Issue with my fiancé need advice

headwrecked24

Hi

I am posting this on here to get an outside perspective on a problem myself and my fiance are having. Basically a few weeks ago, my fiance went out with a few of the lads and got really drunk, rolled in at 3am pissed out of his face, not knowing his own name, he was a disgrace and had drank way too much vodka (he knows he can't drink this without bad consequences but still does it we've had problems with this before) My daughter was in bed and was woken up by this, he then collapsed on the couch and started to get sick all over the sitting room carpet. I went in to check what way he was lying and he was ok but I was really annoyed with him and though feck that he can stay there, I didn't want him coming into bed and puking all over the bed (he did that before and the smell was there for days it was horrible)

Anyway next morning my daughter told me she was awake all night because of him, I was so annoyed that he'd behave like this in front of her. I don't want her thinking this is ok. I went out and stayed away overnight. He rang me asking what happened and why I was staying away so I told him it was because of his behaviour and that it reminded me of growing up with my alchololic mother and I didn't want to put my child through this, it wasn't fair on her. So when I came back home he apologised to my daugher and said he understood where I was coming from, grand, all forgotten about.

Fast forward to now. I lost my job a couple of weeks ago, I felt crap and really down in the dumps but he was there for me so I felt good about that. Then the other day we had a fight over something stupid and he was being really horrible to me (I thought) I just didn't need the pressure I needed him to support me. So in the heat of the arguement he tells me that he went to see the counsellor we had sessions with a couple of years ago. He said the whole him coming home drunk thing made him question himself and he went to see her to see if he was wrong or I was or what (and also deal with some childhood issues). He'd had 2 sessions at that stage but never told me, I was hurt by this and couldn't get my head around it, he told me it was none of my business??! Anyway eventually I understood that he had to do what he had to do. But now he says that he still doesn't understand what the big deal is about him coming home drunk and in a state like I explained above wtf???!

He says he doesn't think what he did was wrong and yeah while he didn't kill anyone, it concerns me now that he thinks it was ok to disrespect me and my child like that. He says he wishes he could have a look from another persons point of view cos he doesn't get it. How should I explain to him that it's not a small thing I don't want to dwell on it and he thinks I'm on my high horse about it, and also thinks that I should have put my feelings aside that night and helped him to the loo, rubbed his back etc.

What's going on? I'm well and truely lost. I might show him this thread so I'd appreciate an outside persepective. Although he dosesn't like me posting our problems online, it's gotten me into trouble before but who else do I turn to, I don't want to speak to family & friends about it and would rather do it annonymously here.

I'm so sorry this is so long and rambling but I'd really appreciate advice for us, thanks a mill.

prinz

I'd advise him to grow up. That is all.

Slow Motion

Ok a couple of things OP.

The counselling. TBH that's his business and not yours he needn't tell you if he doesn't want as it is a very personal thing!

Coming home pissed and puking all over the place. We have all done this once or twice, he apologised. So it should be a case of give out, him sorry, forgive and forget. However, if this kind of behaviour is a regular occurance then you have every right to make an issue of it (it's not clear from your post if this is the case and would be the main issue from my point of view).

Calm and open discussion is the only way to deal with issues like this, no point in shouting, arguing or finger pointing as it just decends from there.

Vegeta

How often does he come home drunk?

If this was a once off (as in once a year at most) then I think you are being very unfair on him.

Again assuming that this was a rare event then I think staying away for a night was a huge over reaction.

Yes he was wrong to get so drunk but looks like you are projecting resentment for your mother's alcohol abuse onto him. That's not right either if this was a once in a blue moon kind of thing.

Now if he does this regularly I can understand your reaction and would support you 100% and he needs to cop on and respect that you don't like him drinking so often. Otherwise, again if this was a rare event, I think you were quite mean to him and over reacted

headwrecked24

Yeah I understand counselling is a very personal thing I went through it myself, but I needed him to lean on when I did so I spoke to him about it I'm just hurt he couldn't do the same with me. I don't even know if that makes sense... Like we are together 8 years, and I share everything with him but he is different to me I suppose in that he keeps things to himself and then shares when he's ready but it just feels weird, like he shuts me out.

Yes the drink thing has happened a few times before. He's embarrased me and ruined 2 very close friends weddings for me by drinking vodka and getting drunk and abusive (verbally although he did throw glass in the hotel room also but not at me) only a few months ago he came home and puked all over the bed where I was lying also and I forgave him those incidents, it was worrying to have to deal with this after those incidents. He's 30 years of age, has a son himself he should know how to control himself in drink. I don't want him to be a bad role model for my daughter. Don't get me wrong I'm not perfect, we've all had our room spinning pukey moments after drink. But he knows it's a problem for him and he doens't know when to stop. I suppose my main issue is that my daughter was there to witness this. I did forgive and forget about it and would never have mentioned it again had he not brought it up in our arguement and told me he went to counselling it for it, that's why it's come up again now and I'm hearing him saying that he doesn't think it's that bad which makes me wonder does he think it's ok to act this way? Cos I don't.

messygirl

Him coming home drunk, everyone is entitled to do that, we all let loose and lose it sometimes. The issue is that he knew you had an alcoholic parent. This brings bad memories up for you.

You don't like him drinking vodka. I don't like my boyf when he is on shorts and I told him and now he doesn't drink them (still gets bladdered occassionally but ) The issue is he did it in front of your daughter too which is a bad example. Fairly simple solution in my eyes:
#get him to stop drinking and either he agrees or more rows
#get a babysitter in and go out with him, and agree before hand not to get totally pissed, by getting each other pints of water in between rounds
#explain how you don't want you daughter seeing that; it upsets you by bringing back memories; ask him next time he is getting that bad to please stay at someone elses house. You love him but don't want the rows in the morning and that way he can get pissed, you don;t have to see him drunk and he still has his freedom (this of course conditional he doesn't do it every weekend)

Regarding the counselling its fairly good he is addressing his problems in a responsible way. Maybe tag along to one or two with him to address your individual needs?

Best of luck anyway. Not a break up offence but you have to lay down ground rules (both of you, ie, he gets his nights out and you feel safe and protect your daughter from daddy throwing up on the floor)

SarahSassy

What he did was distasteful and not nice but not a sacking offense.

OP, its not his fault your childhood was blighted by an alcoholic Mother but he is paying the price for it. Getting sick is not nice but not the end of the world. I would suggest you put your baggage aside and move on.

kmick

If he cant see that getting drunker than he can handle and then coming home and puking everywhere is not acceptable I am not sure where you go with it. He seems to imply the counsellor told him this was ok. As well as that this is not his first time so there is a history of this. Rub his back ha ha ha. what age is he 12? Tell him to grow up and become a man.

partyguinness

Am I right in thinking he is not the biological father of your child..just a side issue as you keep saying "my daughter"

headwrecked24

OP, its not his fault your childhood was blighted by an alcoholic Mother but he is paying the price for it. Getting sick is not nice but not the end of the world.

And what price am I paying for it? He has issues from his childhood with a parent as well and I am as supportive and sympathetic as I can be. I'm sorry maybe I'm just mad to think it's wrong that him keeping me and my child awake all night, listening to him verbally abuse me when I tell him not to come into the room and puke on the bed and worrying myself sick that this is going to be my future same as was my past.

Yeah maybe I should have patted him on the back for that and just forgotten about it like all the other times.

I didn't want to leave my home, I went to a hotel room to get my head together and mostly to get some sleep, I couldn't stay in my house cos it was covered in sick and he was sleeping off a hangover. was I really so wrong?

headwrecked24

partyguinness wrote: »

Am I right in thinking he is not the biological father of your child..just a side issue as you keep saying "my daughter"

No he's not my daughters father, we both have children from previous relationships, his child doesn't live with us though but he sees him alot.

Recon

I think there's a huge difference to coming home drunk, puking in the toilet and sleeping it off compared to lying on the couch and puking on the carpet. Neither are really something he should be doing very often but at least if he's puking in the toilet you don't have to put up with a smelly carpet for days.

VaioCruiser

Hi OP.

I have one question: Is this how you want your future life, for you and your daughter, to continue ?



Al the best.

SarahSassy

Obviously it is very wrong that he verbally abused you and that is the most serious issue in my book.

You sound quite sanctimonous and like you only want to hear views that agree wth your own. You are entitled to be p'd off about your Motehrs drink issues but not with him. That is the past and this is now. He is not her.

headwrecked24

well no of course I don't want a future like this but I'm hoping that him going to counselling is a positive step for him and for our relationship. It's taken him a long time to make that step and I know it wasn't easy. I just wish I'd known he was going to do it so I could have supported him.

I suppose I'm just concerned that he is trying to justify what he did (that night with the drinking). As I said the counselling might help but if it doesn't then we need to have a look at splitting up. After 8 years and living together that's not an easy option, I would like to think we could work it out.

prinz

SarahSassy wrote: »

Obviously it is very wrong that he verbally abused you and that is the most serious issue in my book.

Or disturbing the child. Or exposing a kid to that kind of behaviour. He also strikes me as being the kind to leave the mess there for the OP to clean up tbh. Everyone likes to have a good time, and sometimes we all over do it, but tbh I wouldn't puke all over the bed, or all over the sitting room carpet, shout abuse at people in the house, and then expect them to be fine with it Because that is not normal behaviour.

headwrecked24

You sound quite sanctimonous and like you only want to hear views that agree wth your own. You are entitled to be p'd off about your Motehrs drink issues but not with him. That is the past and this is now. He is not her.

I don't think you're understanding my problem here Sassy Sarah, the verbal abuse although not nice is not what gets me, its the way he behaved in front of my daughter. I'm a mother first and foremost of course I'm not going to stand for that behaviour and the reason I brought up my childhood is not to say how his actions affected ME, it's to say that having gone through that myself, I don't want a childhood like that for my daughter. Sorry if i sound "sanctimonious" but I have a real issue here and you don't seem to understand that I have EVERY right to be pissed off with him.

SarahSassy

You have every right to be annoyed with whomever you want... My point is that this is not just related to this one night alone. You are bringing baggage into it. His behaviour was appalling but bad enough to break up over? If it truly has only happened once before then thats very harsh.

LegacyUser

Well, my 2 cent worth is - not reasonable to come home and puke all over the place. Its about respect and he simply showed none to you, your child or your home. If he cannot handle vodka / drink - then drink in moderation or avoid certain drinks. You both are adults, both are parents, you would think he would be a bit more mature and not destroy your home - when he knows what happens after drink. Not really setting a great example for your child - will she feel when she is older to do the same and respond that he did it too.

Hey look everbody goes through a rough patch every now and then and he might be just letting off steam, so you both have talked about it - he is sorry. But if it is a every week or couple of weeks, I would seriously question why you still with him.

prinz

sunflower27 wrote: »

But if you did it once or twice in 8 years would you expect to be dumped?

I don't think they've been together 8 years. I had a similar slip up once, albeit there was no child involved, and no abusive language used, and I was let know in no uncertain terms that that is exactly what I would be facing if there was a repeat performance. And she was dead right.

VaioCruiser

headwrecked24 wrote: »

well no of course I don't want a future like this but I'm hoping that him going to counselling is a positive step for him and for our relationship. It's taken him a long time to make that step and I know it wasn't easy.

But what about this ? ........

headwrecked24 wrote:

He says he doesn't think what he did was wrong and yeah while he didn't kill anyone, it concerns me now that he thinks it was ok to disrespect me and my child like that.

Sounds to me like he went to counseling ok, but still believes vomiting all over the house, being abusive and obnoxious to you and your daughter is ok ??? This is a HUGE HUGE problem in my opinion...

I just wish I'd known he was going to do it so I could have supported him.

I agree that it would have been nice, But everyone deals with their problems differently. They cannot do it in a way that suits other people. However having said that it sounds to me like this 'counselling' thing he is going to is totally inadequate, especially if he came home and promptly announces it all ok, you are the one being stupid and he did nothing wrong ???? I mean what is THAT about ??

I suppose I'm just concerned that he is trying to justify what he did (that night with the drinking). As I said the counselling might help but if it doesn't then we need to have a look at splitting up. After 8 years and living together that's not an easy option, I would like to think we could work it out.

Alcohol is a deeply destructive thing in a marriage if one party looses control. Your partner looks like he has lost control and perspective. If that is the case then nothing you do will change him, until he finally accepts his failure. I also think that it is a HUGE issue that apparently believes that this kind of appalling behaviour is ok ? Not in my books... it is totally and utterly UNacceptable ... !!!

From what you have posted I see little hope of things changing and unfortunately it comes back to my original question... do you want to live a life like this for you and your daughter ? I know what my answer would be.

All the best !

prinz

sunflower27 wrote: »

Everyone slips up.. and yes he did, but good grief, call off the wedding!!!
He knows he stuffed up, he's even gone to counselling - which is more than many would do.
Maybe I'm justba soft touch, but I wouldnt dump the love of my life for going a bit crazy one night on the lash. Yes, it was bad, but none of us are perfect.

You're mixing me up with someone else. I never suggested she should dump him or call off the wedding. The only thing I suggested is that he needs to grow up. Because coming home twisted, puking all over the house, abusing your OH and disturbing your future step child is not something which can just be brushed aside with a "sure it'll be alright tomorrow". It's more serious than that.

missed the 8 years part, but IMO that makes things worse, he should know better.

prinz

sunflower27 wrote: »

Of course it's serious, but 8 years and he slips up and then goes to counselling to try and sort the issue... give him a break.

For a repeat offence ( and we still don't know how often this has actually happened ) understanding and acceptance starts to diminish. tbh I wouldn't want my child exposed to that kind of behaviour even once so I can see where the OP is coming from.

LegacyUser

I think it's clear enough that the OP is saying, if after two messy puking incidents and a couple of sessions of counselling, her fiance is still coming to her saying he doesn't really see what is so bad about it, then it's likely that the behaviour will be repeated. Why should he stop if he doesn't think he was particularly out of order?

However, regarding the counselling OP, I think it would be important to show him your support that he sought out this help at all, and not come over all hurt because he didn't tell you about it before he went or after the first session. It's always the first big hurdle, going out looking for help or clarity in that way, so that deserves support.

Personally, I think getting so drunk that you cannot even make it to the toilet or a basin or even a plastic bag is SO disgusting that I would be thinking in terms of that person needs to stay away from alcohol completely. I mean this is a family home - I can't imagine what it would have been like at a young age to see one of my parents destroy the bed or couch with drunken puke. If he doesn't see this as particularly problematic - (and I would also like to know who cleans up after these incidents) that says a lot about his relationship to alcohol and how it may come above his relationship with his family.

VaioCruiser

sunflower27 wrote: »

I imagine the counselling is something he felt a tad ashamed about. I'm really impressed he went.

I think you are being harsh though. He got drunk and made a fool of himself but I dont think this is remotely a dumpable offence. If it was happening frequently, then yes, but if you love him and everything else is fine, then I think you are over-reacting.

Did you read what she wrote ? "he knows he can't drink this without bad consequences but still does it we've had problems with this before"

So it's a common problem.....

VaioCruiser

sunflower27 wrote: »

WHAT!?! He got plastered once, drank too much and was sick! I don't think that makes him a lost cause.

I dont get what you mean about him thinking his behaviour was OK? If he did think that, he wouldnt have bothered his arse to go to counselling, he'd of gone out, got blotto the next night and thrown up all over the place again.

Don't you read what the OP posted ?

"he knows he can't drink this without bad consequences but still does it we've had problems with this before"

So it's an old problem and has happened many times.

enda1

Sometimes the worst thing you can say to a person is that they shouldn't do it, or they can't handle it.

Let me guess, he has self-esteem issues. His counceling is somehow related to his will being taken from him. By giving him such instructions and bounderies you are now doing the same to him and he will resent the feeling and act out, especially making bad/"I'll show her I can handle vodka" type decisions when drunk.

Not sure how to handle the situation to be honest but maybe approach the situation a bit more subtly - especially do not bring alcoholism into it as this is a huge insult to someone who is not alcoholic!

LegacyUser

enda1 wrote: »

Not sure how to handle the situation to be honest but maybe approach the situation a bit more subtly - especially do not bring alcoholism into it as this is a huge insult to someone who is not alcoholic!

Someone who is not an alcoholic might be rational enough to think "well if it looks this bad to them, that they think I might be an alcoholic, maybe it is quite bad". Someone who IS an alcoholic will probably be in denial.

OS119

OP,

i know i'll be shot for this in our new age of basket weaving and mung beans, but you are only now considering the future of a relationship after your BF ruins two weddings and the associated friendships through his inability to handle his drinking, and then gets so pissed that he throws up all over the living room, then yells the odds at you and keeps your kid awake with his carrying on?

a person who acts in that manner and needs counselling to tell him that 'this is a bad thing m'kay....' (and even then doesn't get it) is not a valuable member of society, ready and able to take a responsible and constructuve part in the upbringing of your daughter, this is a waste of organs who you should have got shot of long ago.

eleven

Unregistered wrote: »

Someone who is not an alcoholic might be rational enough to think "well if it looks this bad to them, that they think I might be an alcoholic, maybe it is quite bad". Someone who IS an alcoholic will probably be in denial.

I think there's a lot of sense in that.

OP, you asked for outside opinion on your issue, I think this is a situation whereby outside opinion doesn't really matter.

It's up to *you* to decide what behavior you want to live with and what ideals you want your daughter to grow up with.
So you have to decide what is acceptable and what isn't, because people have varying degrees of tolerance for drunken behavior.

Some people will expect the kind of scene you described every once in a while,
some will forgive it, and some people abhor any kind of drunkenness at all.

There is no right or wrong to it, it's simply what way you want to live your life.

My 2 cents?

I think it's forgivable when you both find it acceptable to act like that once in a while - the being drunk and puking that is. The verbal abuse is not acceptable. Throwing things around is not acceptable.
I think that kind of behavior is forgiveable if the person involved is truly remorseful and takes steps to change their behavior - If you have no children.

But when a child is LIVING with you, I don't believe that you should ever come home to that child when you are that drunk. I think you should NEVER let yourself get that drunk if you have to come home to the child. I feel that if you are a parent (biological or otherwise) you should be able to have the self control to not begin the kind of heavy drinking that means you won't be able to look after yourself. If you want to do it, sleep somewhere else. I think acting so out of control scares your child. A child who sees their parent out of control, not able to walk properly, talk properly, control their temper and being sick everywhere? Well it's unfair to that child.

So I think anyway.