New flame & her male buddy

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Going to post anonymous, but the story may sound familiar so keep it under ur hat if it does.

I met a girl (Mary) a few weeks and we’ve started dating, I don’t think we’d be classed as officially going out yet but we’re seeing each other…things are going good and we get on well, there’s just 1 little thing that’s getting under my skin a bit.

Marys a bit of a social butterfly and some of her ex’s would be good friends still – and thats fine. But (there’s always one) there’s one guy (we’ll say he’s Tim) who I think she only knows a few months and I gather that, for whatever reasons, Mary & Tim never kissed or anything…

I don’t want to sound all paranoid but they get on really really well together, she’s over at Tims at least once a week, they talk for long periods every day, they’d planned on going on hols together, etc.

Its something I can’t put my finger on but if I didn’t know them I’d think they’d known each other for years not months, that and they seem almost coyly flirty, quite huggy & touchy…and I could be being paranoid here…sometimes they seem to look at each other for a little too long.

I’m close to a lot of girls as are some of my buddies but not really as close as Mary & Tim.

So, PI posters & lurkers, I know guys & girls can be friends but do I have anything to be concerned about or am I just being really paranoid…?

tanx

LegacyUser

I had the same when I dated a few girls. Is he in her league? In my case the guys were usually head over heals with the girls, completely in love. The girls have given them the "lets be good friends" talk or hints and body language. The blokes hang in there as "a friend" in desperation and hope that one day the girl will all of a sudden realise that he is the right guy. Often enough they drift apart or the infatuation dies away and they remain friends. On rare occasions the girl will relent after a bad break up or some sort of trauma and fall in to the arms of the hanger on. But... I wouldn't fancy being that bloke. His feelings towards you could be hatred, jealousy or grim acceptance.

I'lllearnye

Tim definitely thinks something's going on anyway! It's a tricky one - you can't really talk to her about it because you'd be accused of telling her who she can and can't see. As you say, she's very sociable so I doubt she sees anything wrong with the situation. However, she should really be watching how she acts around Tim as it's not fair on you. A bit of sensitivity with regards to your position wouldn't go astray.
You're only going out a short while, you might just have to wait and see how it pans out. If you're thinking of going out with her long term, you'll have to take this side of her into account and decide if you can deal with it.

Beetlebum

I knwo my case is quite rare but I'm a girl and all my friends bar one are guys.
I am best friends with my ex boyfriend. We went out for 4 years but broke up when I was 21 (I'm 28 now). We even lived together last summer which his gf wasn't wild about but she got to knwo me and saw that there ws nothing going on between us.

At the moment I'm living in an aprtment with my friend who's a guy. To people on the outside we probably do look liek a couple but we're not. We have never kissed and never will. We are friends and I see him more as a brother then anything else.

I don't think you've naything to worry about. If she wanted to be with him then I'd say she'd be with him. She's with you though. Even if this guy does fancy her, so what. His feelings towards her are irrelevant once it's not recipricated and you trust her.

kmick

If Tim is a man then you are in trouble. He is just waiting for the right moment to liquor her up and do his Justin Timberlake moves on her.

Taltos

Not sure if this will work - but you could just try to let her know that while you really like Tim, you feel uncomfortable when they are together, no reasons, no examples. You could even just say - "yes maybe I am just being jealous for no reason" ... This might (might) prompt her to look at her behaviour the next time they are together.

Maybe if she can accept your initial "jealousy" - you can tell her that next time you feel like this you will maybe just touch her knee or say a keyword to make her aware of it. Or even maybe now that you have said this to her you feel better.

Could just be as a social butterfly she is not aware at how she is making you feel. But - if this is the just the way she is and has been since you met then maybe you can work on those feelings - again with her input.

It is all how you talk to her about this - hopefully she will take it as a huge compliment that you can be this open and frank with her and leave it at that.
Just do NOT make it into - "its all your fault... last friday you stared into his eyes for all of 3 seconds... I knew he just wanted you then..."

StopWhispering

Listen mate, did you even check if this Tim character is gay cos it sounds like he's Mary's gbff (gay best friend forever). My ex had one that I didn't realise was gay and I was evil eyeing him for ages until I seen him wearing the face of another dude. I was quite relieved to say the least.

If he's not then...um...stay alert! I don't like the sound of him.

The Big Red Button

There actually is such a thing as a totally platonic male-female relationship - it's not that common, but it definitely exists. If her best friend happened to be a girl, you wouldn't begrudge them spending time together would you?

Tim has obviously been around for a lot longer than you, and I think that if you say anything to her about him at this early stage she'll probably think that you're paranoid and controlling.

If I were you I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, at least til you know her a bit better. It's unfair to be suspicious of her if she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her.

LegacyUser

StopWhispering wrote: »

Listen mate, did you even check if this Tim character is gay cos it sounds like he's Mary's gbff (gay best friend forever).

Didn't know there was actually a term for this. My gf has one and honestly it's nearly worse. Hangs out of her all day every day. Like going out with 2 ppl sometimes..... and if I say anything, I'm worst in the world!!

Monkey61

Considering it has only been a few weeks, raising objections or suspicions is only going to drive you and Mary apart. In fact raising suspicions at any point is only going to do that.

If she wanted to be dating Tim, she clearly would be and she wouldn't have started dating you a few weeks ago.

Male/Female friendships do work. It is ridiculous to suggest that guys and girls who hang out in mixed sex groups fancy every one of the friends of the gender to which they are attracted to - that's rubbish. Most of my friends hang out in mixed sex groups and have very deep friendships amongst that - we holiday together, sleep in eachother's houses etc and there is nothing more too it.

Yeah it might make you uncomfortable, but it is none of your business really and you have no right to interfere in it. If you cannot handle a girlfriend having close male friends then she is not the girl for you.

Liam Byrne

Gonna_B_Unreg wrote: »

I gather that, for whatever reasons, Mary & Tim never kissed or anything…

Random, out-there guess, but any chance they don't fancy each other, or would prefer to leave it as friends ?

Just a thought.

LegacyUser

OP here. tanx all.

Guess it was the insecure green man running around in my head - hopefully :-)

As for Tim being her gbff...I wouldn't say so, when she was talkin about him 1st i thought maybe cos he seemed to have lots of female friends and a few other things...

I got the impression from one of Marys mates that when Tim & her met it was going REALLY well but they'd other relationship stuff going on at the time...

And the fact his x-gf appeared back on the scene b4 "Mary" and myself started seeing each other means he probably isn't either!

Tanx again!

LegacyUser

Gonna_B_Unreg wrote: »

I got the impression from one of Marys mates that when Tim & her met it was going REALLY well but they'd other relationship stuff going on at the time...

And the fact his x-gf appeared back on the scene b4 "Mary" and myself started seeing each other

and ur not concerned bout dat?????

CDfm

I have a really close female friend and am a guy. So it does happen.

rallye

I would thread carefully in this situation.

When i was dating my ex she had a male best friend, it was obvious he was crazy about her, i would say obsessed, always calling out to her, driving her home from the nightclub, always there to talk to her when we had a fight etc.. etc.. basically her emotional tampon!

One night she was out without me, got very drunk and this male friend was sober and made a move on her, we broke up 2 weeks later... my ex regulary keeps in touch with me and we hooked up 6 months after the breakup in a nightclub, surprise surprise she was there with the male friend who would not leave us alone, kept buying her drinks etc.. i suggested to her that they should start seeing each other, her reply was that he is just over protective and she sees him as a brother...

Anyway fast forward a year and the pair of them have started dating... will it last? who knows..

So just be carefull.