Seeing someone who's very depressed - advice much appreciated

LegacyUser

My head is completely and utterly wrecked from my current romantic situation. I find it difficult to speak to my close friends about this because I'm quite protective and private about this relationship and it's almost too upsetting for me to speak openly about it, so any opinions would be very welcome.

I'm a girl in my mid twenties and met the guy I'm currently seeing who's in his thirties two years ago. For about eighteen months have been scoring him on and off...mainly off for reasons that'll become clear. When I first met this man, I was powerfully attracted to him. He is literally the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on and since I only knew him from nights out etc, he seemed like a very extroverted, social person and a huge amount of fun. After knowing him for maybe a month, when I was actually dating another guy who was a friend of a friend of his, I decided to break up with my boyfriend. The main catalyst for the break up was simply cos I was interested in this other man and knew he was very into me, and I wanted to be single before anything happened. I was very, very excited about this man and MAD into him..

So after leaving a decent amount of time post break-up, I contacted the guy to let him know I was single and would like to see him...and nothing. Nothing back from him. I was completely devastated but after a couple of weeks, I decided to chalk it up to experience and try to meet other nice guys and just go out with my friends etc, normal post rejection stuff! Five months passed and out of the blue he texted me one night. It took me a while to thaw out and no explanation was really given, but after a few weeks of repeated requests from him to meet up, I gave in. Secretly, of course I was DYING to see him. That was the start of what I'm deeply embroiled in now.

I soon realised that he was nowhere near as outgoing/social as I originally thought and was infamous within his group of friends for going AWOL for weeks or months on end. He suffered/suffers from severe clinical depression and has several unresolved serious and very real issues from his past that he hasn't even begun to deal with. A pattern started to emerge where he'd meet up with me maybe as little as once a month or once every six weeks. An enormous amount of texting would go on in the run-up to seeing him, like he was gearing himself up for doing anything social. We'd go for drinks, kiss, on occasion have sex depending on me really and how I felt about us, and it'd all be lovely that night. Then I'd hear nothing for weeks until the cycle started again. In the time when he'd be out of contact, he wouldn't be going out at all or seeing any friends, only leaving the house for work and sometimes not even then. His depression appeared to go in cycles and only when he was in relatively good form would he even contemplate seeing anybody and then it'd only be me.

Things have changed recently. He FINALLY started being medically compliant and taking his anti-depressants and was in comparatively great form for longer periods of time. In the last two months, our on/off hook ups have turned into a pseudo relationship where I see him 3 or 4 nights a week. He still won't do anything social like go out properly or see friends but he was much less depressed, less teary, less hopeless about the future. I started to allow myself to really fall for this man and started to entertain the possibility that we could have a proper relationship. I had been half in love with him ever since I met him but was obviously very guarded with him due to his tendency to disappear on me, but when his behaviour normalised, it was like all bets were off and I really, if I'm honest, fell in love very, very quickly, although I haven't told him this.

This week however, he had a bit of a crisis at home and instead of letting me help him or talk through things, which would be reasonable given that I know EVERYTHING about his past, he decided he wanted to be alone for the week and basically ignored me for five days. Now I've no commitment from him. We act like bf/gf and we're exclusive but I'd be very apprehensive of labelling us due to major relationship issues he's had in the past. I was left not knowing, honestly, whether he was alive or dead, or for how long this period of voluntary solitude of his would continue. He once disappeared off the radar on me for three months and I've an awful fear of it happening again.I'd to practically beg him to see me yesterday but he seemed delighted to see me and in better form but is back to monosyllabic texting today.

When I see him all we really do is talk about his problems, watch a movie and go to bed. I'm highly social and have a lot of good friends. I've a job I absolutely love but am a very, very busy person. I don't want to sound up myself but I'm quietly self-confident and know I'm percieved as a very pretty girl. I want to enjoy myself and have a nice boyfriend and be in love, but all I'm doing most evenings the last couple of months is either sit in with him trying to gauge his mood and hope he's not too upset, or torture myself over whether or not he'll freak out on me yet again and cut off contact with me temporarily. When he's not actively depressed, he's so charismatic and funny and sweet. I fancy him so so much too and he's a very kind man, just very lost and sad. I don't want to be with anyone other than him, but his unpredictable moods and lack of any structure to our situation is tearing me up. I know I can't just give up on him. I've tried to move on from him maybe ten times in the last six months alone, but I'm just drawn to him.Plus he will have nobody at all to help him if I leave things. He's so sad and depressed, I have legitimate worries for him about suicide.

His family are aware of how low he is, so I have no responsibility to alert anyone now. I really really want to stay with him but it's going nowhere fast and I want to just be in love and settled at this point. I know he's worth the agonizing but there seems to be so little in it for me at this point. I'm just taking care of him the whole time. My friends don't know the extent of how deeply it's hurting me and I wouldn't tell them what the problems in his past actually are, because he's very private. They just seem to view the relationship as appeallingly dramatic because he is such a handsome man, but that's completely irrelevant to the sheer emotional torture I'm going through on a daily basis. I'm sitting round crying so much then faking being happy at work/with my friends and family/with him. Do I stick with him and hope against hope that maybe he'll find some kind of peace of mind or that I can maybe help him? He won't see any kind of therapist and is under medicated for the extent of his depression. Do I just cut my losses and run and leave him with nobody? I don't think I can take this level of loneliness and dissatisfaction for too much longer, but I love him very very much.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

the sheer emotional torture I'm going through on a daily basis.

OP this speaks volumes and I have to ask why you are going through this for a person who wont even commit to you on any level?

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm sitting round crying so much then faking being happy at work/with my friends and family/with him.

Once again this is madness under the circumstances. Why would you get into a relationship knowin this is what is ahead of you. Obviously, this guy has been like this for years and has only recently sought help. Why not let him get help for a while and see if his state of mind improves.

Unregistered wrote: »

He won't see any kind of therapist and is under medicated for the extent of his depression.

So he wont help himself and then why are you wading in to help him?

I do have utmost sympathy for people with mental illnesses but in this case, if you are not careful, based on the above, you will be in the same boat before this is all over.

Its too early. He is not your husband. These are supposed to be the good days in a relationship but stressing adn crying every day is not good enough.

Unregistered wrote: »

Do I stick with him and hope against hope that maybe he'll find some kind of peace of mind or that I can maybe help him?

No cos you cant help him. HE needs professional help and you dont have the skills to make this better.

Unregistered wrote: »

Do I just cut my losses and run and leave him with nobody? I don't think I can take this level of loneliness and dissatisfaction for too much longer, but I love him very very much.

He is not being left with 'nobody'. There is no need to be so dramatic. He has friends and family who can help him. You can help as a friend but you need to distance yourself for the sake of your own health.

You seem to love the idea of him - his good looks and what 'might be'. You cant actually know him as a partner given what has happened in your relationship so far.

Wat si your relationship history? Is this the first tortured relationship you have been in?

unhappycamper

Hello


The fact that he is so private is probably because if your friends find out about his depression they might advise you to pull out before you get yourself hurt but I am sure you are aware of that. He needs love and support from all angles especially because he is at a critical point within himself and sadly he is unable to open up to any kind of help or willing to try. I would question why he would not consider therapy? The fact is he needs serious professional help and as much as you love him it just doesn't seem fair that he dumps his depression on you all the time. It is like complaining that you’re over weight and ugly but at the same time you do nothing about it, no walking, no exercise, and no effort but to try and unload your misery on others.

The fact that he has disappeared for long periods of time is very sad. If you love him then you must stand up to him and force him to get help but I know that things could backfire and he may resent you for that. I also guess that you would do anything to see him happy and content with his life.

The other alternative for you is breaking away from him altogether. You will get over him, find your own happiness without him in your life and eventually move forward to hopefully a less stressful relationship. What is in this relationship for you? Say if you were to remove his depression, have you ever asked yourself how much air time you get? To me the relationship sounds like a miserable one sided affair that you are entangled in because you are in love with a beautiful man (when he is happy!)

True love knows no boundaries so if you do love him get him help, if he does not take it then what more can one do? Will you always be in love with him if he never tries to help himself? Could you love a man that is so clinically depressed that he will never make a stand and help himself? Do you want to love a man for the rest of your life who is clinically depressed? Do you know in your heart that he is the one? These are all serious questions op.

You have no one to talk to and neither does he, wow happy days. You are in his boat as he is in yours. His depression and lack of ability to help himself is actually not your responsibility, weight or burden, do you understand that? I would suggest you force him to get help and explain that unloading his issues on you all the time is hardly a proper loving relationship. I would also suggest that you might seek professional guidance from a therapist in order to support yourself because by the sound of things you are going to need active professional support to get through this.

If you leave him you are broken hearted if you stay you are dealing with your problems alone. In other words do not allow him to bring you down to his level. It is he who has to make some serious choices and a serious effort to heal himself. I am in no way trying to be harsh but I can only go on what I have read and I wouldn't be bothered to write this if I didn't feel for your situation.

Astrogeek

http://www.aware.ie/

They have an email support group if you would like to just copy and paste and see what advice they can give?

LegacyUser

I'm the OP on the thread..just to answer a couple of issues SarahSassy raised..

I guess I'm wading in to help him because I feel like he CAN be helped, even if he doesn't realise it. He has no perspective on his situation at all and has been closed off from outside company for quite a while now, at his own behest. He doesn't communicate with his family at all and I gather they're all at the end of their tether with him at this point. I know I do sound a bit melodramatic but the situation really does feel very moumental to me. I agree that I've no real idea of what he's like in a relationship and may be idealising him, but it's not just a looks thing. It's not that hard to come across good-looking men and it wouldn't be my main priority in finding a partner anyway.

In terms of relationship history, I've had one long-term, serious relationship that was very happy and functional and very equal. I'm normally totally straight-down-the-line with men, and don't take any nonsense or messing round, but all of my common sense seems to have deserted me in this case. I'd advise myself to leave if I was reading my own post, believe me, but for whatever reason I'm crazy about him and just can't right now.

To unhappycamper, I feel like being brought down to his level, at least temporarily, is a pretty real possibility at this stage. I've been so unhappy the last week especially. I don't think your reply was harsh at all. I appreciate the honesty.

SarahSassy

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd advise myself to leave if I was reading my own post, believe me, but for whatever reason I'm crazy about him and just can't right now.

This is the crux of the matter. You asked for advice but then wont take it...

This is not healthy for you. Get out and be a friend but dont get dragged in by it...

unhappycamper

SarahSassy wrote: »

This is the crux of the matter. You asked for advice but then wont take it...

This is not healthy for you. Get out and be a friend but dont get dragged in by it...

Yes I agree. OP let's look at this another way. Here are some facts from what you have wrote:

1.You are caught up in a situation where a qualified professional is needed
on a regular basis perhaps for years to heal this mans depression.

You are his go to when he wants you and it excuses him from getting any real help which is damaging to him, that is your fault.


2. You will not share your feelings about this with anyone of your friends

By bottling up the truth about your relationship, feelings and emotions you will be the one who ends up depressed.


My general view is that you are in an unhealthy relationship. I would advise you to take control of the matter by insisting that your boyfriend seeks continous medical help for his own safety and suicidal prevention. I would get out now before you waste your time in a dark hidden relationship. You will love again. If he was a real man he would man up and get help. I don't mean to sound harsh but he needs to man up, he sounds weak. He shouldn't offload everything on you or ANY single person, thats not how it works.