D

I wasn't sure before you postd your second comment OP. The fact that they have only been friends for 2 years and he didn't consult you just isn't sitting well.

If you feel uncomfortable with it you have every right to be.

He doesn't seem very considerate of your feelings. You deserve better than some one who wouldn't consult you about something you were uncomfortable with before.

Hope you get things sorted out.

BankMan

Nitxteha wrote: »

My opinion is that this is not a trust issue, this is a respect issue towards you.

It is just not appropiate to share the room with another female (except for his Mum, Sister or Granny) if he's in a relationship, he should find a male friend to share the room with or just pay for his own room.

I think men and women can be friends, of course, but with certain boundaries.

I was trying to work out how to phrase my reply. Then you did it for me. Thanks!:)

starchild

I wouldnt have a problem with it, if you trust the person you will be fine with it.

LegacyUser

I find that he has been with you 4 years and only known her 2 years very strange. If he had been friends with her before you met, then maybe it could be understandable but for him to meet a female friend while he is in a relationship and go on these sort of trips alone with her is absolutely absurd. Sorry to suggest this but is it possible he is up to no good? Either way he has no respect for your feelings.