Urgent request for advice

LegacyUser

Hi all
I'm in a bit of a panic.
Okay quick synopsis - going out with bf for 4 years. Things haven't been easy lately, had a break for a month or so recently as we have been fighting alot.
The problems keep coming back though. My problem is he doesn't seem to want to talk about the future, only about the present, as in what are we doing tomorrow. We don't live together, although i want to but he won't discuss it.
Anyway, how do you talk to someone who just won't listen. I've tried everything and it just ends up with me being in tears, not seeing each other for a few days and then forgeting about it.
He says he loves me but can't stand me always having to plan ahead.
Please help - I want to be with him, and make this last but i'm afraid he is going to get so fed up that it's going to end.

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all
I'm in a bit of a panic.
Okay quick synopsis - going out with bf for 4 years. Things haven't been easy lately, had a break for a month or so recently as we have been fighting alot.
The problems keep coming back though. My problem is he doesn't seem to want to talk about the future, only about the present, as in what are we doing tomorrow. We don't live together, although i want to but he won't discuss it.
Anyway, how do you talk to someone who just won't listen. I've tried everything and it just ends up with me being in tears, not seeing each other for a few days and then forgeting about it.
He says he loves me but can't stand me always having to plan ahead.
Please help - I want to be with him, and make this last but i'm afraid he is going to get so fed up that it's going to end.

Have you told him that unless he is willing to discuss your future together at least once in 4 years, that you will have to end it?

I mean - you can't go on like this.

Would he consider going to couples counselling with you?

If the answer is no to the above, then you either keep going as you're going or you pull the plug.

You deserve more after 4 years together. There is no way i'd spend 4 years of my life with someone if I didn't think there was a future in it.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Are i being really pathetic in saying that i don't want to give him an ultimatum in case he chooses to end it?

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

Are i being really pathetic in saying that i don't want to give him an ultimatum in case he chooses to end it?

But you see - therein lies the problem.

This is 4 years of your life. You cant keep going this way if he doesn't see a future. How is that fair on you?

So basically - you afraid he'l end it so you say nothing. So why would he need to change then or talk about this issue?

I think he'l only open his eyes if he thinks he's gonna lose you.

If you give him the ultimatum and he ends it - well then you know and you wont have wasted any more time on him. Trust me, you'll thank that fact down the line.

But to stay in this? You've posted on here looking for advice so you're obviously not happy. It's time to find out where you stand. And if he cant give you that - you have to walk.

This isn't about empty threats or anything, btw. If you give him this ultimatum, mean it.

What's the alternative here? Seriously?

LegacyUser

Everything you say makes so much sense in theory, but i'm so sad and crying all the time. I just don't want to lose him.
Any suggestions on how to fix it without the ultimtum ?

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

Everything you say makes so much sense in theory, but i'm so sad and crying all the time. I just don't want to lose him.
Any suggestions on how to fix it without the ultimtum ?

I know, pet. It's horrible.

But its time to look at the big picture.

Have you said that you need to get this sorted as the relationship means so much to you? That you envisage a future with him and you want to know what his views are?

I mean, what else to say? If he's not willing to talk, the only thing you can do is keep going as you are. Would that be enough for you?

Would you prefer to break away now or waste another x amount of years on him to find that you've no future together.

Just one other thing - how does he treat you in the relationship? A 'future' doesn't always mean marraige, kids, moving in etc. But if these are the things you want, then you can't waste your time on someone who doesn't want these things.

If you're heartbroken now, you'll feel worse down the line if you stay with him - trust me.

He could feel the same as you but his inability to talk to you is a real problem. And if you want your future to look a certain way, you can't stay in something so uncertain.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replys Tri - much appreciated, you're so nice.
In general he treats me very well. Maybe i'm just trying to run before i can walk. As i said we have had problems in the past and maybe i should just try and concentrate on getting some fun back in the relationship first. I have given him opportunities to call it a day if he wanted to, and he has said he wants to make it work.
Maybe the moral of my story is to try and live in the present and not always for the future, which is i guess what he wants.

LegacyUser

Hi op, I know how you feel, going out with my boyfriend 4 years now and he never wants to talk about our future either. We both know we don't want marriage etc so that's ok but I really want to live with him and he doesn't want to yet. But after 4 years I'm so scared he will never want to, we're not young plus if after all that time he's not ready then when will he be ready?

I don't really have any advice for you as I haven't managed to sort my own issue out but I do know what you are going through, I am also terrified to give him an ultimatum in case it doesn't work out the way I want.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi all
I'm in a bit of a panic.
Okay quick synopsis - going out with bf for 4 years. Things haven't been easy lately, had a break for a month or so recently as we have been fighting alot.
The problems keep coming back though. My problem is he doesn't seem to want to talk about the future, only about the present, as in what are we doing tomorrow. We don't live together, although i want to but he won't discuss it.
Anyway, how do you talk to someone who just won't listen. I've tried everything and it just ends up with me being in tears, not seeing each other for a few days and then forgeting about it.
He says he loves me but can't stand me always having to plan ahead.
Please help - I want to be with him, and make this last but i'm afraid he is going to get so fed up that it's going to end.

OP I know you want to look for a future with this man, but it seems to me that you need to ease up on the planning and start to enjoy the present. Your BF is clearly a guy who wants to enjoy the now, enjoy living life as it is, with you and taking each day as it comes.

If you keep pressing for him to make plans it will almost definitely drive him away out of desperation. Try to look at things the way he does. Appreciate the now, today and tomorrow, and try to relax about plans. There is plenty of time for planning. The chances are that if you ease up on it, it will happen naturally.

You have to decide what you want out of life and if you are willing to risk losing him.

All the best !

LegacyUser

OP here
Thanks vaio cruiser! Any tips on how to do just that?
That is totally what i want, but for some reason i just can't seem to do it! I feel so much better just even getting some advice. I'm quite a sensitive person who believes in the happy ever after, romantic life! I just want no more drama!

LegacyUser

Hi OP
I recently broke up with my boyf of nearly 4 years. Basically we weren't getting on as well lately but also he suddenly decided he didn't want to live together after we had pretty much planned to since about 6 months into the relationship!
The fact I was in college up until last year had stopped us but it seemed that when it became a real possibility to live together he no longer wanted it,he wouldn't even agree to do it after a certain amoung of time.
I finished it. Now that wasn't the only reason why I finished it and I'm not saying that's what you should do but there has to be compromise in a relationship, even if your OH said ye would do it in a certain amount of time or something.
I personally felt like my boyf thought I loved him so much that I would say 'OK i'll wait until you want to live together' but the way I saw it if he wouldn't commit to that at some stage then he wasn't committing to me.
It's all well and good people saying you should live in the here and now but before you realise you might be with him another 4 years and it might just dawn on you that your relationship has not progressed and is going nowhere,don't let that happen!!

zeslim

I don't think giving him an ultimatum is an effective way of approaching this particular situation - in my opinion it's more like a bullying tactic, and I doubt you'd appreciate him saying 'let this issue go or we're finished'.

You should be able to talk to him about your future from time to time, but you have to accept that your desire to plan equals his desire not to. If you've been together for 4 years, he loves you (and presumably treats you right), and wants to make it work, I don't see what the problem is. Or at least, I don't see why it's worth ending. When he says that he wants things to work out, surely that must involve carrying on your happy relationship into the future? And that will, at some point, involve moving in together? If you're having problems and recently broke up for a month, it's no wonder he's hesitant about living together. Maybe he wants the relationship to be more stable before he can consider that kind of a leap.

I can completely understand how this must be difficult and painful for you if you feel you want to take the next step with your relationship, but my best advice to you is to step back for a moment, away from that edge, and relax. It's not a decision you have to make by tomorrow. Reduce the amount of pressure you're putting on him as well as yourself. Look to rekindling the relationship, go out together more, have more fun, loosen your grip. Pushing the issue is only causing you grief, so let it lie for a while before you bring it back up, once your relationship finds its balance again.

Best of luck : )

pog it

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
Thanks vaio cruiser! Any tips on how to do just that?
That is totally what i want, but for some reason i just can't seem to do it! I feel so much better just even getting some advice. I'm quite a sensitive person who believes in the happy ever after, romantic life! I just want no more drama!

It's clear you're a really lovely person, and in love with this guy. But what you just said there is very naive- you could be lucky and it'll all work out like a fairytale but you do need to resolve these issues with your boyfriend- particularly if they keep coming up time and time again

I'm worried he's not sitting you down and saying don't worry and reassuring you that he loves you, etc. Because he hasn't reassured you, you keep coming back to this same problem, and then it comes across as nagging and being a pain in the ass.

You need to respect yourself here and your feelings - put them before his for this issue- and tell him how you feel. If he isn't listening to you and putting you at ease, and just saying 'relax' well I'd find that extremely patronising.

Please don't be going around blaming yourself for this for god's sake! Have respect for yourself, and don't be afraid. Trust your feelings. It's a problem because he isn't listening. If he truly cares about you he should.

pog it

VaioCruiser wrote: »

OP I know you want to look for a future with this man, but it seems to me that you need to ease up on the planning and start to enjoy the present. Your BF is clearly a guy who wants to enjoy the now, enjoy living life as it is, with you and taking each day as it comes.

If you keep pressing for him to make plans it will almost definitely drive him away out of desperation. Try to look at things the way he does. Appreciate the now, today and tomorrow, and try to relax about plans. There is plenty of time for planning. The chances are that if you ease up on it, it will happen naturally.

You have to decide what you want out of life and if you are willing to risk losing him.

All the best !

I think the OP needs to be reassured they have a future together, and if one person wants to go travelling for a year, for example, then what's wrong with her wanting to discuss this in a general way? It's very reasonable.

CDfm

OP what age are you both and do you work?

Can I ask what exact plans do you want to talk about and issues you have raised.?

thefeatheredcat

OP,

You stated that you were having problems and outlined that one problem was about not discussing the future.. were the other major issues? Job/money worries?

When you think of living together, have you already thought of what the place is like, as in, how many bedrooms, what colour the wall will be, where it is, that sort or just that you have the desire to live together? And are you talking renting or going about getting a mortgage?


If it's the former, perhaps that's not what he wants and that it's something you pick and decide on together?

You've invested 4 years in this relationship and going by what you've said he does love you... it would be a shame to throw that away on forcing an ultimatum that is a tactic to scare into discussion or face the relationship being ended. He may just decide to walk away because you can't let up on the pressure of long term planning.

He will probably talk when he's ready and not when he's being confronted.

Maybe he doesn't know what he wants. Maybe he wants to know can you both survive what's happening economically before you commit to eachother further.

You're not telepathic, so you need to know what's going on, and yes it needs to be discussed, but just don't force the issue too much. He could get sick of being nagged and walk away.

In saying all that, it would also be a shame to end up being unhappy in a dead end relationship going nowhere, if you want completely different things. No reason for you to hang on in there and wait for his decision.

Try and be understanding, he may not want to be seen as a failure to his long term girlfriend and he has a mind of his own and may just have thoughts floating around in his head.

In the meantime, enjoy what you have with him in the now and appreciate him for being with you over the last 4 years...and still with you now.

Best of luck and I hope it works out well!

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
Thanks vaio cruiser! Any tips on how to do just that?
That is totally what i want, but for some reason i just can't seem to do it! I feel so much better just even getting some advice. I'm quite a sensitive person who believes in the happy ever after, romantic life! I just want no more drama!

Hi OP... I think you are right in that just getting advice and expressing your anxieties helps a lot. I have always found that too.
Sometimes people grow up with expectations about how adult life will be. Expectations about how romance goes and marriage and children. It becomes all about the future, the plans, the dreams. It is very easy to lose oneself in plans and fail to live life as it is now. The pleasure of just being together.

I believe your BF is quite a wise chap. He knows what he wants and he has been completely honest about it with you.

In these situations we have to take a step back and look at our priorities. Would life be better without him ? Can we learn to relax and take it day by day ... in steps... by self awareness and reflection ? Can he compromise at all ? These are possible ways of tackling the situation.

I honestly suspect that you have been so relentless and pressuring to him about making plans that he has, in turn, become polarised to the opposite point of view. If you were able to ease up by 50%, I seriously suspect that he would probably respond in a few months by moving in your direction. But he needs you to make that move, because he has made his preferences clear from the start.

People talk about "fault" and "blame". That is completely unhelpful and irrelevant here. What matters is that there are two people with very different perspectives on life, and a way needs to be found of moving each of you toward the centre over time.

All the best.

Lucyx

I don't know about this guy OP.

If he doesn't want to even discuss the future then I'd be worried.
My ex wasn't great at discussing the future and this only dawned on me after he left me. And your bf should want to live with you. If he's in love with you why wouldn't he want to wake up beside you everyday and spend his evenings with you in your shared home.

Think of it this way, if your friend was telling you about this guy what would you say to her? 4 years is a long time and the communication should be better between you at this stage. I mean whats he gonna be like in 5 years time or 10 years time yenno.

I wish you the best and hope things work out well for you xx

LegacyUser

OP here!
Thanks to all for the responses - felt good to read them and get a few different perspectives.
So i've thought long and hard about it, I'm 26 (he's 28) and I think i'm gona chill out. Life is too short to be constantly thinking of the future, it's wearing me down. To be honest, I think it's totally the pressure of what you are 'supposed' to be doing at this stage of a relationship, and maybe that's why so many relationships go pear shaped at this stage.
We both love each other, I'm sure about that. We don't live together, both have great jobs, faithful to each other etc. so everything in the present is rosy. I'm hoping it means if i don't ruin things in the meantime, like what some of you guys have suggested the future will work itself out in time!
Thanks again to all - hopefully i won't be back here again next week with the same issue!

Karen_*

Life is too short not to consider the future too. After four years you should have an idea where its headed or at least a partner willing to discuss the 'future' with you. I reckon that if after four years and at the age of 28 he's not willing to do that its because there is no future.

LegacyUser

Male opinion on this?

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Male opinion on this?

Male.

LegacyUser

Thanks again VaioCruiser -
OP here and have put some of your suggestions into effect. Early days but i think we're on the right road. We had such a great night last night just relaxing, no serious 'chat'. He looked at me with that sparkle that i missed so much, and all because i was smiling and genuinely in great form! Note to self....... why be miserable about the future when you can be happy with the present!!
Thank you to all!

thefeatheredcat

Hey OP,

Great to hear a happier outcome!

Seillejet

I dont think us men usually respond well to ultimatum's and do you really want a relationship that has ultimatums by one partner on another. We also hate discussing the future when pushed as opposed to bringing it up in our own time.

Sometimes we are happy with the living in the present and enjoying life as opposed to constantly planing stuff. We are simple creatures. Just because he doesnt feel the need to discuss plans I dont think he necessarily sees a problem with the relationship.

I think we prefer things to naturally evolve, and most women are very good at discussing stuff and planting seeds until we dont know that it was not our idea in the first place.

An example of this is the replacement of word need for want. We need a holiday, indeed Ive been told you need a holiday and it takes me a week to figure out she wants a holiday:)

I dont think we respond well to tears either. That said I am not trying to be hurtful to you OP just saying generally how us lads think.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Seillejet wrote: »

I dont think us men usually respond well to ultimatum's and do you really want a relationship that has ultimatums by one partner on another. We also hate discussing the future when pushed as opposed to bringing it up in our own time.

Sometimes we are happy with the living in the present and enjoying life as opposed to constantly planing stuff. We are simple creatures. Just because he doesnt feel the need to discuss plans I dont think he necessarily sees a problem with the relationship.

I think we prefer things to naturally evolve, and most women are very good at discussing stuff and planting seeds until we dont know that it was not our idea in the first place.

An example of this is the replacement of word need for want. We need a holiday, indeed Ive been told you need a holiday and it takes me a week to figure out she wants a holiday:)

I dont think we respond well to tears either. That said I am not trying to be hurtful to you OP just saying generally how us lads think.

Best of luck.

Funnily enough though a relationship is not all about what the man responds to or is happy with!! I think it's a bit of a joke that a boyfriend would refuse to discuss the future of their relationship!! I don't think this is anything to do with girlfriends being pushy I think it's more of a case of a boyfriend not wanting to live together etc.. so refusing to talk about it. Why should the OP have to accept that and just sit pretty waiting for the day he is willing to discuss their future? I'm not saying she should give him an ultimatum but has anyone heard of the word compromise??? Should be a big part of a relationship in my opinion otherwise it's just one person getting their own way while the other just goes along with it.

OP if you're happy to carry on not knowing exactly where your relationship is heading then fair play to you,I know I wouldn't do it and I certainly wouldn't kill myself worrying about what the man responds well to if he doesn't seem too bothered about what you want!

LegacyUser

OP here
I'm a bit disillusioned with some of the female responses.
Firstly, you can't nor should you want to change someone. I know only too well relationships are all about compromise, but surely a person should concentrate on what they can do to improve the relationship instead of trying to get the man to change?
Over & out.......

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
I'm a bit disillusioned with some of the female responses.
Firstly, you can't nor should you want to change someone. I know only too well relationships are all about compromise, but surely a person should concentrate on what they can do to improve the relationship instead of trying to get the man to change?
Over & out.......

I think you're a bit disillusioned with your relationship OP. You're not trying to change someone by asking them to discuss your future! And what's happening here is you're changing yourself by deciding to leave it because you don't want to rock the boat even though it's important to you.I don't see much compromising from your boyfriend!
I've been in your situation and I decided I wouldn't put up with being fobbed off anymore as much as I loved my ex if he didn't want to discuss a future together then as far I was concerned there wasn't one.
I hope it works out for you but I reckon this problem will arise again and again. Best of luck though

boomerang 143

Im just going to throw my two cents in here for what its worth and this is purely based on my experience and not to be taken as gospel.
I was with my oh for 4 years before we broke up. When we were together never once could I get him to talk about our future. Anytime I said anything even in a jokey way it would end up in a row. I guess looking back now it should have been a sign that he really wasnt that into the relationship but it is difficult to see when you are in the middle of it. Like you I tried to brush it all off and make excuses, "sure who knows what the future will bring anything could happen" , "everything else is great and if I break up with him I lose the love of my life and will still be in same situation" but looking back I wish I had faced the reality of the situation and walked away sooner.
When we broke up after 4 years his excuse was he had only just realised we were in a serious relationship. After 4 years wtf??? He said because I never put any pressure on him he didnt see what the big deal was
OP, you should be thinking about what you want and dont be afraid to ask for what you want. If he really loved you there should be some sort of compromise

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
I'm a bit disillusioned with some of the female responses.
Firstly, you can't nor should you want to change someone. I know only too well relationships are all about compromise, but surely a person should concentrate on what they can do to improve the relationship instead of trying to get the man to change?
Over & out.......

OP you seem to want a quick fix but its you are the one who is being unhappy and caring about what other people think where you should be at.He seems happy so its not his issue but yours.

So I dont imagine the female responses here would make much of a differences as they are not really your social group.

Has a spate of recent engagements or weddings got to you or something?

You dont mention what your domestic arrangements are -do you live with patrents, houseshare or what. If you do want him "living" with you have you thought of renting your own place on your own and seeing what happens?

The other thing that struck me was that you seem a bit afraid to be independent and doing things/making decisions on your own.So you are trying to map things out based on what he wants and stuff he is unsure on. Are you sure you are not using that as a cop out for not making decisions yourself?

I dont mean to sound harsh but your posts seem to be lacking in any detail of what you want or of any action plan for you and as you rightly say you cant force him to do things but you can take decisions on your own life and influence the situation to be how you want.

Dont you think you should consider what you want to make a start with it.

Lucyx

Seillejet wrote: »

I dont think us men usually respond well to ultimatum's and do you really want a relationship that has ultimatums by one partner on another. We also hate discussing the future when pushed as opposed to bringing it up in our own time.

Sometimes we are happy with the living in the present and enjoying life as opposed to constantly planing stuff. We are simple creatures. Just because he doesnt feel the need to discuss plans I dont think he necessarily sees a problem with the relationship.

I think we prefer things to naturally evolve, and most women are very good at discussing stuff and planting seeds until we dont know that it was not our idea in the first place.

An example of this is the replacement of word need for want. We need a holiday, indeed Ive been told you need a holiday and it takes me a week to figure out she wants a holiday:)

I dont think we respond well to tears either. That said I am not trying to be hurtful to you OP just saying generally how us lads think.

Best of luck.

I totally agree about the ultimatum stuff here......but is the rest not a painful generalisation of men?

Surely if a man is crazy about a woman then he would want to plan a future with her and he may even want to move in with her?

From my unfortunate experience, my ex was more than happy to live with me but the one time I mentioned marriage to him, he looked so paniced and about a month later he broke up with me. Now I'm not dying to get married and have kids (I think a big wedding day is a load of nonsense and the thoughts of children makes me nauseous) but if I'm in a commited relationship for a number of years and hes saying I love you many times a day then I'm kinda gonna expect a decent future with this guy yeah?

If a guy doesn't want to discuss the future with his gf surely thats bad news?? I think boomerang143 would agree with me here.