Should I run away from the very intense man??

LegacyUser

Started kind of seeing this guy recently and we get on great...really, really brilliantly...first time in ages I've felt like this for someone...I got the butterflies big style after meeting him. However, after our first date, he phoned almost straight away to see did I get home okay and he texted twice to tell me how much, how beautiful and how lovely I was. That was fine. Not used to hearing it but it's nice to hear.

That was a week ago.

Now he's texting maybe twice a day and 5 or 6 texts in one go (I text once a day). Really soppy texts about how beautiful I am, how funny I am how he can't wait to see me, how we really hit it off, how life is short and we should grab these opportunities while we can. He's called twice late at night while I was in bed. When I didn't answer the phone, he'd text to ask me to send him a goodnight text because he's a "sensitive soul". I personally think this is all a bit too much after 2 meetings and I'd almost worry.

I asked him straight out last night was he just very, very intense or a nutcase (in a half jokey way). He replied that he's not the "playing it cool" type and if he likes someone, he hates games and just goes for it. He's in his late 30's and he says he's beyond the playing it cool.

I told him to maybe cool it with the texts (in a nice way) and he said he would and that he didn't want to piss me off.


I'm 30, very independent and happy enough being single but we really did get along great. He didn't seem like a nutcase the two times I met him...he was clearly very nervous meeting me and it's obvious he fancies me, which is sweet. He showered me with compliments but to be honest, the intensity of his contact (we live on different sides of the country)makes me worry. He's driving down to see me this week and am not sure what he expects from me at this early stage. NOt even sure if I'm looking for a boyfriend but it looks like he definitely is. Am I just being incredibly Irish and should I just take the compliments and the intensity and just go with it or should I run a mile? This guy is not Irish, btw. Maybe this is part of his culture? It's hard to know.

I really don't want to end up with stalker on my case...I had one of them in my early twenties with an ex after we broke up and has made me very wary since. My gut instinct is the guy is not a looney but is intense and is clearly looking for his big love. He mentioned I was the first Irish girl he fancied since he moved here 5 years ago and commented on how awful we were at the whole "courting" business and is not sure how things work here but he also mentioned on our second date that his friends comment on how intense he can be and maybe he has a tendancy to frighten girls...and we laughed about this. I didn't realise how right his friends were.

What should I do??

Gyalist

Yeeowzer wrote: »

What should I do??

You should take the opinions of his friends seriously.

NickyNin

I don't think this is a cultural issue as even his friends have commented on it. I would avoid this man at all costs. I don't think this is normal behavior and despite the fact that it makes you uncomfortable - he still hasn't restrained himself?!

Better safe than sorry.

LegacyUser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I thought he had toned it down...

If not, then I have to agree with NickyNin.

I think I'd be mortified if a guy told me to tone down texting/contact. How cringe-worthy.

No, I told him last night and he responded (by text) to say he would and that he doesn't want to piss me off. He hasn't texted me yet today!!

I know, I didn't want to embarass the guy by telling him to tone the texts down (because I suspected he was a bit nuts!), that would be mean, particularly if the guy was just keen...I just said that I'm not a fan of texting and I couldn't respond to every text he sent and I kind of joked around and asked him if he was usually this intense with a girl he just met. He said he could be intense but that he was just excited because it's rare for him to meet a girl he likes as much as me.

This guy is English, by the way so I don't think this is a cultural thing when I think about it. Lived there for a few years and men are quite reserved generally.

I don't really want to leave it just yet though, we did get along great face-to-face...as I said before, no sign of lunacy...really clicked BUT does anyone think this guy could be just mad into me and not a just complete looney...or is he showing signs of looniness? Do men behave like this sometimes? Sunflower, you think I should give him a chance...anyone else? In a way it's nice to meet someone who's forthcoming with compliments without having to knock back 15 pints....

LegacyUser

I'd be wary. It sounds like he's investing an awful lot into the relationship very early, which would set the alarm bells off. He hardly knows you, but he's being very full on. In my view, that means there's a danger that he's fallen head over heals with his idea of you or the idea of finally having a girlfriend, rather than you yourself.

Gyalist

OP, do you know anything about his relationship history? If a man is in his late 30's and hasn't had at least one significant long-term relationship that would be a huge red flag to me.

Men who are used to being around women do not behave like that. I also find it hard to believe that he has lived here for 5 years and you are the first Irish girl that he has fancied.

LegacyUser

I met somebody lately who was like that with constant texting day & night, even waking me up at 1 & 2am with texts and calls. At the start I thought it was flattering, if a bit over the top, but after a while I found it a bit wierd and I ended it. It is strange to be that intense so soon and if his friends have also made comments, I would be wary of him to be honest.

nmesisca

Gyalist wrote: »

OP, do you know anything about his relationship history? If a man is in his late 30's and hasn't had at least one significant long-term relationship that would be a huge red flag to me.

Men who are used to being around women do not behave like that. I also find it hard to believe that he has lived here for 5 years and you are the first Irish girl that he has fancied.

I fancied 2 in 10 years in this country.
They're mostly all drunk!
No wonder.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

OP, do you know anything about his relationship history? If a man is in his late 30's and hasn't had at least one significant long-term relationship that would be a huge red flag to me.

Men who are used to being around women do not behave like that. I also find it hard to believe that he has lived here for 5 years and you are the first Irish girl that he has fancied.

No, I wouldn't go near a man who's never had a girlfriend...THIS would defo ring alarm bells for me.

He broke up with his last ex a year and a half ago...she was English. He's had a good few long-term relationships from what he tells me and one very long-term one with a French woman in his twenties when he lived there.

The fact that he hasn't fancied Irish women in 5 years is a funny one alright (I got very defensive) but he said he found them to be quite hard to read, that they don't flirt like other nationalities, can be quite hard and hard get to know on THAT level without a load of drink first.

I don't look Irish and am often mistaken for Russian...maybe the Irish look just aren't his type...who knows. Not sure why as I think we're generally fine specimans (but I would say that)!

I lived in England for 3 years and English men did nothing for me...I found them to be quite reserved and lacked the "craic" that Irish men had. I went out with 2 seperate Irish guys who I met there...English men just weren't my type or at least were very hard to get to know to find out if they were my type or not.

But yeah, I'm definitely wary. I'm meeting him this week (somewhere public) and gauge what he's like. I'm not going to go against everyone's advice here and make a case that the guy is sane because I really don't know.

Saying all that, I think we were both shocked out how well we got on and at the end of the first date (met him randomly in a bar and arranged to go out another time), we both agreed how pleasantly surprised how well we got on...hmmm...

But yeah, he seems too keen...I'm definitely not looking to settle down and marry just yet and I'm not up for a guy forcing this on me too soon.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I'd be wary. It sounds like he's investing an awful lot into the relationship very early, which would set the alarm bells off. He hardly knows you, but he's being very full on. In my view, that means there's a danger that he's fallen head over heals with his idea of you or the idea of finally having a girlfriend, rather than you yourself.

Hmmm....yeah...I don't know...I am a bit of a catch though! No, I see what you're saying here. It makes sense. I'm going to have to see what his intentions are when I meet up with him.

Oh why are there so many crazy people about?

trio

I went out with a guy like that once. He put me right up on that pedestal after Date 1 and started bombarding me with flowers and soppiness.

I was very taken aback and a bit wary, like you.

Anyway, he wasn't a nutter - but I kinda copped on by things he mentioned that he was desperate - desperate! - for marriage and family.

He was also around the 40 mark and he was like a heat-seeking missile looking for The One. Unfortunately, that meant that any girl he went out with that was decent looking and nice to him he seemed to fall in love with. Hard.

I realised that he was falling in love with a fantasy - like, he'd grab onto things we had in common (not much, really) and just ignore the fact that our tastes might differ. He just had a major case of rose-tinted specs.

Anyway, I was not looking for marriage, and did not want to be up on a pedestal. I want someone to love me warts and all, not conveniently ignore even the possibility of any warts! That's not a partnership.

So if he calms down, good and well, but he'll have to see you as you are, not how he wants you to be.

LegacyUser

Good advice Trio and I'll take it on board. Perhaps the guy is not a nut-job but I get the distinct impression he's on the hunt for The One...which I suppose many of us are but manage to be a little less obvious about it. I haven't got any flowers in the post yet, though and he obeyed my request for cutting down on texts and hasn't texted all day. Nice to have a bit of peace, tbh. Still, isn't it funny how men get panicky about settling down as well in their 30s? And women are often stereotyped as the crazy ones hunting down a human sperm donor/provider after they hit the 30 mark?

I will see how things go this week and if I'm still turned-off by him, I'll let him know. I know this seems stupid but I don't want to hurt the guy's feelings either...he needs to take care of his heart a bit more and not start falling for the first girl/idea of first girl that somes along. I hope he takes okay if it comes to that because he is one of the good ones, I believe.

Thanks everyone.

VaioCruiser

yeeowzer wrote: »

But yeah, he seems too keen...I'm definitely not looking to settle down and marry just yet and I'm not up for a guy forcing this on me too soon.

Hi OP. The thing to remember here is that if he is like this in the first few days of your relationship, what on earth would happen if you were one or two years down the road and maybe getting married ?

Read some of the other threads here and see how possessive and controlling some guys get when they assume that, because they are in a relationship, they can control who you talk to, who you spend time with etc. You need to really think about this very very carefully in my view and decide if he is really worth this kind of risk. The further you allow yourself to get involved the more difficult it will be to get back out again.

It is quite possible he will tone it down for a couple of weeks. This is a very common reaction by a controller. BUt it will start up again very soon thereafter.

All the best, and be careful !

LegacyUser

VaioCruiser wrote: »

Hi OP. The thing to remember here is that if he is like this in the first few days of your relationship, what on earth would happen if you were one or two years down the road and maybe getting married ?

Read some of the other threads here and see how possessive and controlling some guys get when they assume that, because they are in a relationship, they can control who you talk to, who you spend time with etc. You need to really think about this very very carefully in my view and decide if he is really worth this kind of risk. The further you allow yourself to get involved the more difficult it will be to get back out again.

It is quite possible he will tone it down for a couple of weeks. This is a very common reaction by a controller. BUt it will start up again very soon thereafter.

All the best, and be careful !

Thanks Vaio...I've had my experience with one very crazy, controlling, possessive ex in the past and if I even sensed a sniff of something similar happening again (like the texts), I'd run a mile.

...no, there's no chance things would get that serious anyway...this is not what I'm looking for at the moment, not in the slightest. I'm not the settling down type and I'm probably going to have to emigrate before the end of the year as my current job situation is not looking good. If this guy wants something serious, then I ain't the lady. I pretty much told him this from the beginning.

To be honest, I'm quite disappointed he's started acting this way...we got along great and as I said, there's plenty of nice guys around but it's hard to meet someone you REALLY click with. However, I don't need this hassle...I like my independence and this type of man would drive me nutty and he is already, tbh.

Whatever I do, my safety is my first priority without a doubt.

I'll let you know how I get on and see what you think.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

I met somebody lately who was like that with constant texting day & night, even waking me up at 1 & 2am with texts and calls. At the start I thought it was flattering, if a bit over the top, but after a while I found it a bit wierd and I ended it. It is strange to be that intense so soon and if his friends have also made comments, I would be wary of him to be honest.

Just to add to my original post here, having read Vaiocruisers. I also asked this person to cut back on the texting as it was a bit too much for me and he complied for a few days so I thought he had settled down, but he soon got back into it full on again. This happened a few times before I decided to call it a day. So I agree with Vaiocruiser - it is possible for them to tone things down & back off, but it doesnt last.

Adamisconfused

Yeeowzer wrote: »

However, I don't need this hassle...I like my independence and this type of man would drive me nutty and he is already, tbh.

Whatever I do, my safety is my first priority without a doubt.

I'll let you know how I get on and see what you think.

There’s not a chance in hell that this ‘thing’ with him will lead to a relationship. You’re already questioning his sanity.
If you aren’t attracted to him then just end the charade now. Some people are just overly needy. You can’t change those types of people. They’ve got one track minds and don’t see that they are acting the jackass. I doubt that he has any psychological issues, but that is irrelevant right now.
For your own sanity, end it before you get in too deep.

Novella

Yeeowzer wrote: »

Sunflower, you think I should give him a chance...anyone else?

From this, I am kind of thinking that you are just looking for some reassurance to actually give this guy a chance!?! If that is the case, then obviously you want to so stop worrying about his crazy texting and go for it!

IMO, the texting thing is a bit juvenile and that would totally put me off, it's a bit forward coming from a man you've only met twice and all the compliments and things would probably send me running for the hills!! If you think he maybe just got a bit.... over-excited.... or whatever, I guess that would be ok!

I can understand where he is coming from with the not wanting to play games thing though so in that sense you are lucky, you have a guy who is straight up telling you how he feels, that has to be a plus!

Best of luck with it all anyway

VaioCruiser

Yeeowzer wrote: »

Thanks Vaio...I've had my experience with one very crazy, controlling, possessive ex in the past and if I even sensed a sniff of something similar happening again (like the texts), I'd run a mile.

[snip]

Whatever I do, my safety is my first priority without a doubt.

I'll let you know how I get on and see what you think.

Thats is so great to here Yeeowzer ! Being aware is the most important thing. As you found out before this is a pattern that some men seem incapable of escaping. It seems to me that it comes from a very deeply seated mix of fear and entitlement. A deep fear of losing someone they care about, mixed with a sense of entitlement similar to the acquisition of a puppy as a pet.

All the best in the future !

freedom of info

Yeeowzer wrote: »

Started kind of seeing this guy recently and we get on great...really, really brilliantly...first time in ages I've felt like this for someone...I got the butterflies big style after meeting him. However, after our first date, he phoned almost straight away to see did I get home okay and he texted twice to tell me how much, how beautiful and how lovely I was. That was fine. Not used to hearing it but it's nice to hear.

That was a week ago.

Now he's texting maybe twice a day and 5 or 6 texts in one go (I text once a day). Really soppy texts about how beautiful I am, how funny I am how he can't wait to see me, how we really hit it off, how life is short and we should grab these opportunities while we can. He's called twice late at night while I was in bed. When I didn't answer the phone, he'd text to ask me to send him a goodnight text because he's a "sensitive soul". I personally think this is all a bit too much after 2 meetings and I'd almost worry.

I asked him straight out last night was he just very, very intense or a nutcase (in a half jokey way). He replied that he's not the "playing it cool" type and if he likes someone, he hates games and just goes for it. He's in his late 30's and he says he's beyond the playing it cool.

I told him to maybe cool it with the texts (in a nice way) and he said he would and that he didn't want to piss me off.


I'm 30, very independent and happy enough being single but we really did get along great. He didn't seem like a nutcase the two times I met him...he was clearly very nervous meeting me and it's obvious he fancies me, which is sweet. He showered me with compliments but to be honest, the intensity of his contact (we live on different sides of the country)makes me worry. He's driving down to see me this week and am not sure what he expects from me at this early stage. NOt even sure if I'm looking for a boyfriend but it looks like he definitely is. Am I just being incredibly Irish and should I just take the compliments and the intensity and just go with it or should I run a mile? This guy is not Irish, btw. Maybe this is part of his culture? It's hard to know.

I really don't want to end up with stalker on my case...I had one of them in my early twenties with an ex after we broke up and has made me very wary since. My gut instinct is the guy is not a looney but is intense and is clearly looking for his big love. He mentioned I was the first Irish girl he fancied since he moved here 5 years ago and commented on how awful we were at the whole "courting" business and is not sure how things work here but he also mentioned on our second date that his friends comment on how intense he can be and maybe he has a tendancy to frighten girls...and we laughed about this. I didn't realise how right his friends were.

What should I do??

ask yourself? is he is so intense, what would he be like in 5 years? sounds to me like you could be storing up trouble for yourself

CDfm

Too much speculation. Theres no right way or wrong way to go about texting someone and if you find fault with someone who likes you for that you are very shallow. Reading too much into texts is pure teenage garbage. OP he likes you and if you like the guy go out with him for another date and see what he is like IRL.Otherwise dont waste his time.