What is wrong woth me?

Mrs JackDaniels

Hi all,

Well I have been with my bf for nearly 5 yrs we have 2.5 yr old daughter, my bf is a great father and partner, but for some reason I just can't trust him 100% he has never done anything to make me not trust him, its just that I always think something or someone better will come along and turn his head. This is really starting to cause a problem for me. Our sex life is not much to write home about at the moment, that too is mostly down to me, I hate the way I look these days and just can't seem to let go enough to really enjoy sex anymore. I found some porn on the home pc today and I've confronted him about it and he hasn't said much but really what can I expect, its all my fault I just don't know what to do, I love him very much but I am scared I'm pushing him away


Sorry for the long post

m'lady

Well I suppose one question Id ask you op is, were you hurt in a previous relationship?

Terodil

Hmm, are you feeling less attractive for some reason? Does that cause the sudden insecurities?

I'm stepping into the realm of conjecture here but it sounds as if the issue may be not so much with your bf but rather with your picture of yourself. Have you 'let yourself go' lately with regards to food, exercise, clothes etc? If so, maybe you can 're-invent' yourself. Get a new haircut, go shopping with your OH, go to a gym, ... feel good!

getonyourboots

Even if a guy is going out with a supermodel he will still look at porn in his spare time and check out women in the street, thats just the nature of the beast.

Relax, enjoy life.

Mrs JackDaniels

m'lady wrote: »

Well I suppose one question Id ask you op is, were you hurt in a previous relationship?

No nothing major all my previous relationships were all just young lust

Mrs JackDaniels

Terodil wrote: »

Hmm, are you feeling less attractive for some reason? Does that cause the sudden insecurities?

I'm stepping into the realm of conjecture here but it sounds as if the issue may be not so much with your bf but rather with your picture of yourself. Have you 'let yourself go' lately with regards to food, exercise, clothes etc? If so, maybe you can 're-invent' yourself. Get a new haircut, go shopping with your OH, go to a gym, ... feel good!

I have put on a bit of weight recently but I just can't seem to get myself motivated for anything

m'lady

Mrs JackDaniels wrote: »

I have put on a bit of weight recently but I just can't seem to get myself motivated for anything

To be honest I know that feeling, and it can make you feel insecure/not good enough, and nobody can make you lose weight, only yourself.

To be honest I dont think losing the weight will fully help how you are feeling, I think we all have this crazy habit of thinking things will improve once we lose weight/get our hair cut or whatever. Have you spoke to your husband about how you are feeling?

Das Kitty

Hey Mrs,

You actually sound a bit down. I think you should talk to your GP, seeing as you're feeling so insecure that it's harming your relationship. You can feel better about yourself if you know when it's time to ask for help, and I think this thread is the start of that.

Take care of yourself.

Bubblefett

Nothing is wrong with you. if your self esteme is down then it WILL start taking an effect on the rest of your life- in this case your relationship.
5 years and a daughter together make for a very strong relationship, one that i'm sure could survive anything.

He's not going to cheat on you, he loves you and your daughter too much for that and has given you no idication that he's unhappy in the relationship.

And as for the porn, you said so yourself- the sex has suffered. We all have needs and i wouldn't hold it against him. He's not looking at it because he wants to leave you. there's nothing to read into here. He's just got desires like us all, and is just trying to find a way to fullfill them.

Now- as for fixing what's happening here, it's all down to you honey. You've let your insecurities take themselves out on your boyfriend. You don;t feel good about yourself so you think he doesn't feel good about you either. In short you're worrying way too much!

Do something that makes you feel good about yourself- get yourself pampered-get your hair done (why not change the colour or style- try tony and guy, they'll do a consulation and tell you honestly what'll work for you), do a make up lesson with a makeup artist at one of the counters in BT or HOF- buy yourself some nice products, and why not take advantage of the fact that most stores (such as HOF BT and Debenhams) offer a free style consult? Treat yourself, it's worth it.

Talk to your boyfriend about how your feeling too. There's no point going through this alone. Tell him why the sex has gone bad. Tell him why you think it's happened. You'd be suprised how just opening up about this can help release the weight from your shoulders.
You're a family. You'll get through this.
He loves you.
He's always loved you.
And he's never given any indication that he doesn't

(cheesey jerry springer-esque last like) Learning to love yourself is a life lesson we all must learn at one stage. And nothing makes this easier than being surounded by people who love you regardless.

Wurly

Hi OP.

Well first of all - i'd say a lot of us females have been there. I was and if i'm honest, still am to a certain extent.

So - you haven't been hurt in the past so it's not like you're afraid of something happening again.

It appears therefore that it all boils down to low self esteem and poor self worth. Did you suffer post natal depression after your child? If so, it might be worth investigating if there is still some residual depression there.

There are heaps of self help books out that deal with self esteem issues. Pick something that has some form of 'workbook' in it so that you are actively dealing with the problem and you have a record of how far you've come.

What's your social life like? If your life consists of your child and your partner, that could be making you feel down too. Do you see your friends much? Do you partake in any activities that you enjoy?

I find that when I socialise and pursue my hobbies, I am generally happier. And the motivation and fulfillment that I get spurs me on to do other things.

The hardest thing is starting to pull yourself out of the rut. But once you've done that, you'll actually enjoy making progress.

If after that, things don't improve (I have a sneaking suspicion they will though), there is always the option of going to speak to a counsellor.

Best of luck.

VaioCruiser

Mrs JackDaniels wrote: »

Hi all,

Well I have been with my bf for nearly 5 yrs we have 2.5 yr old daughter, my bf is a great father and partner, but for some reason I just can't trust him 100% he has never done anything to make me not trust him, its just that I always think something or someone better will come along and turn his head. This is really starting to cause a problem for me. Our sex life is not much to write home about at the moment, that too is mostly down to me, I hate the way I look these days and just can't seem to let go enough to really enjoy sex anymore. I found some porn on the home pc today and I've confronted him about it and he hasn't said much but really what can I expect, its all my fault I just don't know what to do, I love him very much but I am scared I'm pushing him away


Sorry for the long post

OP - you talk about two very different things here.

As regards the confidence in bed, I do understand from an experienced man's point of view. I think sex is very precious, and easily damages by self esteem problems ... what is the prospect of your weight and dressing style changing ?

The second issue is much more damaging in my view. This jealousy thing. How did it start ? have you always been the jealous type ? Jealousy is so corrosive and damaging. Please read some of the other threads in this web site and you will see the damage and hurt it causes. I think this is the most important thing for you to tackle, unless it has arisen directly from your drop in self esteem...

All the best !

Mrs JackDaniels

Thanks for the advice everyone I do think I'm stuck in a rut at the moment, I'm at home all day with the baby and we don't go out very much so really I think I need to start doing something for myself/ourselves. As far as the porn goes I think I feel hurt by it because I think he doesnt find me attractive, now he has never said anything to make me think this. I know I need to talk this through with him but I'm afraid of what I might hear and I'm afraid I'll get defensive and turn this into a row which is the last thing I want to do.

I'm just too up screwed I guess

Wurly

Mrs JackDaniels wrote: »

Thanks for the advice everyone I do think I'm stuck in a rut at the moment, I'm at home all day with the baby and we don't go out very much so really I think I need to start doing something for myself/ourselves. As far as the porn goes I think I feel hurt by it because I think he doesnt find me attractive, now he has never said anything to make me think this. I know I need to talk this through with him but I'm afraid of what I might hear and I'm afraid I'll get defensive and turn this into a row which is the last thing I want to do.

I'm just too up screwed I guess

The worst thing you can do is label yourself. Read your thread in the third person. Would you think 'yer one's a bit of a nut job?' Or would you think - well no wonder she feels the way she does. She's unfulfilled, always at home with the baby. She needs a bit of pep.

I know what I think - and its the latter. So less of the labelling. It will always cause you to think of yourself badly.

Porn - hmm. Everyone does it... Men and women. It means nothing. It is a visual gratification. Nothing more. It does not mean he doesn't love you. It does not mean he doesn't find you attractive. It simply means nothing. Don't worry.x

VaioCruiser

Mrs JackDaniels wrote: »

Thanks for the advice everyone I do think I'm stuck in a rut at the moment, I'm at home all day with the baby and we don't go out very much so really I think I need to start doing something for myself/ourselves. As far as the porn goes I think I feel hurt by it because I think he doesnt find me attractive, now he has never said anything to make me think this. I know I need to talk this through with him but I'm afraid of what I might hear and I'm afraid I'll get defensive and turn this into a row which is the last thing I want to do.

I'm just too up screwed I guess

Not screwed up OP... Just going through a tough patch. Being a mother is exhausting and I expect you are tired and suffering from spending so much time with a small child without adult company.. Being a mother presents a father with conflicting emotions. He sees you now not so much as a hot sexual partner, and maybe more as a mommy. It makes it difficult for him too.
I would suggest that you need ot get out more, dinner, drinks, someone's party. Get a babysitter once a week. Get a nice new dress and underwear...

Re the Porn. Men are men. Please. You must know this by now. It has nothing to do with you, though may be related to what I said above.

All the best.