Giving up drink

LegacyUser

my bf and i went away for a weekend and had a fabulous time together then it all went wrong when i just drank too much wine and lost it. i verbally abused him in front of people in the bar and the last thing i remember is falling over and then being brought to the room by the night porter. i then had a blazing row with bf and slapped him across the face. i am disgusted with myself. he says he forgives me and loves me and wants to stick with me. im going to give up drink. i suppose what i am asking is do you guys think that he really does want to be with me if i give up drinking?

LegacyUser

Hiya

I am terrble on wine as well (not that bad to tell the truth) but you have identified what you did wrong and apologised. Your boyfriend would tell you if it was a big problem and he forgave you so you have to forgive yourself.

I got tired of the drink thing too so I gave up for a while, it takes a bit of practice, but i went for the one day at a time, like im not having a drink tonight, and then on a saturday night i would offer to drive so then if someone offered me a drink i could just say no thanks i am driving tonight. Red bull gets your energy levels up and you can buzz off other peoples energy. I drink now again but after comparing (stopped drinking for 3 months about 2 years ago) I defintely will be going back soon.

If drink interferes with your life it might be time to think about going cold turkey for a while, or not drink wine if that is the main problem (drink west coast cooler or something, and drink pints of water in between).

Who you are when you are drunk does not define you. If you aren't happy with who you are when you are drunk try not drinking, you save money, your skin is really clear the day after with all the water, and you dont have those "oh god did i really...??" moments.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

caisleain2 wrote: »

i suppose what i am asking is do you guys think that he really does want to be with me if i give up drinking?

Of course! He obviously loves you. You don't need to drink to have a good time or to go out with your friends (and you'll save a lot of money). He might not want to be with you if you don't give up drinking and keep acting like that though... We've all done things when drunk that we regretted later but it sounds like you need to give up getting drunk and if you can't do that without giving up alcohol altogether (at least for a while) then it sounds like that's what you need to do so fair play to you.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Don't worry about it, Most people have done stupid things when drunk, I could tell a few "Wine" stories myself, The small bottles are by far the worse for some reason. Anyway I am still with my BF after making a show of myself a good few years ago, Still cringe whenI think about it. He laughs at the good of it whenever he gets the chance but I bet that it will all be forgotton about soon. You are a bit hard on yourself which I understand, You could book another weekend for the future to make it up to him minus the wine.

~nop~

If he says he does then there's your answer, end of story. You definitely owe him big time though.

LegacyUser

I stopped drinking around 2 years ago as I was drinking way too much and found myself in impossible situations really. I went to Alchoholics Anonomous and still do.

I suppose the real thing is whether this was a one off incident or not.

Some people can stop drinking or control their drinking without support and others need support to do so.

There is life outside drinking.

LegacyUser

Hi Its OP here again. Thank you all for your messages. I swear to God I had the worst 2 days of my life, disgusted with myself and I kept playing the scene over and over and over in my head and now today I finally feel that the alcohol has left my system. I am going to give up drinking wine, even considering giving it up altogether. Funny you should mention AA. One of my life long friends has been dry for 6 months now. I knwo this is a big step to take and I knwo I dont have a problem with any drink other than wine. My BF has said that he doesnt want me to give up all alcohol, just wine. Im at a crossroads. But so lucky to have an understanding and loving boyfriend and I think I will take him away for a weekend to make it up to him, good call!!

philologos

OP: What a merciful boyfriend you have. If you feel giving up drinking is what you need to do to put yourself right with him, I'd say do it. Don't guilt yourself about it. Sure you may have messed up, but at least you are on here to have a think about what you should do to put it right

redenemyjoe

Listen I've seen these kind of couples in action and it's always one of the two that bears the brunt. Some people, if they really want their relationship to last, if it means that much to them, need to curb their alcohol habits.

On the other hand, you have to ask yourself, is it worth changing myself for another person?

I drink fairly heavily for a young lad but when I gave up for about 3 months before christmas it did me the world of good. Pm for details if you want.

Karen_*

Wine is really strong and when you're drinking it and matching others drink for drink you'll be way more drunk than they are.

That said OP if you go off your head on a particular drink you;ll eventually do it on others. Its worrying when you have to change drinks to try to control yourself. Just keep an eye on that.

blogga

caisleain2 wrote: »

my bf and i went away for a weekend and had a fabulous time together then it all went wrong when i just drank too much wine and lost it. i verbally abused him in front of people in the bar and the last thing i remember is falling over and then being brought to the room by the night porter. i then had a blazing row with bf and slapped him across the face. i am disgusted with myself. he says he forgives me and loves me and wants to stick with me. im going to give up drink. i suppose what i am asking is do you guys think that he really does want to be with me if i give up drinking?

Why IF you give up drinking? You have a drink problem. Get help.

Nervous Wreck

IME, these violent verbal and/or physical lash-outs that happen with drink involved are manifestations of already-present issues. Most of the time, the alcohol merely catalyses a reaction, it doesn't create a problem that doesn't already exist. Maybe not in this case but defo something to think about/be aware of.

LegacyUser

you need to forget about it as your bf has forgiven you. I dont think theres a need to give up drink completely just avoid wine and control how much you drink. Everybody does stupid things when they are drunk just move on and try not to let it happen again

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

you need to forget about it as your bf has forgiven you. I dont think theres a need to give up drink completely just avoid wine and control how much you drink. Everybody does stupid things when they are drunk just move on and try not to let it happen again

I wonder if people would be so quick to shrug off a guy doing this to his girlfriend after a few pints - verbally abusing her and hitting her when they were in private. I'd imagine the reactions would be much more vehement about getting out or getting immediate professional help.

It should be no different for the OP. If drinking makes her abusive, aggressive and violent, she should just stop. Completely. For good. Never mind this "oh wine makes me crazy too, stick to spirits/brush it off" etc. If it were a guy I doubt anyone would say "well cider makes me hit my GF too but stick to beer dude and you'll be fine".

Hrududu

pookie82 wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so quick to shrug off a guy doing this to his girlfriend after a few pints - verbally abusing her and hitting her when they were in private. I'd imagine the reactions would be much more vehement about getting out or getting immediate professional help.

It should be no different for the OP. If drinking makes her abusive, aggressive and violent, she should just stop. Completely. For good. Never mind this "oh wine makes me crazy too, stick to spirits/brush it off" etc. If it were a guy I doubt anyone would say "well cider makes me hit my GF too but stick to beer dude and you'll be fine".

I was about the say the same thing. You're lucky that your boyfriend is so understanding. I'd knock it on the head altogether if it makes you as bad as you describe in the OP.

Moomoo1

I don't see any need to give up drinking. Just learn to drink responsibly and to know your limits.

shellyboo

pookie82 wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so quick to shrug off a guy doing this to his girlfriend after a few pints - verbally abusing her and hitting her when they were in private. I'd imagine the reactions would be much more vehement about getting out or getting immediate professional help.

It should be no different for the OP. If drinking makes her abusive, aggressive and violent, she should just stop. Completely. For good. Never mind this "oh wine makes me crazy too, stick to spirits/brush it off" etc. If it were a guy I doubt anyone would say "well cider makes me hit my GF too but stick to beer dude and you'll be fine".

Exactly, if the roles were reversed we'd be telling her to leave and never look back.

OP, wine does not have some mystical grape-induced properties that make you a nasty drunk - it's just the alcohol, plain and simple. Stop drinking.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

I wonder if people would be so quick to shrug off a guy doing this to his girlfriend after a few pints - verbally abusing her and hitting her when they were in private. I'd imagine the reactions would be much more vehement about getting out or getting immediate professional help.

It should be no different for the OP. If drinking makes her abusive, aggressive and violent, she should just stop. Completely. For good. Never mind this "oh wine makes me crazy too, stick to spirits/brush it off" etc. If it were a guy I doubt anyone would say "well cider makes me hit my GF too but stick to beer dude and you'll be fine".

well her boyfriend has forgiven dont know whats getting you worked up so much. People can drink but control how much theres no problem with that

philologos

Before we all run in with our high cavalry, are we saying that people in Ireland in general do not have issues with alcohol? I think it is fair to say that many if not most of us have been in cringeworthy situations because of the stuff before.

The OP isn't here looking for condemnation, rather the OP has already realised that she has screwed up and she wants to put it right. That's rather humble IMO.

There's a difference between criticising drunkenness, and criticising the drunkard.

CDfm

caisleain2 wrote: »

My BF has said that he doesnt want me to give up all alcohol, just wine. Im at a crossroads. But so lucky to have an understanding and loving boyfriend

But OP what do you want? Does alcohol play that much a part in your relationship that you would be lost without it.

LegacyUser

Nervous Wreck wrote: »

IME, these violent verbal and/or physical lash-outs that happen with drink involved are manifestations of already-present issues. Most of the time, the alcohol merely catalyses a reaction, it doesn't create a problem that doesn't already exist. Maybe not in this case but defo something to think about/be aware of.

well said, couldnt agree more. when sober you can control your behaviour, keep a lid on things, even issues you don't think are issues. but with alcohol on board, explosive.

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

well her boyfriend has forgiven dont know whats getting you worked up so much. People can drink but control how much theres no problem with that

Firstly, I'm not worked up. And secondly, what had me bemused was the idea that people were telling her there was no need to kick the alcohol, even though she becomes agressive and abusive when under its influence. People in this country have a far too lax attitude when it comes to having a few drinks - acting out of character and making a fool out of yourself/becoming aggressive is the norm, and giving it up is out of the question and a step too far. Most people who have an alcohol problem CAN'T control it in any shape or form.

Her boyfriend may have forgiven her but if she doesn't kick alcohol he may not bother the next time.

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

Firstly, I'm not worked up. And secondly, what had me bemused was the idea that people were telling her there was no need to kick the alcohol, even though she becomes agressive and abusive when under its influence. People in this country have a far too lax attitude when it comes to having a few drinks - acting out of character and making a fool out of yourself/becoming aggressive is the norm, and giving it up is out of the question and a step too far. Most people who have an alcohol problem CAN'T control it in any shape or form.

Her boyfriend may have forgiven her but if she doesn't kick alcohol he may not bother the next time.

First of all there is no evidence the OP gets aggressive most of the time when she drinks.

Just because she made a stupid mistake she should never ever ever drink again. That does not make sense to me. If i crash my car should I never drive again??? It seems to be a once off occasion and obviously by writing this post she is very sorry about.

Having a few drinks can be fun once you can control it. Also the OP never mentioned giving it up was out of the question

Drexel

OP i dont see a need to give up drinkin altogether. Maybe just lay off the wine a bit. Maybe have a few bottles of a light beer instead r sumtin.

Its not like u loose it everytime u go drinkin and go and beat on ur BF. it happened once and prob has to most people.

What does your BF think? Does he want u to give up??

pookie82

Unregistered wrote: »

First of all there is no evidence the OP gets aggressive most of the time when she drinks.

Just because she made a stupid mistake she should never ever ever drink again. That does not make sense to me. If i crash my car should I never drive again??? It seems to be a once off occasion and obviously by writing this post she is very sorry about.

Having a few drinks can be fun once you can control it. Also the OP never mentioned giving it up was out of the question

Again, would you be suggesting the exact same thing if it were a guy who hit his girlfriend and abused her in public after a few pints?? Really? If so then fair enough, that's your opinion, but I think there are some serious double standards floating around here. I never intimated that the OP said she'd never dream of giving it up - I was referring to the people who came on telling her there was absolutely no need to.

Crashing your car is a ridiculous analogy. Crashing your car does not have the potential to become a dangerous addiction and nine out of ten times it's a genuine accident. Drinking alcohol when you know it has the potential to make you abusive and violent is not the same as getting back into a car after an accident. If it were drugs the OP was taking when she became abusive and violent, would your reaction be the same? Would you suggest that she lay off the coke for a while or only do it in moderation, or would you tell her that it obviously brings out a nasty side to her and she would be best put staying away?

LegacyUser

Hi OP here. Honest to God I dont get like that when I drink beer or even spirits. Wine for some reason makes me black out. In saying that I was having a large glass of wine for every bottle of beer my boyfriend had. I was out of my mind on drink and I am ashamed of that, completely. So much so that I cant seem to snap out of the 'down ' mood I have been in since all this happened.

Do any of you guys have any advice as to what I can do? The longer I stay in this mood, the more unhappy my BF will become. He is trying his best to make things right but I cant get it into my head that he does want to be with me still after all of this. I feel so sad and so lonely right now. I need to forgive myself for what happened last weekend....

Victor

caisleain2 wrote: »

In saying that I was having a large glass of wine for every bottle of beer my boyfriend had.

You do realise that some wines are 5 times stronger than some beers?

petes

I say this on all these threads. Either give up the wine if it is just that that is making you bananas when you are out or give up the booze completely. I gave up JD and Coke years ago as it was making me so crazy things.


Also this down feeling you are having. Alcohol is a depressant. Couple that with how you feel by the way you acted and you will be on a serious downer.

I like a beer and do get quite drunk at times but not like that. As understanding as he is if I was your boyfriend I'd be out of there.

pookie82

caisleain2 wrote: »

Hi OP here. Honest to God I dont get like that when I drink beer or even spirits. Wine for some reason makes me black out. In saying that I was having a large glass of wine for every bottle of beer my boyfriend had. I was out of my mind on drink and I am ashamed of that, completely. So much so that I cant seem to snap out of the 'down ' mood I have been in since all this happened.

Do any of you guys have any advice as to what I can do? The longer I stay in this mood, the more unhappy my BF will become. He is trying his best to make things right but I cant get it into my head that he does want to be with me still after all of this. I feel so sad and so lonely right now. I need to forgive myself for what happened last weekend....

There is only one way to be completely sure that this will never happen again. Don't drink again. Knowing that it was definitely a once off, because you will never again engage in the conditions which led to it, should help you to forgive yourself.

Or heed the advice of those who say continue to drink, or do so without the wine, or do so in moderation, taking the risk that it may happen again with the wrong cocktail or the one that's one too many.

It's your choice. There's no point beating yourself up about it for weeks because he is likely to get pretty fed up fast if you continue to mope. Alcohol will often make you feel like crap afterwards regardless of your actions, so if depression is a problem in the aftermath of drinking you need to consider that too.

genericguy

caisleain2 wrote: »

Hi OP here. Honest to God I dont get like that when I drink beer or even spirits. Wine for some reason makes me black out. In saying that I was having a large glass of wine for every bottle of beer my boyfriend had. I was out of my mind on drink and I am ashamed of that, completely. So much so that I cant seem to snap out of the 'down ' mood I have been in since all this happened.

Do any of you guys have any advice as to what I can do? The longer I stay in this mood, the more unhappy my BF will become. He is trying his best to make things right but I cant get it into my head that he does want to be with me still after all of this. I feel so sad and so lonely right now. I need to forgive myself for what happened last weekend....

Would you have forgiven your boyfriend if the roles were reversed and he planted you? You're very selfish in my view to be looking for us to tell you that you should still drink. The fact that you're rationalising that says that you have a problem. And your boyfriend doesn't have anything to 'make right', it's you that needs to be kissing ass here.

And definitely, forget about what you did and forgive yourself, but how about trying to not drink anymore so that it doesn't happen again? Saying that 'maybe I'll just drink vodka, not wine', is a cop out.

LegacyUser

No No No I am not looking for you guys to tell me I dont need to give up drink. Im not looking for that at all. If its a choice between my very lovely BF or alcohol I know what I will choose, there is no competition there.

Im not saying he has to 'make right', I am very much aware that he did nothing wrong at all what I meant was that he is doing everythign to cheer me up and i still cant seem to snap out of this

philologos

caisleain2 wrote: »

Im not saying he has to 'make right', I am very much aware that he did nothing wrong at all what I meant was that he is doing everythign to cheer me up and i still cant seem to snap out of this

OP, it could take a few days for any guilt to transpire in situations like these. It's not something that will disappear with the click of a finger, it's something that you need to resolve within yourself. Other people have offered you with a means of resolving never to do it again.

Just let your boyfriend know that you love him, let him know your course of action, and try your best to keep going with your life until the guilt passes. And for goodness sakes, learn from it!

You've done the right thing by posting here. However it is only the beginning you have to decide what you are going to do next.

Good luck

Monkey61

Look OP most of us have done stupid things when drunk. There is no point moping and continually beating yourself up over it to the detriment of your relationship. If your boyfriend says it's fine then it is fine. And to be honest it could have been a hell of a lot worse.

I don't see any reason why you shouldn't continue to drink as long as you do so sensibly and recognise what your limits are.

I don't think any gender double standards are at play here either. I would be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed.

Moomoo1

caisleain2 wrote: »

No No No I am not looking for you guys to tell me I dont need to give up drink. Im not looking for that at all. If its a choice between my very lovely BF or alcohol I know what I will choose, there is no competition there.

Im not saying he has to 'make right', I am very much aware that he did nothing wrong at all what I meant was that he is doing everythign to cheer me up and i still cant seem to snap out of this

why not do something nice for your bf 'to make things up'? That should help you to overcome your own feelings of guilt.

LegacyUser

Dont listen to people telling ou to give it up for good! I mean some people hee are making it out you are an alcoholic when you only made one mistake.

Just be careful in future and get over it

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Dont listen to people telling ou to give it up for good! I mean some people hee are making it out you are an alcoholic when you only made one mistake.

Just be careful in future and get over it

Thats all very good but the OP has had a major scare and may well be one of those people who just can't control it.

The OP also cited one incident but we cant assume its the only one or maybe its the first that has gone this far and while it may be isolated makes it worthwhile to her to keep an open mind about her drinking.And she had a blackout and could not remember it. So if the OP gets that drunk and cant remember then that is a problem.

It may be one off and giving up wine and spirits may be the ticket but she should keep an open mind and if she finds herself doing this at work outings and social occasions such as weddings etc then its a bit of a disaster like driving a car with no brakes.