Sister living so far away

LegacyUser

My sister and I have always been extremely close. However 10 years ago she decided to try living in Australia for a year and she is still there and is unlikely (highly unlikely) to leave. She just wanted to live in the sunshine try something new, after a while she met a guy (irish) and they are expecting a baby now. I am glad she is happy and she enjoys the sunshine and great outdoors etc etc. Anyway...I feel like a selfish bitter bitch and this is really bothering me - because I suppose I realise we will never share the things in life I would have thought normal - meeting for coffee / going to cinema / seeing the kid grow up etc. Also our parents are in need of care now and of course the burden falls to me. When she comes home on hols its a mad panic of meeting old friends / relations then a mad crying session and shes away back. We talk on the phone a lot but its really not the same and the gaps in geography and lifestyle are getting harder and harder to fill. A friend suggested recently that I am punishing her by blocking her out of my life...this is what is bothering me most - I would hate myself if I was conciously doing this. I dont tell her everything any more becuase it takes too bloody long to explain everything (with time differences etc we really only get to talk properly at the weekends and then only if neither of us is doing anything else) and also because she will never meet the people / understand the situations I am talking about anyway - so its irrelevant. I feel hurt that she has chosen to live a life without me in it...am I being completely selfish and unreasonable? I know everyone has to make their own path in life. Is anyone in a similar situation? How do you cope with faraway siblings and elderly parents? I think I am turning into a bitter old aunt. Help.

Lolaa

Im in the same situation as you. Your not on your own. I miss my sibling so much that sometimes it becomes unbearable not to speak to them for so long with time differences / working / wkends / lifestyles etc.

Please dont push your sister out of your life - you'l regret it to the end, as hard as it sounds, try to embrace her lifestyle, let her tel you all the amazing things that Oz has to offer, and all the things the new baby is doin - you'l be so entriged that you'l be dyin for her calls.

Hav you been over there for a holiday - if not, could you make a trip over there?

LegacyUser

Thanks Lolaa. Yeah I have been over a lot, I was totally into it and happy for her. I suppose I am just realising that this is how its going to be. Somehow I thought that she would move home eventually but am learning that that aint gonna happen and as we get older prob see less and less of each other.

LegacyUser

My friends sisters all live abroad also and I know how much she misses them and misses getting to know her nieces and nephews. It can be very hard. In relation to your parents, speaking from experience this can happen even if all your siblings are in the same country. Because I am single, my married brothers & sisters leave me with more of the responsibility when it comes to my elderly parents and it does annoy me at times. Dont leave your sister out of anything in relation to your parents as you shouldnt have to deal with this on your own. Even if she isnt in the same country she can still help with making decisions and with finances & I'm sure she would want to be part of this also.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

My sister and I have always been extremely close. However 10 years ago she decided to try living in Australia for a year and she is still there and is unlikely (highly unlikely) to leave. She just wanted to live in the sunshine try something new, after a while she met a guy (irish) and they are expecting a baby now. I am glad she is happy and she enjoys the sunshine and great outdoors etc etc. Anyway...I feel like a selfish bitter bitch and this is really bothering me - because I suppose I realise we will never share the things in life I would have thought normal - meeting for coffee / going to cinema / seeing the kid grow up etc. Also our parents are in need of care now and of course the burden falls to me. When she comes home on hols its a mad panic of meeting old friends / relations then a mad crying session and shes away back. We talk on the phone a lot but its really not the same and the gaps in geography and lifestyle are getting harder and harder to fill. A friend suggested recently that I am punishing her by blocking her out of my life...this is what is bothering me most - I would hate myself if I was conciously doing this. I dont tell her everything any more becuase it takes too bloody long to explain everything (with time differences etc we really only get to talk properly at the weekends and then only if neither of us is doing anything else) and also because she will never meet the people / understand the situations I am talking about anyway - so its irrelevant. I feel hurt that she has chosen to live a life without me in it...am I being completely selfish and unreasonable? I know everyone has to make their own path in life. Is anyone in a similar situation? How do you cope with faraway siblings and elderly parents? I think I am turning into a bitter old aunt. Help.

Aww OP thats really sad and sweet, All your really saying is that you adore your sister and you really miss her in your life, its like you are mourning her loss and your feelings are completely justifiable, Also you are left with a lot of responsibility now that she has gone and i would feel a bit resentful if i was left as the main carer for my elderly parents too while she is off with a BF and a new baby, maybe you have to put a lot on hold to care for your parents do you?

I feel for you OP and i hope people do not treat you like your being selfish, Your defo no IMO.

LegacyUser

hi
thanks for the support and reassurance. i still dont really know how to cope e.g. the practicalities of getting parents to hospital appointments, the loneliness of not having compos mentis family around, the loss of fun and having a laugh. anyway i feel particularly low about it this week maybe it will pass

Lolaa

Your not selfish in the slighest. I suppose in a way you are kinda mourning for you sister lik someone else said.

I find that a lot of things are left up to the rest of the family to deal wit because they are so far away. I hate tellin them that there is something wrong at home because they are so far away - there is nothing that they can realy do. . .

It must be so hard on you having to look after your parents on your own. It must be so tough

LegacyUser

Hi op,i dont mean to be morbid or anything but you should count yourself so so lucky that you can just pick up the phone and speak to you sister,i lost my only sister a few years ago and to be honest i would give ANYTHING if she was only in Australia.I also have to deal with elderly parents on my own etc and i know how very hard it is on your own.

tbh

OP, you should sit down and write your sister a letter, telling her how great you think she is, how much you love her and how much you miss her. Don't make it a "I wish you were home" letter, make it a "It's hard to say this on the phone, but I wanted to say it" letter. I promise you, you'll feel much better afterwards. I also promise you, she'll keep the letter forever

buckieburd

Hi OP,

Im in the same boat as you. My sister went to Oz 8 yrs ago and married an Ozzy guy they came to live in Ireland for 7 years and they just went back to Oz a few months ago. we are very close so it was tough to say goodbye but I know she will have a better quality of life there. If you have a PC at home get a webcam and you can video call her on Skype, this is much better than talking on the phone, I HATE phone calls! But skype is good you can chat away whilst making tea and it's more relaxed and not as forced, and you'll actually get to see her!

In regards to parents mine are at home in the UK but still reasonably young and in good health but I do worry about what will happen in the future and I know I will probably have to go back home is either of them get ill.

LegacyUser

Same boat. I really understand how you feel. I felt like we only really got close about 2 years before she left. Went for a year, still there 5 years later. She'll never come home, and I'm happy for her because she's a happier person there. I see my cousins who all live in Dublin hanging out together and I would desperately like that, but it can't happen. I get very cross when she comes home because she spends 90% of the time with her best friend and I hardly see her. Sometimes I curse air-travel.

How do you cope? Skype, webcam all good. As is any msn or chat function. Never the same but at least it's something.

xx

LegacyUser

thanks all. to poster who lost your sister, i am so sorry. that sure puts my story in perspective. i will try and get more in touch with my sister through skype, and maybe write that letter tbh. thanks again, good to know i am not alone.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

hi
thanks for the support and reassurance. i still dont really know how to cope e.g. the practicalities of getting parents to hospital appointments, the loneliness of not having compos mentis family around, the loss of fun and having a laugh. anyway i feel particularly low about it this week maybe it will pass

Hi again Op,


I can really understand why you would be feeling low, this is a lot of responsibility on you my granny had alzimers she was like my mother and it was very hard to take care of her, I remember there was home help -are they still doing that, and a girl would come and bath my granny every day and sit with her, just for 3 hours, I just wonder if there are any resources for you out there,

But besides that i think it is very important for you to feel you are allowed to feel low about this it may come in bouts and you should not feel bad that times will feel like this, you cant be expected not to feel down about how you have now become responsible for your parents and you life has to be focused on them and not you. I can totally understand how you would miss your sister, the company, the similar age, the support,

I know the other poster mentioned that she had tragically lost her sister and i think you feel you have lost a part of your sister now she is gone but i dont think you should feel even more guilty that you are not seeing your sister enough, you seem to be making all the effot IMO and would see her more if she had the time but you cannot control how your sister has now chosen to live on the other side of the world, so dont feel bad that you are not doing enough, out of everyone you are holding the family together it seems.


All i can say is to be really good to yourself the times that you can, and to try and get as much support as you can, my gran did not want to go to a nursing home and we tried to look after her till the end but it got to the stage where we physically could not, she became incontinent and would leave the house on her own, eventually for her own safety we had to put her in a nursing home, we had then only regretted not doing it sooner because she really was much safer and had the utmost of care we actually were not trained to do,

Do you think they will eventually have to go into a home, are these real concerns for you, do you have any aunts and uncles/ relatives close by or who come and visit? Hope you dont mind me asking.

LegacyUser

Yeah my dads sisters live close by and they are a bit younger than my parents and are a great help (albeit they are a bit too interfering sometimes, but by and large its great to have them around and they take a load off). God knows whats down the track..again feel bad coz I AM able to look after them and keep the show on the road. Just feel a bit lonely for my sister is it in a nutshell.