some "jokes"

Capt'n Midnight

What is a zebra?
A lot bigger than an "A" bra.



Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
He pasta way.




What do you call a cow who has had a abortion?
Decalfinated!





knock knock
who's there?
repeat
repeat who?
Who who who who who.



Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The bartender asks, 'Olive or Twist?'



Quasimodo walks into a bar yelling 'The bells! The bells!'
The barmans says 'Sorry sir, we only have Glenfiddich and Johnny Walker.'





I've just got back from the bookshop, where they are having a massive sale. The big sign on the window read "30% OFF ALL TITLES", so I went in and purchased "The Lion, The witch and ".



what do you get when you cross winter with a witch?
a cold spell.



What do you call a dog with no legs?
Whatever you want, it won't come anyway.



Bush Senior: "Son, you're making the same mistake in
Iraq that I made with your mother. I didn't pull out
in time..."





This guy wanted to get into a night club with a few friends. Unfortunately the dress code stated that without a tie he couldn't get in.

His friends didn't have a spare necktie between them but one of them said, 'Hey,I've got an idea. I have a set of jump lead in the back of my car. Tie them round your neck, tuck in the ends and you should pass by the doormen.

On re-entering the club, one bouncer was suspicious of his neckwear. On inspection, he relented as long as the guy behaved 'and don't start anything'

Capt'n Midnight

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to visit a psychic. In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid our in front of her the psychic said:

"There is no easy way to say this so I'll be blunt -- prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death within a year.

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, and then looked down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and decided to go ahead.

She met the psychic's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:






"Will I get away with it?"

Capt'n Midnight

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:

"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.

At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.


The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Capt'n Midnight

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that WonTon spelled backwards is Not Now.

There's a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it
graduates from medical school.


Q: Why do Jewish Mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given
a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part."

Capt'n Midnight

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings
the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever
sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So,
what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services .. the United States Marines ... you know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs".

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't
getting a ny younger. So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. H e goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"I can't stand all the lies"

Capt'n Midnight

I'm an unemployed jester...




...which makes me nobody's fool.










An Irish man walked out of a bar..






Q: Why did Adam and Eve have a perfect marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she
didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.



Q: How does a Jewish wife cheat on her husband?
A: She has a headache with the postman





Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed

the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Wally didn't show up, Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe
he had a cold or some such.

But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried.

However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a
lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally
lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward,
but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally!

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!

Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"

Wally replied, "I have been in jail."

"Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the

coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"

Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me
with rape.

I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still
do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."