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Rules Of Attraction?
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10-07-2009 8:12am#1Hi all
Seeing a guy for a couple of months now, thought it was going well....but I guess it's not seeing as am posting here! The problem is that I am not as physically attracted to him as I would like to be or feel I "should" be - am wondering can this change over time, 2 months is not a long time and I really don't want to jump ship without being sure......the thing is, he's a really lovely man, not like some other men I have dated in the past in that he would be quieter, less confident, and really not "my type" but at the same time, I enjoy being with him, he's seriously kind and considerate and, crucially, he made me shoot beer out of my nose from laughing the other night (I know, v. attractive). When we meet up, I walk into the bar/restaurant and my heart sinks a teensy bit, I just don't find him very attractive, but then he goes and does his thing and by the end of the night, I'm thinking how much I like him.....until the next date when the questioning starts again
When he kisses me, I definitely feel a spark, he's good at it and is very affectionate.....physical relations are developing at a slow pace but that's fine with me.... sigh, not sure what I am trying to say here, I think I am just a bit distressed that this lovely man wants to be with me and I really, really, really want to fancy him but I know in my heart that at the moment, I don't and that there is no point on carrying on if I don't fancy him, liking him a lot is not enough.....but am I giving it enough of a chance?? Anyone find themselve in this situation before?
J.0
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sunflower27 wrote: »Yeah, I think I went out with him too
Not bitter either.
I was also more hung up on what my friends thought of my boyfriends in my 20s. Now that doesnt really come into it.
A person with a good heart, smart and funny is far more attractive to me than a six-pack these days... Gawd, I'm getting old :rolleyes::D
As a male who has only seemed to meet girls that seek the 'good looking bad boy' it's very heartwarming to hear these comments..
My current gf is not exactly what I would go for..it just developed over time..when I first met her I didnt think it would go very far but let me tell you that at this stage I'm mad about her and when we kiss it's electric..and as for under the sheets.......WOW...
Part of the attraction is that she's just so damn nice, sweet and thoughtful....unlike all the others I've been attracted to in the past..
So stick with it OP..Best of luck :-)0 -
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sunflower27 wrote: »A person with a good heart, smart and funny is far more attractive to me than a six-pack these days... Gawd, I'm getting old :rolleyes::D
Nothing about getting old. I've always been that way about girls. Someone who could make me think and make me laugh always had the advantage.
My current gf did the same to me as the OP, beer coming out my nose when she made a joke, which everyone else present thought was highly inappropriate at the time. That's when she noticed me and I noticed her and we've never looked back ( doesn't hurt that she's also pretteh sexeh )
What I meant to add was that if it wasn't for her sense of humour I probably never would have made the effort to get to know her. You could be a super model but if you're as dull as a box of hammers the only people who will go after you are interested in looks alone.0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »Been there done that... the bad boy thing! I actually kick myself when I think of the amount of time I spent with them, being treated appallingly and doubting myself.
Life is way too short for that now.
My priorities were all wrong back then but I suppoose it's all part of growing up. I remember being turned off a guy that fancied me because he wore canvas shoes... I mean ffs! I could have always bought him a new pair of shoes. God, I really was shallow and stupid
Cant believe I am admitting to that
If I knew back then what I know now, eh...
Yet again sunflower..this is all great to hear..not just for the OP but also for a lot of others on here (I must someday come out from behind my unreg shield lol)
I've been that guy you speak of in the past (not the canvas shoes mind you :-) ) so it's good to hear that you girls do actually grow up and want the nice guy.....Fairplay...
OP I hope you've been reading all this on here..you know the answer at this stage.....0 -
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sunflower27 wrote: »As it's not real, can I have Harry for daytime and Smith for the night?:P
Seriously, totally get your point ... they were a really 'happy' couple. They just got each other! Have to say I found him more attractive as the series went on..by the end I thought he was hilarious - and incredibly sweet to Charlotte - and that made him attractive!
Indeed. Nice to have a more realistic plot in a television programme watched by millions of women worldwide as opposed to the lies that's been forced-fed to us from a young age. We've been brainwashed, ladies! Have you noticed in your average Hollywood Rom-Com it's the good-looking guy who's the hero/ nice guy and it's the average looking fella who's the sleaze-ball/a-hole, although there's more of a leaning towards having the geeky nice guy as the hit with the ladies...although the women are ALWAYS stunning or have transformed from "geek to chic" (although, lets face it, they were never that geeky to begin with) and THEN get the hot guy. Again, this is not the case in reality. I'm sure that Megan Fox bird can't make you spuirt tea from your nose from laughing too hard at her witty banter (once again...not bitter!)...I know what some guys might say here....:rolleyes: 0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »We grow up, yes, but that doesnt mean you can all let yourselves go, parade around in your canvas shoes and expect us to be turned on by your ever-expanding beer bellies.... just in case you read me wrong
Well aware of keeping oneself in shape ... but that applies to the ladies too
What about sandals with socks ?/ LOL0 -
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Eve_Dublin wrote: »Indeed. Nice to have a more realistic plot in a television programme watched by millions of women worldwide as opposed to the lies that's been forced-fed to us from a young age. We've been brainwashed, ladies! Have you noticed in your average Hollywood Rom-Com it's the good-looking guy who's the hero/ nice guy and it's the average looking fella who's the sleaze-ball/a-hole, although there's more of a leaning towards having the geeky nice guy as the hit with the ladies...although the women are ALWAYS stunning or have transformed from "geek to chic" (although, lets face it, they were never that geeky to begin with) and THEN get the hot guy. Again, this is not the case in reality. I'm sure that Megan Fox bird can't make you spuirt tea from your nose from laughing too hard at her witty banter (once again...not bitter!)...I know what some guys might say here....:rolleyes:
True enough. Apart from SatC because it was a ball of crap, plus Megan Fox is a fake and not even good looking. But besides that you've got a point.0 -
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willy wonka wrote: »Sorry to rain on people's parade, but there MUST be physical attraction for a relationship to work. It's what seperates platonic relationships from sexual ones.
The point is physical attraction doesn't have to be immediate, but it can grow over time....
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Oh The Humanity wrote: »I dont think a relationship is actually a relationship without physical attraction.
If you are not physically attracted then whats the point. You wont stay together.
What will happen is you will stay with him for a while and try to artificially fake it maybe with slight success but then you will maybe meet someone who has the whole package and realise you are settling.....
Its really doing him no favours either because its giving him false hope.
I think sexual attraction is part of the package and not everything but its a very important part and without it there really is no relationship as such.
So you only take looks into account when choosing someone to date What happens you when you're dating a brad pitt-a-like but he's as boring as chipped plywood, and the sense of humour of an undertaker at a trekkie convention, and then you see someone else who's not quite as good looking or sexually attractive but has the personality, charm, character and sense of humour, would you still feel you're only settling for looks? 0 -
I think you should still give it a bash... you obviously get on really well and there is some attraction there, and i always find the more you know someone and like someone, the more attraction you have
with my otherhalf, he was the complete opposite of what i went for, looks, age, career, everything, and i thought i would give it a short cos what i did go for never worked out for me. I remember saying to friends, he is lovely and everything but i dont know if i fancy him exactly! he is cute, but i dunno. but the more i got to know him and spend time with him, the more i fell in love with him and his looks and everything about him.
Now, i feel like im the luckiest girl alive. I think he is physically gorgeous, he is hilarious, makes me laugh so much and he is so kind and caring to me too. he is everything i was looking for and im so happy i met him. Give him a chance
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So you only take looks into account when choosing someone to date What happens you when you're dating a brad pitt-a-like but he's as boring as chipped plywood, and the sense of humour of an undertaker at a trekkie convention, and then you see someone else who's not quite as good looking or sexually attractive but has the personality, charm, character and sense of humour, would you still feel you're only settling for looks?
Nope. I never mentioned looks at all.
Trying to define what makes a human want to jump another human is impossible. I NEVER pick men for looks by the way. Its personality all the way for me personally.
But if they have a great personality but I am not attracted to them there is no point. Thats a friend not a lover.
Sexual attraction is the chemistry between two people. Its either there or its not. If you don't feel sexually interested in someone then whats the point?0 -
Hi all
Firstly, thanks so much for all the responses, I genuinely didn't expect so many and they are all really helpful - some posters have used the word repulsed.....I am nowhere even near repulsed by him, if this is ever the case then he'll be gone quick as you like, I am a bit puzzled by this relationship but not that puzzled
I think the crux of the problem is that on the surface, he is just the complete opposite of most of the men I have dated previously, they would have been "handsome suits" with all the trappings and what I would have considered as "my type" - this man just isn't even close to that and I'm just overthinking/questioning eveything, to be honest I am really irritating myself with this! The initial meeting was a set up but I came away from our first date thinking "very nice but not for me"....but there was just something about him (v funny txts maybe!) that made me go on a second date....I dunno, maybe it is attraction but just not the kind of immediate physical attraction I've previously experienced? I'm not one to flog a dead horse or anything like it, I would normally be quite decisive, I'm just flummoxed a bit here!
I really like the "slow burner" expression and I think this may be what this is, I am trying to rush it to follow the patterns of other relationships instead of letting it find it's own way and just enjoying it for what it is - if it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out, it's no biggie! Physically, although we are taking things slowly, we have done "stuff" and it was all good, very good in fact, so I reckon you (I) can't argue with that. He's away at the moment and every time my txt msg pings, I want it to be from him, it usually is and I'm inevitably giggling like a loon and replying straight away........I think because of the warm and fuzzy feeling I get from thinking about him, I expect to want to jump on him when I see him and over react when I don't and worry is it destined to be like this all the time....again with the overthinking!!
Thanks again for all the replies, I will definitely not be ending things with him in the foreseeable future,
J.0 -
Oh The Humanity wrote: »Nope. I never mentioned looks at all.
Trying to define what makes a human want to jump another human is impossible. I NEVER pick men for looks by the way. Its personality all the way for me personally.But if they have a great personality but I am not attracted to them there is no point. Thats a friend not a lover.
Sexual attraction is the chemistry between two people. Its either there or its not. If you don't feel sexually interested in someone then whats the point?
I was friends with my OH for a few months before we started dating so to speak, during that time as friends I wasn't ready to 'jump' her. It was only later when I grew to want more than friendship that I thought to myself... yeah, I would! 0 -
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Sorry to tell you hun but think looks dont matter in this case, warm fuzzy feelings and everything going great in the "stuff" department and wanting to talk to him, sounds like you answered your own questions!
I never really had a type but if a guy is confident, makes me laugh, and makes me feel like the most beautiful person he knows then I know I'm onto a keeper (I'm very lucky that I'm with a guy like that) Sounds like you have the same so if you are having fun don't worry about attraction, keep on doing what you are doing cos it all sounds good! Im so jealous you are in the honeymoon period by the way, sigh! 0 -
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sunflower27 wrote: »That was so lovely to read. All the best with it
+1
I found myself leaning my head to the right and saying Awwwhhhh.....
Good luck Julietta,hope it works out for you, and him.0 -
sunflower27 wrote: »That was so lovely to read. All the best with it
Fair play for giving it a shot. I read your post and didn't think, jaysus, she should dump that fella. There's posts on PI all the time from lads and ladies who feel nothing sexual for the OHs and I'd always advice them to leave the relationship instead of wasting both their time. If I felt there was no chance for both of you and that your post rang alarm bells, then I would honestly tell you to leave it but from what you wrote, there's SOMETHING there.
As long as your honest with yourself, you should have no problem. Let the gut guide you, OP.
The guys you went for in the past didn't work out for you obviously...maybe it's time to give a different type a shot now. Good luck.0 -
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