What to do about an STI and my boyfriend?

LegacyUser

Recently discovered I have HPV. I am in a relationship , but didnt get the infection from him. I am unsure how to tell him. Can we continue to have a sexual relationship? i feel guilty. Should i just break up with to protect him? I can't sleep over this and am getting depressed.

Sinall

You have to tell him. There is no reason why you should break up over it. A couple I know realised about 2 years into their relationship that they had chlamydia - they didn't know who had infected the other, but both got treatment, abstained for the proper period (so they didn't reinfect each other) and carried on with their relationship.

You are lucky that you found out. I don't know much about HPV I'm afraid, but you should tell him, so that he can get treated. Breaking up with him to protect him is not much good if he has already contracted it from you. Tell him in a matter of fact way and go from there.

nedd

Did you get the infection from someone else while in your current relationship?

Either way you need to tell him.

I_am_Jebus

What strain of HPV is it?

If it is one of the high risk ones and you have been diagnosed as having this as part of a cervical scan then you could have picked it up any time in your sexual life (including your first sexual experience). So there is no need to be fearful of telling your bf. High risk strains of HPV often take a long time to make changes to the cells in the cervix

If it is the wart causing kind of HPV, you NEED to tell your boyfriend because he is at risk of contracting it also (if he hasn't already) and he needs to keep an eye on himself.

So basically, yes you must tell him. If you haven't cheated, you have nothing to worry about at all.

LegacyUser

Sinall wrote: »

You have to tell him. There is no reason why you should break up over it. A couple I know realised about 2 years into their relationship that they had chlamydia - they didn't know who had infected the other, but both got treatment, abstained for the proper period (so they didn't reinfect each other) and carried on with their relationship.

You are lucky that you found out. I don't know much about HPV I'm afraid, but you should tell him, so that he can get treated. Breaking up with him to protect him is not much good if he has already contracted it from you. Tell him in a matter of fact way and go from there.

well HPV and chlamidia are a bit different. HPV cant be treated unfortunately. you maybe lucky enough it will leave you alone for a few months, but at least in my case its always comes back. Like a boomerang.

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

well HPV and chlamidia are a bit different. HPV cant be treated unfortunately. you maybe lucky enough it will leave you alone for a few months, but at least in my case its always comes back. Like a boomerang.

Was giving an example of people I know who have encountered STI's in their relationship to show that it doesn't mean the relationship has to end. You can get past this as a couple if you both want to. You're right that chlamydia seems to be more easily treatable.

Just looked up some stuff on HPV - it seems there are different strains, eg ones that might cause cancer, or ones that cause genital warts etc.

If you refer to it "coming back" then are saying you have genital warts? Your boyfriend would most likely notice that. I could be wrong, but I think using condoms is not even entirely effective against HPV? You can't keep him in the dark about it, he has a right to know.

I know the thought of telling him must be very hard and I sympathise, but it does have to be done.

I_am_Jebus

Sinall wrote: »

Was giving an example of people I know who have encountered STI's in their relationship to show that it doesn't mean the relationship has to end. You can get past this as a couple if you both want to. You're right that chlamydia seems to be more easily treatable.

Just looked up some stuff on HPV - it seems there are different strains, eg ones that might cause cancer, or ones that cause genital warts etc.

If you refer to it "coming back" then are saying you have genital warts? Your boyfriend would most likely notice that. I could be wrong, but I think using condoms is not even entirely effective against HPV? You can't keep him in the dark about it, he has a right to know.

I know the thought of telling him must be very hard and I sympathise, but it does have to be done.

You're right, Condoms are not 100% protective against HPV. Although I widely see it published (reliable sources) that they are between 70-90% effective if the condom is used consistently and correctly. I would probably err on the side of caution and say its closer to 70%.

The thing is though, if the OP has the Genital Wart HPV Strain and has had it for awhile then it is likely that she has already passed it on to her bf. It's not just transmittable when warts are actually present, although for obvious reasons tranmission is much more likely while warts are present.

On the positive side, not everyone who contracts HPV actually goes on to suffer from warts. And for most people, their immune system deals witht the virus rather quickly and clears the virus within 12 months - without treatment. It is very unusual (especially with treatment) to have warts reappearing on long term basis (years). So if the OP has warts I find this odd and think she should seek a second opinion (depending entirely on how long she has had the warts).

unfortunately, there are a lot of reliable conflicting studies in relation to HPV and how it works but it seems that there is at least a growing assertion in the medical field that once the body deals with the virus and no warts reappear for 6 months then the person is deemed to have had the virus erradicated and is no longer infectious.

It is difficult to advise the OP without knowing more detail but one thing that remains certain is that communication is key and she most definitely should inform her boyfriend of the situation. I suspect he has possibly been exposed to HPV already, unless the OP has recenty "played away".

Most importantly, advice here is just for info purposes and the OP and anyone else should and must only make decisions regarding their health with the guidance of a suitably qualified practioner/specialist.

I_am_Jebus

Unregistered wrote: »

well HPV and chlamidia are a bit different. HPV cant be treated unfortunately. you maybe lucky enough it will leave you alone for a few months, but at least in my case its always comes back. Like a boomerang.

HPV (assuming you mean the warts strain(s)) should not keep coming back over a long period of time.

it is treatable and there are a number of options. Not every option is suitable for all people though so you need to explore all available ones with your healthcare advisor.

If you have been diagnosed with HPV Warts and treatment has not been successful and warts continue to come back particular if it 18-24 months after initial diagnosis you should seek a second opinion, they may not be warts. Most diagnosis are made solely on the basis of physical inspection which is not always correct.

I advise a further consultation with your healthcare assistant and a new one also.

Adamisconfused

I agree with the poster above. You should chat to your doctor about it. There are several different strains and many people are infected with one or the other, but your boyfriend still has every right to know. Ask yourself whether or not you would want to know if he had something.
Perhaps both of you should take a trip to the GP to discuss any ramifications for him. If he hasn’t already caught it then I doubt he has any desire to infect future partners.

Novella

Firstly, that is a very hard situation you are in and I sympathise with you.

I definitely don't think you should simply break up with your bf because of this. I understand that you are very worried about telling him but he really does need to know as it is something that can and will affect him also. Sit him down and explain to him the situation. If you have been having unprotected sex, actually sex in general, he should see a doctor to find out if he is infected too. I recommend that you see a doctor yourself because even though you have a diagnosis, you say that you are feeling depressed and this is very common in the aftermath so perhaps you need to talk to somebody about that.

Best of luck and chin up.

I_am_Jebus

In the absence of symptoms a doctor cannot do much for the boyfriend. Perhaps, as an information gathering exercise he could attend the doctor with his Girlfriend.

I agree that the presence of a wart(s) - if that's what the OP has (and I am not sure if this has been clarified yet) should not be reason enough in itself for her to break up with her bf. (I am not sure if the OP and post #5 are the same person).

What kind of worries me though is that the OP says she feels guilty. I don't know what this refers to. Is it guilt that:
1. She has an STI and may infect or has infected her bf
2. She knew she had an STI and didn't tell her bf and he may now have been exposed.
3. Did she cheat and get infected.

Obviously, if she cheated then the breaking up thing is not solely on the basis of an STI. Without other details only she can say for sure. It could even be a possibility that the bf (unkowingly) infected her.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

My doctor found a tiny genital wart during a routine smear test back in February when i was only with my current boyfriend afew months, i ignored him for a day (as i was terrified) and eventually met with him and told him about it. He was totally ok with the whole thing because realistically you'll never know when or which partner you contracted it from. For all you know, your current boyf could have given it to you. Only one wart appeared on me and its nearly gone now,but the funny thing is my boyfriend has never shown any symptoms of HPV, so he might never actually get any warts but he still carries the virus.

i know its a horrible thing to go through, i felt dirty and to this day have told no one but my boyfriend but as a previous poster said, its not the worst STD you can contract.

Best of Luck

I_am_Jebus

Unregistered wrote: »

Hey OP

My doctor found a tiny genital wart during a routine smear test back in February when i was only with my current boyfriend afew months, i ignored him for a day (as i was terrified) and eventually met with him and told him about it. He was totally ok with the whole thing because realistically you'll never know when or which partner you contracted it from. For all you know, your current boyf could have given it to you. Only one wart appeared on me and its nearly gone now,but the funny thing is my boyfriend has never shown any symptoms of HPV, so he might never actually get any warts but he still carries the virus.

i know its a horrible thing to go through, i felt dirty and to this day have told no one but my boyfriend but as a previous poster said, its not the worst STD you can contract.

Best of Luck

+1 million

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Recently discovered I have HPV. I am in a relationship , but didnt get the infection from him. I am unsure how to tell him. Can we continue to have a sexual relationship? i feel guilty. Should i just break up with to protect him? I can't sleep over this and am getting depressed.

I totally feel for you. I've been there and it's terrifying.

When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted and as a result I contracted genital warts. I was a virgin before that so there was no possibility of it coming from a partner. I was 6 months into my first relationship when the first couple of warts appeared. I hadn't had sex with him at that stage. I got myself checked out and the lady in the Well Woman Clinic confirmed it was genital warts. I was devastated. I told him and he took it fairly well considering how young we both were. There was one conversation where he told me that we couldnt ever break up. As he put it "nobody else will have you because of what you have". It wasn't intended to be hurtful but it showed me that it was on his mind. For me, he might aswell have told me I was damaged goods. We had a relationship for 2 years altogether and it ended for other reasons.

Now don't let that dishearten you though, we were very young and neither of us knew a whole lot about HPV and genital warts. The second struggle for me came when I met my current partner. I hadn't had another relationship since the first one ended. I had been sexually active and as careful as possible. I had undergone treatment and the warts disappeared but the doctor told me that there is no cure for the virus and that I need to keep myself healthy and my immune system strong to make sure the warts don't reappear. She said during extreme stress and also pregnancy, they can come back. Now, I met this new guy and I was absolutely mad about him. We had a long distance relationship at the beginning so sex wasn't going to happen at that time. I was so frightened about telling him. I thought he'd view me as damaged goods or see me as disgusting, I felt guilty that I might possibly infect him and I felt so ashamed that I had it. I also hadn't told him about the rape yet and although I'd had sexual encounters before him I hadn't let anyone get close. I knew he was different and I knew I had to tell him. It happened after a little bit of dutch courage, which I wouldn't recommend as I got very emotional. I told him everything and he reassured me that he didn't care and that neither the rape nor the consequences defined me. He also told me he loved me for the first time that night. We're still together over 4 years later and it's never been an issue. It's not something we ignore and we're always careful but it hasn't affected our relationship in any negative way. If anything it brought us closer.

You need to tell him. Its an emotional experience to suffer through and you'll need his support when you have treatment. I had cryotherapy which was painful and obviously affected the sex aul sex life Get yourself some information leaflets from the clinic or find some reliable information online about HPV and genital warts so he can see that it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship.

I feel for you so much, I know how terrified and ashamed you must feel but please don't. It happens and is more common than you might think.

Best of luck! x

I_am_Jebus

SameBoat wrote: »

I totally feel for you. I've been there and it's terrifying.

When I was 15 I was sexually assaulted and as a result I contracted genital warts. I was a virgin before that so there was no possibility of it coming from a partner. I was 6 months into my first relationship when the first couple of warts appeared. I hadn't had sex with him at that stage. I got myself checked out and the lady in the Well Woman Clinic confirmed it was genital warts. I was devastated. I told him and he took it fairly well considering how young we both were. There was one conversation where he told me that we couldnt ever break up. As he put it "nobody else will have you because of what you have". It wasn't intended to be hurtful but it showed me that it was on his mind. For me, he might aswell have told me I was damaged goods. We had a relationship for 2 years altogether and it ended for other reasons.

Now don't let that dishearten you though, we were very young and neither of us knew a whole lot about HPV and genital warts. The second struggle for me came when I met my current partner. I hadn't had another relationship since the first one ended. I had been sexually active and as careful as possible. I had undergone treatment and the warts disappeared but the doctor told me that there is no cure for the virus and that I need to keep myself healthy and my immune system strong to make sure the warts don't reappear. She said during extreme stress and also pregnancy, they can come back. Now, I met this new guy and I was absolutely mad about him. We had a long distance relationship at the beginning so sex wasn't going to happen at that time. I was so frightened about telling him. I thought he'd view me as damaged goods or see me as disgusting, I felt guilty that I might possibly infect him and I felt so ashamed that I had it. I also hadn't told him about the rape yet and although I'd had sexual encounters before him I hadn't let anyone get close. I knew he was different and I knew I had to tell him. It happened after a little bit of dutch courage, which I wouldn't recommend as I got very emotional. I told him everything and he reassured me that he didn't care and that neither the rape nor the consequences defined me. He also told me he loved me for the first time that night. We're still together over 4 years later and it's never been an issue. It's not something we ignore and we're always careful but it hasn't affected our relationship in any negative way. If anything it brought us closer.

You need to tell him. Its an emotional experience to suffer through and you'll need his support when you have treatment. I had cryotherapy which was painful and obviously affected the sex aul sex life Get yourself some information leaflets from the clinic or find some reliable information online about HPV and genital warts so he can see that it doesn't need to be the end of the relationship.

I feel for you so much, I know how terrified and ashamed you must feel but please don't. It happens and is more common than you might think.

Best of luck! x

Hi,

Good post and for it is worth I extend both my deepest sympathy for what happened to you and utmost admiration for how you've handled it and how you are getting on with your life. I know it couldn't have been easy.

As a matter of interest, if you don't mind me asking, after your successful treatment have you ever had a recurrence. The reason why I ask is that it appears to me that conventional thinking on Genital warts in recent times has begun to lean towards the belief that once successfully treated or cleared by your own immune system for a certain period of time, you won't likely have a recurrence (with possibly the exception of during pregnancy).

LegacyUser

hi its op here. Thanks everyone!

Same boat, i was also attacked when i was younger but i had 2 other sexual partners so im not sure who it came from. I have the actual warts (i feel disgusting just writing this), but i thought it was a reaction to waxing or something, until the doctor told me otherwise. My boyfriend never noticed them and I havent had sex with him since I found out. I just feel really skanky. I haven't cheated on my boyfriend and he has never had sex with anyone else.




Thank you everyone for all your help

LegacyUser

its OP here. Thanks everyone. Just to clear things up, it's the actual warts I have ( i feel gross just writing it), I have never cheated on him. He has never had sex with anyone before me so I couldnt have got it off him. Same boat I was also sexually assaulted when i was younger but I had 3 other partners and i'm not sure who I got it from. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I've had them for over a year but I thought it was a wax rash or something similiar until I saw had the sti test. Havent had sex with him since finding out. He's never noticed it.

Eugh....I feel so gross!

Thanks everyone!

LegacyUser

I_am_Jebus wrote: »

Hi,

Good post and for it is worth I extend both my deepest sympathy for what happened to you and utmost admiration for how you've handled it and how you are getting on with your life. I know it couldn't have been easy.

As a matter of interest, if you don't mind me asking, after your successful treatment have you ever had a recurrence. The reason why I ask is that it appears to me that conventional thinking on Genital warts in recent times has begun to lean towards the belief that once successfully treated or cleared by your own immune system for a certain period of time, you won't likely have a recurrence (with possibly the exception of during pregnancy).

Hi there,

Thank you for the kind words It's not so easy to share (easier with anonymity of course!) but I felt I had to let the OP know shes not alone.

As to your question, I had one outbreak about 2 years after the treatment. I say "outbreak" but it was literally 2 warts. It was a time of enormous stress and I had been ill with a very bad flu in the weeks previous. The doctor in the Well Woman Clinic told me that while in some cases the virus can be cleared totally by your immune system, in others the virus will remain and warts can reappear under certain circumstances, even after successful treatment. Now bear in mind its been about 7 years since I last had treatment so perhaps more is known about the virus now.

I_am_Jebus

Hi OP,

Thanks for the extra info. My deepest sympathies to you for what you have gone through. Nobody should ever have to experience that.

I would say, given that you had them for approx a year before you got a diagnosis (and presumably you've been having sex for the year) it is almost a certainty that he has picked up the strain(s) of the virus that you have. On the positive side though, not everyone goes on to develop symptoms. You need to talk to him, you certainly don't need to feel skanky or afraid to tell him. It's not your fault. A person with an average enough sex life 2-3 or more partners is highly likely to pick up at least one HPV strain in their lives. It is the most common STI and condoms don't give full protection.

YOu could have had sex (protected) with just one person and become infected. The strain you have been diagnosed with is not a high risk strain so that's something too.

By the way, there is no harm getting a second opinion. Genital warts are very often misdiagnosed.

PS. Make sure you get regular cervical smears - very important for your health.

All the best. You have done nothing wrong, don't feel ashamed of yourself or the situation.

This

at the end of the day it is impossible to tell who contracted what off who as far as stis go(if you have slept with more then 1 person), and condoms arent a 100% effective is stopping the spread of an sti.

he has a right to know and even if has contracted it it may never show up.. just imagine if it was the other way round if he had something you would like to know.


best of luck, its nothing to be ashamed about... its estimated over 80% of people have or had some form of sti......

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

its OP here. Thanks everyone. Just to clear things up, it's the actual warts I have ( i feel gross just writing it), I have never cheated on him. He has never had sex with anyone before me so I couldnt have got it off him. Same boat I was also sexually assaulted when i was younger but I had 3 other partners and i'm not sure who I got it from. Thank you so much for sharing your story.

I've had them for over a year but I thought it was a wax rash or something similiar until I saw had the sti test. Havent had sex with him since finding out. He's never noticed it.

Eugh....I feel so gross!

Thanks everyone!

Oh I know exactly how you feel. I felt tainted, scummy and dirty and was sure he'd leave me because of it.

You need to put some faith in your relationship and, like I said, arm yourself with all the info you can find about it. My doctor told me "If you've ever had sex chances are you have HPV". It's just that common. We're unfortunate that we got the warts. My boyfriend who I've been having sex with for 4 years has never had any symptoms so there's no guarantee your boyfriend will ever get the warts. Like I_am_Jebus said, we have the low risk strain, the one that isn't thought to cause cervical cancer. Thats something to be thankful for.

All the best OP. Let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

Interesting thread..I've got HPV..god only knows where I picked it up..

Have a new partner this last few weeks.....been thinking how could I mention it..I see now I'd better....soon...

Also my last gf (who treated me badly and hurt me very much in the end..) never knew .. Suppose I should tell her???

Sinall

Unregistered wrote: »

Interesting thread..I've got HPV..god only knows where I picked it up..

Have a new partner this last few weeks.....been thinking how could I mention it..I see now I'd better....soon...

Also my last gf (who treated me badly and hurt me very much in the end..) never knew .. Suppose I should tell her???

You definitely should. However, if you don't want to tell her yourself, some STI clinics provide the service of contacting your ex-partners to explain that they may be at risk of a STI (without mentioning who from) and that they should come in for a check up.

I_am_Jebus

HPV (Genital Wart Strain(s)) can be scary as a result of perception etc... Like others have posted on this thread reagarding how they feel dirty etc...

But the reality is that it is rather insignificant and does not cause any major health issues. Going forward with treatment and in a lot of cases without treatment, it can be eradicated (whether that is a full eradication or not still hasn't been proven) to the point where the immune system keeps the virus in check and you are no longer "contagious" nor will you develop further symptoms.

I don't see the urgency or great need to inform past partners at this stage. If you had the strain prior to/during your relationship with them then they have been infected (even if condoms were used each and every time). Without symptoms nothing can or needs to be done so there is no great value in telling them. If they develop no symptoms then you can assume one of the following:

a) The picked up the virus from you but their immune system dealt with it and no symptoms did or probably will appear.
b) They already had/have the virus and they are "immune" to picking it up from you
c) They are one of the people who don't develop overt symptoms.

Note - you may have even picked it up from them.

If you haven't had a reoccurence of your warts in over a year and certainly 18 months I don't think you need to tell your future partner about it. It seems medical thought on this suggests that your are no longer infectious at this point. If you have recently had an outbreak then i think you should tell your partner and let them decide for themselves the level of risk they are happy with. But it effectively means no sex because condoms may protect you for awhile but they are nowhere near 100% effective against HPV.

The important thing to remember is that a HPV (GW) infection should not affect relationships or your sexual future. It is a problem that can be dealt with and usually has no long-term medical impacts.

The girls should just remember to have their regular smear tests to manage any HPV high risk strains that they may have picked up.

The reason the vaccine is not recommended for "older people" is primarily on the basis that probably have contracted some or all of the 4 HPV strains that that protects against - which shows you how common this is.
Still I think the vaccine is worth looking into on an individual basis on the basis of your sexual career and not your age.