Is this just an excuse - guys opinion please?

LegacyUser

Hi, Basically I'm really confused about what's going on between me and boyfriend right now. we've been together 2 years but the last year has been long distance (3 hours apart) and the next two years are also likely to be.
I've been away for a few weks so this weekend was the first time I've seen the OH for about a month but (as far as I was aware) everything between us was fine.
Then, on saturay morning, by boyf starts going on about our future and do we have one because, although he can see things 'working out for us in the long run' he thinks there'll be a big problem career-wise (without going into too much detail I will only ever be able to work in big cities ie. dublin and his work is v specified so he will never be able to work there).
I asked if he wanted to do something about this and he said he didn't know but then I asked if he wanted to break-up and he said no. he was also pointing out that he knew the long distance thing is particularly hard on me as I've to give up my social time (ie. weekends) whereas he usually goes out during the week. He said he was afraid I'd end up hating him in the long run for all the time I've missed out on with my friends and family. He was basically making it seem like he didn't want us to be going out any more but every time i asked did he want us to break up he kept saying no and that 'he didn't want to do anything drastic' and he 'just wanted to talk it out' because it had been worrying him and on his mind.
At this point I feel I should point out that my boyfriend is only 21 and i'm only 22. Although I do feel my boyfriend is a bit mature for his age and also has a tendancy to over-think things, is it not a bit weird that he's thinking this far ahead in life?
My question to all the guys out there is: do ye think this stuff is a genuine concern to him OR is he just using all this stuff as an excuse to break up with me in the near future?
I should also say that after alot of tears (from both of us) we decided to stay together and although he seemed fine and normal for the rest of the wekend I still felt v unsettled and upset.
Many thanks for any opinions given, no matter how harsh.

Terodil

Hard to give a definite answer on this one. I personally think that he's honest with you and has just been thinking. I believe it's actually a good sign that he brought this topic up with you because it shows that he really wants to make it work for the two of you and that he's concerned for your happiness as well.

I would suggest: Take it at face value and try to work on some compromise, if it's possible (3h aren't all that much really, if you could find some place in the middle you could easily commute). Good luck.

Zen65

He's looking to the future and wondering how this relationship is going to work. This is not unreasonable for him, and shows a degree of maturity, as you say yourself. He may also see that this relationship could be un-fulfilling for both of you if it just plays out the way it is now; ultimately if you are to spend real time together one of you needs to make a career change.

Dave147

Doesn't sound too bad OP, he seems like a decent guy but it's hard to be sure if he really wants to try and work things or if he's just setting you up for a break up.. From personal experience I had a real 'enlightenment' of sorts when I was 21, I had been with my gf for 2 years and all of a sudden I needed a change, I didn't know who I was and needed to end things with her so I could pursue other interests and see what was out there.

I also was scared of the fact that I was looking at being tied down at 21, which must play on his mind, breaking up with someone you love is very hard, so he might just not be ready.

I also don't think long distance for that length of time will work at your age, it's a time when you're getting to know the other person (still) and you need to spend time together, you're not that mature yet.

I hope it works out for you both but just wanted to highlight what is possible.

LegacyUser

thank for the replies. I think ye're right and to be honest I think a break-up would probably be the best thing to happen it's just i know the actual break-up is going to be so upsetting. but i don't know if I can go on doing this.
It's hard because we're not fighting or anything and we still love each other it's just a bad time and stuff.....if anyone can give me advice on the best way to get over a break up as quickly as possible that would probably be very useful in the near future.... :-)

OS119

dontknowhelp wrote: »

thank for the replies. I think ye're right and to be honest I think a break-up would probably be the best thing to happen it's just i know the actual break-up is going to be so upsetting. but i don't know if I can go on doing this.
It's hard because we're not fighting or anything and we still love each other it's just a bad time and stuff.....if anyone can give me advice on the best way to get over a break up as quickly as possible that would probably be very useful in the near future.... :-)

technically the quickest way to get over a break-up is a series of one night stands, but it might not be the best way to do it as it can screw you over as badly as the break-up.

getting over the break-up of a serious relationship is not unlike mourning at the death of a very close friend, it takes time, there's no rushing it - you might get plastered and feel happy for a night, but in the morning the grief for this relationship will still be there.

the great thing is that this isn't a 'bad' break-up, he didn't get anyone pregnant, or break your nose, or gamble the mortgage money on horses, or anyone of fifty things you'll find on this forum and think 'sweetheart, get the fcuk out of there right now!', its pure practicality, and with no bad feelings to complicate the grief.

its a pity, but if its for the best then you'll both be happier.