Single Dad wondering about joint-guardianship

Son_of_Belial

Hi all,
I'd like some feedback on my predicament if possible. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me (without giving a completely straight reason) four months into her pregnancy with our now three week old daughter. We were together for almost three years prior to this. Over the last five months I have done everything in my power to fix our relationship and was actually making some headway in that regard (my ex was saying we probably would get back together), but as soon as our daughter was born, she doesn't want to know. I'm aware that she's putting 100% of her energy into our baby as is right and proper, but now I'm looking to the future. We had been toynig with the idea of getting married before this happened, and I believed I could be a guardian of our daughter once this happened. However, now that this is unlikely I mentioned the prospect of her signing the relevant papers to give me joint-guardianship of our daughter. She has flatly refused. The only other option open to me in this regard now is to go to my District Court and try and force the matter, but I'm really afraid that this will "rock the boat" so to speak. We're staying reasonably good friends (she's been terribly cold towards me lately) and I'm worried that forcing the issue will destroy any working relationship we have now. Maintenance is another issue also. She refuses to accept more than a hundred euro a month from me for our baby's (and her) up-keep. She just says "If I need money I'll ask you for it" but I know she won't. Should I just open an account and put money in there anyway? Does anyone have any experience with joint-guardianship requests from the courts? Any feed-back, advice/pointers would be greatly appreciated. Also, are there any support groups out there for single fathers? Are there any dads out there who have obtained joint-guardianship of their children, and is it really worth all the hassle involved obtaining it? I know my ex would REALLY resent me if I even applied to the courts for it. Really confused...

loadngo

Congrats on becoming a Daddy !

I am a single Mum to a 16 year old i appointed my parents as joint gardians of my Daughter as i am single wasnt married to her Dad and he didnt want to know until recently and i am a Firefighter and God forbid anything should happen to me i did want her left in legal limbo.

When a couple arent married only the mum is sole gardian.

I would advise that you do open a bank account i would try writing a letter explaining why you want to be joint gardian for instance God forbid your child needed an operation ect you cant even sign the consent form even if you ARE on the birth cert when i went to Dolphin House the Family Court in Dublin it was very simple went in expalined my situation they gave me a date then went in on the court date with my parents and expalined my situation to the Judge who was very nice and that was that.

If i was your ex i would be delighted that you wanted to do so much all you can do is your best you are a Daddy now and much as you still love and care for your ex you have to do what you think is right for your child in years to come you will have to expalin why you arent together it would be fantastic for your Daughter to know that her Daddy did everything he could.
You can be a bad partner but fantastic Dad dont put pressure on her 3 weeks after giving birth she isnt herself anyway as i said try writing and just expalin you just want to be a good Dad its not a big legal deal to become gardian (althought the courts may want to make sure you are the the Dad and i am not for a second implying your not if your ex goes to court and says she dosent want you to be gardian she needs a very good reason why )
Much as you care / love your ex your little girl and her best interests come first

Best of luck

The Corinthian

There is a very good and practical reason as to why you should be a legal guardian and that is that should anything happen to your daughter's mother, her next of kin (parents, or even future spouse) would get your daughter. You would have no legal right, without going to court for it.

I would raise this issue citing this very important point with her when you ask her about joint-guardianship, because it means that if she opposes it she would have to have a very good reason, which is in your daughter's interest, as to why you should not be afforded this right.

If she cannot give such a reason or the reason is a selfish / control-related one then you have a problem. In that scenario, it is unlikely that she will ever agree to joint-guardianship and it would be up to you to decide if you wish to pursue it via the courts.

~me~

hey, congrats!

signing the guardianship papers allows you to give permission for you're daughter to leave the country/ apply for a passport, school trips, religous ceremonies, etc. its really important. your name on the birth cert gives you NO legal rights.

if she eventually agrees all you need to do is get a commissioner of oaths/ solicitor to witness both of you signing the document and then to stamp, sign it. thats all. make sure he keeps a record of it and get a copy for yourself. our solicitor didnt take a note and we've only one copy so if one of us tore it up we'd have no proof!

if she doesnt agree you'll have to go through the courts and apply for it but unless she has a genuine reason and proof then you'll be awarded shared guardianship. 96% of fathers are usually awarded it so theres no need to worry. custody isn't usually as high but if you've already got guardianship it'll go in your favour.

this site might be helpful- http://www.usfi.ie/

the account is a good idea. as mean as it sounds, the mother may hold the 100 a month against you and accuse you of not paying enough. obviously i dont know your situation but some custody battles sink very low so its just in case. just record everything you've done for the baby in case its needed in court.

good luck. and congrats again!

Son_of_Belial

Thanks for all the congratulations. Yeah her reasons seem to be fairly control related but she still feels that there's no way that she's going to sign the papers giving me joint-guardianship. In fact, she has tried to say that I have rights on passport, schooling etc. simply because my name is on the Birth Cert. which I know very well to be untrue. Account is sorted now, it's just a case of waiting a little longer. Are there any groups out there for single dads?

loadngo

I was in work last night and havent gone to bed yet so sorryif i am a little grumpy but your ex seems to think what she say go's not so!

In life we can do things the hard way or the easy way as i said try talking / writing and make a point of saying you are will to go the legal route if you have to ( have you spoken to her family what is there attitude ?) honestly if your little girl means so much which she clearly does stop being a door mat for her to play games with actions speak louder than words like opening the bank account well done 1st step !

Too many men dont want to rock the boat and end up getting used as pawns in a game remember you are both connected by this little girl for life regardless of how the relationshipbetween you two pans out i know its a long way off but when your Daughter grows up just think how proud she will be of her Dad that did rock the boat and ruffle a few feathers and again jumping the gun but if your Daughter told you she was getting married and wanted you to be at her wedding and someone told you well i dont want you to be what you would do be brave and go and make your Daughter happy or stay away because your where told too if your answer is you would go regardless then you know in your heart what you should do so your ex will be upset so what you have a new little Princess now : )

I'll get back to you about a group for Dads Im sure one o Dublins Finest & Bravest will know : )

~me~

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

Thanks for all the congratulations. Yeah her reasons seem to be fairly control related but she still feels that there's no way that she's going to sign the papers giving me joint-guardianship. In fact, she has tried to say that I have rights on passport, schooling etc. simply because my name is on the Birth Cert. which I know very well to be untrue. Account is sorted now, it's just a case of waiting a little longer. Are there any groups out there for single dads?

the site i mentioned above is for single families (mainly dads, they hold meetings as well) and the treoir website is an information site for unmarried parents and has booklets on loads of stuff about legal rights etc.
http://treoir.ie/.
yeh dont let her talk you into thinking the birth cert or you being the biological father has anything to do with rights, until she signs something for you shes the only one with rights. no matter what the situation. fair play for doing all this though. hope it goes well.

b3t4

Son_of_Belial wrote: »

In fact, she has tried to say that I have rights on passport, schooling etc. simply because my name is on the Birth Cert.

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt here but she might actually believe this to be true. Lots of people are unaware that you need to get joint guardianship for those things, if you are not married. And alot more people think that your name on the birth cert gives you some rights.

Would mediation be an option for the both of you? That's what I'd try to do before going near the court.

Moonbeam

I know this sounds awful but are you sure the baby is yours?Is that why she does not want you paying towards it?it could explain some of her behaviour.
Sorry for bring it up ,I know it is an awful thing to say.

Dades

OP, has your ex given you any reason as to why she won't sign guardianship papers?

As b3t4 suggests above, maybe she believes you have rights already and is afraid that guardianship would allow you to take custody or something dramatic like that.

If you can print off the relevant material that clearly states you have no rights until deemed a guardian, and show it to her, then perhaps she'll accept.

If she doesn't, knowing the full facts, then I would waste no time in letting her know she is leaving you no choice but to pursue the legal route and that you intend to do so. Dads need to stand for their rights!

Lastly, from another father of a baby girl, Congrats.

Klingon Hamlet

Hey congrats man for being a dad and for wanting the best for your child.

Here's what you need to apply for IF it goes down the legal route:

Access, Joint Guardianship, Joint Custody

Hope you don't have to but you might. keep a record of all payments to the bank a/c you mentioned. have it in the child's name if possible. Keep a diary of EVERYTHING re: your child. These things can turn nasty; you need to get your facts straight, and judges love diaries.

Hopefully this can be resolved the easy way. You have nothing to fear if you're prepared to fight for your rights. Don't bother with getting a solicitor---you van represent yourself.


Contact Ray Kelly at www.usfi.ie. He WILL HELP YOU. Mediators, legal advisors, even counselors---anything at all.

Best of luck, and congratulations again!

Dfens

Moonbeam wrote: »

I know this sounds awful but are you sure the baby is yours?Is that why she does not want you paying towards it?it could explain some of her behaviour.
Sorry for bring it up ,I know it is an awful thing to say.

Moonbeam, that thought crossed my mind too tbh, after a 3 year relationship seemed like strange behaviour for a newly pregnant woman.

AckwelFoley

Dfens wrote: »

Moonbeam, that thought crossed my mind too tbh, after a 3 year relationship seemed like strange behaviour for a newly pregnant woman.

Its a valid point, however..

If that is the case why wouldnt she just say it?

the_syco

snyper wrote: »

Its a valid point, however..

If that is the case why wouldnt she just say it?

She may be unsure (if she had a drunken night of passion with a randomer), and sees no point in burning a bridge (telling the OP that she cheated) if it turns out that the baby is in fact the OPs.

~me~

or maybe she just doesnt want to 'owe' him anything if things get sour. i.e. she doesnt want him to be able to say i paid X amount in maintenance so im entitled to X amount of days with baby.