Totally confused now

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one. I welcome your opinions.

I have been going out with my OH for the last 7 years and we are due to get married in September. I'm a male and recently through facebook, an old female friend (we were never together but always got on great) contacted me to say congratulations about the wedding and that we should meet up and have food/drinks. We had been in touch but due to different issues didn't get to meet but she texted me to say "looking forward to our night out XXX." Also my other male friend, who also knows her would probably be coming along too. If we had agreed on a time/date for this, I would have told my OH.

My OH went through my phone, looking for a phone number apparently and saw the message. I have nothing to hide so I did not delete the message. Anyway, she went ballistic when she saw it. I have no intention of cheating and all I would have been doing was catching up with an old friend. Now she wants to call off the wedding. We have had our problems/rows in the past but always got through them like everyone else.

I am trying to understand where she is coming from. I can understand her point of view and what it might seem like but genuinely there is nothing sinister in what I was doing, I can say that hand on heart. I feel like she is invaded my privacy by searching through my phone, if she wanted a number she would have found it in contacts and not in the messages.

So for the long winded message but is this enough to call off a wedding over? Am I right to be annoyed over the invasion of privacy. I love her dearly and want to work it out.

Opinions welcome. Thanks in advance.

Oh The Humanity

You are right to be annoyed. That was a total overreaction.

Is your girlfriend jealous without reason normally? Is she usually possesive/controlling?

OR

Is this girl all she seems, straightforward etc? Perhaps she is a wind up merchant and you cant see through it. Not saying thats the case but it happens and something set your girlfriend off like a bomb....

LegacyUser

OP here.

Normally she is not controlling nor does she go off on mad ones. She was bullied as a child in school and one of her parents had an affair. I have had lots of female friends in the past and since we have been going out, they have dwindled away. This one female friend, I always got on well with, we would have great laugh together but thats it. Nothing else. Besides she is going out with someone else! She not jealous at all and she is definitely not a wind up merchant. I do see it from her point but I would have told her before hand. Its the going through my phone that bothers me. How many times would she have done that in the past? What if I was planning a surprise for her? If she was going to have dinner/drinks with one of her friends, it wouldn't bother me in the slightest, I would bring her there and collect her!

dudara

I've several good male friends, but even if I texted them to say "Looking forward to our night out" I'd never conclude the message with "XXXX" - I think that your friend should have been a little more respectful in her texts given that she knows you're engaged.

I think though that your wife-to-be is overreacting a little - as long as you've never given her cause for concern before. Just suck it up and reassure her. It's part of who she is.

Oh The Humanity

I agree then, this seems an isolated incident.

Chew it over with your girl and see that you both note and listen to each others concerns.

You are annoyed she invaded your phone but it doesn't look like a routine thing so don't go over the top with the recriminiations.

She might be annoyed about the XXXX's and the fact that it seemed a 'fait accomplis' even though it wasn't before you told her.

I think its more a misunderstanding than anything, a storm in a teacup if you will so go easy on each other.

LegacyUser

Point taken guys. The XXXX is the killer here. She is a great friend but a dizzy so and so! The thing is that she signs off all of her texts the same way to everyone.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I've been the female friend that the girlfriend doesn't like, mainly cos I'm single and nice-looking and very friendly. I would tend to text my best male friends with kisses at the end and even say " love ya" jokingly to them in messages/on facebook at times. I've never ever been with anybody's husband or boyfriend. I would be much more reserved in my texting though if I thought it caused problems. No guy has ever said it to me, but I sensed a girlfriend was very paranoid about me before so I backed off on the familiarity with her boyfriend to avoid any aggro. A few kisses is nothing for her to worry about, but I guess since you haven't had a good female friend in your life for a while, it could seem a bit out of ordinary to her.

Queencake

If sounds like she's just a bit sensitive at the moment. You said she hasn't been like this before so try and put it behind ye.

Tbh I wouldn't be delighted if I had been in your gf's shoes either but calling off the wedding was an over-reaction. Meanwhile your female friend hasn't much cop sending kisses in txts. I know its daft and seems silly but I know A LOT of girls who only send kisses in txts or messages if they fancy the fella or are flirting on some level. Your girlfriend obviously read into the kisses too.

She's probably a lil bit scared about getting married. Like you said, one of her parents had an affair. That probably plays on her mind more than even she might realise.

Saying that - she shouldn't have gone through your phone. But don't go crazy on her. She's obviously having issues at the moment. Ye need a proper chat.

LegacyUser

I second everything queencake has said.

And you'd be amazed how much it affects you when one of your parents have an affair - even if you try to ignore it.

Johnnnybravo

Its defo not enough to call a wedding off over.

The killler here was definately the XXX at the end of the message. Nobody wants other people texting kisses to their other half.

Just sit down and have a chat with her, its just a silly misunderstanding but most girls in her position would be weary of a girl texting kisses to their bf.

OS119

i'd disagree entirely.

this very much is reason not to get married: she doesn't trust you, its not about your mate and sticking kisses on or not, its that she doesn't trust you to stay faithful in the presence of someone who may or may not fancy you.

thats her problem, not yours - and even if you patch this up she's going to be rooting through your phone, email, facebook etc... to keep an eye on you because she doen't trust you.

get out, now.

Wurly

OS119 wrote: »

i'd disagree entirely.

this very much is reason not to get married: she doesn't trust you, its not about your mate and sticking kisses on or not, its that she doesn't trust you to stay faithful in the presence of someone who may or may not fancy you.

thats her problem, not yours - and even if you patch this up she's going to be rooting through your phone, email, facebook etc... to keep an eye on you because she doen't trust you.

get out, now.

Get out now? After 7 years together, an engagement and this sort of thing only happening once?

Give me a bloody break.:rolleyes:

OS119

Trí wrote: »

Get out now? After 7 years together, an engagement and this sort of thing only happening once?

Give me a bloody break.:rolleyes:

as opposed to the joy of a marriage with someone who, after a seven year relationship, an engagement (and doubtless a sh1tload of money spent), still doesn't trust him?

it was her first reaction, not an eventual suspicion after a few misunderstandings, but "oh my god, a text from a woman with a few xxx's at the bottom, the bastard must be upto his balls in her everytime he goes out!". she doesn't trust him an inch, and she goes through his texts (with a very poor 'excuse').

she's damaged goods, steer well clear.

Moomoo1

OS119 wrote: »

as opposed to the joy of a marriage with someone who, after a seven year relationship, an engagement (and doubtless a sh1tload of money spent), still doesn't trust him?

it was her first reaction, not an eventual suspicion after a few misunderstandings, but "oh my god, a text from a woman with a few xxx's at the bottom, the bastard must be upto his balls in her everytime he goes out!". she doesn't trust him an inch, and she goes through his texts (with a very poor 'excuse').

she's damaged goods, steer well clear.

As Tri has very well pointed out, give me a bloody break. Ok, she's a bit jealous: so what. No one's perfect. If we all spent our lives looking for the perfect partner, most of us would be single.

However, OP, I would still have a stern word with her about trust and all such like.

Astrogeek

You do see your OH perspective, she sees a text from a woman she hasn't heard you mention with kisses at the end. I imagine an agruement pursed? Ask yourself did you dwell on the fact that she had been looking through your phone without asking? Your OH already feeling very paraniod now feels that you are hiding something? She gets scared, coupled with the fact one of her parents had an affair it isn't that surprising she has reacted the way she did.

You need to talk to her. You need to reassure her that you would never hurt her. If you did dwell on the phone thing you should apologise for becoming defensive and explain you were just shocked she would come to that conclusion, that you hadn't given the x's any thought.

You probably will have to reassure her in the future that you will not hurt her. It's not fair to say she should simply trust you. Small price to pay to love someone.

Try to be understanding, even if her fears seem completely irrational.

Wurly

OS119 wrote: »

as opposed to the joy of a marriage with someone who, after a seven year relationship, an engagement (and doubtless a sh1tload of money spent), still doesn't trust him?

it was her first reaction, not an eventual suspicion after a few misunderstandings, but "oh my god, a text from a woman with a few xxx's at the bottom, the bastard must be upto his balls in her everytime he goes out!". she doesn't trust him an inch, and she goes through his texts (with a very poor 'excuse').

she's damaged goods, steer well clear.

Damaged goods? That's absolutely disgusting tbh.

So because one of her parents had an affair and it caused insecurity to this girl - she isn't worthy of him and is damaged goods? Are you actually serious??

My point is that this is NOT a common reaction for the OP's fiance. Maybe she's stressed out or a bit sensitive. She over reacted and maybe she is aware of this. We all over react sometimes. We all make mistakes. Point is - this doesn't happen all the time.

So should the OP call of the marraige cos of this? Eh - no, ffs!

OP - try talking to her and see what prompted this reaction in her. Best of luck.

Amazotheamazing

Relationships are built on trust and communication, imo. She doesn't trust you and rather than talk to you she snooped through your phone, then rather than ask for an explanation like an adult, she pulls the plug on the wedding. There's someone at fault here and it's not the OP.

Seven years is a long time to be with someone, it's pretty shocking after 7 years she still doesn't trust you, I'd think longer and harder about any potential future with her.

LegacyUser

OP here. Guys, thanks for your input and it has helped me to see it from all angles. Ok, i'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt - she was looking for my cousins number but again it comes back to - if you want a number from a phone, you will find it in contacts, not in the messages. I'm not going to dwell on it. It was stupid of my friend to sign a message with XXXX and I probably should have deleted it but I didn't have anything to hide so I left it in my phone. I guess because of what happened in the past, she can be apprehensive about things. Thats just her and I accept that. I need to reassure her.

Damaged good??!! Never. She has had unfortunate experiences in the past but has come through them and she is a fabulous person in everyway. She has a great personality, is so funny, so kind, caring and I'm very, very happy to be with her. I'd never dream about getting out now, I will walk every avenue first and then if its a non runner, its a non runner and it won't be for lack of trying.

And its only a few weeks to the wedding, it might just be a genuine case of nerves.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

I would tend to text my best male friends with kisses at the end and even say " love ya" jokingly to them in messages/on facebook at times.

But why? Is it not a bit of attention seeking?

OS119

Trí wrote: »

Damaged goods? That's absolutely disgusting tbh.

So because one of her parents had an affair and it caused insecurity to this girl - she isn't worthy of him and is damaged goods? Are you actually serious??

because you, of course, have never made a negative judgement about anybody based on something which they didn't have full control over?

you've never refused a date because the other person was too fat, or ugly, or boring, or thick, or slimey - and certainly never got out of a relationship because the person wasn't involved enough, or was too clingy, or boringly insecure or just behaved like a twat?

all of those things are things they get from their families and life experience, whether learned behaviour or genetic misfortune - but of course, since you've never had a negative reaction to anybody for any of those reasons, you get to be perfect - and probably quite crowded.

so yes, she has been (almost certainly, and who wouldn't?) damaged by her previous experience, and in this situation that damage has come to the fore and caused a problem within the relationship that is in no way the OP's fault or problem - and is there any reason to believe that the next time he gets an entirely innocent text that she 'mistakenly discovers while going through his phone at 4am' she'll behave differently?

good luck OP, but i'm afraid bitter experience says that if you think - despite any apology and a rational discussion in which everything is ironed out - that you've seen the last of this behaviour then you've been putting crack on your frosties.

LegacyUser

Some of the replies here are hilarious...recommending breaking up over this!!!

If I saw a XXX message in me missus' phone, I'd be raging too! It's perfectly natural and normal to be jealous if you see something like that.

The friend shouldn't be texting stuff like that to an engaged man. It's juvenile and can obviously lead to this kind of problem. She should have known better.

Maybe if you introduced them on a night out, she'd realise there's nothing to worry about. The "mystery friend" will always be some predatory, sex siren in your GF eyes!!!

As for breaking up over it, Jesus don't even consider it!

ceannair06

SarahSassy wrote: »

But why? Is it not a bit of attention seeking?

No, absolutely not!

I do that all the time. Or I did before a ten year friendship was put up the Swannee by a psychotic paranoid bitch similar to this guy's gf.

He has a chance to be rid of her now - can you imagine what a maniacal control freak she'll be like once the wedding ring is on ? Once the kids are here ?

He's had what most people would love to have - a portent of the future.

Run far, run fast - and change your name.

Remember, SHE called off the wedding. Just agree with her!

Kimia

Oh whatever above poster. Op ignore the crackpot above me. Insane ramblings about breaking up with her ffs.

You sound like a really nice guy and she is very lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend. Fair play for not jumping down her throat about going through your phone - I can imagine you were annoyed but you kept the head.

I'd say it is nerves if she's normally cool headed. It was a little inappropriate of the 'dizzy' girl to put xxx at the end of the text especially when she was telling you how looking forward to seeing you she is.

Also may be worth noting that women are sometimes B8tches and relish causing trouble in other people's relationships, with the boy usually being completely oblivious, while the girl's raging at the 'nuanced' flirting of the other girl with her boy. May be something to look out for.

Best of luck with the wedding.

ceannair06

Kimia wrote: »

Oh whatever above poster. Op ignore the crackpot above me. Insane ramblings about breaking up with her ffs.

You sound like a really nice guy and she is very lucky to have such an understanding boyfriend. Fair play for not jumping down her throat about going through your phone - I can imagine you were annoyed but you kept the head.

I'd say it is nerves if she's normally cool headed. It was a little inappropriate of the 'dizzy' girl to put xxx at the end of the text especially when she was telling you how looking forward to seeing you she is.

Also may be worth noting that women are sometimes B8tches and relish causing trouble in other people's relationships, with the boy usually being completely oblivious, while the girl's raging at the 'nuanced' flirting of the other girl with her boy. May be something to look out for.

Best of luck with the wedding.

Oh grow up Kimia.

It is NOT inappropriate to put "xxx" at the end of a message.

It is NOT inappropriate to say "I love you" to a platonic friend. FFS I say I love you to my dog! It's an expression of affection not a come on!

It IS inappropriate to read someone else's messages and kick off one one.

How many people committing domestic violence has first isolated their victim from their friends and family ?

They do this as it works! This insecure child is doing just that, getting him away from his friends so she has him all to herself.

It is very childish and he should get out now before she gets worse.

I'd actually like to see if anyone can possibly give me a coherent argument as to why people in a relationship should not have a close platonic friend of the opposite sex.

LegacyUser

ceannair06 wrote: »

It is NOT inappropriate to say "I love you" to a platonic friend

What a load of politically correct guff. Anyone who wouldn't mind seeing a text from someone they've never met to their partner saying "I love you" is a nutter/lying

Kimia

My good lord ceannair06 are you actually telling me that the OP's girlfriend is abusive and wants to isolate him from family and friends. Please point out to me where in the name of God you came up with evidence for that claptrap.

My above post stands.

ceannair06

I'm not saying she is abusive - at least not physically - she has all the markings of a highly manipulative person.

First, she isolates him from opposite sex friends, then same sex, then family - then (or beforehand) the kids come along and it's "we don't need anyone else, we have each other".

Before he knows it, he's stuck.

Don't tell me this doesn't happen, you know it does.

Kimia

ceannair06 wrote: »

I'm not saying she is abusive - at least not physically - she has all the markings of a highly manipulative person.

First, she isolates him from opposite sex friends, then same sex, then family - then (or beforehand) the kids come along and it's "we don't need anyone else, we have each other".

Before he knows it, he's stuck.

Don't tell me this doesn't happen, you know it does.

What are you on about? This whole thread is about the OP, not some underlying issue of yours which seems to be the theme of your posts.

Don't jump to ridiculously wild conclusions ffs. And yes of course it happens, but we have no evidence that it is happening here. Lay off.

OS119

Kimia wrote: »

Don't jump to ridiculously wild conclusions ffs. And yes of course it happens, but we have no evidence that it is happening here. Lay off.

the OP's GF can go off on one and come to interesting conclusions, why not us?

you can't pretend that you don't see anything slightly controlling/manipulative about threatening to call off a marriage - a marriage FFS, not just a big party with an expensive dress! - because you've been caught out reading other peoples texts?

not one little teeny-tiny smidgeon of a thought in the back of your head that says 'BUNNY BOILER!' about someone who threatens, not does, just threatens, to drop a 7 year (i think) relationship down the drain because of a text she didn't even ask the OP to explain?

if it had read: "can't wait to get you into the hotel and between my thighs - does that fat bitch still look ridiculous in her dress?", then she might have a point, but it didn't, so she doesn't.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Ok guys, thanks for all your input! I understand both sides of the argument, thanks to all your posts. I can understand reactions - finish it, runaway and be understanding.

The looking through my phone was a bit of a worry. In 7 years I have never, ever gone through her phone, ever and I just wouldn't unless I really needed to and I would ask her. I would give her my phone quite often to call (I have a bill phone, she is on pay as you go). I have no issues with that, like I said, I have nothing to hide and I don't ever intend to do anything with anyone.

She is really, really great girl and I know we can work through this. What worried me was her reaction? Without saying "what's that text in your phone all about?" I got "I'm calling off the wedding." So it was an extreme reaction without knowing the background to it. I have been letting her cool down over the last couple of days, so I will speak to her about it and see where we go from here. Hopefully it works out well.

squonk

She sounds like way more trouble than she's worth. If you have to keep justifying yourself to someone when you've already put in 7 years AND made a commitment to them in the form of an engagement with an impending wedding, there's something wrong. What more does she want? OK, one of her parent's had an affair. After 7 years you'd think she'd know her OH enough at this point to feel secure in the relationship and be sure of his commitment to her. He's not the cheating parent. She needs to get her head sorted out. Personally speaking, I'd be walking if this was me, and as for the assumption that this is the first time this has happened, I'm sure it's happened before, but maybe in ways that were not as noticable. She's happy enough to talk about cancelling the wedding because she seems to trust him that little. She needs to acknowledge that she has issues and get them worked out, or he needs to leave and find someone who really deserves him.

LegacyUser

I kind of agree with os119 and ceannair on this one....thou I perhaps would not draw such strong conclusions.

Bascially 7 years and engaged. If you don't trust each other at that point there is an issue. So i see two trust issues here
a) she went thru your messages and overreacted to one without asking you the context
b) you don't entirely trust her explanation as to why she was going thru your phone.....this is just as telling my friend. Why do you not fully trust her explanation?


Txting XXXX to an old friend is completely legit and harmless. It's not inappropriate. Your gf invaded your privacy and interpreted that out of context - her problem not yours. She is responisble for her own insecurities not you.


I think os119 and ceannair are overinterpreting with the she's damaged goods and the break it off stuff,
BUT
they do have a point. I think you need to ask yourself are the trust levels right between you and your girlfriend. If not then maybe thats something you need to discuss between yourselves. Only then will the way to proceed reveal itself.
as to this being a sign of deeper troubles? well maybe, maybe not. you';ll only find out by talking.

Kimia

Sorry guys, didn't realise she called off the wedding coz of this. Bad form out of her.

I can see where your posts come from now. Ooops!

Total overreaction imo.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

I kind of agree with os119 and ceannair on this one....thou I perhaps would not draw such strong conclusions.

Bascially 7 years and engaged. If you don't trust each other at that point there is an issue. So i see two trust issues here
a) she went thru your messages and overreacted to one without asking you the context
b) you don't entirely trust her explanation as to why she was going thru your phone.....this is just as telling my friend. Why do you not fully trust her explanation?


Txting XXXX to an old friend is completely legit and harmless. It's not inappropriate. Your gf invaded your privacy and interpreted that out of context - her problem not yours. She is responisble for her own insecurities not you.


I think os119 and ceannair are overinterpreting with the she's damaged goods and the break it off stuff,
BUT
they do have a point. I think you need to ask yourself are the trust levels right between you and your girlfriend. If not then maybe thats something you need to discuss between yourselves. Only then will the way to proceed reveal itself.
as to this being a sign of deeper troubles? well maybe, maybe not. you';ll only find out by talking.

This is the nail on the head here. Because this is out of character for her though, I wouldn't get too worried. Sounds like a moment of madness to me. Lets hope so and best of luck OP.

Moomoo1

OS119 wrote: »

the OP's GF can go off on one and come to interesting conclusions, why not us?

Well, let's see... because she knows him for 7 years and we do not? Because she made her interesting unlikely conclusions 'while going off on one' and we (meaning you and ceannair) are coming to interesting even less likely conclusions in the cold light of day?

Unregistered wrote: »

She is really, really great girl and I know we can work through this. What worried me was her reaction? Without saying "what's that text in your phone all about?" I got "I'm calling off the wedding." So it was an extreme reaction without knowing the background to it. I have been letting her cool down over the last couple of days, so I will speak to her about it and see where we go from here. Hopefully it works out well.

Well, if she saw what she thought was a smoking gun, the background wasn't really relevant at that point? If she thinks that only lovers write 'XXXX' at the end of messages, then that constitutes 'proof' in her mind, so there's no need for any further discussion.

The fact that it's been a couple of days and she still hasn't made any attempt to contact you is worrying though.

OS119

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Well, let's see... because she knows him for 7 years and we do not? Because she made her interesting unlikely conclusions 'while going off on one' and we (meaning you and ceannair) are coming to interesting even less likely conclusions in the cold light of day?

some people have no sense of humour....

just so we're clear, my 'unlikely' conclusion that a woman who has been seriously affected by infidelity has jealousy/possessiveness issues and has been peeking at the OP's texts and then gone off on one when she found a text from, shock - A WOMAN! and then uses that outrage and threatens to cancel the imminent wedding in order to further cement her control/possession/undying love over her BF is less likely than... what, that she's just a bit highly strug coz her dress still doesn't fit?

LegacyUser

In fairness nerves could indeed be a factor.
Thou I've never really understood the whole nerves thing about weddings.

squonk

Yes and the OP did mention that he had good female friends who fizzled away over the years. That doesn't sound right. I say this because I've good female friends who in the length of time I've known them went from being single, to relationships and then to marriage and it doesn't mean I see them any less or don't interact with them in the same way. I'm just afraid that the OP hasn't up til now been reacting to his OH's insecurities and sibconsciously distancing himself from these friends. It wouldn't surprise me if a single text results in Armageddon. I hate to admit it but she does sound controlling.

Amazotheamazing

Unregistered wrote: »

I have been letting her cool down over the last couple of days, so I will speak to her about it and see where we go from here. Hopefully it works out well.

Why are you letting her cool off? You're the one who should be thinking about things.

She goes behind your back and goes through your phone, she reads a private message, she then calls off the wedding without speaking to you about the text and you're letting her "cool off"?

You've done nothing wrong here.

Btw, you aren't very clear about how your female friends "dwindled away", what happened to make that happen? Just life getting in the way or what?

I dunno, I think you should think long and hard about someone who can take such massive, unilateral steps like calling off a wedding without talking to you.