Spanner in the works

LegacyUser

During Oxegen Saturday my GF of 5years got completely and utterly smashed off her face on vodka, so she was difficult to control to say the least not to mention the worst rain of the year ever!! It wasnt fun

She needed the loo so she asked me to stay put while she went, over an hour later there was no sign of her, I had no power in my phone so after enough waiting I had to get it charged in the charging station and wait another hour for it. Anyhoo, I get the phone back and as expected there's a million missed calls and panicked voice mails, I get through to her and tell her to meet me at the tent...all ok! Except a text from her sister (who was not at oxegen) which read 'ring your gf d1ckhead'.....*speechless*

Now i dont get on great with her sister but I never thought we got on badly either, I always spoke to her nicely but in that situation you just dont say that first, totally out of order. Anyway the GF was very very very sorry on Sunday both for her behavior and for her sisters text. A few hours later I get a text from the sister, which started ; 'Im sorry for calling you a d1ckhead...' - good start but then it took a turn ...'but I dont like you, you ruined my Saturday cos I was worried about my sister, so sorry for calling you a d1ckhead...dope.'

This was all after the GF had told her sister that everything was her own fault from start to finish, I could not be more innocent if I tried, her sis seemed like she was waiting for the slightest fault from me to pounce.

Now its all fine, Im not hurt by the remarks, I dont get offended by people I've no respect for but what Im hurt over is my GF's reaction. She totally abhors the comments and hates her sis for it but she hasnt done anything about it. Case in point is an incident that happened on a holiday with my family where a cousin of mine did a similar but much less offensive thing to my GF, I brought the wrath of me on that person and did not speak to her for 3 months until she made a blubbering apology, I laid out clear and decisive actions and my GF was very comforted by that.

All I can think of is the future, if shes not going to stand up for me now then what future do we have...I've been quiet on the matter as I want to give the GF the opportunity to sort things out without me having to tell her to but if I've to do that then its pointless and then if I say nothing at all and she lets this get brushed under the carpet then I think thats worse.


In my mind this relationship is tethering on a knife edge

Wagon

You're going out with your girlfriend, not her sister. So tell the stupid geebag to piss off and stay away from your relationship. You have a right to say that.

As for your girlfriend, some people can be pretty blind when it comes to family. So she might just want to brush this under the rug so as to avoid confrontation at home (which i think is stupid too but people can get like that when it comes to their family). Let your OH know that you don't want anything to do with her sister and would appreciate if she didn't contact you again calling you a dickhead.

On the other hand if nothing gets done by her and she still sees her sister through rose coloured glasses, then id say end it. Give it a bit of time before that but if things like this keep happening then you know where you stand.

Terodil

OP, I know what you mean and I can share your sentiment. I'd be worried about her priorities, too, however, I have the benefit of a little more distance, and maybe you haven't considered the following:

Do you know what your gf told her sister? I would be surprised that the sister texted you at all if your gf hadn't asked her to apologise. Now in your gf's shoes I wouldn't look over my sister's shoulder either while she typed the 'apologetic' text so maybe that turn-around comment was just out of spite (the sister doesn't sound pleasant, at all).

Maybe your gf acts more behind the scenes than you do, which may (usually) be more appropriate with her sister -- it was between her sister and you only, it wasn't public -- contrary to the incident at the party that you mentioned -- and your gf knows her sister much better than most anybody. (Obviously it wasn't appropriate because if it had worked, the sister wouldn't have come back with that out-of-line remark, but that isn't to say that she didn't try.) What I'm trying to say that your reaction was spot-on, but hers may have been too. You don't need a sledge hammer to hammer a nail into the wall.

Even so, if your doubts continue to nag at you, you may bring this up. I agree with you, unconditional support (as the counterpart to unconditional trust) in the relationship are an absolute must and the lack thereof a dealbreaker.

Don't give up on her though, she may be unused to such situations and may just have been as surprised/confused as you were, there were a number of circumstances that might have dulled her senses (being that drunk etc. and the consequences weren't pleasant for her either).

Explain to her why you felt hurt and how important this mutual support is for you.

Moomoo1

OP, I really cannot believe that you would want to end a relationship over something as insignificant as that.

do you not love that person?

Yeah, you stood up and acted the big strong man to your cousin some time ago - but maybe she isn't very happy doing that herself? Maybe she values her relationship with her sister? Maybe she doesn't want to cause a stir in the family?

Bottom line is, if someone calls you a d-head, you go talk to them, you cannot expect someone else to do the talking for you.

Terodil

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, I really cannot believe that you would want to end a relationship over something as insignificant as that.

It's not insignificant to him, the mere existence of this thread proves that. Besides, I agree with him, it's not insignificant at all. Trust and support in a relationship are paramount, if she really made a choice not to support him in such a small-fry situation, how could he trust her to make the right choice when it really mattered?

Moomoo1 wrote: »

do you not love that person?

Not the point, at all, see above.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Yeah, you stood up and acted the big strong man to your cousin some time ago - but maybe she isn't very happy doing that herself? Maybe she values her relationship with her sister? Maybe she doesn't want to cause a stir in the family?

So...

she isn't happy doing that herself --> so what if her bf feels hurt about it
she values her relationship with her sister --> more so than that with her bf?
she doesn't want to cause a stir --> so again, let's just brush it under the carpet, the bf should just grin and bear any abuse the family hurls at him?

Do you realise that the exact same pattern is frequently observed when it comes to domestic abuse?

Moomoo1 wrote: »

Bottom line is, if someone calls you a d-head, you go talk to them, you cannot expect someone else to do the talking for you.

Aye, I agree with this bit at least, but in a complex situation like the one here (always tread careful around people in the OH's family, for exactly the same reasons you quoted above -- she might care about her sister!), this needs to be done together.

Now again I've said my bit above about the various possible explanations, but if she really took decisions like the ones you described above, it would be a P45 straight away for me.

Lucyx

Hey OP

I can totally understand how you're feeling here.

My ex was very quiet and reserved whereas I am not and if I had an issue with anyone I'd always be very upfront about it and deal with it assertively (not agressively). But it did happen a couple of times when his brother was a little bit touchy feely towards me and I was waiting for my bf to address this and nip it in the bud but he just wasn't like that.

I knew I was going out with a quiet shy guy but then expected him to act all macho in certain situations which wouldn't have been his nature.

So my point to you is this - is your gf quite reserved and avoids confrontation at all costs esp with people who are close to her eg her family? I think the sister was a total wagon for texting you like that btw. The cheek of her. But eventhough you dealt with your cousin the way you did, I'm wondering does your gf need to process this situation in her own time and manner. And if this isn't something you can accept then you do need to rethink the relationship. But is it really worth it over this.......

Silverfish

What exactly do you want her to say / do to her sister?

Clarehobo

I am very much like you: protective and a bit confrontational, but not without a good reason.

I can see why you are annoyed/hurt, you wouldn't have posted here otherwise.

First of all, from the sister's point of view;
* Her sister rings her in hysterics
* She is hammered beyond belief and is totally lost
* You are the person meant to be taking care of her sister
* Oxegen can be scary at the best of times(look at the fella stabbed & all the arrests)
* So the sister is beyond worried
* She tries to ring you, you don't answer
* She takes it out on you via text because you aren't answering your phone
* Sobriety kicks in & your girlfriend sets her straight
* Her second text is her 'funny', albeit akward and idiotic, way of apologising to you without losing face

You and the GF have been together for five years so I presume you are pretty good at communicating your feelings.
If this text thing is so important to you, tell her how you are feeling.
She will have to deal with it in some way, either by acknowledging and dealing with this issue, or by totally dodging it.

You are not over-reacting: I do think you need to step back a bit from it and wait until you have given your girlfriend a chance to sort it out.