Had Enough!!

LegacyUser

i'm 19 years old now and for as long as i can remember even in childhood i had a very bad relationship with my mother. this is not teen rebellion or anything but i generally do not like my mam. she has been a heavy drinker and smoker all her life (like most of the family) and she has had it hard but all my sympathy has ran out for her. my dad is also a heavy drinker but unlike my mam he keeps to himself he enjoys solitude which suits me fine because i have lived with him most of my life (mam and dad separated when i was young yet they maintain a sort of "civil" relationship) so i can say it rubbed off on me i like my solitude. my brother who is also a heavy drinker, smoker lives with my mam.

my mam and brother drink every night and on many occasions she will drink too much which will lead to a fight between herself and my brother (i have witnessed these and its not a pretty sight!)she will then start ringing my dads looking "to start trouble" as she says. after a few calls my dad gets annoyed and even to this day i still get scared when i hear the phone at 3.30am. so she will come over p***ed drunk (back in the day my dad would shout and scream back as he would get extreamly angry with her carry on but he is getting old now and kinda leaves it up to me but i'm no better i cant hold all my built up anger in) i will lock my door and so will my dad but she stays in the hall screaming smashing into stuff then finally banging down my door. this has happened very recently and Ive decided this is the last straw i don't feel anything for her plus she doesn't even apologize for her actions

really sorry for the long post but this is only the short version, my question is: she needs help but she does not even realize that she has a problem what can i do is there somewhere i can send her? any help is greatly appreciated

Kevster

Hi,

Thanks for posting; and this isn't long by the way. I've seen posts thousands of words long on a different website. I think the record was just over 6000 words. Anyway, you are in a difficult situation - no doubt about it - but it's going to be difficult to just get up and leave/escape. As such (and as futile as this seams) you might just have to try to come around to the idea of what is happening and accept things as they are. You can set yourself targets in the future, howevr, such as setting a time when you can move out an develop your life the way you want to.

We cannot choose who our parents or siblings are, and we just have to acccept them. Through you longing for them to change (or be different), you are affecting your own morale. You can accept them as they are, howver, and be the bigger person here.

Take care,
Kevin

Darlughda

Hey, sorry to hear about the **** situation you are in there. Kevster is right. Time to focus on you. Are you working or studying? What are your options for getting out of the home situation and moving into a new place? Maybe even going abroad to get away from them?

At your age, you cannot be looking for solutions to fix them-that is a hopeless road. You owe it to yourself to have space and time to get away and find out who you are, and what you want in life.
Focus on yourself and figure out your own dreams and pursue them no matter how selfish that might seem, because at the end of the day it isn't selfish, and if you don't have the home support to encourage you to do this, you gotta be double determined to get out and find out what it is you want in life.
Best of luck.

cafecolour

If she's coming over and smashing stuff and banging down your door again, I'd call the guards on her. Honestly. That'll be a wake up call if there is one.

You could also try videoing her when she's like this and showing it to her sober. That could be a wake up call.

You could also try and stage a mini intervention. Or simply say "I can't handle you any more drinking, please stay away until you go to AA."

On that thread, Al-anon might be better for advice and support - http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

Taltos

cafecolour wrote: »

If she's coming over and smashing stuff and banging down your door again, I'd call the guards on her. Honestly. That'll be a wake up call if there is one.

You could also try videoing her when she's like this and showing it to her sober. That could be a wake up call.

You could also try and stage a mini intervention. Or simply say "I can't handle you any more drinking, please stay away until you go to AA."

On that thread, Al-anon might be better for advice and support - http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/

+1 to all of this.
Personally I would go to her during the day when she is sober and let her know that you will no longer tolerate her abusive behavior.
Tell her quite calmly - "Mum - next time you call over like you did last xxx; I will call the gardai and have you arrested for public disorder."
Then just walk away...
BUT - YOU HAVE TO BE WILLING TO FOLLOW THROUGH...
Maybe also call in advance to your local gardai to seek their advice on this before you talk to her.

But follow all the advise above and get in contact with some of the organizations out there that have the experience to help you.

(In my case I threatened to have my mum sectioned...)

LegacyUser

thanks everyone for your kind words of advice there much appreciated..

Darlughda- I've recently been let go from my job and have applied to college, at the moment moving out is not on the cards unfortunately

cafecolour- the thought of calling the gards has often crossed my mind but i fear that if they came in while my dad was getting angry too they would take him in with her and its not his fault like she really provokes him to the point where she is impossible to ignore.. i really like the idea of videoing her though this could be a reality slap. thanks a mill

Taltos- the only problem with trying to talk to her when she is sober is that her behavior over the years has really affected how i see her, i do not see her as a mother and cannot have a conversation with her i would even go as far as saying i cant stand to look at her (its quite extreme i know) but i will definitely try follow through with it if it comes to that

thanks again everyone

CDfm

Have I misread this or do you live in seperate homes?

If so what is she doing there and cant you simply change the locks and buy an ansaphone to put on at night.

You can get a protection/safety order from the Court which can make her liable to arrest if she misbehaves.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Have I misread this or do you live in seperate homes?

If so what is she doing there and cant you simply change the locks and buy an ansaphone to put on at night.

You can get a protection/safety order from the Court which can make her liable to arrest if she misbehaves.

hey sorry i should have made this a bit clearer my folks bought this house when they were still together abut 20years ago. after separating my mam moved into a council flat i stayed in the house with my brother and dad but my brother then moved in with my mam and has been there for about 5 years now.

almost every day my mam would come over to the house (for what reason im not too sure?) but that would be fine she just sits and watches tv then goes home to her flat. i don't know what goes on in her head because she would go home to her flat fine then a couple of hours later come barging in p***ed drunk shouting about stupid unimportant things and when no ones paying attention she talks to herself.. these events would happen once a month at least.

CDfm

Unregistered wrote: »

hey sorry i should have made this a bit clearer my folks bought this house when they were still together abut 20years ago. after separating my mam moved into a council flat i stayed in the house with my brother and dad but my brother then moved in with my mam and has been there for about 5 years now.

This is no way to live and you should be able to put a stop to it.

Here is a link to Citizens Advice but it would need your Dads cooperation to apply for a court order.

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

There is also a helpline Amen 046 9023718 www.amen.ie who should be able to guide you and your father. They also provide advice and councelling on the legal options.