I'm 19, He's 26, What is this?

LegacyUser

I met this guy, he's 26 and i'm 19. The night I met him I went back to his place and stayed the night. Since then I've met him out a few more times and every time I've gone back to his place. Here's my problem - I'm falling for him big time!

I get the impression off him though that all we are is "fcuk buddies". I brought up the convo of relationships last week in convo and he quickly went "relationships don't work!!".

I'm really confused now cuz I really do like him and it's been about 2 months now that we've been seeing each other and I dunno where it's going. I'm not the type of girl that would just go back with any lad after a night out and I certainly don't want to be used or to be someone's "fcuk buddy".

Can any lad out there tell me what you make of this or can you associate with him? And and ladies who've been in a similar situation as myself that can shed some light for me

Cheers.

Otis Driftwood

Hi OP.It does sound like you are in FB territory with this guy.If you want a relationship to develop then you have to stop sleeping with him and tell him how you feel.If he says he doesnt want a relationship then you need to put a stop to things before you get too head over heels with him.

seamus

He's going out with his mates and saying, "I'm banging this smoking 19 year old", and that's all you are to him, from what I can tell.

If you want a relationship with him, you need to do two things:

1. Tell him
2. Stop sleeping with him until/unless it becomes a relationship.

If he tells you that he doesn't want anything more than a fnck buddy, them walk away or it's going to hurt you a hell of a lot more in a few months' time.

meboloxitis

He is just using you & sounds to me like it will all in in tears (yours)
One night stands never normally materialize into relationships though I have been wrong before!

Head for the hills OP.

Run.............

Miss Fluff

Second both posts above, spot on. May I also add that I think it is very difficult to go from FB territory into relationship territory as well when he has clearly stated that he doesn't want a relationship. It's now up to you whether you are content remaining his FB. Word of warning though, don't continue in the hope that he will have a change of heart and suddenly want you to be his GF and realise he has feelings for you - it won't happen.:(

If you like him stop sleeping with him and tell him you want him to bring you out on dates etc. If he likes you in any way other than being his FB, he will.

biko

Unfortunately it seems (from the post) he's just using you for sex. That way he cut you off about the relationships thing points that way.

Start to do things during the evening/day that doesn't involve drink or sex.

Novella

You are never going to know what exactly this guy wants until the two of you sit down together and talk. Basically about two years ago, I met a guy I REALLY liked and fell into the same situation as you are now in with this guy. He told me he wanted to keep it casual etc so we did, seeing other people and all that. However, he constantly texted me just to chat and we did things like going to the cinema and hanging out in general. I fell for him BIG TIME but never told him 'cause I was convinced he only wanted sex. Do you and himself actually do things other than meet for sex? As in, does he only contact you when he wants some? If so, that's a bad sign. If, however, you've been going out and things he might actually like you.
In the end, last week I was really upset one night and ended up spilling my guts out to this guy, telling him I'm crazy about him and he was like "WHY DIDN'T YOU EVER TELL ME? I ALWAYS LIKED YOU TOO!". It turns out that I mentioned something to this guy at the very start about his age (he's a bit younger than me) so he thought I wasn't interested which is why he acted uninterested! Maybe you have done the same and now this guy is just building walls. TALK TO HIM! Oh, and good luck

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If you like him stop sleeping with him and tell him you want him to bring you out on dates etc. If he likes you in any way other than being his FB, he will.

Well he did ask me out on a date once and he has suggested going down the country for a night and a spa. He really is a lovely decent bloke and each time I've gone out to his he's given me money for a taxi, and I've never once had to pay for drink or food or anything, he immediately pays it all himself! However he's extremely self assured and I've seen him chat up girls in the club while I've been there. It's really stressing me out cuz all my past relationships have all been about guys using me and me just been too stupid to cop on to the fact that that's all they're doing

I'm afraid to ask him about a relationship for fear he'll go all weird on me and never text me again. Surely that would be a worse situation? I sound so vulnerable I know

LegacyUser

And sorry one last detail, about 2 weeks ago I said to him during the night when we were talking "Listen are we just fcuk buddies?" and he replied "I dunno love, would you like us to be?" and I said "no" and he goes "well do you wana go to the cinema sometime?".

Does that make any difference to the relationship or is he just trying to fool me into believeing we might be something so as he can still get "his bit" at the end of the night?

LegacyUser

Sounds like he was trying to move things forward also by those last comments. Talk to him again. Good Luck!

Astrogeek

So ye are doing more than just meeting up to have sex?

I have been in the same situation sort of situation you are in for the past three years.
Sometimes people really honestly aren't ready or willing to be in a commited relationship. But a lot of the time it's a line used to fool another person into having sex without a commitment.

If he will not, for whatever reason, enter a commited relationship, you need to decide what exactly you want and need from a relationship. Are you ok with him sleeping with other women? Are you ok with him flirting with other women? What do you need from him to feel happy and secure?

If you want a commited relationship, you do have to stop sleeping with him, he needs to decide if he wants you as a friend or a girlfriend. Don't settle for something in the middle if that is not what you want.

DO NOT fool yourself into thinking you can change his mind about relationships by being "the perfect girlfriend" or "loving him enough". Believe that and you WILL get hurt.

Best of luck.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

And sorry one last detail, about 2 weeks ago I said to him during the night when we were talking "Listen are we just fcuk buddies?" and he replied "I dunno love, would you like us to be?" and I said "no" and he goes "well do you wana go to the cinema sometime?".

Does that make any difference to the relationship or is he just trying to fool me into believeing we might be something so as he can still get "his bit" at the end of the night?

Maybe it's a generational thing - I'm a bit older than you guys - but I don't buy into the instant labeling thing of assigning this FB label.

What has happened here, in my opinion, is two young people who have shared an intensely physical response to each other and who have been so taken up with this physical side, they have neglected any real kind of real-life relationship. It is far from unusual or uncommon.

I don't believe it is either of your fault, OP. Modern life is busy, passion is intense and sometimes things just get complicated before we are ready to deal with them.

As some have said before I suggest that you need to dial back on the passion and get some real relationship going here. It seems to me that he has been equally neglectful, and quite possibly equally confused, and is keen to make a move in the right direction. Being 26 is not a key to the wisdom cupboard. He is still learning too.

So get out there are start socialising and talking and going places and meeting other people together - and see what happens

There is no guarantee it will work, but life doesn't carry a guarantee and the pleasures are in the risks we take.

All the best !

Liam Byrne

I find this strange to say, but I agree with VaioCruiser.

You can't say after 4 or 5 meet-ups whether something will develop into a relationship, and if you (general "you", not directed specifically at the OP) push it by saying that you want a "committed relationship", then you might push someone away and never know.

Also, when someone says that they "want a relationship" without getting to know someone properly to figure out if they "want a relationship with them", then it's off-putting too.

I've often said similar to the above in order to have a rough ballpark or starting point knowing that no-one will get hurt / no-one's getting "used", only to find that it does start to develop, etc.

Just because someone says they want it, doesn't make it happen.
Just because someone says they don't want it, doesn't mean it won't.

And while caution is always advisable, the post above about the cinema does imply there's potential there.

So enjoy what IS there, make the most of it, and best of luck!

Dazzler88

Unregistered wrote: »

Can any lad out there tell me what you make of this or can you associate with him?

i hate to be the bearer of bad news but more than likely this guy sees you as a fcuk buddy,it was a big mistake goin home with him on the first night.Im a fella and any girls i get off with on the first night im never interseted afterwards.This because fellas love the thrill of the chase and also if a girl goes home with you on the first night you cant help thinking how many others fellas does she go home with.I dont mean to offend but big mistake,get rid of this lad and learn the lesson from it.

LegacyUser

Liam Byrne wrote: »

I
Just because someone says they want it, doesn't make it happen.
Just because someone says they don't want it, doesn't mean it won't

So are you saying to stay with him and give it more time til we get to know one another more and there might be a possibility of a relationship?

Dazzler88 wrote: »

i hate to be the bearer of bad news but more than likely this guy sees you as a fcuk buddy,it was a big mistake goin home with him on the first night.Im a fella and any girls i get off with on the first night im never interseted afterwards.This because fellas love the thrill of the chase and also if a girl goes home with you on the first night you cant help thinking how many others fellas does she go home with.I dont mean to offend but big mistake,get rid of this lad and learn the lesson from it.

I was afraid of this. Maybe I could say to him "I feel bad for having hooked up with you the night we met and for the record I've never done that" or would that be off putting? I'm a bit uncomfortable at times when we're having sex cuz I don't want to come across as slutty. Is that common enough or is that a bit prudish?

rallye

I was in a very similar situation to this, same age as your guy and the girl was the same age as you.

We were "meeting" for about 3 months before she just asked me "whats going on"

Heres the problem though, i was crazy about this girl but didnt fully realize it till we broke up after a year. All the time prior to this i didnt really take the relationship "serious" due to one reason, her age.

Deep down i knew that girls at that age are emotional rollercoasters and its only in rare situations that a relationship will last long haul. I knew that girls at her age could be happy with things one minute, then feel completly opposite the next. Its because of this that the relationship failed, i didnt appreciate her enough because at the end of the day i was a 26 year old with a hot 19 year old.

I even remember mentioning to a mate whos girlfriend wanted him to move in with her "thank god i wont have that problem yet cause she is too young"

The solution to your problem is easy though, just say you want an exclusive relationship and if he doesnt then stop hooking up with him!

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

I was afraid of this. Maybe I could say to him "I feel bad for having hooked up with you the night we met and for the record I've never done that" or would that be off putting? I'm a bit uncomfortable at times when we're having sex cuz I don't want to come across as slutty. Is that common enough or is that a bit prudish?

Don't make excuses to him about doing something that he did too. If it bothers him, which it doesn't sound like it does, that would make him a huge hypocrite. Do you want to end up with a hypocrite? Lots and lots of people sleep together pretty much immediately and go on to have relationships and even marriages. A man who sees you as an equal will not judge you for having the same morals that he does.

What you need to do is talk to this guy, tell him you like him. That you've enjoyed what you've had so far but you'd like to get to know him better and see if there is anything more.

Dazzler88

Unregistered wrote: »

Maybe I could say to him "I feel bad for having hooked up with you the night we met and for the record I've never done that" or would that be off putting?

he's not going to believe that now.if you say that he will think that your getting obsessive.I think the best idea would be leave this lad,at the end of the day your 19 and your going to have way more opportunities to met nice guys who will appreciate you for who you are.He's 26 and should be delighted to have you but isn't.Its his loss.

Boskowski

Sounds a bit like the FB thing, which is not nice if you want more. With regards to what a lot of the others say though...: How does stop having sex going to turn this into a relationship?

LegacyUser

make no mistake you are a F*** Buddy here.. I have friends (guys) who act just like this guy and all they want is "a bitta young flesh" as they call it.. its sick,, this guy has no respect for you, your just someone he can boast about.. if you are crazy about him the best thing you can do is stop sleeping with him - Why? cause your only wrecking your own head and going to cause yourself more grief in the long run... I was in a similiar situation to this when i was 19 also, he was 26.. when he finished it with me I was heartbroken, not that we had a relationship or anything but i was seriously after falling for him... following this he would txt me every few weeks to meet up saying he missed me, so like a fool i would, and what was all he wanted, sex, and of course i was so delighted that he was with me of course i gave it to him... anyhow i finally got sence, (wasnt easy) and never went back anymore,,, looking back i can see how much i was being used,,, hes tried several times since to score with me (im 25 now), all of these times ive just refused,, your a young girl, go have a great time with your friends and find someone who is worth your time, hes never going to have a relationship with you, trust me, oh and the cinema thing is only just passing time to see what he can get after,, sorry to be blunt,,, best of luck...

Dazzler88

Unregistered wrote: »

your a young girl, go have a great time with your friends and find someone who is worth your time, hes never going to have a relationship with you, trust me..

i think this is the best advice your going to get.Take it from me a fella that has had fcuk buddies before,your better off without him.at 19 you are going have loads of opportunity to met other guys.

LegacyUser

Pretty disappointed reading all these comments. Are all guys like this? I'm really beginning to think so! If he's 26 surely he's wanting a long term relationship after all he's not getting any younger and a few of his mates even have children! He's always the one who texts me, I never innitiate the texting. So surely that says something? He also always says that I'm perfect and never to change a thing about myself...dunno if thats just to get me in the sack or what but

Is there any hope??

We were in a club together last week and I was with my mates and he was with his mates and he came looking for me just so he could show me off to his mates. He was dead set on me meeting them like. So yano?

iguana

Unregistered wrote: »

Is there any hope??

Nobody here can tell you that. Talk to him, tell him how you feel. Ask him if he would like to have a relationship. That's the only way that you'll ever know.

VaioCruiser

Unregistered wrote: »

Pretty disappointed reading all these comments. Are all guys like this?

In a word. NO.

January

Unregistered wrote: »

Pretty disappointed reading all these comments. Are all guys like this? I'm really beginning to think so! If he's 26 surely he's wanting a long term relationship after all he's not getting any younger and a few of his mates even have children! He's always the one who texts me, I never innitiate the texting. So surely that says something? He also always says that I'm perfect and never to change a thing about myself...dunno if thats just to get me in the sack or what but

Is there any hope??

We were in a club together last week and I was with my mates and he was with his mates and he came looking for me just so he could show me off to his mates. He was dead set on me meeting them like. So yano?

No, not all guys are like this. But, most guys at 26 are still not ready for a long term relationship and may not be for some time, it's the same with some girls. The fact that he initiates the texting could mean one of two things though...

1. That he really does like you, but you won't know unless you say it to him.

2. That he just wants you for sex and initiates the texting because he knows you'll come over if he flatters you enough.

Also, he could just be showing you off to his mates and when you leave are talking about how great it is to have someone to have sex with no strings attached. How did he introduce you?

To be honest, I'd not be having sex with him again until I figured out what he wanted from all of this. You'll only end up hurting more in the long run if you fall for this guy and all he wanted all along was sex from you.

It's happened to me a couple of times too.

suspectpackage

Unregistered wrote: »

I feel bad for having hooked up with you the night we met and for the record I've never done that

Never ever ever say that to a lad because we have heard it from every girl we have had a one night stand with and it really holds no weight. It makes you seem like a liar which is even worse. Do you honestly think you have any credibility having been so easy on the first night?

lynnmarie

I'm 19 myself an was in the exact same position as you last year!.
I think you need to be honest with the guy! Tell him what your feeling, i no it'l be extremely hard to do but it could be worth it!.
I finished with the guy i was "seeing" after 3 months.. I couldn't handle how bad the situation was making me feel.. I found out 9 months later, when chattin him in a club that he was mad about me but didn't want to ask me out because, lol this is hilarious actually.. He taught i was only after sex!..

an hey if things dont work out with this guy your only young, You'l meet someone when your least expecting it! Might not feel like it now but You'l be over him in no time!=)

Quandary

Sounds like he just wants le sex im afraid. Put the power in your hands though and ask him straight out to be exclusive. If he is enthusiastic about this and says yes then happy days but if he gives you a convoluted vague response then you have your answer straight away.

It'll make you feel a lot better in thte long run either way....

LegacyUser

It's been a few weeks since I posted in this thread with an update but the latest is we see each other about 2/3 times a week and each time it's in his house with his mates and I usually stay the night, we watch a movie, get a takeaway. He has said a few times "what do you think your parents will think of me" and "i'll charm your mom with flowers" and all this. Surely that's positive. He phones me quite a bit when he's out with his mates just to say hello, not asking me back or anything then he'd say goodnight and blow kisses down the phone. However things have still not left the bedroom and it's been almost 2 and a half months.

Am i still a **** buddy? Taking into consideration he's mentioned meeting my parents etc

lolli

Well if hes mentioned about meeting your parents why don't you arrange for him to come over to your house for dinner to meet them. If hes serious about you then he'll go. I think you'll be able to tell from his reaction.

Its still early days so maybe hes just trying to see where things will go.

Salome

Have you asked HIM?

There's not much point asking us. You've been seeing a lot of him - why haven't you asked him?

banshee_bones

tbh i reeeeaaaaaly think your still in FB territory. Yes hes made some throwaway comments about out of bedroom activities and meeting your parents and i think he just did this to buy himself some more time?
but until the day time activities that do not involve alcohol and meeting your parents actually happens I would just stop sleeping with him because if this continues you will get hurt.
However this is just my opinion.
Only you can know for sure.

LegacyUser

From my understanding, you have never been on a date outside of his house/bedroom? Sounds like FB territory to me. However his comments are a bit confusing. At this stage you should know him well enough to talk to him about this & sort out what you both want. Otherwise you could be posting here in a years time still wondering what's going on.

shellyboo

OP, you really need to just ask him. You don't want to be just a FB... so find out if you are. One simple question is all it takes, and then you'll know.

LegacyUser

shellyboo wrote: »

OP, you really need to just ask him. You don't want to be just a FB... so find out if you are. One simple question is all it takes, and then you'll know.

I've asked numerous times and he's replied with "I'm just out of a 3 year relationship and i really like you but I want to take things slow" etc etc.

I'm really confused

Is 2 months not long enough?