Stressed & confused with a work problem

LegacyUser

Ok, I’ll try to break this down as best I can. Bascially I was suffering with depression for around 2 years and just over one year ago I started a job after finishing my postgrad course. To be honest, from the word go I had little motivation, interest, enthusiasm in the job and even in a lot of things in life. I even remember my first day sitting in the reception area waiting for someone to come and take me round for my induction etc, and all I was thinking was, I can’t be bothered with any of this.
So, during this year, I have not shown much enthusiasm for the work. In fairness I also figured out that this isn’t the job for me (with a recession going on I know I will be staying put). Also when I started the job, like every one else in a new position, I had to learn from team-mates and others.

Pretty much straight away I was put working on a project with 2 girls, one very experienced and one less so, and there was me: clueless. Bascially I felt that experienced girl gave very little time to me, and didn’t go out of her way to teach me or include me in stuff. She tended to turn to the other girl when there was work spilling over. The team leader would give me stuff to do, but of course I wasn’t able to do any/most of it alone, so the other two would chip in. In fact it was more the case that the leading girl would do most, and myself and the other girl would assist. This continued for my first 6 months on the job, i.e. me doing very little and not really being included in the work. Looking back on it now, I will hold my hands up and say, OK, I had next to no enthusiasm, motivation etc (depression probably), and this probably showed on me. So to a certain extent I can say I might have left myself out of things and it’s not necessarily all someone else’s fault.

Something else though that was pretty much unrelated to my work ethic/behaviour etc (I believe) was that this girl behaved like a bit of a bit*h to me at times. There were a handful of occasions when she’s pull a face at my expense when I’d say something, ever so subtley of course, (it was only me who’d notice such things, I’ve very observant etc), even if I was joking around among the group. Also, there were times when I mentioned visiting friends abroad (I’m talking cheap ryanair flights, and me crashing on friend’s floor, nothing fancy) and her face would turn to stone, almost as if she’s jealous. A number of months back I spoke about joining a gym, and starting tennis -- again, her face would drop. It all makes very little sense, as she’s a stunner and has a better figure than me. She’s married also and seems very popular so I’m baffled as to why she’d have these problems with me keeping fit, or having busy social life out of work etc etc.

Anyway, about 5/6 months in, our team leader got a promotion, and low and behold who took over as team leader? Yes, this girl! She’s very approachable, friendly, confident and in a lot of ways makes a very good boss. However, again, I still think she has some kinda problem with me. In the past 5/6 months, again, I will admit I have terribly unmotivated etc, and I will acknowledge that this will radiate from me. However, over the past 2/3 months my moods has lifted a lot, and I’m doing a lot better in life, much happier than I’ve been in 2/3 years. So, I’m telling myself that I need to try a bit harder at work (despite it not being the job for me. I want to travel next year so need to sit tight and save). Since she took over as team leader, she has given me very little to do. I get bored, surf the net, and I was once caught by my manager (not good).

So, just very recently, she has delegated work to a guy on the team who hasn’t been working on my product (there are 7 on the team, with 3 of us on one product). This guy seems to be doing work that should be done by the 3 of us. She was on holiday for 2 weeks and left myself and this other guy some vague instructions. We did our best, and followed these instructions, one of which mean’t me organising a meeting with some people from a different dept. So, I did that. Thing is, during her holiday, the manager got more involved. The manager came down hard on me when I cancelled one of these meetings. He basically interrogated me on why I cancelled (valid reason), and then went on to question why I even scheduled it in the first place. I tired to explain but he kept cutting across me and in the end I got extremely flustered and sat and listened to him tell me what’s what which included “maybe I need to have a chat with you” in a very patronising way. You would think I was after inviting the company director to a very small/trivial meeting. He embarrassed me in front of another team leader, made me feel very very small. I am also annoyed cos he had a meeting with my team mate that same morning, again without me. THis annoys me cos, 1. if he thinks I'm not pulling my weight, why exclude me from something he himself would expect me to work on/be involved with. For once I was being proactive and doing something, but he comes and rips me apart for it. but if I was more in the loop I wouldn't be doing these ridiculous (in his eyes) things. for the record, I was following my team leaders instructions. Sorry this is a side issue, but thought I’d throw it in….
So, my own team leader came back from holidays today, proceeded to have a 30 min meeting with my fellow team mate. I found out co-incidentally, and found out the jist of the meeting from this guy. Later in the day I had organised a meeting, which me, my boss, my team mate and another lady attended. I said something that was more or less wrong. My team leader looked at me with a ‘eh what you on about look’ on her face. It wasn’t nasty at all, it was as if she told me the situation but I wasn’t listening to her and made a faux pas in the meeting. My male team mate quickly explained to me the new situation. It wasn’t a major deal or anything, but I felt really left out of the loop etc cos clearly she had explained to my team mate in the morning meeting.
What annoys me is that my team leader treats me like this. I will admit that up to now I have kinda played into hers and my managers hands, cos they probably see (and maybe to a certain extent they might be correct) as a lazy yoke. But I am paranoid now that she’s leaving me to drift off down the river by myself simply b’cos she dislikes me and is secretly content watching me appear like a major dosser. The manager’s attitude towards me worries me as well. Whenever I ask for more work etc, she comes across all happy etc, and makes out she has stuff for me, but it simply isn’t happening… If I’m honest, when I’m left with little work to do, my attidude is split between, ‘omg I can’t sit here all day every day just doing random tasks for people’, and ‘I couldn’t give a fuk, if they wanna pay me to do nothing, then that’s their look out…’
I am also very annoyed at the way I was spoken to last week by my manager. I am not alone in my feelings towards him. He is very unpopular and really is a sh*t. My team leader is very popular, and I know I’m almost alone in my poor opinion of her (think one of two others have her sussed, the bit*hy side of her anyway).

So, I know I have rambled on and on, sooo sorry for the length of this post an my problem is probably very trivial. I’m sure most of you might say cop yourself on…
What do you think her problem with me is? And
How should I tackle it?

Apologise for the length of this post!!!

Babooshka

If it makes you feel any better....it goes on everywhere.
I have been on here enough times ranting about my own problems in a sh*te dead end job. There's only so much room for everyone in one place, and only so many can do the "important" stuff. Maybe your depression when you started put you at a disadvantage, maybe not, doesn't really matter now.

How do you tackle it? Don't. Don't focus on yer one. I work with someone who really really gets my goat at times. But I've just come to the conclusion now that I've just outgrown the job and am ready to move on. I'm not going to leave just cos of that, but I am going to prepare myself for when the recession ends, and it will, Ok might take a while. But I feel better already thinking that this won't last forever and even though I absolutely hardly can stand this situation, but the other one will still be here in another 20 years and I definitely won't be because I am choosing to grow and move on...sometimes I think yer one gets like that with me because she feels like a trapped old maid in here who'll never get another job cos she's here 20 years already and definitely doesn't know how to change. Mayeb this girl even though you say she's young and popular etc feels just as trapped...but that's her problem, if it is that.

Don't be too hard on yourself, maybe you need to get p'd off in order to make changes. Just do your best and try approach every day like you're going in for the first day when you deal with people and focus on the tasks rather than the people, and outside then you can look at courses etc to get the hell outta there. Unless of course you actually like the place now.

To me, working in an office is the biggest load of my anus that I have ever had the displeasure to work in. It's so sterile and boring and the people who think they're of any importance and throw their weight around are generally unusually large bell ends, don't let them get you out of your working hours, they rent you for eight hours a day, they don't own your soul!

Good luck.

kittenkiller

To be honest OP, I think you need to start pulling you weight consistently, every day each month.

It will take a while for people to get used to the "new you", but eventually they'll end up thinking that they mis-judged and under-utilised you previously.
It's really easy to get into the habit of not working or doing the bare minimum each day but that's only depressing and boring after a while.

Find work to do.
Pay attention in meetings.
Offer help to your team mates, not just your superiors.
Look at your daily tasks (if you don't already have a list of them, I'd draw one up), make sure they're all done each day and see if there's anything you can do to reorganise them to conserve time.
Give yourself time for breaks, online or otherwise.
Pay attention to anything being said to you and around you.
You mightn't like your TL but you can't do anything to change her, so try to get along.
Do something to develop your skills (teach yourself a few excel tricks or reporting processes or time managment).
Once you feel you're improving yourself your confidence will increase.
Double check everything you do.
Don't leave things half finished or unchecked, people won't have faith in your work if you're known to make mistakes.

If you spent the first part of your career there flying under the radar, it'll take some really good work and committment to be noticed for the right reasons.
Don't give up hope, it'll take a fair few months for all to be forgotten.

Best of luck OP.

Kevster

Hi,

You are entitled to ramble for as much as you want to. You want to know why? - It's healthy and allows you to release built-up anger/stress/tension inside your mind. So, write more, by all means. What's happening here though has happened - and will continue to happen - elsewhere. THis isn't much comfort to you though. Look, I think that youi must bear with it for the time being and look to the future. Start looking out for different jobs and not just those in the vicinity of where you are. You can broaden your horizons as far as you like. The job scene might not be too great, but merely by looking ahead to a better future (instead of the unhappy present) would be better for you.

WE don't always have the best cards dealt to us, but we just have to get our head down and get on with it. Don't care what others are thinking about you - Just get your work done as best as you can, and that's all you can do. Once you leave work, close it off for the rest of the day.

Take care,
Kevin