Self centred?

LegacyUser

hello boards.
need a small bit of advice.my gf is after coming back from a considerable round the world trip.and shes no sooner on irish soil but shes after telling me she wants to do a charity week long trekk in peru in october.
im glad shes wanting to do charity work and all, but im a little hurt that after spending so long away from me, she didnt even consider asking me to accompy her on her next experience! her excuses are varied from "ur health" to "ur in college"..not valid enough for me!
am i with someone who is totally centred around herself?
i mean jesus,if it wer me and i told her about a trekk, but didnt ask her to come along, id imagine id get a boot up da rear and a very cold shoulder!
am i over reacting here?

NickNolte

How long are you going out with each other and how serious is it? More importantly, how old are you both? If you're both young, then maybe you need to let each other live a little. If you're, say, in your 30's and she's still galavanting around the world... maybe you need to rethink if she's the right girl for you?

LegacyUser

together 2 and a half years.shes spent a bit of that time abroad, we are both mid twenties.
iv tried explaining to her that i felt her actions showed little consideration for me, and to even be asked would have been nice!

NickNolte

I guess it's really up to you to be perfectly honest. What she's doing is very honourable of course but it strikes me that she probably shouldn't be in a relationship right now and certainly that you don't want to be in a relationship with her. 2.5 years isn't a very long time to be together before one of the couple disappears for months on end. Particularly if you're in your 20's. If you had more time together, were older and were, say, married... then yeah.

Sounds like she likes the security of having you there, wating for her at home but you're not really top priority to her. If her priority is poor, disadvantaged people at the moment, then fair play to her I say. Her heart's obviously in the right place... but the wrong place for you unfortunately. Personally, I'd end it.

LegacyUser

end it? id imagine thats a bit extreme.shes only going on this trekk thing for a week like! im just curious as to whether or not i have the right to be a little upset that i didnt get an invite when she was making these plans thats all.

NickNolte

Unregistered wrote: »

end it? id imagine thats a bit extreme.shes only going on this trekk thing for a week like! im just curious as to whether or not i have the right to be a little upset that i didnt get an invite when she was making these plans thats all.

Well if she's only going away for a week, then don't worry about it. I must have missed that! I assumed she was away again for a few months. And no... no need to be too bothered about it if it's only for a week. Case closed

sachamama

erm no i dont think its quite a case closed...
it still doesnt address why she didnt want him to go with her.

so i reckon you have to ask her that.

LegacyUser

i got the excuses that im in college so i wont be able to take time off, my health isnt the greatest,and not all her interests have to be hers too.
1) college..i can afford a week off
2) my health aint that bad!
3) its true, we have different interests

but my point is if one person wants to go doing something like trekking for a charity,would u not even consider asking ur OH if he/she would like to join? jaysus, id never go at something like that without saying to herself "hay,u coming trekking with me" or some variation of that.

my point is, i found it a bit hurtful i wasnt asked, maybe im too sensitive for a bloke i dunno.

Trapattoni

Yeah you should be upset

Self centred ? possibly

From what you have posted I think there is more to the story ... Is she becoming a little distant?

LegacyUser

Is it possible she has wanderlust....lust for someone she met a long the way with a reunion on the cards???

Just a thought, is all

LegacyUser

no..shes not becoming distant
wanderlust, wouldnt think so, she mentioned going trekking with her brother..unless..!!
i got a text off her just there, shes seems to be coming round to my way of thinking on the subject.

wimmins!

BaileysComet

Travelling alone is a wonderful learning experience and one of those things that everyone should try at least once.

Having said that, she already has gone travelling alone so it's entirely possible that she prefers to travel solo. It has a lot of advantages as you're just pleasing yourself and don't have to worry about anyone else and if they're having a good time.

That doesn't excuse her attitude towards you though. I wouldn't be happy if my partner of 2 years fecked off without for a week without discussing it with me. It really does seem like she's only thinking about what she wants and not planning life as half of a couple.

Have the two of you ever gone away together? I wouldn't be as concerned if she was as willing to go away with you as well as wanting to do things herself.

LegacyUser

Sounds like travelling is something she does for herself. She probably gets a lot out of travelling alone. I know I did! When I was going out with someone years ago I went off travelling for 2 months and nearly a year later I went away again for 5 or 6 weeks. First time I went with a friend and second time with a sibling. I don't think that my partner at that time minded too much and it never occurred to me to ask. But to be very honest, i don't think we would have traveled well together.
You say you both have different interests as well as you being in collage and not great health.
She probably wants to get the most out of these trips and maybe she seems selfish to a certain extent but these trips are very often once in a lifetime chances, and unless you are made of money(and can afford to go back again) you cannot afford the chance to ruin it by travelling with an incompatible partner.

You wouldn't believe the amount of bickering I have seen between couples when travelling, whether it be on treks in national parks or in backpacker hostels.
The thing is some people just don't adjust well to travelling in foreign countries and can turn into complete moans who you want to hit over the head even though they could be great craic at home.

And tbh October is 3 months away. It's not as if she is just landed and then flying off again. She has booked something for 3 months away. Why shouldn't she plan ahead?

Would you really have liked to have gone on this trip? What are you more annoyed about; not going or not being asked?
If things are good between you then maybe you should just accept that travel is something she does for herself and not as part of a couple.
Most men like going off playing golf or sport with mates and would never consider including their wives/girlfriends. They see it as their time to do their own thing, perhaps she is the same. she may get more out of the experience if you are not there. Enjoy that you have an independent girlfriend who doesn't cling to you and who doesn't need her boyfriend to make adventure happen in her life. Maybe you are a little threatened by her independence, I don't know, but if you really want to go, just mention it to her.

VaioCruiser

She is clearly an intelligent independent girl who enjoys her independence. She doesn't like being tied down at this stage of her life and enjoys her time with you while she is here.

If you want some different kind of relationship then you need to discuss it and see if she agrees. These kinds of things don't happen automatically.
You are not married so she is free to do what she likes. Dating for 2 years doesn't bestow this kind of attitude on your part in my view.


All the best.

NickNolte

Um... none of us know how intelligent she is, so let's look at the facts and not go off on a girl power rant. As for the OP's "attitude", he can feel whatever way he wants about his relationship and whether or not it suits him. He's not trying to control her; he probably just wants to know where he stands.

OP - just ask yourself whether or not you're happy to continue the relationship on this basis. You're still both fairly young but if you feel she's not as committed as you are then you need to make your own decisions as to whether the relationships worth salvaging. As the above poster said, she's an independent girl and, it would seem, likes to do her own thing. Even if that means large amounts of time away from you. None of us can really say whether this should suit you or not... only you can.

LegacyUser

NickNolte wrote: »

Um... none of us know how intelligent she is, so let's look at the facts and not go off on a girl power rant. As for the OP's "attitude", he can feel whatever way he wants about his relationship and whether or not it suits him. He's not trying to control her; he probably just wants to know where he stands.

I agree with the above.

OP, this is something that happens some people (girls and boys) in their mid twenties. They basically don't want to be tied down, or have to answer to anybody - footloose and free. You can frame it as "independent", as "self centred", as whatever you want. It's what it is.

She enjoys the comfort of having you there, but isn't providing you with what you need - ie. being there for you, showing the consideration you require, etc. etc.

Good luck with it all, just don't let anyone mistreat you