Heartbroken, but is it for the best?

LegacyUser

Apologies for the long post but I'm just in desperate need of others' opinions so I'm giving the whole story. I was with my first boyfrend for 5 years until the age of 20 when he dumped me for another girl. I was devastated and remained single for a year until I fell for my last boyfriend, who turned out to be my "someone better". He was 3 years younger than me but it was never, ever an issue. I fell head over heels for him, as he did for me (he did the chasing),and we were crazy in love.

The first year was fantastic,we laughed so much and had so many good times. We both made it clear we were in it for the long haul, forever, and that we felt we were meant to be. We were perfectly happy. I loved his family, they loved me and vice versa.

After the first year and a half or so, things changed and I still don't know how exactly. We both live at home which made "alone time" very difficult sometimes and he complained about that a lot. Although I tried to make the most of the chances we did get and pleasure him in other ways,as he did me, it never seemed to be enough. His personality started to change and he would fly off the handle for no reason. I remember saying to him quite early on that every time he shouted at me from then on i would pinch him. He said he had no outlet and that if he did he wouldn't get angry, so he took up football twice a week but that didn't change anything. The mood swings were still there and I increasingly felt like I was walking on eggshells around him. He blamed me for the lack of sex (we did do it just not very often),and complained that we were unexciting and boring.

I tried my best to change things and we planned a holiday for this summer, I suggested trips to the cinema,dinner,the zoo, football matches, anything you can think of, but he never really showed the same interest. I only met his friends a couple of times and in the last couple of months he started wanting to go out with them more, so I suggested we all go out together,with their girlfriends etc, but no. He went out with them alone.

In the last few months and weeks he made me cry a lot, whether he knew it or not, and became very cruel and cold towards me (at times, at other times he was still the same old loving him that I fell in love with). At different times he called me lazy, useless,a dog,stupid, a head-wrecker,told me to get out of his car that he didn't want me in it. One evening we were flicking the tv and when I said "do you want to watch this?",he said "no, I don't F*****G want to watch this!", so angrily that I couldn't even respond. Some of these incidents he apologised for,some he didn't. I became increasingly upset but I never told anyone.

7 weeks ago I broke down and told him I felt like I was losing him and that there was nothing I could do to stop it from happening. It turned out I was right and he ended it,after 2 years. He said he wanted different things and that he wanted to be alone, that he didn't want anyone else but just to be alone and be free to do what he wanted before committing himself to anyone. He was upset as we were talking,as was I, and we agreed to remain friends.

Over the next few weeks I fell to pieces and got very depressed. I am still completely devastated and I never stop thinking about him. We were in contact a couple of times over those few weeks, to see how each other was, etc. Above all else we were best friends and there was no bad feeling on either part. We still loved each other but he wanted time alone,so I told him that's what I was giving him.

There was no contact for a couple of weeks, then I found out he had gotten some bad news,which I knew he was worried about happening, and so I texted him to say I was sorry to hear it. he never replied and I haven't heard anything since, that was 2 weeks ago. I don't want to text him again because if he ignores me it would break my heart all over again and I'm not sure I could handle it. Although I am tempted to, I haven't. I do think about him and about what went wrong,all day every day,I miss him terribly and,although he said he wanted to be alone, the thought of him with anyone else makes me sick to my stomach and I start shaking.

however, I'm beginning to ask myself if I'm better off without him,considering how he treated me and that he doesn't seem to care anymore.I keep thinking to myself, "he changed, he was a pig, forget about him and let him do what he wants", but anyone who's been in this position will know how extremely hard and painful it is to wake up every morning and remember that the love of your life is gone.

I'm just looking for people's opinions based on what I've told you, is it normal for boyfrinds to treat and talk to their girlfrinds the way he did?(my first boyfriend never did). Am i better off without him? Will I ever get over it and stop crying myself to sleep every night? I suffer from very low self confidence and to be honest now I'm 10 times worse and I just can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. I'd take him back in a heartbeat. Please give me some advice!

Karen_*

Loads of people start of madly in love and after time one persons feelings change. Thats not because the other person becomes less wonderful or loveable its because feelings just change. I think that happens because although you'd good times you weren't right for each other.

Sometimes when one persons feelings change and they want the relationship to end they haven't got the guts to end it so they try to wear the other person down with bad behaviour hoping that they will do the dirty work for them. I think thats whats happened here.

So as for you being better off without him well you ARE because you don't want to be with someone who tries to break someone down because they haven't the guts to just say something out straight. You don't want to be with someone that selfish and spineless. You are better off without the selfish and spineless and there's no question about that.

Yes you will stop crying but its normal at the moment because this is all very hurtful and hard to make sense of and grieving is a part of breaking up. And like everything else in life it will change and it will pass. Happiness comes and goes and so does sadness.

You haven't become less loveable because someone fell out of love with you. You haven't become a bad person just because someone treated you badly. Don't take any of this as you being less than. I've seen women having break ups where the guy just didn't want to be with them. And they went on to meet someone worth a million of that guy who DID want them. Which guys opinion was more important?

You WILL be ok but will just take a little time. Be good to you.

LegacyUser

Karen_* wrote: »

Sometimes when one persons feelings change and they want the relationship to end they haven't got the guts to end it so they try to wear the other person down with bad behaviour hoping that they will do the dirty work for them. I think thats whats happened here.

Yep..this happened to me a while back...gf had obviously 'gone off me' for ages..became distant and nasty...me being in love didnt recognise it...ened up splitting up...I was devastated..but have fully recovered and thank god now that Im not with her..we were actually so so wrong for each other..

have now found myself a lovely new gf and am as happy as can be...all things happen for a reason..look to the future...not the past..prepare yourself for the wonderful guy that is just around the corner :-)

marthaclark

I've been in a similar position and I think you should try to move on.

There are a million different reasons why someone might want to be single again, and they don't have to reflect badly on you. This isn't your fault. If the relationship wasn't working, or it wasn't right, I'm sure you did your best.

Relationships can take over a person's world, especially when they start out intense like yours seems to have.

Maybe he's done you a favour.

LegacyUser

It sounds like the guy had lost interest in the relationship long before he actually had the guts to break up with you. Simply put, you're better off without him.

heartbroken888 wrote: »

Is it normal for boyfrinds to treat and talk to their girlfrinds the way he did?(my first boyfriend never did).

No, it isn't. Most people wouldn't put up with it.

LegacyUser

OP I feel for you I really do. And I know exactly how it feels. You could have described my relationship there and it ended the same way. Except I think I may have put up with it for alot longer, he is still trying to meet up with me but says he cannot get back together.

I think maybe your ex just wanted to be single and not responsible for anyone. He loves you but wants to be on his own. You cannot change peoples minds for them. He is prob finding it as hard as you but doesnt want to contact you as he wants to move on.

You got over your ex before him so you know you can do it.

It is horrible though, there is nothing you can do but go through it. Last night I felt so bad I was pacing the apartment. Didnt have the concentration to watch tv even. Had to turn it off, turn music on, do the dishes, have a long shower, read like two pages of a book threw it down then went for a walk with my ipod blaring (angry walking!)! I felt so low. But I was like feck it I am not crying again today. He is not at home crying.

Try and look after yourself and do things you like doing, and when you have a bad moment or day just know that it passes.

xx