Post break up..getting some stuff back.advice needed.

LegacyUser

Hi all
I have a few threads here on a recent break up ( ye have all helped enormously thank you..) but now to sort things out..

Basically I moved in with her into her rented house and over the last few months I moved LOTS of my stuff to her house and another house she has ( as my stuff was better than what was there..)...she helped and encouraged as we were to buy a house together and live happily ever after...then wham .. she suddenly didnt want me anymore..

So its over..6 odd weeks now and Im almost recovered but....

I did take most of stuf but still left there are such things are my fridge, my washing machine, my TV, my kettle, microwave, duvets etc etc etc

She did mention in a previous wee split way back that she would pay me for my stuff..

I now find myself having to buy all this stuff again...how should I play this?
Should I text / mail and ask for payment?? we havent spoken in weeks...

Advice please...

Mr Benevolent

Show up and take your stuff. It's yours.

LegacyUser

Confab wrote: »

Show up and take your stuff. It's yours.

OP again
Can't .. it would be too painful to see her again...I'm still in love with her and just need to stay away...she did and said some awful things in the break up...it's been a very difficult few weeks for me..

I dont really want my fridge etc back but feel I should be paid for them...she has really fcuked me up..

Wibbs

I'm with ConFab on this one. Well it's kinda your only choice if you want your stuff back and you should want and get it back IMHO. There's a fair whack of money in the items you describe. You had to work for that and spend your time doing so. Why should she be the one to take advantage of that?

OK I get that you've had a hard time emotionally and that's natural, but I would see this as a way to reassert yourself for yourself. Be proactive. If not chances are she won't bring it up again. Naturally as it would mean she would have to go out and restock out of her own pocket. Sod that. The second the split happened she lost all rights to share your property(and vice versa).

Try and organise a few mates to help you transport the stuff. Ring her to let her know you're collecting your stuff. Do not get into any emotional guff, especially if she tries to pull the poor mouth with you.

It may well freak you out at the time but you'll be glad you did it afterwards.

Mr Benevolent

If it was that bad she won't pay you for them. I had a similar experience - due to a lot of mixed emotions I ended up paying her for something she gave me a present of.

Just get the damned stuff or forget about it. She won't pay you for anything. Alternatively she'll promise to pay then 'forget' about it... it'll drag on for months, feeding more resentment... you get the picture. Get or forget.

Johnnnybravo

Been through this, have no doubts about it, it will be horrible but if you dont you will be kicking yourself down the line.

Get a mate to go with you to give you a hand, just go over there, say your there to get your stuff and just take it. That stuff will cost an awful lot to replace and why should you when you bought it all once already. If she has any bit of decency she will let you just take it.

Do not be fobbed off with the I`ll pay you line, as I said Ive been there and of course emotions are running high but Id have to say and I dont know the girl thats theres a 90% chance you wont see a penny,you`l probably be as I was too too nice to hound her for the money. Plus if she is on about paying no doubt itd be dribs and drabs as she has it, sorry but shops dont accept that line so why should you.

Just go round as soon as you can and get the stuff.

messygirl

I would give her warning, "im moving into a new place and need my stuff, I'll be over wednesday to collect it. my mates coming to help me move it" and then show up (preferably with a mate who hates her and she hates so she wont stick around! evil i know) If she hides things show up again unannounced. If you have to there is the small claims court, but its your stuff. good luck!

LegacyUser

OP here
Thanks guys for replies but I really cant do the turning up bit..No way I can see her again...its taken me ages to get to a point where I sleep again...not going back to that dark place by seeing her again...

What if I just send a friend over?

I dont really want all the stuff back...there is some clothes I do want and some of my daughter's stuff too...Id rather get some sort of a token payment for the big goods to acknowledge that it was mine and that she totally fcuked me up....

Should I start with mail / text..I really cant speak to her...

Mr Benevolent

If it was that bad she's definitely not going to pay you man. Forget about it.

jellie

you could send a friend. text/ring her & inform her you want your stuff and X will be in contact to arrange a time that suits her to collect it.

Wibbs

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here
Thanks guys for replies but I really cant do the turning up bit..No way I can see her again...its taken me ages to get to a point where I sleep again...not going back to that dark place by seeing her again...

Pity, but that's the place you're in at the moment. Personally the anger for me would kick in.

What if I just send a friend over?

It's an option, but a bit wishy washy TBH and I would not be surprised if she uses that as an excuse not to sort it out.

I dont really want all the stuff back...there is some clothes I do want and some of my daughter's stuff too..

Your daughters stuff? Eh no, I would defo swallow my pride, grab my nuts with both hands and march over and no mistake.

Id rather get some sort of a token payment for the big goods to acknowledge that it was mine and that she totally fcuked me up....

No offence and maybe I'm a tad unreconstructed male here, but sod "tokens" and sod letting her know she fcuked you up. Who cares? I mean why are you even bothering to try and score points with this person? You're not 15. Seriously, you need to face this and stand up for yourself and I have to say grow a spine. You'll feel a whole lot better as a man if you do. The time for "sensitive" has passed. IMHO it's no longer a question of the stuff, it's a question of your self esteem and pride and a need to assert yourself. If you don't she won't be the last woman(or man) who will see this as a weakness and exploit it. Without being boorish about it you should stand up for yourself, suck it up emotion wise and make a bloody stand.

Should I start with mail / text..I really cant speak to her..

TBH I wouldn't bother, because if you've made up your mind that you can't speak to her, then what is the point really? I would suspect if she replies she'll just put this on the long finger and drag it out anyway.

Basically stand up and be counted, or just write it all off including your own daughters stuff.

That's my take anyway.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

Pity, but that's the place you're in at the moment. Personally the anger for me would kick in.

It's an option, but a bit wishy washy TBH and I would not be surprised if she uses that as an excuse not to sort it out.

Your daughters stuff? Eh no, I would defo swallow my pride, grab my nuts with both hands and march over and no mistake. No offence and maybe I'm a tad unreconstructed male here, but sod "tokens" and sod letting her know she fcuked you up. Who cares? I mean why are you even bothering to try and score points with this person? You're not 15. Seriously, you need to face this and stand up for yourself and I have to say grow a spine. You'll feel a whole lot better as a man if you do. The time for "sensitive" has passed. IMHO it's no longer a question of the stuff, it's a question of your self esteem and pride and a need to assert yourself. If you don't she won't be the last woman(or man) who will see this as a weakness and exploit it. Without being boorish about it you should stand up for yourself, suck it up emotion wise and make a bloody stand.

TBH I wouldn't bother, because if you've made up your mind that you can't speak to her, then what is the point really? I would suspect if she replies she'll just put this on the long finger and drag it out anyway.

Basically stand up and be counted, or just write it all off including your own daughters stuff.

That's my take anyway.

Op again..

Thanks Wibbs..yeah thats been my problem all along with her..letting her wear the trousers (if you understand..) and not asserting myself...
perhaps it is indeed time to 'make a stand' ... just need to figure out the best way now ;-)

Recon

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again..

Thanks Wibbs..yeah thats been my problem all along with her..letting her wear the trousers (if you understand..) and not asserting myself...
perhaps it is indeed time to 'make a stand' ... just need to figure out the best way now ;-)

As others have mentioned already, bring a friend. I did that for a friend of mine a few years ago. Went in, got his stuff, loaded it into my car and off we went. In and out in less than 10 minutes. Be angry for those 10 minutes, it'll help you not to break down. You can cry in the car on the way home, no shame in that.

Gyalist

Unregistered wrote: »

Op again..

Thanks Wibbs..yeah thats been my problem all along with her..letting her wear the trousers (if you understand..) and not asserting myself...
perhaps it is indeed time to 'make a stand' ... just need to figure out the best way now ;-)

As perverse as it may now seem, showing some backbone may make you attractive to her once more.

At this stage it's all about your self-respect. Go with a friend if you need the support and collect everything that belongs to you and your daughter.

LegacyUser

Gyalist wrote: »

As perverse as it may now seem, showing some backbone may make you attractive to her once more.

At this stage it's all about your self-respect. Go with a friend if you need the support and collect everything that belongs to you and your daughter.

OP here..
LOL

Sorry that made me smile...certainly dont want her finding me attractive again...not going back there agin ;-)

But yes self respect is important....I shall arrange over weekend...

the_syco

messygirl wrote: »

If you have to there is the small claims court, but its your stuff.

FYI: SCC won't help you. SCC is only for suing a business.

=-=

IMO, buy a Hatebreed (I recommend "Perseverance" for this sort of trip), RATM, or a Pantera CD, listen to it on the way over with a friend. She sounds like a b|tch, so there'll be bound to be a few of your mates who dislike her.

You can forget about the fridge, the TV, etc, but not your daughters stuff.

And you know what? Once you get your stuff back you'll feel damn good. Why? Because there'll be no link between you. Until you get all your stuff back, you still have a link with her.

As for her paying you a "token", she could pay you a tenner, and that'd be it. No comeback. F**k that.

You know that until you man up, and get the stuff, it'll torment the back of your mind for a very long time.

Escapism

Hey OP .... arm yourself with your friends and get over there and get your (& your daughters stuff) ... LIKE HELL I would leave it with her after all she's put you through. Take courage knowing others have been in the same (similar) situation and look we're all ON BOARDS lol ... so go for it and we'll all be here to hear the victory story. Bonne Chance Amigo

Tar.Aldarion

When I was moving out like this years ago, the girl kept some of my dvds and didn't pay her share of the last bills so only like 100E, because I just asked via text. You gotta go there and get your stuff, give her warning.

havana

I think i'm going to be the only one not agreeing with all the above. If It's too hard to even talk to her then i'd just leave it and move on. My ex had some brand new, still boxed furniture of mine. The stress of getting it back and have to speak to him was just not worth it- though for different reasons to you, i hate, not love him. He also owes of a LOT of money- a high 5 figure sum. But for my sanity and well being i'm going to walk away and write it off for now. Maybe i will rethink it some day, but for now my mental health is more important.

Good luck whatever you decide

LegacyUser

havana wrote: »

I think i'm going to be the only one not agreeing with all the above. If It's too hard to even talk to her then i'd just leave it and move on. My ex had some brand new, still boxed furniture of mine. The stress of getting it back and have to speak to him was just not worth it- though for different reasons to you, i hate, not love him. He also owes of a LOT of money- a high 5 figure sum. But for my sanity and well being i'm going to walk away and write it off for now. Maybe i will rethink it some day, but for now my mental health is more important.

Good luck whatever you decide

OP here..

yes I hear you..been sat here today trying to figure out how I could approach this..and have failed with an answer..

There is some good clothes I want back and will arrange..the reat I dont know...

We had also just returned from a Euro holiday when all this happened..all the holiday costs went on my card..she was to pay half..guess I will have to write that off too..an not inconsiderable sum too...

Cheers

rustynutz

Unregistered wrote: »

OP here..

yes I hear you..been sat here today trying to figure out how I could approach this..and have failed with an answer..

There is some good clothes I want back and will arrange..the reat I dont know...

We had also just returned from a Euro holiday when all this happened..all the holiday costs went on my card..she was to pay half..guess I will have to write that off too..an not inconsiderable sum too...

Cheers

Sorry to be the one to have to say this but.....grow a pair of balls and get over there and pick up your stuff,bring a friend,two if you have too but just do it,you will feel a lot better after it if even just to take some of the power off her.

And like someone mentioned above she may even respect you for it.Right now you seem to be taking all the pain while she is there sipping beer out of your fridge watchin your tv.....do it man and let us know how you
get on!

MissyN

Hey Op

I sympathise with you. I know you're in a very tough situation right now.
I think the main thing you want to do is have the bare minimum contact with her and I'm kinda tempted to say just move on and forget about your stuff but since she has a LOT of your stuff I think you need to get it back and tbh SHE should have already suggested you coming to pick it all up if she was anyway decent (you may still have feelings for her so don't want to offend you there).

So I'd say send a quick email to her, very matter of fact and to the point and give her a choice of a few days and times to go to her house and then get a couple of your mates to pick up your stuff. You should not go yourself, that would be way too hard on you and you're still not in a good frame of mind to see her.

The idea of her paying you could be messy and could get into mails or texts back and forth and that'll just wreck your head.

But do prepare yourself for a bit of bull from her. You say she f*cked you up so she mite try to push you a bit.

Goodluck

Firetrap

You need to get your stuff out of there as soon as you can while things are reasonably good between you. These amicable type separations can unexpectedly turn nasty and the first casualty will be your stuff. Get a friend to go with you if you need some help

Munster_Gal

You need to just go in there and get your stuff back!
And get your money back as well.
I know that it's painful but why should you lose out on all that stuff??
Get some friends together, pick an evening, tell her that you're coming to collect all your stuff and if she wants to keep it then tell her how much you expect to get for it!

LegacyUser

bad times OP,
if i were u i would text her, say "meself and me mate joe soap are calling over to collect my stuff. i would appriciate it if u left the keys under a rock beside the entrance. ill text you when we are finished."
i know u may be within two minds about picking it up, but say if it were a million quid sitting in the house,wouldnt you go straight round and say im taking the million quid, its mine, fair and square,tough ****.
you were willing to share your belongings with were when ye were together, ye are not together, that was her choice, so you are more than entitled to get whats yours.she would do the same to you.

best of luck

LegacyUser

OP here..

Well I emailed her seeking to get my clothes etc back and mentioned that the other stuff (my fridge, kettle, Tv etc etc ) was not in fact hers..

The answer??

Well a wee back ground first...... I had been paying her €200 per week towards the rent whilst there..also buying shopping, paying for other stuff etc

I was told in email response to my mail that the €200 was a mere pittance towards what I would pay to rent a place of my own..email reply also stated that I was a 'nasty man' and that I could 'go fcuk off'...

Speaks volumes really..

Further mail from her yet again accused me of damaging her property down the country...someone superglued front door lock on her house and she blamed me..totally untrue. I could never do such a thing..

At this stage I couldnt be bothered..I have had one lucky escape...


Should I even mail back and defend myself against the damage accusations???

Gyalist

My advice to you was to go and collect your belongings. You chose instead to attempt to negotiate with her. Either man up and collect your belongings or write it off as an expensive life-lesson learnt.

reprazant

Honestly, without souding harsh, seriously grow a pair.

She is taking for for a ride.

Defend yourself agaisnt her accusations while also stating that you are taking your stuff back. She thought that she would get to keep it all and now that she can't she is being thick about it.

If she still plays hard to get, get a solictors lettter.

You seem to be accepting defeat before it has even happened.

LegacyUser

Op here
Thanks Guys but to be honest it's not worth the stress...I need to forget her as quickly as possible..before Im seriously damaged...she's a dangerous peice of work and I have had a LUCKY escape..
I will mail her to defend against accusations and get a friend to collect my clothes etc..

The other stuff she can keep and I curse it :-)

Thanks all.....

MissyN

I think you're right OP, just leave it. You'd only be getting yourself all upset and she's turned nasty very quickly with the name calling and telling you to fcuk off (both of these actions are the lowest of the low in my book).

Its all well and good people saying on here to grow a pair etc etc but you have to deal with this in your heart and your head and its better for you to just get it over with. She seems vile actually so the quicker you have nothing to do with her the better.

I wouldn't even reply to her mails if I were you cos she could get worse with you and reply with more nonsense. Theres more dignity is backing out now and leave her be. You being reserved isn't cowardly, its having some self respect. Take care.

LegacyUser

MissyN wrote: »

I think you're right OP, just leave it. You'd only be getting yourself all upset and she's turned nasty very quickly with the name calling and telling you to fcuk off (both of these actions are the lowest of the low in my book).

Its all well and good people saying on here to grow a pair etc etc but you have to deal with this in your heart and your head and its better for you to just get it over with. She seems vile actually so the quicker you have nothing to do with her the better.

I wouldn't even reply to her mails if I were you cos she could get worse with you and reply with more nonsense. Theres more dignity is backing out now and leave her be. You being reserved isn't cowardly, its having some self respect. Take care.

Thank you MissyN...vile is indeed a good word..oh isn't love blind....

I agree .. another mail from me will only spur more venom from her so best if I just count my blessing, learn my lesson and move on as quickly as possible..

Only problem now is that this whole saga has tarnished my opinion of women .. if she (whom I loved dearly..) could be like this (and the fact I got it all so so wrong..) who's to say my current or next will not turn out to be similiar...oh well..

Thanks all

reprazant

She may be vile but now she has a new fridge, new washing machine, new TV, new kettle, new microwave, new duvets etc etc etc and you are letting her away with it.

Make a list of all she has which is yours, send her a solicitors letter and then get a friend to collect it all.

Simple. You do not have to talk to her. She is only being so aggresive because she thinks she can get to keep all YOUR stuff. Do not let her.

She has broken your heart, do not let her break your savings either.

LegacyUser

Op again..

Let's see ..
Second hand fridge freezer €300
second hand micro wave €100
second hand 32" TV €300
kettle duvets other stuff say €300

Total €1000


My piece of mind and sanity .........PRICELESS....

This latest goings on has FINALLY gotten me over her..she just fcuked me about and I'm now going to concentrate all my energies on my new gf..

Does upset me though that I'm being tarnished with causing damage to her property...

Thanks all...