I Kissed A Girl!

LegacyUser

Well yes, I did kiss a girl, however that does not concern me been a straight guy. Slightly more concerning is, that my GF has..

Well, okay, to explain. The fact she kissed a girl, im pretty cool with! Seems to be fairly normal these days. Only one problem. After finding she had a kissed a girl once, a few days ago when she was drunk it came up and she let slip it was "sometime" during our relationship. Or to be more exact when we were going out. I can not say when or where, or with whom as she refuses to give more details.

Which is the crux of the problem really; I only know a few sketchy details. It was not full on, or so im told, but then what did it involve?! As she claims she has only ever kissed one other girl, but I know she has kissed other girls on the lips. So...murky waters much?!

Without any more details, except for the re-assuring old adage "it meant nothing" and it did not count as cheating [..in her books that is..], I can not say I am reassured much.

When? Who? Where? Why?

The questions above seem fair enough all things considered. Or am I wrong to have doubts? The fact that she refuses to be drawn out on the subject and all the sketchy details have me annoyed tbh.

Seems like double standards to me, as I doubt I can snog lesbians for the hell of it and not tell, hell doubt I could kiss a guy either [not that I want to, but you get my jist!].

prinz

She kissed someone else while in a relationship......... irrelevant whether it was a boy or a girl. P45 time in my book.

hobochris

prinz wrote: »

She kissed someone else while in a relationship......... irrelevant whether it was a boy or a girl. P45 time in my book.

+1.

Many women(well girls who are almost women) seem to be under the impression that kissing someone of the same sex isn't cheating, it is!

I doubt it would be Ok with her if you kissed a guy.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

kittenkiller

Being with someone else while you're in a relationship is cheating.
I don't see why it wouldn't be!

There shouldn't be too many questions that need to be asked before she gets the boot tbh.

Best of luck OP.

cowzerp

Well she was either getting off on it or trying to turn some lads on doing it, i would not be too happy about either scenario..

LegacyUser

Katy Perry has a lot to answer for. It is as if it is fashionable to be a lipstick lesbian. It is still cheating. If she thinks that is ok then what else is she doing?

I hate things like this, women making fools of themselves and ruining their relationships for the sake of a 2 minute snog to get 'the lads' going

JamesAlex

prinz wrote: »

She kissed someone else while in a relationship......... irrelevant whether it was a boy or a girl. P45 time in my book.

typical

JamesAlex

dude, it was probably a drunken thing, nothing to worry about. She is hardly gay from a kiss. Poster like prinz have already broken up one relationship this week so i would advice ignoring them. If you are worried ask her to give you all the details about the kiss. Its not cheating at all, its just harmless fun

JameAlex you do realise that if you don't agree with something you said here, you don't necessarily need to comment. Especially when it is unhelpful to the OP. Then it's in breach of forum charter.

OP, she kissed a girl. Regardless of gender that is still cheating. However it is not necessarily dumping material, you still have a right for her to come clean about it. If she fails to come clean about something so menial, then there are certain worrying issues.

JamesAlex

Deleted User wrote: »

OP, she kissed a girl. Regardless of gender that is still cheating. However it is not necessarily dumping material, you still have a right for her to come clean about it. If she fails to come clean about something so menial, then there are certain worrying issues.

a few days ago when she was drunk it came up and she let slip it was "sometime" during our relationship

she has told him all he needs to know. Its so not a big deal OP, if you were there you would have loved it

JamesAlex

JamesAlex wrote: »

she has told him all he needs to know. Its so not a big deal OP, if you were there you would have loved it

Not all guys like the thought of their girlfriend's kissing other girls, as much as that shocks you.

She could be a lot more accurate as she probably fully remembers. But to be fair, we have both expressed our opinions here on this thread and that should be the end of it. If you want to discuss it further you're more than welcome to PM me.

prinz

JamesAlex wrote: »

Poster like prinz have already broken up one relationship this week so i would advice ignoring them.

Sorry Mods, probably get a ban for this but wtf? Do you really want me to link the thread where you advised a guy to dump his gf because he didn't like her new haircut? Your idea of 'harmless fun' also extended to distribution of child pornography so I'd be careful James.

Xiney

James Alex, I've had just about enough of you and I think you need to take a break from the forum. 1 week.

prinz, you've brought things in from other threads too often in the past day so I'm giving you a little imposed vacation as well, especially since you're no stranger to bans from this forum and you should know better by now. 1 month.

tbh

I'd ignore the fact that it was a girl to be honest with you man. If my missus told me that she'd snogged a guy/girl on a drunken night out, and told me (and I believed) that she was sorry and it wouldn't happen again, then I wouldn't break up a relationship over it. But if you feel like you can't trust her anymore, the relationship is over anyway. It's a tough call, but the fact that it was girl/girl is irrelevant imo.

LegacyUser

Hey, i have been/am in this girls position,, new years eve, me, my bf, and a few friends were out clubbing and as my friend was single for the 1st time on new years, I ended up kissing her, more so as a bit of fun and to cheer her up (i also sent her a valentines card and baloons to her work place on valentines day as i knew she'd be pretty down about this being her 1st valentines day single too) .. my bf did not see us kissing and i never mentioned it as i did not view it as a big deal, however if he ever was to ask i would admit to it as i would never hide anything from him,, but tbh - this girl is my best friend for years and it was nothing serious, we have no interest in each other in that way, and it will never happen again, it was just she was a bit down in herself... i would never "cheat" on my bf as i love him very much and maybe im being naieve but i never viewed this as cheating,, however now that i see how you feel im kind of questioning myself.... its like when i was arguing with my bf once and i was fairly upset and felt like crap, my friend bought me new underwear (it was just her way of making me feel better)... if it was one of her friends it could be innocent, just explain that you dont feel comfortable about her acting in that way (i know i certainly wont ever do it again after reading this post) but maybe like me she just thought nothing of it,,, im sure she didnt want you to feel bad and that she loves you very much,,,

Cassidy1

JamesAlex wrote: »

dude, it was probably a drunken thing, nothing to worry about. She is hardly gay from a kiss. Poster like prinz have already broken up one relationship this week so i would advice ignoring them. If you are worried ask her to give you all the details about the kiss. Its not cheating at all, its just harmless fun

Ya i completely agree. I did the same thing once trying to get rid of a really nasty fella, it was the only way to get rid of him and it was a laugh!!!:D

kittenkiller

tbh wrote: »

I'd ignore the fact that it was a girl to be honest with you man. If my missus told me that she'd snogged a guy/girl on a drunken night out, and told me (and I believed) that she was sorry and it wouldn't happen again, then I wouldn't break up a relationship over it. But if you feel like you can't trust her anymore, the relationship is over anyway. It's a tough call, but the fact that it was girl/girl is irrelevant imo.

I agree, but the gf isn't saying sorry, just that he should relax about it and won't give him any details about anything, which makes it seem like she's chuffed she did it and he was completely irrelevant to the whole thing.
She's not behaving like she has any remorse, which totally disrespects the OP.

Imagine: "I was in a threesome this weekend. But it's not cheating because I was only with the girl and didn't go near the guy!"
It sounds ridiculous, but it has the same basis as the gf's argument.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies so far, just a few details to clarify.

I have asked for the details, multiple times. No budge, she does not "kiss and tell" as she joked. She does remember the details, and that is pretty much all I know except for that the other person was going through a "lesbian phase".

Key factors for me, is the sketchy details and refusal to give any more, along with the fact ive only found out now while she was drunk.

If it was just a kiss on the lips, I can live with it as long as I know the details and it is not a common occurrence. **** happens. But the lack of details seems to indicate to me there is something to worry about and something is been hidden from me. It is not on.

Perhaps it was full on, and she knows now I would not take that well due to my initial reaction, and if I knew who and where I could ask them...?

tbh

un-reg wrote: »

I have asked for the details, multiple times. No budge, she does not "kiss and tell" as she joked.

if she's not doing everything she can to reassure you, dump her.

lolli

un-reg wrote: »

I have asked for the details, multiple times. No budge, she does not "kiss and tell" as she joked. She does remember the details, and that is pretty much all I know except for that the other person was going through a "lesbian phase".

Op,

to be perfectly honest with an attitude like that she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. She has told you shes kissing other people but won't tell you how often or how serious it was. From my opinion she seems to have no respect for you, your feelings or your relationship. Don't you think you deserve better than that? How long will it be until shes sleeping with other girls?

Taltos

I'm 100% with lolli & tbh on this...

OK - she kissed another girl - and it is great that she thought she could tell you - confess.
But - does she really expect that now you do not deserve to hear the rest of it?

So, lets get this straight - she drunkenly kisses a girl - tells you and then tells you to mind your own business?

Man - this is not the behaviour of someone in a committed relationship. Accidents happen, but if it is really an accident - why hide the details...
Is she getting off somehow on holding this over you or is it some f**d up test?

Look at it this way - how would you feel if she admitted to kissing another bloke but then refused to tell you more?

Time for the road me-thinks - clearly you are not enough of a priority in her life to a) respect your relationship & b) come clean.

LegacyUser

lolli wrote: »

Op,

to be perfectly honest with an attitude like that she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. She has told you shes kissing other people but won't tell you how often or how serious it was. From my opinion she seems to have no respect for you, your feelings or your relationship. Don't you think you deserve better than that? How long will it be until shes sleeping with other girls?

I agree with the poster here; the general jist im getting from her attitute towards all this is she seems to have little or no respect for your relationship, and is coming across as extremely childish. And to say that she laughts it off as 'i dont kiss and tell' is a fcukin joke IMO, when all you need is some words from her to regain your trust.

Im not advising do or dont dump here either way, god knows these threads get enough of that as it is. But I would remind her its a sackable offence, as i have done in a previous relationship and that was only from a conversation on the topic!

Jessica xxx

Hey there, im 24 and in a relationship with my bf for the last 3 years.
Id go out with the girls a good bit with and without him at the weekends, nearly everytime i go out with the girls we all end up kissing each other. :eek:

I have snogged most (nearly all) of my female friends and thought nothing of it.... and there all the same too and they all have boyfriends...

My boyfriend knows that i do it and i tell him if i do (sure he sees the pics on my camara). Never the less he dosent agree with it or like it but he wouldnt break up with me over it cos he knows were all just having the crack and messing around and that it wouldnt go any further.. Thats all it is, its just funny.... like none of us are lesbiens, if we or any of us were though that would be a different story cos wrong signals could be sent.

Everyone is different and feels differently about this kind of situation.... but i just feel if it 'ment nothing' or was 'no big deal' to her then she should just tell you about it.
Maybe shes keeping quiet cos she dose not want you confronting the other party involved??...

Personally i dont see it as cheating at all, i think it means more when its with the opposite sex.
So i wouldnt worry about it to much honestly..

Taltos

Jessica xxx wrote: »

My boyfriend knows that i do it and i tell him if i do (sure he sees the pics on my camara).

But - you see here is the difference - this guy does not know the whole truth - if it is really all in jest with no-one being led on why is she saying none of his businessness?
On another note - your OH is clearly a gem I too would be of his mindset - but unlike him I would prob call it a day if this behaviour was to continue, but hey we are all different.

Nettie

Maybe the reason she won't tell you any farther details is 'cause the girl in question is someone you know. Just a thought.

If I was her I know I'd be more reluctant to tell if my BF if he knew the girl. I probably would tell if it was just some randomer while drunk or something (Even though I don't drink).

lolli

Jessica xxx wrote: »

Hey there, im 24 and in a relationship with my bf for the last 3 years.
Id go out with the girls a good bit with and without him at the weekends, nearly everytime i go out with the girls we all end up kissing each other. :eek:

I have snogged most (nearly all) of my female friends and thought nothing of it.... and there all the same too and they all have boyfriends...

My boyfriend knows that i do it and i tell him if i do (sure he sees the pics on my camara). Never the less he dosent agree with it or like it but he wouldnt break up with me over it cos he knows were all just having the crack and messing around and that it wouldnt go any further.. Thats all it is, its just funny.... like none of us are lesbiens, if we or any of us were though that would be a different story cos wrong signals could be sent.

Everyone is different and feels differently about this kind of situation.... but i just feel if it 'ment nothing' or was 'no big deal' to her then she should just tell you about it.
Maybe shes keeping quiet cos she dose not want you confronting the other party involved??...

Personally i dont see it as cheating at all, i think it means more when its with the opposite sex.
So i wouldnt worry about it to much honestly..

That maybe your situation but your boyfriend knows whats going on. This guy is clueless about who his gf is kissing and how often. She has no right to do these things behind his back... it disrespects their relationship. If your boyfriend is ok about it then fair play to him but the op is obviously not ok about the whole thing.

marthaclark

I think you want to trust her, and that's great, but can you really trust her if she's going to kiss other people and be vague and closed about it?

I don't think the gender of the person she kissed matters.

Even if it was a lipstick lesbian thing, it's still not automatically alright.

Either she

a) enjoyed it and was attracted to the person (i.e., cheated)

or

b) enjoyed the "risque" aspect of doing it (and resulting male attention)

I am trying hard not to be judgemental here. I think there's a difference between an affectionate smooch and a sexual kiss. I have male friends I kiss on the lips as a jokey smooch thing but if I thought for a second that my boyfriend was uncomfortable with that I would try my best to reassure him and find other ways to express my affection with my friends.

un-reg wrote: »

the other person was going through a "lesbian phase".

those are some serious alarm bells that I'm hearing.

Jessica xxx

Yeah i think she is deing a bit of a cow by saying its none of your business, :mad: thats not nice at all and i wouldnt do that to my BF, id just tell him, laughing, and say it was just a bit of messing hun.... hes usually ok with that, hed be a bit pissed for a while then hed 4get about it!!! And the fact that she is saying none of your business makes you more curious as to whats she's hiding....

I really think she just dosnt want you to know who it was in case u know them or confront them behind her back and trouble arises for anyone involved??.... something along the lines of that..??

At the end of the day a relationship is about trust and being open with each other, by the sounds of things.... you seem more annoyed at the fact she's hiding something more so than what she auctually did??

Jessica xxx

lolli wrote: »

That maybe your situation but your boyfriend knows whats going on. This guy is clueless about who his gf is kissing and how often. She has no right to do these things behind his back... it disrespects their relationship. If your boyfriend is ok about it then fair play to him but the op is obviously not ok about the whole thing.

Yes of course, i agree with you completly, in order for him to decide whether hes cool with or not he needs to know the fell story first.
Id say she has her own reasons for keeping quiet, its just a case of finding them out....
Maybe he could ask one or two of her friends that might have been there and see if any of them know anything...??

LegacyUser

yes posted here already, saying i was in the same/similar situation with your G/F but difference is i have never told my bf cause as i said it was harmless fun, however if he asked i would say with who, when, where.. if he found this behaviour wrong i would defn do all in my power to reassure him it would never happen again and that i viewed it as being a bit of fun, but i could see how it could hurt him... if you could find out from one of her friends it would be a start however if it gets back to her that uve been snooping ive no doubt that it will open a whole new can of worms for the two of you,, i would ask her directly, when both of you are alone and wont be disturbed, just say that its really annoying you, and at least if you knew what happened it would give you peace of mind, (make sure to be calm when asking - going on offensive will get you nowhere) if she tells you everything - you are going to have to react calmly about it, (i think you really like her and dont want to ruin your relationship over this) tell her that you dont approve of this and dont want it to happen again i.e put herself in your shoes,,,,, if she agrees then in my eyes problem solved,,, however if she again reacts with the whole "dont kiss and tell" speach she seems to only want to wreck your head,

LegacyUser

Jessica xxx wrote: »

At the end of the day a relationship is about trust and being open with each other, by the sounds of things.... you seem more annoyed at the fact she's hiding something more so than what she actually did??

Something like that, yes. If I knew all the details I could make up my own mind on it all. The fact she is withholding info and I am only finding out now, seems, well, very wrong. She does not consider it a big deal, at all. Or so, im told by her.

As for why she is not spilling the beans, I don't have a clue. She tells me allot of stuff, so why go murky on the details now..? Unless she is trying to hide something that she knows I will really dislike? I know enough things about her friends, so what is one more story I can not repeat around.

The info that the other girl was going through a "lesbian phase" and that it was only a kiss on the lips, seems contradictive? I mean, she has kissed other girls on the lips in the peckish way, but she tells me she has only kissed one girl ever..so what was the difference here?

I do not think asking her friends would be a good idea. I do not know where pushing the matter further with her will go either. I do not want to blow it out of proportion. But, truthfully, why should I fully trust her now?

Wagon

un-reg wrote: »

But, truthfully, why should I fully trust her now?

Can't blame you if you don't. some birds often go from this scoring their female friends and saying it "meant nothing", to scoring one of her ghey male friends who was going "through a straight phase" and that it still "means nothing". What puts me off is the sheer immaturity of it all and that's the thing that I'd be running from.

ragg

Dude, the people telling you it serious cheating and you should break up aren't doing you any favours.

uberwolf

un-reg wrote: »

But, truthfully, why should I fully trust her now?

She accidentally let slip to you that she's interacted sexually with someone outside the boundaries of your relationship.

She did it, she hid it, and now she won't talk it through.

3 reasons not to trust her IMO.

Bottle_of_Smoke

un-reg wrote: »

Thanks for the replies so far, just a few details to clarify.

I have asked for the details, multiple times. No budge, she does not "kiss and tell" as she joked. She does remember the details, and that is pretty much all I know except for that the other person was going through a "lesbian phase".

Key factors for me, is the sketchy details and refusal to give any more, along with the fact ive only found out now while she was drunk.

If it was just a kiss on the lips, I can live with it as long as I know the details and it is not a common occurrence. **** happens. But the lack of details seems to indicate to me there is something to worry about and something is been hidden from me. It is not on.

Perhaps it was full on, and she knows now I would not take that well due to my initial reaction, and if I knew who and where I could ask them...?

I'd let it pass but let her know its not on in future.

A lot of people are saying to finish over it but I think that's silly. Its a greyish area and I think most people know it simply isn't the same as kissing a guy.

Perhaps she can't give you details because the girl isn't out.

If she does it again perhaps look to end it. For now just lay some ground rules.

Fluorescence

What worries me is that it sounds like she wasn't even going to tell you in the 1st place - you say it was a drunken slip of the tongue that informed you. Now she's refusing to offer up more information about it. Surely she'd want to reassure you?

Whether a kiss is or isn't cheating is an opinion you'll have to come to on your own. I have my own opinions on this but shall keep them to myself for now.

The decision you need to make now is whether or not this lack of trust and open communication merits keeping your relationship alive. How long are you with this girl? Have you had any suspicions or reasons to distrust her in the past? Have you told her your concerns that she hasn't divulged more information?

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

It depends on you and how threatened and fragile your ego is.

I find it depressing how many incredibly prudish and repressed replies pop up in these threads every single time anyone does something less than perfect. This knee jerk "drop them" response typifies it, and puts no value whatsoever on relationship and turns them into some kind of game show performance where the partner pulls an ejection button anytime the other person fails to live up to their perfect standards.

Firstly you didn't say how long your relationship has been going on. Secondly you seem to have gotten her back up up by the way you approached her about it.

If you cannot get over your GF of presumably a very short time doing something experimental, possibly while she was drunk, then I think you need to go and find someone more boring and reliable. Clearly you don't actually like her very much if you cannot even get over such a thing.

cabrwab

Hi op,
Im not saying dump her, but you do need to find out facts, but this is a double edged sword, you don't want to push her away.
However you need to let her know your not seeing the funny side!
Would she be so happy if you said "I won't kiss and tell" after a drunken fumble with a female friend?

I don't know how i'd feel if my gf dropped this bomb, id be more annoyed nothing was said to me and the only reason i found out was because she was drunk and forgot i was there.

Best of luck op, make your decisions on your own, there is some good posts here.

LegacyUser

fluorescence wrote: »

How long are you with this girl? Have you had any suspicions or reasons to distrust her in the past? Have you told her your concerns that she hasn't divulged more information?

Just under a year. Nope, never had any trust issues before. Lots of space in the relationship as well for going out alone with friends on nights out and so forth. Other people have even thought at times one or two of her male friends were her BF as they hung out alone. So id say im pretty relaxed and trusting. A 24/7 relationship was never my cup of Tea.

Not really to the last question, a bit yes, but after five minutes I decided to drop it and move on at the time. Was not really the time or place if you get my jist and I was not making headway at the time anyways.

If, as she says, it was just a small kiss. Then I can move on with only a minor warning. I trust her, for some dam reason, I do not even feel overly hurt at the moment.

BUT.

With the circumstances I found out, the murky details and not a full disclosure, I have a lingering doubt for the first time. My heart says to trust her, my head says why have blind faith and not inquire further? Maybe to move on, would be just intentionally burying my head in the sand? Maybe, just maybe, she does not respect me as much as I do her? Or would pushing for the full story drive her away needless and just show a lack of trust?!

I do not have perspective, and I know it!