Not another 'guy needs help with women' thread :)

LegacyUser

Hi,
I’m a guy in his mid 30’s and I’m just clueless when it comes to women. I honestly just never know what to do.

I have a really busy social life and have loads of friends, many of which are women. I’m independent, I love my life and have a lot of fun. Lots of my friends tell me I’m funny and even say I’m good looking, I don’t think so myself but maybe I should cause so many say it. I’m fairly confident in almost everything I do except for when it comes to women. Some of the women I’m friends with, I fancy and I do get the feeling the odd time that they might like me.

I just don’t know what to do, the thoughts of making a move freaks me out. I over think to the point that my personality almost shuts down and then always just say to myself ‘Ah forget it’. Basically I panic and run.

I’ve been told I’m too nice. I don’t know how to be any different though and the worst thing is, I’m pretty sure I don’t want to change my personality because I like me.

I’ve been told to be more confident and to stop saying to everyone (especially women I like) that I’m useless with women and stop thinking it too cause that means I believe it. I’m working on the confident part and I do feel more confident than ever except for when it comes to women. I do not say to anyone anymore that I’m crap with women but I do still think it the odd time.

I think I hate for my life to be complicated. My last relationship was a real pain in the a$$. One of those one’s where the woman I was with did not want me having my own hobbies or friends and would make me feel bad about going to these things and leaving her at home yet if I invited her she wouldn’t go so eventually I just ended it. The scary thing is that was my longest relationship, all the ones before it were really short and basically crap. My friends have told me that it’s unfortunate that I’ve never really been in love or had a happy relationship cause instead of happiness I just think of hassle when it comes to them. I’ve been told to stop thinking that anything that happens with a woman could become a relationship and to just have fun and sleep around a bit. I wouldn’t know where to begin though. I’ve never had a one night stand, I never kiss the odd woman here and there at night clubs like most guys do even though I am out a lot.

I haven’t been in a relationship in 5 years and haven’t had sex since then either. It’s all wrecking my head.

I am also really quiet with women or anyone really until I become friends with them and for me that takes awhile.

Everyone comes to me for advice with their problems and say I’m good at giving advice but why can’t I seem to take any?

Oh I dunno, I’m thinking too much again.
Just looking for advice on how to be better and chatting to women and figuring out if they like me and then what the hell do I do if they do.
I’ve also read up on body language but I forget most of that when I’m out.

togster

It's very simple. If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin then it will never work out. Confidence is key. Being able to look into a womans eyes and hold the look and be confident of it.

You could go on for days about what to wear and what to say and so on but if you are not confident then none of the other things matter. Believe you are the man and you will be. Simple as.

Good luck OP

JamesAlex

togster wrote: »

It's very simple. If you don't feel comfortable in your own skin then it will never work out. Confidence is key. Being able to look into a womans eyes and hold the look and be confident of it.

You could go on for days about what to wear and what to say and so on but if you are not confident then none of the other things matter. Believe you are the man and you will be. Simple as.

Good luck OP

never a truer word spoken

scanlas

what's your email? I'll send you the solution for free.

LegacyUser

OP here

I think I'm fairly confident but only once I've made friends and most times that's too late.
I've always been one of those people that trys to sound people out, I will wait awhile and decide from someone's behaviour if they're someone I can be friends with. It's not the best way to be, I think. Not sure how to stop it though.
As far as being comfortable in my own skin, I am, I mean and I think this sounds really big headed but I think I'm cool. There was a time back in my early 20's when I was a bit depressed, a real 'oh woe is me' sort but I got out of it and the main way I did it was by convincing myself that I was cool no matter what anyone else thought. Unfortunately I believe it but don't always believe others do. I'm possibly a little too laid back for my own good.
It's how to be more confident I want to know and right from the beginning not after I've made friends. Telling someone to be confident doesn't really tell them much.

togster

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here

I think I'm fairly confident but only once I've made friends and most times that's too late.

Confidence comes from within. Regardless of friends or environment.

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
I've always been one of those people that trys to sound people out, I will wait awhile and decide from someone's behaviour if they're someone I can be friends with. It's not the best way to be, I think. Not sure how to stop it though.

I used to be like this too. The only way to stop this is true belief in yourself. As for finding that, well that's a different story

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here

As far as being comfortable in my own skin, I am, I mean and I think this sounds really big headed but I think I'm cool.

You shouldn't apologise for thinking your cool. Believing you are cool in every circumstance is a different kettle of fish tbh. People will only believe you if you really believe it yourself.

Unregistered wrote: »

Unfortunately I believe it but don't always believe others do.

If you really believed it you would not care if others did or not.

Unregistered wrote: »

I'm possibly a little too laid back for my own good.

Nothing wrong with being laid back tbh. I am too.

Unregistered wrote: »

It's how to be more confident I want to know and right from the beginning not after I've made friends.

OK next time you are in this situation. Watch what thoughts arise when you first meet someone. What stops you from being yourself? What are the emotions you feel? Are you a little apprehensive of what they will think?

Once you become aware of what the thought processes are, then become aware that you are apprehensive about something that has not yet happened. You have no idea what that person is thinking. So don't guess.

Breath. Look around you.

Don't become consumed by other people.

Take in your environment.

Breathe it in.

Don't allow your mind to take up to much of your attention.

You don't have to be the loud guy knocking back beers. That's not you.
You can't pretend to be someone else.

If you can stand still in a group of people and hold eye contact you are half way there.

Smile from the inside and if you can't do this then just smile.

Become aware of your body and how you talk.

Speak slowly and hold eye contact.

Let your eyes dance if they want.

When with a woman and you are attracted to her. Allow your eyes to show this. Watch her lips as she talks (not all the time!!!).

Look at her straight in the eyes. Remain interested in her. Don't get distracted by "what if she thinks this" etc etc.

Listen to her, not your thoughts (THEY ARE NOT REAL!!)

Realise this: You are not your insecurities. You must however fully realise this. They will become a distant memory, and allow the real you to shine through.

First step: Become aware of your insecurities. First the thought and then more thought and the associated emotion. Realise that they are not real (if you don't want them to be)

That is how to become confident (NOT arrogant). Confidence is real and arrogance is faked confidence.

scanlas

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here

I think I'm fairly confident but only once I've made friends and most times that's too late.
I've always been one of those people that trys to sound people out, I will wait awhile and decide from someone's behaviour if they're someone I can be friends with. It's not the best way to be, I think. Not sure how to stop it though.
As far as being comfortable in my own skin, I am, I mean and I think this sounds really big headed but I think I'm cool. There was a time back in my early 20's when I was a bit depressed, a real 'oh woe is me' sort but I got out of it and the main way I did it was by convincing myself that I was cool no matter what anyone else thought. Unfortunately I believe it but don't always believe others do. I'm possibly a little too laid back for my own good.
It's how to be more confident I want to know and right from the beginning not after I've made friends. Telling someone to be confident doesn't really tell them much.

Seriously OP, you are not confident and you don't know why you aren't and how to get confident. I have a 234 page ebook which actually will actually lay out what you need to do to get confident and good with women, I understand it may be hard to believe but I'm giving you one more chance to give me your email so I can send it to you, otherwise you will probably suffer for the rest of your life like most men in the scarcity mindset with women. You've seriously no idea the false paradigms you've been living under.

ihazaquestion

there's nothing worse than 'too nice' in a guy.
you need to go out at the weekend, have a few drinks and loosen up. give eyes to some slapper you fancy and then buy her a drink. sleep with her, say you'll call and dont. do the same next week, and the next, keep doing it until you meet someone worthwhile. you'll have fun and as long as you use protection, its harmless.
you probably need to get a new look too. nothing worse than stripey shirts and jeans/slacks or whatever you wear. get something that says bad boy. dont listen to gay music. get a few tattoos. drive a bike. jesus, anything! it cant be that bad!

LegacyUser

Togster Scanlas Ihazaquestion

Thanks Togster, that was an awesome reply and I will work on that.

Scanlas, I sent you a PM.

Ihazaquestion, I know where you're coming from and I'm sure that works but it's just not me. I want to be better with women but not if I have to change who I am. I've no real interest in slappers. I like to get to know a woman and then decide if I like her.
I'll work on what Togster said and see how I go but if I have to change my ways completely to get a ride from the odd slapper, well, I probably will cause I'm human and I have needs.
Even typing that though, it's so not me.

togster

Unregistered wrote: »

Even typing that though, it's so not me.

The fact that you know that much is half the battle.

Not sacrificing yourself is key.

Practice in every say life. Even at the check-out counter. Just smile and hold eye contact. You will be amazed at just how easy it can be.