Racked with guilt after splitting up with girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Like many others I'm going unregistered on this!

Split up with girlfriend about 9 months ago - we had a place together and all, I'm footing the bill of the mortgage and covering any costs she has arising from it. We split up because I fell out of love with her - I have already met someone else and have fallen for her big time. I want to add that the new girlfriend was not the reason for us splitting up - falling out of love was the sole reason.

However... therein lies the problem! I know that my ex-girlfriend "put all her eggs in her basket" with me and I'm feeling awful that I am now happy and I know that she isn't.

I don't want to get back with her or anything like that - I just feel like sh1t that I have broken her heart. I would love to hear that she is going out with someone and is happy. I know she isn't and it makes me feel sick that she is at home on her own in the evenings. She was my best friend as well as my partner and I wish her nothing but well, I just feel awful that I have made someone feel so bad, someone that I loved. Splitting up with her was essential for me, it had to be done, and I hope that she will see that in time it was the right decision but the guilt of hurting her just won't go away and I'm finding it very hard to deal with especially when I have moments on my own.

I don't even know why I'm typing this here, I think I'm just hoping that in some way I will find this cathartic.

Karen_*

I know you feel awful but you did the right thing. You can't feel guilty about this forever because you've done nothing wrong. Break ups are hard, they are painful for both people. She's suffering and you're suffering too to a degree.

She's free now to meet someone who will love her to bits and who she'll be happy with. There is absolutely nothing you can do about how she's feeling now. I'm sure its awful for her that you've met someone else but actually that will help her to move on that bit quicker. If you think about it your ex meeting someone else is better than them choosing nothing over you.

You sound like a great guy and don't feel guilty about being happy. You sound like you deserve it.

Taltos

Karen_* wrote: »

I know you feel awful but you did the right thing. You can't feel guilty about this forever because you've done nothing wrong. Break ups are hard, they are painful for both people. She's suffering and you're suffering too to a degree.

She's free now to meet someone who will love her to bits and who she'll be happy with. There is absolutely nothing you can do about how she's feeling now. I'm sure its awful for her that you've met someone else but actually that will help her to move on that bit quicker. If you think about it your ex meeting someone else is better than them choosing nothing over you.

You sound like a great guy and don't feel guilty about being happy. You sound like you deserve it.

+1
Resist the temptation to try to do anything here to make her feel better.
I know it is tough - but any involvement from you could be easily miscontrued and would set her back further. Hopefully she has family / friends who can help - but I think this is one where you just have to move on and try to deal with this guilt or accept it.
As above - she will be much better off having the chance to meet someone who will love her back just as much as she can love them.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

We split up because I fell out of love with her - I have already met someone else and have fallen for her big time. I want to add that the new girlfriend was not the reason for us splitting up - falling out of love was the sole reason.

However... therein lies the problem! I know that my ex-girlfriend "put all her eggs in her basket" with me and I'm feeling awful that I am now happy and I know that she isn't.

I don't want to get back with her or anything like that - I just feel like sh1t that I have broken her heart. I would love to hear that she is going out with someone and is happy. I know she isn't and it makes me feel sick that she is at home on her own in the evenings. She was my best friend as well as my partner and I wish her nothing but well, I just feel awful that I have made someone feel so bad, someone that I loved. Splitting up with her was essential for me, it had to be done, and I hope that she will see that in time it was the right decision but the guilt of hurting her just won't go away and I'm finding it very hard to deal with especially when I have moments on my own.
QUOTE]


I dont know if my reply will be of any good to you but the shoe is on the other foot with me!!! I have split up from a serious relationship and he states the reason is that 'He fell out of love with me' too - now I am not saying that people dont fall in and out of love but I am saying that it seems a bit of a cop out. U say here that she was your best friend and partner and that you feel like **** that you broke her heart but why didn't you talk this through with her.....because now u r feeling guilty for hurting her and you are finding it hard to deal with when you have 'moments on your own'. I know nothing about you, but could this new girl be distracting you from what happened so you only feel guilty when you have time to think about it. For me dating at my age (37) and being in a relationship where you are living together is serious. She has committed herself to you (All her eggs in one basket as you put it (HELLO>>Would you have prefered she was with you half hearteadly while seeing someone else/other people so as to keep her options open????). You now seem to have fallen for someone on the rebound.... but thoughts of your ex still occupy your head when u haven't got the welcome distraction of a new love interest. How long will it take you to fall out of love with her....or are you another one of the alarming number of guys that falls out of love with the women that love you (and put all their eggs in one basket are are committed to you 100% and willing to take a risk with you)..... and then fall for the women that keep you guessing while treating you like **** in the process????

I would say pick up the phone or drive to her house...apologise for what you have put her through and have a decent honest discussion about how you feel and then listen to how she feels and why she is devestated about the breakup. You never know...you might learn something from it.... and she will thank you for being open honest and caring towards her. Dont hide behind a new relationship ..... they come and go but a true friend is hard to
find...

Sorry - probably venting a bit of my fustration here but no how will she even know u even cared unless you tell her you do. Surely u owe her that much!

Lucyx

Your post here is so interesting to me as I was dumped about 6 months ago now and it really left me in the sh1t. We were living together and I'd just been let go from work and I was depending on him for emotional support. I was really down and out and it still hurts to be honest.

I don't want any contact with him now because frankly he's doing much better than me and I don't want to know about it. I know he felt guilty about the whole thing and after a couple of months its like 'ok you left me but I don't want your pity or guilt anymore'.

So I think the best thing for you to do is concentrate on your own life and she'll get over you and find someone in her own time. Its been 9 months now and I bet she doesn't need your pity or guilt anymore. By now, I'm sure the worst is over for her and she's learnt not to 'put all her eggs in one basket' just like I have. She'll be fine.

LegacyUser

If it was'nt working for you, then you did the right thing breaking up with her. She deserves to be in a relationship where she is loved 100% which you can't give her. This way she has a chance of meeting somebody else who will. even if she does'nt that is not your fault. you have your own life to live.

you are in a new relationship, and are happier now then when you were with your ex. some people can move on so quick after a break up, that it comes across like they never cared at all about the person they once loved. it's like this you are sorry you hurt her, but not sorry you broke up with her. stop feeling guilty, you should not care what happens to your ex. only your new girlfriend. she is the important one now. your ex is your ex for a reason. what happens to her from now on is not your business or problem. you broke up with her but dont want to feel guilty about it, why do you feel quilty, why think about her at all. you broke up with her, she is no longer part of your life. so get on with you new girlfriend.