Self sabotage

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I've had this problem for a while now.And most days I can go on with things,but there's days when it can get me down.

Basically I'm going around in a viscious circle,and I need to fix/change something so I can stop sabotaging myself&happiness =(

Wow,where to begin.
I have always been self concious about my weight,and secretly wondered did my boyfriends think I was fat.

I had tiny ocasions of starving myself when I was younger,but it never got serious.I only did it about twice,and they only lasted about a week each time.
However,over a year ago I got fairly bad.I would starve myself completely for 3days,eat on the fourth day,but that would still be very little.I guess you could say I became obssesed with counting calories,and how much exercise I would have to do to burn it off,alot of the time I purposly burned more than I had consumed.
I would be so weak,and tired,and nearly fainted when I stood up,but inside I felt great,because it was this achivement.

I met a great guy inbetween while I was going through this,but I never told him anything.
I'm sure he might have noticed that he never saw me eat.I wanted to tell him,I guess because I wanted to explain why I might seem distant with him in intimate ways,and maybe so he might have been able to help me.But I just couldnt,I wrote a letter and was gonna give it to him but I didn't have the guts.
So instead,I broke up with him.And to this day he doesn't know a thing about my mindset at that time.Which is really upseting as I really cared for him,but I culdn't get past my insecuritites,I couldn't comprehend how he could like me so much and want to me with me,because in my mind I was a mess basically.

So I through away something that could have been great,and I'll always regret that.
Also I had friends that had the similar eating habits as me,so in a way I guess that didn't help me either.We actually don't talk anymore because of a misunderstanding.One of them had it bad,and when I showed concern she told me she felt I thought she was disguisting (honestly don't know where she got that idea) so then I left it go,but still tried to keep an eye on her and make sure she was ok,and when I did that she thought I didn't care because I wasn't at her and at her,so I couldn't win.It was all a big mess.And they just stopped talking to me after that.(and all the bitching they did at me too ofcourse)

After that happened I was still with my boyfriend,but when we broke up,you can imagine how lonely and crap I felt.I have since made some new friends and am happier,but it still really gets me down at times when I think about it and despite people telling me I am fine,I still desperatly want to lose more weight,and feel I will never be happy untill I do.I still starve myself sometimes,and get really angry if I eat too much.

Thank you to anyone who has read all of this.
I'd really apprcieate some advice,and sorry to dishearten you with my troubles =(

Mr Benevolent

I'll be blunt. Guys don't care about a woman's weight. If you care about your weight, that's fine. We don't worry about such trivial (to us) things.

Next time tell the guy what you're thinking. We're not mindreaders, but contrary to popular belief we do care about our girlfriends enough to listen to their problems. Naturally we'll expect reciprocation, but the concept is sound.

LegacyUser

Confab wrote: »

I'll be blunt. Guys don't care about a woman's weight. If you care about your weight, that's fine. We don't worry about such trivial things.

Next time tell the guy what you're thinking. We're not mindreaders.

Well I wouldn't say that, that is simply not true. Guys like a woman to be healthy and a person who is skinny and starved is not healthy (same way an obese person is not healthy). When you starve yourself you are actually slowing down your bodys metabolism (the rate at which your body burns food for energy). Your body reacts to this shortage of food by trying to conserve as much energy and calories as possible and slows your metabolic rate. Slow metabolism is not a good thing because when you eat normally then again your body will be more inclined to store these extra calories as fat. By starving yourself you are setting up your body to store calories as fat.So the healthiest thing you can do if you want a nice healthy attractive body is to combine a healthy well balanced diet with some regular exercise. You will postively radiate good health, skin, hair all of those things which will turn male heads much more than a starved, thin unhealthy look.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Most women are conscious or unhappy about their bodies at some stage, the important thing is to not let things get out of control. Why don't you give yourself an exercise plan tht you stick to that is not excessive but will still keep you fit and make you feel good. Running for 30 minutes 3-4 times a week should be enough and you will feel great and look great. Please don't let this calorie counting take over, its not normal or sustainable.

Healthy eating 3 meals per day, healthy snacks, moderate exercise and other distractons are a good idea. I bet your not fat at all but you might be insecure or unhappy about something else outside of your control. Take care of yourself because you already know that this behaviour is abusing your body. You are lucky enough not be ill so you should be very grateful that you are healthy and not do anything to jeopradise that. I wish you all the best. To the other poster... Its great that men don't think too much about womens weight... If only we could be convinced of this.

Taltos

I am with Confab on this.

As a guy I just really love my OH. Slim, fat - I really do not care - what I do care about is that she is Healthy - I want to have a long life with her...

But - her constant self-doubt and self-hate (strong word but not sure what else to use here) - these do pull me down. She still to this day cannot believe that anyone would find her attractive - guess you can imagine how that makes me feel.
Even when we are out - she never ever sees anyone checking her out.

I really do hope that you can move past this and I am thrilled that you have made this huge step in voicing your concerns and fears here.
One thing that might help - but I am only guessing here - would be to take the time to write out a letter to your ex - let it come from your heart - explain in it everything you ever wanted to tell him.

Now - what to do with this.
You do not have to post it to him - you could - and I know if I was him I would really like to know what went wrong - he could be convinced right now that it was all his fault.
Or you could just burn it and imagine all the pain from that time going up in flames with the letter.
Or - you could bring it with you to a professional counsellor who deals in eating disorders.

As I said - you have made a huge step by writing down the post above - don't forget that. All you can do is your best on a day to day basis. Some days you will have bad days and some days brilliant days. On the bad days though - just think how strong you are and think how courageous you were on the day you posted above.

Mr Benevolent

But - her constant self-doubt and self-hate (strong word but not sure what else to use here) - these do pull me down. She still to this day cannot believe that anyone would find her attractive - guess you can imagine how that makes me feel.

Read and absorb ladies... selfconfidence in a woman is far more attractive to us then appearance. Stop reading Cosmo and watching E! Accept your partner's love and accept that they find you attractive. Not accepting it really pisses us off.

shellyboo

Quite alarmed that nobody's addressed the fact that this girl has more serious problems than upsetting men with her obsession - she's got an eating disorder.

OP, you really need to tell a doctor what you've been doing and get some counselling. What you're doing - starving yourself, hating yourself - is by no means normal, and you should really get some help in order to feel happy in yourself. Once you've done that, you can start thinking about a relationship.... but work on yourself first. Stop worrying about what others will think and put yourself first... you need to look after your health.

Please look into getting some help. A good place to start is Bodywhys - they'll be able to point you in the right direction.

Mr Benevolent

this girl has more serious problems than upsetting men with her obsession - she's got an eating disorder.

Naturally. I assumed by the way the OP was talking that she knew this already.

shellyboo

Confab wrote: »

Naturally. I assumed by the way the OP was talking that she knew this already.

Clearly not if she desperately wants to lose more weight and is still starving herself.

Das Kitty

OP, please please see someone about this. I don't even know you but am very worried for you.

It's actually a good thing that you don't see your friends with the same problems any more you were just bolstering each other and making each other feel normal.

You'll never let anyone love you until you can love yourself.

xxx

Miss Fluff

This eating disorder has effected relationships and friendships thusfar and if you want to live a happy fulfilled life with happy fulfilling relationships then this is an illness that needs to be addressed sharpish. Bodywhys should be your first step OP or else talk to your GP. By starving yourself for prolonged periods like this you risk brittle bones, organ failure, hirsutism and infertility amongst numerous other horrific illnesses. Get some help.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you all so much for your comments!=)

Miss Fluff wrote: »

By starving yourself for prolonged periods like this you risk brittle bones, organ failure, hirsutism and infertility amongst numerous other horrific illnesses. Get some help.

Yea =( for a time my periods were nearly non-existent =S that did worry me.Thankfully they are normal now.

I have just looked up bodywhys,and it looks helpful,thank you all!=)
I have been meaning to look into seeing someone for a while,but didn't know how to kind of go about it.Does anybody know if psychologists are covered on the medical card?

I know I should get help,but in a way it's kind of hard,because although I know it's wrong and selish or whatever,I don't want to stop.As strange as it sounds,it kind of empowers you.There's a saying that says "people who don't have an eating disorder will never understand"

I lost over two stone while going through my strongest part of my eating disorder,and feel I need to lose more as I am not as thin as I would like to be.My goal is 8-9stone,which I was at one time in my life.(I gained weight due to family troubles at the time etc.)But hopefully I can do this with a healthier diet and exercise plan as ye have suggested!

LegacyUser

Das Kitty wrote: »

It's actually a good thing that you don't see your friends with the same problems any more you were just bolstering each other and making each other feel normal.

Your right,that's exactly what we were doing =S...I do miss the good times we had before all this stuff happened though...and hate that I have to avoid them now >=(

Das Kitty wrote: »

You'll never let anyone love you until you can love yourself.xxx.

That's so true...now I just have to learn how!

Das Kitty wrote: »

OP, please please see someone about this. I don't even know you but am very worried for you. .

I'll be fine hun,thank you a lot for your advice!I will look into seeing someone about this.Only 3 of my friends that I know I can trust know about it,to everyone else I've had to keep it a secret,so it would be nice to talk things through with someone non-judgemental