Can't work him out

LegacyUser

I'm a little confused and this is going to be a long post; so please bear with me.

I met this guy about a year ago, lost touch and get back chatting about 3 months ago. We starting meeting up again in May; and went out 4 or 5 times since, I had my final exams at the time and was working Sat nights too so didn't have much free time. He lives about an hour away so I went down to see him about 3 weeks ago and stayed that night; he was really gentlemanly and I had my own room for the night. I had a really good weekend, really enjoyed spending time with him and we got on really well. But then he cancelled when we were to meet up the following weekend, he kind of went off the radar for a few days and when he did get in touch said he was really busy (he's starting up his own business). I really don't do game playing, so I was straight up and basically told him I liked him but if he wasn't that interested I wasn't going to play chase with anyone and I'd rather leave it at that. He said that he was just really busy and that when I was working Sat nights it had made meeting up difficult. He said he'd call me the next day. He never called that day so that was it for me - I decided to just forget about him.

However, about 2 weeks later he was still on my mind and I really couldn't figure out what had happened because he seemed straight up and I liked him alot, so I text him. He replied basically saying that he had text me the next day and since I hadn't replied he left it at that. I don't remember getting a text, but I was out drinking that night so I may have done - so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I called him the next day to chat but he never answered and it was the following week before I heard from him, he text me asking if I was coming down to him that weekend. I got really annoyed and told him it wasn't on and that he couldn't just text me when he felt like it. He said he had a birthday at the weekend and was drinking all weekend, that's why he hadn't text. I tried to be rational and tell myself that this guy didn't owe me anything - I mean we'd only been out a few times - so I said ok I'd meet him that weekend.

We were meant to meet up on Saturday night, I was meant to go to stay at his and head out, but then he got called away with work at 5am that morning and didn't get home til midnight but I didn't mind this time because he was genuinely sorry. Then we made plans for Monday for cinema, but on Monday he said could we change to Wed because he had something planned that we needed good weather for.

He called me Tues night, I was sick and a bit annoyed at myself because I knew I was meant to be working on my thesis but just felt lousy and couldn’t concentrate. I don't think I was overly stressed though. He says I was cursing and swearing and that any normal person would class that as a bad mood. But so what if I was in a bad mood, he rang me, I didn't ring him and if he didn't like it he could have hung up. I think what he didn't like was that I wasn't in the mood for messing. Like when I told him he could actually be nice sometimes when he tried and wasn't being a sarcastic spa..I was messing..but then he said 'look you're not the boss of me, and I'm not the boss of you' - then he laughed and went 'but I'm the boss of us!’ I told him he could go f*** away off if he thought that and he said' well do you want me to? because I'm not going to change', and then he laughed at me - again. He said it in a jokey way and I know he was messing but it's just annoying sometimes. It feels like he patronises me and it's not on. I'm extremely independent and although I'm 23, I've a hell of alot of life experience. My parents weren't the best so my aunty basically brought me up, I then moved out when I was 17 and moved to Dublin a year later. I was in a 5 year relationship from 16 to 21 and since then I've dated my fair share of losers; but I needed to do the single thing for a while and I know what I want now so I don't regret that really. I've always been financially independent, I paid my way through college and I've always had problems with ever asking for or borrowing money, which is why the way he also always tends to pay for things is starting to bug me too...

Anyway, on Wed he picked me up and I said will we should go to cineworld as it's just down the road, but he said no we're going to Liffey Valley. So away we go with the roof down on the car, which annoyed the hell out of me cause my hair was going all over the place (sounds high maintenance I know, but I'd spent ages straightening it!), and I think he was annoyed that I wasn't impressed, told me I was being negative and moany. Then when I couldn't think of anything to talk about he told me I was being quiet - but I don't know why he couldn't talk instead! When we got to the cinema, the next two movies were booked up so we had to wait from 8.30 to 10. We went for a coffee, well he did - I don't drink coffee - then he gave the impression that he thought that I was being awkward because I didn't want a cake slice or anything, but I don't eat that stuff! Then after about 15 mins he decided he wanted to go into boots to do shopping, like what the hell?! So we walked around boots for ages. Then after that we went up to the movie.

After the movie he dropped me home, there was very little convo in the car at all, I just felt awkward as I didn't know if he wanted to stay at mine or what. Especially considering when I stayed at his it was in the spare room. So there was an awkward 5 sec kiss and then I got out of the car. I text him straight after and said sorry I should have offered him to stay and there was a spare room if he wanted to, he said 'thanks, next time'. He then proceeded to tell me I'd been stressed the past few days, I asked how so and he asked if I hadn't seen it myself. Then we just stopped texting and said night. The next day he text me and told me that he had actually planned a picnic for the Tues but that he decided against it since I 'was in such a foul mood on the phone on Tues'. I have a major problem with this because it shows that he really doesn't know me at all; I rant at times - I'm aware of it - but I laugh about it after and it's just the way I am!! I'm fairly easy going but I do get stressed out the odd time and it's just what I'm like and I wouldn't want to change that! I mean I'm the same when I get excited about something; I get really excited and jump about the place! Most people think it's endearing/quirky; I mean - it's just me. But he seems to think it's childish and he can be really patronising, e.g. one time asking me was I going to throw all of my toys out of the pram!

I was this way when he met me, but it seems he's trying to change me now, making me... less me The problem is that every other time I've gone out with him I've had such a great time, we've such good banter and normally get on really well, and usually his confidence and assertiveness is really attractive; it's just starting to bug me a bit now I guess.

I know this gives the impression that he's really just not too bothered, and that's what I've thought myself - but then I wonder what he's getting out of it. I mean he's meeting me, taking me out, and that's the extent of it. It's definitely not a physical thing! I just don't really know what to do now to be honest. I called him last night and he never called me back, and I know he'll probably just dismiss what happened the past few days the next time he calls me. I want it straightened out though. Am I making something out of nothing? Do ye think I'm looking for too much too soon? I mean it's not a relationship, and he's probably met up with other girls since, sure I've met other guys out myself - but it's kind of getting to the stage where I don't want to be seeing anyone else now. It's what I liked about him in the first place that's irritating me now. I liked that he took no crap from me and wasn't a walkover - I need someone who has the balls to stand up to me, and I like that he's extremely career focused because I'm like that too. But those things seem to be overshadowing me now - he's making ME the walkover, and I've rarely been in that position because it's just not who I am.

I'm sorry for the length of this, I'd just really appreciate any advice.

LegacyUser

Your relationship with this person & that last date in particular sounds terrible & I dont know why either of you would want to meet up again if that's how it went. Do you really want to be with him? You need to think about what you want as this doesnt sound like fun to me.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mil for taking the time to read the post, I didn't realise it was going to be so long sorry! To be honest, up until the last date I really enjoyed seeing him. We had fun every other time we met up and I do like him - he's not even my normal type looks wise - there's just something about him. The problem is that he's just so hard to read and I'm pretty much an open book once you get to know me - so I find him hard to work out He says he's straight up, says he's not into messing about - but that seems to be what he's doing! He's 32 by the way, not that it should matter that much because my ex was around the same age and these issues didn't come up.

squonk

Unregistered wrote: »

Your relationship with this person & that last date in particular sounds terrible & I dont know why either of you would want to meet up again if that's how it went. Do you really want to be with him? You need to think about what you want as this doesnt sound like fun to me.

I was thinking the exact same when I was out getting my sandwich because the post bothered me. It actually wrecked my head. Basically all I could think of was how crap the whole thing sounded and that you both had far too many other things going on in your lives right now that actively discouraged you both from putting enough time and effort into a relationship with anybody, let alone each other. It doesn't sound like you're the most suited pair either. My gut reaction was to say to you to finish your thesis, then enjoy yourself and find someone your own age and at the same general point in life to have a relationship with. Your bf suonds a good bit older imho and he's at a different stage in life if that's true. Also, setting up a business can be a very time consuming task on it's own requiring heaps of dedication.

LegacyUser

The thing is though, I 've never dated anyone my own age, I've never had anything in common with them. I'm extremely ambitious, I know exactly what I want from life, and I know I don't want a casual hook up thing either. I'm working full time now and my thesis isn't taking up an awul lot of my time, I've a lot more free time than I did 3 months ago because my classes and exams are over. This is why I thought that now we'd finally get on track, but it seems it's not going to happen. I don't think the age is the issue, but I do think you're right that he has alot on and just doesn't seem to be interested enough to delegate time for me.

I think I'm just going to leave it at that. It's annoying though because I know he'll contact me again as if nothings wrong!

J Peterman

It kind of sounds like you two are just in the initial 'feeling-each-other-out' stage of the relationship, and that's why the last date was so awkward.

I would say to take a step back and relax; the relationship is developing slowly as you don't live very close to each other and are both very busy (seriously- he's starting a new business and you're working full time and doing a thesis? Between the two of you you've enough work for an army!:))

Don't over-analyze, just try to enjoy his company when he's around. If it grows into something more that's ok, if not, that's ok too.

LegacyUser

It just doesn't sound to me like to you are right for each other at all. This guy is messing you around, maybe you have had a good time with him sometimes in the past but it sounds like you have spent more time stressing out about him then anything. Why you would see this guy again after the last date you had is beyond me.

I know it's hard but I think you should forget this guy, get on with your life and try and meet someone who's less of a headwrecker. He probably will contact you again when he can be bothered, when that time comes around I think you should politely turn him down.

To be honest he sounds like a bit of an ass, a lot of what he does seems to suggest that he's being deliberately messing with your head. I know he's been busy but he's let you down so many times.

murfie

No matter how busy a person is taking 5 min out of their day to call someone that they are supposedly interested in is not a hard thing to do. I hate the game playing also, i was never like that and just say how i feel. And whats with all the texting, he is 32 why cant he call you. Texting is childish if you ask me.

This guy is not good news, move on.

LegacyUser

Ah I know, you're right. I can easily get out of this now, I'm not going to be devastated or anything, just a little disappointed because I thought it might go somewhere. I'd like to stick it out and see how it goes but I know what I'm like, I'll get too involved and end up getting hurt in the end. I guess that's why I'm kind of overanalysing things now, I can see its going badly and I just want to avoid that.

Adamisconfused

You say that you’re the way you are yet complain about his sense of humour. He isn’t trying to be patronising. He’s just being confident and showing it by being cocky around you. I’m sure you’ve probably seen that in a lot of guys that aren’t totally weak minded.
There is no relationship here. You two aren’t even remotely compatible with each other even though the story reads as if you two have been married for twenty years. You’re snappy with each other, want to do different things, find each others’ traits annoying and sleep in separate rooms.
Both of you have a lot going for yourselves, but I think it’s delusional to think it can go any further unless there is more to it than what you have written.

LegacyUser

Cheers for the replies guys, I appreciate it.

Adamisconfused: I do like his confidence, but I just don't like being talked down to - and that's how it feels sometimes. But it's a catch 22 because his cockiness is what originally appealed to me. I had a brilliant time when I went to see him a few weeks ago, we were meant to head out but ended up staying in chatting til the wee hours, it was so different from the last time we met up. I guess that's why I was hoping there'd be some way of sorting it out, 'cause I do like the guy - it's the first time in ages that I was really drawn to someone - you know what I mean? Not just for looks, or for any particular reason at all, there's just something about him.

But I think we're more similar than different, we're both quite stubborn and driven and I guess we clash. Ah even from reading what I wrote myself I know its time to leave it be. I think I might just text him later (I'm not calling for him not to answer) and say it to him, otherwise he'd probably text next week and it'd be back to square one.

Adamisconfused

Well, he isn’t staying in contact for no reason. You’ve obviously sparked some interest in him. I now see that you like him more than I originally thought.
The truth is that you aggravate each other. The two of you are confident individuals and I gather that both of you are vying to be top dog. I think you need to give each other a break. Seriously, let a bad joke pass once in a while. If you don’t like to lose face then get the bugger back later on when he’s least expecting it; just like all other women seem to do .
Honestly, it’s up to you. If you see a potential future with him then there is no harm in sticking it out a bit longer and find out what his motives are.

LegacyUser

I left him a message tonight saying that we obviously irritate each other now and there's not much point continuing so it's best to leave it be. I tried to steer away from any overtly negative comments and just stated the facts. He text me a while later and said he was cool with that, and that he didn't like people who stress out all the time, and for me to contact him when I'm more settled! The cheek! I told him that wouldn't be happening and that I understand he's busy but I'm simply not interested in someone who isn't interested enough to make time for me. I really don't think I'm a stresshead - I'm definitely not - so I don't know where he's coming from. But anyway it's done now, draw a line under it and move on.

Thanks for the advice guys, really appreciate it.

random.stranger

You were really straight with him & told him you liked him (which I think is really cool). He said he'd ring, but didn't bother. Then you texted him...

I don't know, I think this guy is on a massive ego trip. He's treating you mean, keeping you keen & feeling very smug about it. I think you should pull the plug, don't call/text/email/twitter give him a good taste of his own medicine & when he does come crawling back for an ego boost- ignore him more. He's no good for you.

(I didn't realise I was so evil)