Texting Ex...

LegacyUser

I'm not even sure what my problem is/if any here so I hoping writing it down might make it clearer, or somebody might be able to offer some insight.

I was writing a text for my bf last week while he was driving and when the reply came in I spotted a text from his ex gf. I know I shouldn't have, and it's an invasion of his privacy but it was really bothering me. So later on when I got a chance I checked the conversations.

I suppose I should give some background on what I know about their relationship first. They were good friends growing up, then started going out in their 20's for about 9 months. He went travelling and decided to break up with her before he went. When he got back she wanted them to get back together, but he didn't. She was the only person he ever told he loved other than me. He wanted to stay friends but she really wanted more, she got difficult about it, so they ended up drifting apart more or less completely but they do have some mutual friends. She has been with someone for about 3 years now, they are engaged & have a baby.

So back to the texts, the conversation was initiated by my bf and went like this:

him: Did you delete me as a friend on FB?
her: Yeah sorry, I can't be around you and really don't want to be seeing things about you on FB. You wouldn't understand
him Fine XXX(name), whatever
her: I'm sorry, I still really care about you and I want you to be happy but I can't be around you. like i said you wouldn't understand, it's a girl thing.

I know my bf's texts seem perfectly innocent and on the surface their is nothing that should make me worry, however it's been running around in my head and I keep thinking the worse like.

1) How did he realise... was he checkin her fb and if so why?
2) Has he told me the truth about how they ended, and how long ago?
3) why would she be carrying a torch for him for so long? Surely she should have moved on at this stage.
4) Will she always be a threat? Does he really care about her & is just not with her because she got pregnant from someone else?


I've been treated really badly in a past relationship, physically and emotionally, I went through so much that I decided I didn't ever want to fall in love again. It took me a long time to get my confidence back and just when I did I met my bf and I've fallen head over heels for him. OUr relationship is great, and he is fantastic and now I'm worried that it's all going to come crashing down and I'll be in bits all over again.

squonk

He may have gotten a notification from FB sayig X had delete him as a friend. She was doing all the pushing and if they really are old friends he may be interested in trying to keep that aspect of their relationship together. Sounds to be honest like he knows what's what and that he's annoyed at being dumped as a friend. He also sounds like a guy who has heard plenty of her BS before too!

wexford202

Firstly it's really important that you do not compare your previous relationship to this one as it really has nothing to do with it. You have to manage your own insercurities yourself.

If your boyfriend wants to be this girls friend he is entitled to do that, however if this girl likes him he would need to look at the whole picture as he is going around blind to the whole thing.

I would tell him never to invite trouble to your door and being firends with a girl that likes him that way is inviting trouble even thoug he doesn't intend on acting on it.

This girl seems to be looking for attention doing this. I would be careful and try nip this in the bud.

SarahSassy

Why dont you just ask him. Tell him you saw a text from her when you were using his phone and ask him to explain what it was about...

Beetlebum

I think the above poster is spot on, especially about the being used to her bullsh*t part. It's not nice when someone blocks you or deletes you from facebook or gmail or whatever. It sounds to me like he porbably thinks she should be over it by now and be able to look at his facebook without getting upset by it. He sounds over it, she doesn't but that's irrelevant.
I think you're being a typical girl and over analysing things. You say you're very happy together so don't create problems where there are none.

Just be happy that you have him, he must be one hell of a guy if she's still pining for him 3 years later!

LegacyUser

He wouldn't have gotten any notification because FB doesn't send one when you dump a friend. which is why I was wondering how he noticed, the only way really would be if he went to try and go into her page.

I'm not sure if I want to ask him, I'm ashamed that i was snooping and I don't want him to know that I was. I should have just asked him there and then in the car, but I was afraid I would hear something I didn't want to. I'm afraid if I ask now after letting it go so long that he'll think I'm maing a big deal out of nothing and I don't want him thinking I don't trust him.

I also know he is nothing like my ex, hes never given me any reason at all not to trust him. The old relationship has partly made me who I am though so while I'm not comparing him, I'm explaining why I am so inclined to think the worst.

I hope I am over-analysing, but I suppose even if he does have feelings for this girl their is nothing I can do about it and will just have to take things as they come

LBD

Hi OP,

From experience within my own relationship I've learned honesty is definitely the way to go, I know you're uncomfortable asking him about it and I can see why but give it a go, you'll feel alot better about it. Generally people don't mind explaining something innocent if there's nothing going on.

On another point about the texts if he had something to hide Im pretty sure he would delete them so you would have no way of finding them.

Try not to worry about what the ex feels for him....you can't control that and if the ex has feelings for him she has to deal with it. You just need to be concerned with how your oh feels as he's the one you're with. Remember just because she has feelings in no way means he does. Sounds like he's been honest with you so far.

LegacyUser

LBD wrote: »

Hi OP,

From experience within my own relationship I've learned honesty is definitely the way to go, I know you're uncomfortable asking him about it and I can see why but give it a go, you'll feel alot better about it. Generally people don't mind explaining something innocent if there's nothing going on.

On another point about the texts if he had something to hide Im pretty sure he would delete them so you would have no way of finding them.

Try not to worry about what the ex feels for him....you can't control that and if the ex has feelings for him she has to deal with it. You just need to be concerned with how your oh feels as he's the one you're with. Remember just because she has feelings in no way means he does. Sounds like he's been honest with you so far.

Thanks, you've all given really good advice.

It really is his feeling that concern me, I'm worried that he is harbouring some for her and that is why he is checking up on her page.

squonk

No, most likely on his profile page he noticed that he now has, say 119 friends instead of 120. He starts thinking, and then goes, Ah I wonder if it's X, here we go again.... checkes and notices that's the case... then the 'Did you delete me as a friend on FB?' text because, as he's thinking, they're friends so maybe it was a mistake or something. Voilla. He's being constructive, she's being a drama queen.

SarahSassy

Maybe they used to exchange innocent messages which have stopped and maybe she came up as a 'suggested friend' when he thought she was his 'friend'.

I would still ask him. He will understand and if its all innocent he wont mind.