Serious mother in law problems

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have always gotten on well wit my mother in law even though I have always known she's a bit mad, it's better that I stay on her good side. She is obsessed with her son and would anything for him.
A few weeks ago we were at a family event (my family) and she and her husband (who is lovely) were invited to it. My husband got into a stupid row with someone a lot younger than him, it was just a stupid drunken thing and was sorted out until my husbands mother heard about it. She went mad at the younger boy, even making him cry. I was very annoyed and asked her to leave him alone but she wouldn't and call him awful hurtful names. At this point everyone was very drunk, my husband and his father left the party (separately) out of embarrassment and left me to mind my mother in law. She then turned on me calling me every name under the sun. A few of my friends and one of her nephews were there and they all told her she was out of order and that i did nothing wrong, I was devastated. When she seen certain things she was saying were really upsetting me she kept going on and on and on about them, she even stood up over me sticking her finger in my faces saying I wasn’t good enough for her son. I was so upset I asked her to leave, surprise surprise she didn’t leave.
The next morning she left with out saying a word to anyone but rang my husband and told him about how mean I was to her and that I started it all. My husband simply will not talk about it and says it's between me and her but I think he should stand up for me, he is after all going to be with me for the rest of his life, not her. She's always been so interfering in his life, she's even rang his boss on more than one occasion giving out about how he has been treated when he is perfectly happy in his job. I don’t want anything to do with her ever again, I know she has fallen out with a lot of people and she takes pride in telling me about some of the rows. I have always just laughed about it but now that I'm on the receiving end I'm just starting to realise exactly how vicious she really is. I'm just so confused and I don’t know what to do. Help please!!!!

wexford202

My mother in law has only got two sons and my hubby is the youngest.

His older brother is married also. My mother inlaw used to do everything for the two guys. My fella would never have picket up the phone to book anything even something as simple as a weekend break.

When I met my husband I got on fairly well with his mother and always found her ok until the day she noticed my hubby didn't need her constant help.

She started being horrible to me. as his brother sorry to say is a lazy waste of space and so is his wife they love all the attention so I looked like a super biatch distancing myself from her.

She started being horrible nearly as bad as what youare saying and when my hubby saw me crying one night about her that was it. He marched over and gave her a piece of his mind. I only see them once a month or less and it suits me. Maybe if your husband see's that this has upset you he will stand up for you.

As long as you and your husband are happy that's all that matters plus she will soon start to see when you do not remind your husband of her birthday or mothers day and even christmas presents how good you really are. I left it all to my husband one year and she got terrible presents. i was delighted for the witch.

LegacyUser

Both my parents are horrible to my poor husband and as a result my husband has nothing to do with them and I have very very little to do with them.
If I had stood by and let my parents treat him like this without standing in, it would have caused serious problems in our marriage. Tbh, I think my mother thought I wouldn't have the guts to confront her and that's why she carried on the way she did.

I'm not condoning your husbands lack of action in dealing with his mother but as someone one grew up with domineering and controlling parents I can understand how difficult it is to break the pattern of submission after so many years of putting up and shutting up with your parents unacceptable behaviour.
I finally stood up to my parents bad behaviour and now I'm practically an out caste from my whole family. Your husband is probably afraid and not ready for that possibility yet.

I came across a book after the big breakup with my parents which really helped me understand my situation and upbringing a lot better entitled 'Toxic Parents by Susan Forward'. I have also heard of another book by the same author which, although I haven't read I think would be really beneficial to you.
It's called 'Toxic in-laws'. It's for the daughter/son in-law who is dealing with their toxic parents in-law WITHOUT the support of their spouse.

I hope at least that you can take some comfort in the fact that it's not really anything personal against you with your mother in-law. Sounds like this is the norm for her with most people and I doubt people will take anything she says about you seriously.
'pity your husband can't be more assertive with her, but he might come good yet! It took me a long time to stand up to my parents bad behavior towards my husband but I did it in the end.

VaioCruiser

OP - this is a job for your husband to sort out and the sooner the better. When we bring family into our relationships, especially our parents, it is OUR job to ensure they behave properly and respectfully.

I believe you need to sit your husband down and tell him so. It's not your job to sort things out with her. It is HIS job.

All the best

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

It's called 'Toxic in-laws'. It's for the daughter/son in-law who is dealing with their toxic parents in-law WITHOUT the support of their spouse.

+1 the Susan Forward books are very good and practical.

Kimono-Girl

i feel so sorry for you, i had problems with my MIL for the first year too, she only eased up on me after my oh confronted her after seeing me so upset, imo your husband should be the one to talk to her, he is her son and you have done nothing wrong its not just between you and her if its his mother who is upsetting you! in my opinion i think the majority of girls hear the "you are not good enough for my son" my oh's mother used say it to me daily ( we're dating over a year and had a baby last week and only THEN did she admit (grudgingly)that i made her son happy) so i wouldnt take notice of that really. it hurts but i think all mothers really believe nobody is ever good enough for their sons i even think it myself now about my daughter!

with me i just ignored her when she was in her moods cause i get on great with the rest of his family and i wouldn't recommend you have 'nothing' to do with her, it sounds from your post your husbands other relatives are all nice enough, to say they tried to re-assure you afterwards. but you'll have to just be thick skinned around her, at the end of the day she is your husbands mother and he seems to have no problem with her, and if you have nothing to do with her you are going to be the one causing a rift in their family and putting him in an awkward position making you look bad. like they say keep your friends close and your enemys closer. the fact she rang your husband afterwards to 'tell' him on you shows she is really immature and needs to grow up so dont take what she says or does personally (as hard as that is) and know its not you its her!

i hope this helps!

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thank you all very much for your advice and help. I did have a chat with my husband over the weekend. He told me that he was on my side and he knows that his mother was lying when she said I started the fight and that she was totally out of order. But he said that she's his mother and that there is nothing he can do which i can understand. I'm still very hurt and to be honest over the past week or so I have been taking my bad mood out on my poor husband. I'm just going to forget about her for now, I feel like I haven't the energy to deal with her.

Thanks again everyone for taking time out to give me your advice. It's great to know that I'm not the only one with a monster in law and it was great to hear it from someone with controlling parents point of view too. Thanks xxx