Jealousy arising from partner's past

KyleBovine

I just want advice from anyone out there who can help with a particular problem I am having in my relationship. This needs a bit of a lengthy explanation, but bear with me.

Myself and my girlfriend are in our late-twenties, and we have been together a few months, but two years ago we went out together for a year. We are very fond of each other and we are open with regard to our sexual history with other partners. I think we took pride in being open to each other and ignoring each others' vulnerabilities.

When we broke up we were both reasonable about it and we continued to work in the media together (although we didn't meet in person, we were in contact through phone and email, mainly regarding work). During this time, approx. 14 months, we both saw other people, I had a steady girlfriend while she had several casual relationships. During this period, we both were insensitive to each other, trying to make each other jealous by spilling relationship details to each other, but my ex had the habit of being quite explicit, tearing me up inside. I still had feelings for her, but never stated it.

After a change in work circumstances, we didn't speak for 6 months, but in the end we ended up forced to communicate. We were both single at this stage, and decided to give things another go. This time around, we were wary and cautious, but much kinder to each other and sensitive to each others' needs. Things were finally working out. We started making plans for moving in together, and we have planned to try for a child together.

However, old problems, namely my jealousy of her past relationships, arose when she invited me to join her as a friend on social networking site. I duly accepted, but after a few days I got comments on my page from friends of hers, directing me to look at her photo albums. In her albums she is taking part in sexual foreplay and they are raunchy in the extreme. She goes on to describe in detail her sexual experiences of those evenings, and I was very shocked at how indiscreet she could be and how extreme her actions were. These occurred over the period that we were not together, but the openness and the amount of photos broke my heart. Naturally, I feel very hurt and I don't know how to talk to her about the topic as we previously broke down those sort of barriers, but the photographs have thrown me.

tbh

take it or leave it, dude.

I mean that in the nicest possible way, and I wouldn't judge you either way. But it is what it is. You could ask her, out of respect, to take the pics down, but if she were me, I wouldn't When you say sexual foreplay, I presume you mean sexual horseplay? I mean, no-ones naked or anything, right?

So really, it's not a decency thing, it's a pride thing - your pride is hurt that your mates are seeing your g/f in these kind of poses with guys who are not you, would that be fair enough?

CDfm

What tbh is saying is on the right track.

It shouldn't change your relationship. Most people with any sense dont want to know about their partners past and I would have no probs saying please take the pics down. If they freak you out a bit say it and thats allowed -dont brood on it.

Being jealous about the pics is normal and its like if you were out someone chatting up your girlfriend. Its flattering but you dont need it.

partyguinness

To me she seems:

a. an exhibitionist;
b. a wannabe porn star;
c. immature;
d. all of the above.

Is this really the type of women you want to have a child with and introduce to the parents? Sounds like you will have to share her with the rest of the world.

LegacyUser

Gosh, she will get her page removed if she has rude pics on it. She doesn't sound like a decent girl, it is one thing being promiscuous but advertising it on the internet and having her friends tell you to look at them is all in rather bad taste.

If it bothers you that much then move onto someone with a little more respect for themselves, and you.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP. Sounds like you have a terrific, spirited and liberated girl friend and you are having trouble handling it. It's not easy, I agree. But no one said life and relationships would be easy, right ? :rolleyes:

You have a simple decision. You need to get a grip on your jealously or you will lose her, and not only her, but it will cause problems for you in future relationships too.

Jealousy is natural. But it is also destructive and corrosive to relationships and you can learn to control it.

TBH above makes good points. Maybe ask her to tone down her social networking site - and she may actually appreciate your feelings about it. But try not to give your jealousy away ... just tell her that you feel strongly about her and would really appreciate it.

The rest, her history and openness, you will just have to get used to if you want her.

All the best !

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

Gosh, she will get her page removed if she has rude pics on it. She doesn't sound like a decent girl, it is one thing being promiscuous but advertising it on the internet and having her friends tell you to look at them is all in rather bad taste.

If it bothers you that much then move onto someone with a little more respect for themselves, and you.

Are you suggesting he reports it?

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Sounds like you have a terrific, spirited and liberated girl friend and you are having trouble handling it. It's not easy, I agree. But no one said life and relationships would be easy, right ? :rolleyes:

You have a simple decision. You need to get a grip on your jealously or you will lose her, and not only her, but it will cause problems for you in future relationships too.

Jealousy is natural. But it is also destructive and corrosive to relationships and you can learn to control it.

TBH above makes good points. Maybe ask her to tone down her social networking site - and she may actually appreciate your feelings about it. But try not to give your jealousy away ... just tell her that you feel strongly about her and would really appreciate it.

The rest, her history and openness, you will just have to get used to if you want her.

All the best !

There's a big difference in the OP being jealous about his girlfriend having a past and him being upset by her flaunting herself on the internet for all to see!!
Yes you need to get over your jealousies about her past but with regards to the pics It's cheap and tacky and I'd wonder how she could respect him when she clearly doesn't repsect herself. She shouldn't feel the need to flaunt images of her past sexual relationships for all to see,she needs to grow up a bit I think.
Why would you be bothered with someone with that kind of menatlity?

LegacyUser

I am not suggesting he reports it but you can't put pictures on which could be deemed offensive and if they are as bad as he suggests, she will get reported, whether it be off him or someone else.

I can't understand why you would want your family, friends and colleagues to see you in that kind of position, so to speak .

Wagon

KyleBovine wrote: »

In her albums she is taking part in sexual foreplay and they are raunchy in the extreme. She goes on to describe in detail her sexual experiences of those evenings, and I was very shocked at how indiscreet she could be and how extreme her actions were. These occurred over the period that we were not together, but the openness and the amount of photos broke my heart.

You said yourself you have no problems about her previous experiences but to have photos up and describing in detail about what she did later that night is pretty insulting.

I wouldn't call her open minded, liberated and free. I'd call her more immature, self centered and a little heartless. she knew she had these photos up and she also knew that you'd be one of her friends on it so why keep them there for her boyfriend to see? It's hurtful and if she can't understand that well then it's pretty obvious she needs a lot of growing up to do. And she is certainly not ready to be a mother.

tbh

Wagon wrote: »

You said yourself you have no problems about her previous experiences but to have photos up and describing in detail about what she did later that night is pretty insulting.

I wouldn't call her open minded, liberated and free. I'd call her more immature, self centered and a little heartless. she knew she had these photos up and she also knew that you'd be one of her friends on it so why keep them there for her boyfriend to see? It's hurtful and if she can't understand that well then it's pretty obvious she needs a lot of growing up to do. And she is certainly not ready to be a mother.

ah - in fairness - she's free to do whatever she wants, and if the OP doesn't like, he can break up with her. Judging her because the OP doesn't like the pics is a little unfair, we don't even know what kind of pics they are. If the OP was very religious, for example, his idea of what constitutes a pic of "foreplay" may be very different from yours, so why paint yourself into a corner before you know all the facts?

Wagon

tbh wrote: »

ah - in fairness - she's free to do whatever she wants, and if the OP doesn't like, he can break up with her.

Ah yeah, i agree here. If she's single there's no problem.

Judging her because the OP doesn't like the pics is a little unfair, we don't even know what kind of pics they are. If the OP was very religious, for example, his idea of what constitutes a pic of "foreplay" may be very different from yours, so why paint yourself into a corner before you know all the facts?

He doesn't seem religious or small minded judging by his post. But the woman went on to describe what she did that night and on a secial networking site which anyone can see. I think very few red blooded males wants the details of what his girlfriend got up to before they met and the way she sort of advertises it is very off putting. If my girlfriend did the same I'd be gone in a heartbeat. Sublety is a nice trait to have when it comes to sex. Sort of along the lines of: Do what you want but don't assume the world wants to hear what you got up to.

tbh

the reason I'm a bit suss is because by "Social Networking Sites" I assume he means the big three: myspace, facebook or bebo. And I know all of those have strict guidelines about the types of pic that can posted. So if they are on one of those sites, and he's calling them pics of "foreplay", I can only assume that they are more horseplay, if you know what I mean, but not exactly explicit. I have a feeling that the OP has a problem because it's his missus in them. Just to explain my thinking on this one

Wagon

tbh wrote: »

the reason I'm a bit suss is because by "Social Networking Sites" I assume he means the big three: myspace, facebook or bebo. And I know all of those have strict guidelines about the types of pic that can posted. So if they are on one of those sites, and he's calling them pics of "foreplay", I can only assume that they are more horseplay, if you know what I mean, but not exactly explicit. I have a feeling that the OP has a problem because it's his missus in them. Just to explain my thinking on this one

That occured to me to. Maybe there's other ones out there but yeah i think you're right. We need a bit more detail.

LegacyUser

I don't think anyone is in a position to pass judgement on this girl. We haven't seen these pics. For eg, my friend's profile pic is a pic of her in a low-cut top and her bf has his face stuck in her chest. She thinks it's funny, was taken at a party when they were joking around. Others might see it as foreplay...

I think the OP should ask her to remove them and explain how they make him feel. She may not be that bothered. She is perfectly within her rights to refuse though. Then it's up to OP to decide if it's that big an issue for him that he can't stay with her.

LegacyUser

KyleBovine wrote: »

Things were finally working out. We started making plans for moving in together, and we have planned to try for a child together.

I got comments on my page from friends of hers, directing me to look at her photo albums. .

1. You have yet to move in together and are already planning to have a kid? Would it not be a better idea to see how you get on together before having a baby?

2. Why would her friends direct you to her photo album? I would suspect that they are trying to warn you off her to an extent. I would never contact the gf of a friend of mine to tell her that my mate had pics up of him with other girls.

Regardless of whether it's horsing around or something more intimate, why did her friends encourage you to see her cavourting with other guys?

Miss Fluff

KyleBovine wrote: »

However, old problems, namely my jealousy of her past relationships, arose when she invited me to join her as a friend on social networking site. I duly accepted, but after a few days I got comments on my page from friends of hers, directing me to look at her photo albums. In her albums she is taking part in sexual foreplay and they are raunchy in the extreme. She goes on to describe in detail her sexual experiences of those evenings, and I was very shocked at how indiscreet she could be and how extreme her actions were.

Why exactly would her "friends" direct you to pages of your now GF behaving in a way that has upset you? I find this very puzzlingI presume these are people she knows who obviously don't have her best interests at heart rather than being actual friends of hers?

What constitutes as "taking part in sexual foreplay and they are raunchy to the extreme"?

Can you elaborate? Are you sure you meant actual foreplay?