Not fitting in to the student social life

LegacyUser

I returned to college last year as a mature student (im female 32) to do a 3 year degree course full time. I was looking forward to getting stuck into student life as I missed out on this when i left school. However the past year has been somewhat dissappointing for me. I havent seemed to slot in with the other younger students, most of whom are 18/19. I am well up for doing everything that they do, going out dancing/drinking the weekend, festivals,concerts, into all the "in" groups, wear the lastest fashions, travelling etc. Im not married, single and want to be good friends with these people and maybe even make some close friends who I will possible have for life or at best a long time after college.
However it isnt happening. They see me as being older more mature and even though I go out the odd time with them they seem to bond alot closer with each other than with me.
I have done everything to be friendly, call them up to say hi, arrange nights out, invite them to my place etc but they still seem a bit distant with me. For example on nights sometimes some of the lads might might end up getting intimate with some of the girls, some fancy some of the others, but because im so much older im obviously excluded from all this, its like im not a proper member of the gang. since we all split up for the summer I seldom hear from them but I know they are all in touch with each other and going places. I just want to belong and be one of them and settle into student life but its not happening for me. What should I do to make them include me more, its like I just tag along.

unreggd

Well in all honesty 14 years is a big age gap, and as you mentioned, you seem to be trying to get back some of the teeny bopper experiences you missed out on before

So, is it just you, then all other 18-20 year olds?

They'd all be in the middle of a big changing process, just leaving school etc, and you should be past that by now

You say you're up for all their stuff like gig, clubs and travelling, is this genuine, or would you just be doin it to fit in?

I think you should join some of the clubs / socs in your college. That way you'd have a much bigger group of people to mix with, and you'd all have similar interests from the get go

I myself am good mates with some older people, usualy friends parents. I'd meet up for a chat or dinner, but we wouldnt be camping at oxegen

Just let things go and see how they are, dont try to hard to be accepted, cos you may come across as needy / desperate, which will make you less likely to be accepted


What college u in if ye dont mind sayin??

projectmayhem

Have you joined any clubs/societies? You're more likely to find people there who you'll be friends with for extended amounts of time then just in your class.

flibbertyjibbet

Has the college no specific society for mature students?

leeroybrown

unreggd wrote: »

I think you should join some of the clubs / socs in your college.

Agreed.

If there are active Clubs and Socs in your college then you really should look at getting involved. Not just to solve this issue but because I my opinion college can be a fairly bland and boring place if you don't get involved in some extra-curricular activities. I've got to know (literally) hundreds of people either directly or indirectly through Socs and most of the good friends I have left from my undergrad years are people I met that way.

I still spend quite a bit of time around University and know people ranging from 18 to 35 because of Socs and the general theme is that they're people with opinions, interests in specific things and who are fun to be around regardless of age. Conversely, I think that having to spend a lot of time around the general homogenous uninteresting student body who do nothing would drive me nuts.

flibbertyjibbet wrote: »

Has the college no specific society for mature students?

I wouldn't necessarily agree with this suggestion. I'm sure that some will disagree strongly with me but in my experience Socs like these tend to be more of a peer group for people who don't fit into other peer groups. I'm sure that they can be very good if done right but if I were in college in my early 30's I'd far prefer to get involved with a range of age groups and outlooks through other activities.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I'm just back at college myself this year but I'm 24. I didn't really talk to anyone on my course bar 1 or 2. People are so so so much younger at 18. However the lads I lived with are all 21ish and I'm part of the gang there.

Its a bigger gap for you but we're also mates with a 29 year old. Maybe live on campus next year, and get to know people that way. If I hadn't lived at college I doubt I'd hear from anyone over the summer

LegacyUser

I agree with previous posters about clubs and socs. I went to college at 24 and met loads of people of all ages from going to societies. Its good to start off with a common interest. I have to say that I socialized mainly with other mature students - even did the 18 year old thing sometimes. On the other hand I did lots of stuff that some 18 year olds would consider "dry". But I didnt care about "fitting in" with the typical student scene. I know this is such a cliche but people are people and the best way to find good friends is to be yourself and to be interested in people. Thats my 2 cents. I am 31 now and I still have good friends from college - have to say they would all be the same age as me. Hope it all goes better for you this year.

PK2008

The age thing could be an issue but to be honest it sounds more like you're just trying too hard. Not that trying is a bad thing but if you can remember back to when you were that age being "cool" or being "in" was all about not caring- the whole "like whatever" attitude and people who are over enthusiastic would usually be seen as nerds (sorry thats the only word i could think of)

I reckon you just need to step back a bit, be cool (as it were). I know you're way beyond all that but if you want to be "in" with the kids then you might have to readjust- "trying" may be the problem not the solution

Firetrap

I remember when I was a student of 17 or 18, the mature ones seemed to be soooo ancient. Even the ones who were only in their mid twenties. Worse still, they seemed to be much more grown-up than myself and my peers were, they knew what they wanted and they used to ask questions in tutorials. :eek:

OP, is there any mature student club/soc in your college? Or do they meet and greet? I remember seeing signs for those on college notice boards back in the day. Or if there are none, any other club/society would do fine. Perhaps they might be a better place for meeting people than your classes. It could just happen that the lot you're with aren't as friendly as people elsewhere in the college.

Fair play to you for going to college at your age. You must accept though that your experience at 32 is going to be different to that of a teenager straight out of school. The 14 year gap between 18 and 42 is a far far bigger gap than that of, say, 32 and 46. You need to acknowledge that and use it as a springboard for your future behaviour. Perhaps you were trying too hard last year to fit in and that was treated with suspicion. Is it any different to a guy or girl acting too desperately in a nightclub?

Maybe if you acknowledge that you're that bit older than the others and don't try to make yourself seem artificially younger, you might fit in better. I remember getting to know some of these strange mature student types in college and they were interesting people because of what they'd done in their other lives.

LegacyUser

Well IMHO there's a huge difference between an 18 year old and a 32 year old! I've just finished college and there were a few mature students in our course. They were cool people, funny and intelligent etc. and I/we all got on very well with them. But honestly I was technically still a teenager at the time and I really had no interest in hanging out with people who were a good bit older than me and that's the stark truth. You have to remember that for a lot of them going to college can be a huge change from what they're used to and it can be a time of firsts (sex, drink, living away from home etc etc). I mean even with my own sister, who is 18 and in college, her and all her mates may get on with me (I'm 22) but I'd be very surprised if they had any real interest in hanging out with me at a nightclub or whatever!

Now the thing is as they get older and hit 20/21, and hence mature, that age difference becomes less apparent. Despite being say only 4 years there's a massive difference even between an 18 year old starting college and a 22 year old finishing it, never mind a 32 year old. As others have said you're best bet if ya want make good friends, that you really can have nights out with and stuff, is to join soceities and sports clubs.

R.D. aka MR.D

Hi OP,

I hope this doesn't sound harsh or anything and of course it may not relate to your case at all.

When I was 19/20 there was a mature student in our class, he was 29.
He came out with us and even tried to come onto me! 10yr difference, it was awful! He just tried so hard to be 'cool'. He even started to dress like one of the more popular guys in the class. He was always trying to out drink us and be the most 'fun' person in the class.
We used to humour him and invite him to everything not to mean, it was quite a small class. but he was never part of our group. He tried waay too hard and he was just weird in our opinions.

now that i read your post though i feel kind of bad for treating him so badly.

also in a course i did recently there was a guy who was the oldest and he again tried to fit in but overall he just seemed so condesending because if any argument was being had he would have to win because he was older than us and of course he knew better because of his age. he was trying to have the best of both worlds.

however, in that same course there were people who were nearly 10yrs older than me and i got on with them amazingly because despite being that age they had exactly the same lifestyle as most of us--broke!

I agree with posters who say try the clubs or socs things because people who attend those tend to be more into making unusual friends or people with the exact same interests.
Also as others have said, just don't try. Try to be aloof, at that age people love people who are unavailable and cool!

nyarlothothep

I hung out with a few 29-35 year olds when I was in college. I didn't think they were any different at all and this was from 19-22. It depends on the personalities moreso imo. Check out the clubs and socs I would say.

LadyJ

OP, I'm 23 and went back to college this year. I get on fine with everyone, from the people in their teens to those in their 40s but I can't say that I have any proper friends. It is really disappointing but it's a small class and I guess there's no one in it that I properly click with. I might try join some societies next year though and make more of an effort that way.

However, when I was small, my mother went back to college. She was about 37 at the time and some of the best friends she made were 20 years younger than her. Her secret was just being herself and doing what she was interested in. She got a job helping in the SU and she also formed study groups. She was really into the subject she was studying and gave people a lot more insight into the material. She rarely got to go out because she was a single parent but it still worked for her and people were crazy about her.

I take my inspiration from that and I also take inspiration from the fact that, even though she started so late, by the time she was 41 she was starting her PHD which I'm sure she would have gotten had she not gotten sick and then died a few years later. Don't forget why you're at college. We all want to make friends but we also want to reach our goals and you should be proud of yourself for getting back on the horse.

Just be yourself and maybe join a few things. Don't worry about fitting in. Some of the best friends I've ever had are other people who don't fit in either!

Oh The Humanity

Hi OP, I know you dont see yourself as 'older' but they do. Like some other posters here there were a few mature students in my class when I was at college and they might as well have been from space!

I certainly didn't want to socialise with them or see them as 'normal' members of the class, which of course they were but you can't explain that to an 18/19 year old.

You think you are the same as them in every way, clothes/music/socialising etc but to them you are totally different. You have to accept your age and act it.

I work in an office now where everyone is 15 years younger than me. But the worst thing you can try to do is 'be down with the kids' -you will only end up embarassing yourself.

Best thing to do is have a bit of dignity, stop trying to pretend you are 19 again. You are not, try to get to know some other mature students and develop your own social life. Because although your classmates are currently being polite if you continue trying to 'push in' -you will alienate them.

The fact they allow you to join in somewhat but dont contact you when you are out of sight says that they accept you on a certain level but don't go out of the way to contact you. They think you are ok but not quite one of the group.

Accept that and leave it at that. As I say if you continue to push things they may well start to avoid you/dis-include you even in class/college activities and you will really be at a loss then.

cafecolour

I'm in my 30s and have a good number of younger mates, tho a lot of them are more early 20s. 18/19 is very young.

As many are saying, the key is not too seem to desperate and to have a variety of groups. Some people are more open to all ages, and some more like only their age groups.

Join a couple soc/clubs, develop a wide circle, and drop in on a few. Don't try too hard with anyone, have some patience, and see who seems to click with you.

weird

I am 29 now, but when I was 25 I went back to U.C.C. as a mature student. I felt so out of place I left. it was really had fro these younger students to identify with me and I with them. They saw me as ancient!

I have a flat mate now who is 20, and though I am only 9 years older than him he treats me like I am 40.

Personally, I think it gonna be hard to work out the age gap issue.

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.

12 or 13 years is a big age gap,particulary when its from early 30s to late teens.

I graduated as a mature student at 26 and the majority of my class was 20/21 and the other extreme of 3 ladies in their 40s so I was kind of stuck in the middle.

I just put my head down,did my work,went on class nights out when they happened but didnt overly tax myself trying to befriend people because if Im honest,most of them annoyed the piss out of me.They were all been put through college by their parents where as I was working to put myself through.
I had a number of friends that I hung out with at the weekend so that left me during the week to concentrate on my studies.

Thats not to say I didnt make friends with anyone,there is one girl in particular that is 5 years younger than me and I would consider her to be one of my best friends.We even lived together for 14 months after college and are still in regular contact.

I would say stop trying so hard and that you will make soem friends if you just give it time.You have to remember they are all kids so to speak,likely away from home for the first time and just arent used to meeting people that are older than them in a social setting.

As others have said,join some clubs or societies.

Most of all,work hard and finish your degree.

Good luck to you.:)

LegacyUser

I am going back to college this year to finish my degree. I have 2 years left. I am 25 and will likely be going into a class chock full of 19-20 year olds. Not that big of a gap but in the last 4 years I have matured considerably and am much much much more mature than I was at that age.

I don't particularly care for the social aspect of college. I am on a mission to get my degree so anything else is secondary. But it would make life easier if I was to get on well with the class. I'll make some effort talking to classmates and hanging out with them around college but I won't be going to the bar or clubs with the class... its just not my scene. Maybe a house party here or there.

My point is, your job is college and getting your end result academically is MILES more important than temporary relationships with people that you probably don't really like and will never talk to once college is finished.

Since you are a girl, I'll use the Rosanna Davidson example. When she was in UCD towards the end she had a terrible time because other girls were taking the piss out of her and her life in college was difficult in the last two years or so. I guess it was the typical jealousy. Anyway, she said, "I just focused on why I was there, and that was to get my degree, anything else didn't really matter".

Think about that.

LegacyUser

Hey op, fair play to you for going back and doing a degree, I did the same at around the same age (29). I didn't have the problem you had as regards trying to fit in with 18-19 year olds as there were a few other mature students in my course. But having said that I was able to make friends with one or two of the younger crowd, i have an interest in soccer, gaelic games, music and the movies so I could talk about that with them
Of course others were so immature I couldn't hit it off with them at all.
When I finished five years later all the other mature students had dropped out and I was the only one but at that stage the others in my year were 24-25 so they were a bit more grown-up and I could get on OK with them.
I never joined a single society but I was living in a house with three other lads so I never felt lonely.
I wouldn't be too worried about "fitting in" with people younger than you, just be yourself, it will get easier as time goes on.

pikachucheeks

Hi OP,

My suggestion is to try and become good friends with a few people in the class, rather than going out of your way to try and be friends with them all.

Don't rush anything! If you develop a genuine friendship with one or two people, you'll be invited to social events by them and you'll get in with their groups of friends as well.
Plus, it's better to make a few deep, lasting friendships, over twenty acquaintences ... I think, anyway!

As people have mentioned, joining your college's clubs and societies is a great way to meet people. I've joined a few and I've had a laugh so far!

There was two mature students in my class - one was very shy and ended up dropping out... He made no effort to talk to any of us. I'd often see him on his own 'round the college and try to make conversation, but he really didn't seem to want to be part of our class.

The other guy grabbed the bull with both horns and showed that age doesn't have to be an issue! He got out there, came to parties, was nice to everyone and made an effort. Now, he's a central part of the class and a great friend to everyone.

So, I'd definitely advise you continue what you're doing. If you show yourself to be friendly and fun, people will want to get to know you - both in your class, and outside of that, in clubs and societies!

Best of luck

slackerdude

Hi,

I went to college back in the early 90s and guess how many college mates I am in touch with now. The answer is zero out of a core group of twenty or so. A few years after I left college, one of them rang me up out of the blue and suggested we meet up for a christmas drink about ten years ago but he never rang me back to arrange a meet up. I returned to college as a 32 yo in 2004 for a one yr course and once again I am in touch with none of my classmates. I'm not unhappy with this as I'm probably a loner type. I wish you well with your college experience.

The Big Red Button

I've just finished a four-year course in college. I came into the class (of approx 50 students) in second year, and I was 3 or 4 years older than most - in fact all - of my classmates.

It was really tough for me, coz everyone was already in their "groups" after first year. I remember being one week in, no one had even talked to me, even once. It was mortifying and depressing and awful, and I was dreading the next three years. I'd like to convey just how sh't I felt at that time, but it's very hard to. No one likes to feel unlikable!

So, I decided, "That's it. I came back to college for a degree, not for a social life. I'm going to work damn hard, get a 1.1 degree, have a miserable three years, but at least have something to show for it."

From that moment on, I pretty much lived in the library. But guess what - very soon after, people in the class did start to talk to me, just a few days later. I became part of a group of very close friends - people I'm still extremely close to now - and I love them to bits. I continued to work hard (often at the expense of nights out) and I did get my 1.1 in the end, but the friends and memories I made are far more important than that.

So basically, you need to consider just why you decided to go to college. If it was the course - then focus on that, and trust that everything else will fall into place - or if not, at least you've your degree! If it was for the social interaction, then - being blunt - there are more appropriate places where you will be more likely to find like-minded people.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I remember feeling a bit like this in college as a mature student, I was 27 and my daughter was 8 at the time so when the younger classmates were going to the bar after college,I was going home to look after my daughter. Having said that there were other women in their 40's who got on very well with most of the others too.
The only thing that you need to remember is that sometimes in classmate relationships/groups there is often a lot of tension, jealousy and bitching as well due to immaturity, so don't think that you are the only one feeling left out. Take a backseat, accept all invitations and remain friendly to everyone. See the good in people and things will turn around. I can imagine how you feel so I hope things are better this year.