Big Dilemma about year away

LegacyUser

Ok, I've been going out with my BF for about a year and a half now, and things are going pretty well. However, I'm leaving in a couple of months to go study abroad for a year, and honestly, would like a bit of freedom for a year.
The only thing is I know my BF would be devastated if I mentioned this, we went through a period a while ago where we were having a rough time and were near enough breaking up, and he was inconsolable during that time. I do love him, but I think I'm quite young and to make a commitment to somebody who I may see twice in a year is a lot at my age. He has been talking about next year about staying together etc (mostly drunkenly), and I haven't said anything, but obviously he would much prefer to stay together for the year than me.
The only thing which is making it especially hard is that he has purposely stayed at home this summer to spend time with me, which I have tried telling him in roundabout ways that I think it is quite naive. If anything he will prob end up missing me more. It means most of his friends are gone away and he's getting quite bored at home and becoming quite reliant on me to keep him company nearly every night, and it's becoming a bit tedious.
I don't wanna let him down though when he's got no-one else around. He really is the nicest guy ever, and I hate hurting him, but again I just dunno if I can justify making such a big commitment at this part of my life. This year abroad will hopefully offer me loads of new opportunities, and I want to be in a position where I can take advantage of them without having to worry about neglecting my BF at home.
I just feel I wanna take as much advantage of this year away as possible, but I can't bring myself to hurt my BF. It feels logical in my head to split up for the year, but he won't see it my way and I fear he will take it really badly. I really hate the thought of hurting him!

All advice welcome

Thanks

Wagon

What your boyfriend will think is that you want to be with other lads. And then, when you come home he can resume his role of boyfriend. This isn't fair.

If you want to be single, then end it and for good. Dropping a relationship for a year and then taking it back up when you've had your bit is pretty insulting to any partner unless you both agree on it and are honest with each other. If he doesn't see it like that then just end it. He'll get over it eventually.

seamus

Wagon wrote: »

What your boyfriend will think is that you want to be with other lads. And then, when you come home he can resume his role of boyfriend. This isn't fair.

If you want to be single, then end it and for good. Dropping a relationship for a year and then taking it back up when you've had your bit is pretty insulting to any partner unless you both agree on it and are honest with each other. If he doesn't see it like that then just end it. He'll get over it eventually.

^^
What he said.

"I want to be free", translates into, "I would like to go around shagging as many other lads as I can get my hands on and not feel guilty about it".

In his mind, you want to do this *now* (i.e. you'd like to shag other guys now), but are restricted because you are with him and you don't love him as much as you say you do. This is why it won't work. Regardless of how separated that is from the truth, that's what is in his head and that's what will stay in his head.

Breaks can work, and they can make a relationship even stronger, but they don't work when you call them "breaks". It needs to be a break-up. He needs to face the reality that the relationship is over and may never restart. If you call it a "break", he lives with the certainty that you will get back together, but at the same time he will live in constant pain because he can't be with you and in his mind you're out shagging someone else every other night.

If you actually break up completely, he doesn't have the certainty or even the expectation that you will get back together and this will allow him to move on quicker. Break-ups always hurt, but the pain is only prolonged if one or both parties live in the expectation that it's only temporary.

Don't give him any expectation of anything. In a year's time you might decide that he's not for you or that you want to stay away from home. Then you have to break up with the poor bastard *again*.

Finish it, finish it permanently and with no ifs, but or "in time"'s. When you come back, then you can both decide what to do, don't make any plans, don't give any expectations or hopes for the relationship in the future. He will get over it quicker and he will have more fun while you're gone.

Drawing Dead

hi, i went away for a year after i finished college. my girlfriend of 1 and a half years couldn't come because she was still in college. like you i wanted to take full advantage of my position in life, i felt that i'd never have a better time to go away because i may become tied down in the future and my friends mightn't want to go travelling in a few years either. neither of us wanted to split up as we love each other dearly so we just kept in contact as much as we could. after 4 months i missed her so much i was an emotional wreck and decided to return after 6 months instead of staying for the planned 12.

now the point i want to make is hindsight is 20 20.
when i was planning my trip and getting ready to go i was very excited obviously and i wanted to make the most of it and see the world and have lots of opportunities, just like you. being so caught up in this i also never really realised how badly this was affecting my girlfriend and how devastated she really was, i just presumed she understood. once i was away i will admit i was having one of the times of my life but missing my girlfriend got worse and worse until i just had to return home.
i learnt that taking a break from my girlfriend wasn't really worth it. there are some things that are more important in life and i think it often takes hindsight to see this. like you i felt i was a bit young to be tied down by this person and wasn't sure i should throw away this opportunity just for her. but afterwards i realised that i actually had two opportunities:
to travel the world and take all the great things and further opportunity that comes with that; or i had the opportunity to be with the girl i love. it really depends whats more important.

now i know your sitution is a little different and you're going to study and you probably wont be able to come home to your boyfriend early. but do you really love him? maybe if after a few months being apart and you don't feel the way i did then maybe you don't? long distance relationships can work if you both truly love each other, as it did with my girlfriend and i. so if you love this man i'd suggest you try your best to stay together. but you must talk about it! its obvious your boyfriend wants to but he's just scared so he gets drunk before mentioning it. don't throw away this love because you think you'll have lots more opportunities for it. like i said, it was only after by nearly loosing my girlfriend that i realised just how much i love her and what that actually means.

hope this helps.

iguana

bigdilemma wrote: »

This year abroad will hopefully offer me loads of new opportunities,

Like what? The only possible thing that would arise in the year away that being in a relationship would prevent you from doing is being with other people. And if you already know that you would like to be with someone else at some point then you know that your current boyfriend isn't who you want to be with long-term. That's perfectly reasonable and you should end it.

He does appear to want to be with you long-term so will probably be heart-broken, but that's life. You can't stay with someone you don't truly want to be with to avoid hurting them. It's not nice and I'm sure you don't want to hurt him, but that's all part of growing up.

But what you are suggesting is either cowardly or selfish. End it and allow you both to move on with a clean slate. Don't string him along while you go off and have fun and then expect him to be waiting when you come back.

zeslim

Honestly it sounds like you've already made your decision - you want to end it, but you dread the prospect of hurting him. It's better for both of you if you end it sooner rather than later. And I don't think that wanting your freedom abroad necessarily means you want to be able to hook up with other people - maintaining a long-distance relationship is a big commitment. He'll want to know what your plans are, what your new friends are like, and to keep in touch on a fairly regular basis. If you feel this strongly about maintaining your independence, then you'll have to let the relationship go. As you don't want to torture him while you're gone, I'd suggest telling him that you simply don't feel able to be part of a long-distance relationship for a year.

Breakups are always unpleasant, regardless of which end you're on. But you know what you want, and you shouldn't let guilt hold you back.

Good luck!