Possessiveness and control - will he change?

LegacyUser

hi all

my main reason for breaking up with ex was that he was often jealous and controlling - he would want to know who i had lunch with at work in case any guys were there, was not friendly to the point of embarrassment with male friends, would absolutely freak out if i wanted to spend a weekend with my friends/family at home and not invite him (although he did come sometimes, but it just wasnt convenient due to sleeping arrangements and home 'rules' of parents etc...you know the way!) ...which led to him not being a fan of my weekends home without him; which led to him trying to guilt me into staying with him - and not leaving him all alone (his family not in Irl).

evenings out would be ruined by him getting in a big strop over something tiny - that i usually didnt realise i'd "done" - he'd accuse me of flirting with one of HIS friends etc....and he'd go really quiet and everyone would notice that he was being weird and i'd be so embarrassed that i'd try to compensate for him by being more friendly, and that would make him even madder.

I tried not to let him influence my decisions or who i hung around with, and i didnt change my habits - but instead ended up in a lot of arguments with him. Thing is, he'd always make a big song and dance and argument, but never wanted to break up because if i suggested that - he'd just swear he was in love forever and didnt want to do that.

in the end we did break up - I was the wicked witch and just siad i couldnt do it anymore - the fighting; That was about a year ago - but the thing is that now we're back in touch a bit and i'm just so attracted to him still (we had great chemistry!) and remember so many good things and hope that we could work through this possessive controlling stuff...he has suggested getting back together - but in a serious way, if we were to do it, no more breaking up for a week etc....I have been thinking for a while. I would LOVE it if this worked out!

Nervous Wreck

Have a read back over your post there OP. Does that sound like something you want to get back into?

loopyloulou

Wasted 3 years of my life with someone like this!!! He NEVER changed, made me miserable and squeezed every last inch of confidence out of me!!! Do not go back there, you'll find someone who will treat you with respect and who you will also have better chemistry with than this loser...Seriously, dont bother!!!

Moomoo1

I'd give it a try OP - only if to avoid the 'what if' thoughts for the rest of your life. The worst that can happen is that it will go kaboom a second time - but then you'll be left in no doubt that it couldn't possibly work. You sound a pretty confident person who won't be intimidated, so you should be allright.

presumably he knows why things went wrong last time? Is he willing to work on it?

venividivici

i feel like Dr. Phil today, anyway, who's to say it can't work out, BUT, nobody deserves to be treated the way you have been already so if you do decide to get back together then you need to seriously lay down the law before hand and make sure he understands that you're not gonna put up with it..

personally, i think you should cut your losses and move on, you'll be happier in the long run and you'll meet someone who trusts you 110% whether you're out with 100 girls or 100 guys!! but this is just my opinion..

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I think you would be crazy to put yourself into that situation again, I know exactly the type of person you are talking about, this guy won't change, I would avoid him like the plague. I have somebody close in this situation and she is constantly making excuses for her insecure, controlling jealous BF. She has no confidence left at all and is generally quite unhappy. Well done for getting out in the first place.

Oh The Humanity

Groan!

Please dont go back. He wont change.

Life is too short to be controlled by an a$$.

christ OP you got out lucky this time - there's many women who end up having to take a lot worse for a lot longer and have their selfesteem torn to shreds and no friends left, because they didn't get out in time.
For the love of god, do NOT go back to him or you'll end up that way.

Oryx

Its extremely easy to fall back into a familiar pattern of behaviour with someone. The basics of both your personalities will not have changed in the last year, you would probably have the most wonderful honeymoon period, before it all starts up again. Slowly at first, you might not even notice. But Id lay money that before long youll be making excuses for him all over again.

Im not saying hes an animal, and you may have great chemistry, but for some reason your personalities together bring out the leech in him and the serial breaker-upper in you. It would take some major changing for that to not happen again, and most people never make the effort required.

My longwinded way of saying: Don't.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I'd give it a try OP - only if to avoid the 'what if' thoughts for the rest of your life. The worst that can happen is that it will go kaboom a second time - but then you'll be left in no doubt that it couldn't possibly work. You sound a pretty confident person who won't be intimidated, so you should be allright.

presumably he knows why things went wrong last time? Is he willing to work on it?

Has he spoken about what he would do differently and has he lightened up.

You guys live at home so what ages are you?

The breaking up for a week etc -whats that about and how often did it happen.

nesbitt

Possessiveness & control will he change?

IMHO absolutely not and the behaviour pattern will get worse over time.

I married a guy like the guy OP has described.

Squeezed my friends, family out and then had me under virtual house arrest by the end of relationship. He did a good job at nearly squeezing the life out of me too but thats another story.

I grew a backbone/liathroidi and am now happily separated awaiting divorce and with a new guy who is the polar opposite of my ex.

OP please take off the rose coloured specs and do not go back to where angels would fear to tread...

All the best.

slamman

OP you have just described my cousin's boyfriend. He has turned her against almost all of her family, I am one of the 2 remaining family members she talks to because of him, and I know its only a matter of time before he turns her against me too, because he has recently stopped talking to me.

I know only you can make the final decison but I urge you to keep away from this person at all costs!!!

LegacyUser

I was in a relationship very much like slamman & nesbitt are describing and I am male.

For a long while I saw relationships that way and misinterpreted what was happening based on my previous experiences.

We all have our quirks and people do grow up and mature and time does not stand still. Sure you will know pretty quickly if it falls into the same patterns and if it does you will end it.

Splendour

Hi Op. I too like nesbitt was married to a guy like this for 14 years and it gets worse as the years go by so my advice is run and don't look back! My ex admitted at one stage he had a problem but he never addressed it properly so made no difference to our relationship.
The chemistry between me and my ex was also great but I imagine this happens alot in volatile situations. However the bad times and the 'silences' far outweighed any physical attraction...

armaghbhoy

I had sort of the same problem with a girl, but it was different..were young, and she did flirt alot and goes out with alot of different people..i took her from her last boyfriend basically..so what you expect? im not saying its your fault, but there has to be a reason that he feels like this. he doesn't want to lose you, and you have to assure him of that. we ended up the same as you, fighting, and now still talk sorta but argue ive told her the same what he told you but if she doesnt wise up then bye thats it, lol but anyway, apparently I accused her of flirtin with this fella 1 night right in front of me..if I accused and she wasn't doing nothing, about a week later she ended up going out with him..so thats what im saying, maybe your not like this but he fears losing you

TriceMarie

armaghbhoy wrote: »

I had sort of the same problem with a girl, but it was different..were young, and she did flirt alot and goes out with alot of different people..i took her from her last boyfriend basically..so what you expect? im not saying its your fault, but there has to be a reason that he feels like this. he doesn't want to lose you, and you have to assure him of that. we ended up the same as you, fighting, and now still talk sorta but argue ive told her the same what he told you but if she doesnt wise up then bye thats it, lol but anyway, apparently I accused her of flirtin with this fella 1 night right in front of me..if I accused and she wasn't doing nothing, about a week later she ended up going out with him..so thats what im saying, maybe your not like this but he fears losing you

Sorry,gonna hav to disagree with you there.
If this man really cared for her he'd trust her,and wouldn't do half of the horrible things he's doing.
It sounds like he's letting his own insecurities take over and ruin his relationship with the OP.

OP,you should not have to put up with that.
But yep,those "what if" questions do wreck your head
so,perhaps give him a trial run?
Sit him down,tell him what you want and don't want in the relationship.
If he doesn't do it,then it's bye bye a$$hole

LegacyUser

OP here again. thanks so much for all those responses! an overwhelming majority recommend that i dont go back into that situation...I tend to agree; and i've heard the same advise from family and friends...we did the break up/get back together thing for so long that i can say we've tried. thanks again lads.