Any advice or opinions please

jinxycat

I've been recently thinking about getting in contact with my mother, I haven't seen her in 12 years.

To make a long story short, she walked out on us 12 years ago and never came back. There was some contact through phone and letters but that all stopped shortly afterwards. Now i'm getting to the point where I know I'll regret it if anything were to happen to her and I never made an attempt to get in touch with her.

Thing is though i'm not ready and don't think I will ever be ready, I honestly think I just need to bite it in the bullet and do it. I'm so nervous though of rejection from her again and how my dad will take it. It hurt his feelings so much the last time I did bring it up 3 years ago.

Thanks for reading this far.

benj

This must be such a tough decision for you,
but i think only you can call the shots on this one.
I believe if your thinking about it so much maybe you
are more ready than you think,

Whatever you decide, i hope it all goes well for you.

The Big Red Button

Is it really necessary that your father knows about it? This might be something that's better done on your own.

jinxycat

It's not that he needs to know but I think it'd hurt him more if I went behind his back about it and he found out.

LegacyUser

My friends mother walked out on her also when she was a child, and after much debating she got in touch with her recently. While they will never be very close, she is glad that she did it. Her father was dead so that wasnt an issue for her. I think you should tell your father and explain your reasons for doing it, however also remind him of how much you appreciate what he has done for you throughout your life.

jinxycat

I know i'll never be as close to my mother like I was as a child, part of me thinks i'm not ready to do this because I know I won't be able to control my emotions and afraid i'll say something i'll regret also.

She doesn't know what it was like after she left, life changed dramatically for us all. Part of me resents that because before she left she said she'd come back for us but never did.

Don't get me wrong i love my dad and appreciate everything he did for me, but he wasn't the most easiest person to live with after this.

starchild

if you are going to get in touch with your mother i think its probably best you let your dad know as if he found out later it would be very hurtful id imagine

He probably will not be happy at all but in my opinion best to let him know in advance but thats just my own opinion, you obviously will know best how to treat this

Also I would say have no expectations as to what your mother might say, she may or may not want to hear from you, she also may or may not be sorry she left.

I hope it goes well for you if you proceed

jinxycat

starchild wrote: »

if you are going to get in touch with your mother i think its probably best you let your dad know as if he found out later it would be very hurtful id imagine

Oh I will tell him, just know it's going to be hard and I know i'm going to hear hurtful comments back, i'm going to have to bite my tongue really hard when he does to let it go more smoothly.

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinions so far, really appreciated.

mam1

Hey there just wanted to say I went through a similiar situation about 10 years ago tho it was my father who had left us and tho both my parents remarried I always felt I would have liked more contact with my biological father anyway long story short at a particularly emotional time in my life I used my contact point to try and see my dad..and was rejected in the worst possible way verbally abused and he had actually lied to his current wife about financially supporting me for over 20 years(he didnt)..so just take care and tell your parent of your plans so you will be emotionally ready for all case scenerarios remember the one who wanted you stayed around.Be careful what you wish for you just might get it...

VaioCruiser

jinxycat wrote: »

I've been recently thinking about getting in contact with my mother, I haven't seen her in 12 years.

To make a long story short, she walked out on us 12 years ago and never came back. There was some contact through phone and letters but that all stopped shortly afterwards. Now i'm getting to the point where I know I'll regret it if anything were to happen to her and I never made an attempt to get in touch with her.

Thing is though i'm not ready and don't think I will ever be ready, I honestly think I just need to bite it in the bullet and do it. I'm so nervous though of rejection from her again and how my dad will take it. It hurt his feelings so much the last time I did bring it up 3 years ago.

Thanks for reading this far.

Hi OP... what a painful set of dilemmas. I feel for you.

I understand what you are saying about your Dad and the importance of telling him. I think this is a wise decision. So the first thing is to find a way of discussing this with him. I feel certain here that there is no way of discussing this without hurting his feelings to some extent. It's a painful situation all round.
You will need to be able to sit down with him and tell him that you have thought about it a lot and that you feel the time has come for you in your life to make a move to contact her. That you realise and understand the pain this will cause him, but that he will understand that you are in a different situation. She is your mother and you need to make this move at this time in your life.

You don't say how old you are. You also don't say, if you know, why she left. She may have had a very compelling reason. Let's face it a mother does not leave her children without a very very compelling reason. I am sure that whatever circumstances caused your mother to leave had nothing to do with you and that she felt she had no other choice.

I would also seriously consider going to meet someone from one of the adoption agencies... these people have lots and lots of experience of this kind of thing and even though they are nominally involved with adoption I am certain they also deal with your kind of situation or/and can refer you.

I really think a conversation with someone in this field could contribute greatly, even if only to make you aware of the issues that none of us here may have experience of or have thought of. How best to approach her - How to deal with her possible reactions - how to deal with the fall out, good or bad.

All the best.

jinxycat

VaioCruiser wrote: »

You don't say how old you are. You also don't say, if you know, why she left. She may have had a very compelling reason. Let's face it a mother does not leave her children without a very very compelling reason. I am sure that whatever circumstances caused your mother to leave had nothing to do with you and that she felt she had no other choice.

sorry i'm 25, she left when i was 13. she fell in love with another man, which i forgive, i understand people fall out of love but to never see you children again baffles me. In fairness to her i do only know one side of the story.
Recently I found out from my dad though that his drinking pushed her away into another man but I don't know. I never really seen my dad drink before she left, as far as I knew he bacame an alcholic after she left. So i'm not sure why she left but i know how she left. If that makes any sense at all.

jinxycat

mam1 wrote: »

Hey there just wanted to say I went through a similiar situation about 10 years ago tho it was my father who had left us and tho both my parents remarried I always felt I would have liked more contact with my biological father anyway long story short at a particularly emotional time in my life I used my contact point to try and see my dad..and was rejected in the worst possible way verbally abused and he had actually lied to his current wife about financially supporting me for over 20 years(he didnt)..so just take care and tell your parent of your plans so you will be emotionally ready for all case scenerarios remember the one who wanted you stayed around.Be careful what you wish for you just might get it...

i'm really sorry to hear that and thanks for sharing it, that must have been terrible for you to go through.

As for "the one who wanted me stayed around" didn't really make you feel wanted, it was very difficult growing up living with my dad.

kittenkiller

Hi OP.

If you don't feel that you're "ready" but there's a niggling at the back of your mind, I'd suggest that you write her a letter.
Pop it in an envelope and put it away for a week.
After the week open it, read it and then decide if you want to post it or put it away for another little while.
You might also realise that what you want to say to her has changed in that time and this exercise has helped clear up why you want to get back in contact.

Once you've decided, let your dad know.
Tell him that you have unresolved issues and that you know how unfair it was on him being left to take care of the whole family when she left and that you love and appreciate him more than he could know.
Make sure that he knows it's no reflection on him, just something you need to do to clear your head.

Even if he doesn't get it straight away, he'll warm to the idea.

Best of luck OP.

jinxycat

Hhi kittenkiller, I did that before a few times, never could send the letter though but i'll give it another go. Sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore