Is this a big deal?

LegacyUser

Is this a big Deal,

Ok my heart is actually pounding typing this, so it seems that the answer to my question is Yes.

Basicly, after my dad died, my mother would ask me to sleep in thier bed. (nothing sexual)

To explain my dad had died in this same bed and it was extremely traumatic death. My mother did not handle it well.

I have never spoken to anyone about this, and really I can look back and say what's the big deal.

But it just doesn't sit right....if you know what I mean.

am I just messing with my own head?

I feel stupid just writing this.

Thanks for reading

prinz

Was this a long time in the past? Seems to me that you were a crutch to your mother in the grieving process, a bit unusually but a help none the less. I would try not to let it bother you. See a counsellor perhaps. It's possible she felt better having you close by, in the sense that your father's death was so traumatic, she was afraid of letting something happen to you.

CDfm

Some years back I heard a similar story. The reality is the bed is just an object like a car or a tv or an armchair and it is just an association you have with it.

Your Mum asked you to sleep in the bed because she was lonely and coming to terms with her grief. For you it caught you off guard and brought it home to you not only your own grief but hers too. I can see how upsetting it would be.

Sorry for your loss but its only a bed and you comforted your Mum as best you could and hopefully she came to terms with her loss.

Nothing at all unusual about it and it was fear and lonlieness.

LegacyUser

In a way, and I don't mean this harshly, you are messing with your own head. Think of when you were little and you had nightmares - wouldn't you feel better when your Mum appeared, or if you went into her bed? It's pretty much the same thing, just a reversal of roles.

If your Mum has bad memories of how your Dad died then it must have been a great source of comfort to her to look across to his side of the bed and see a loved one, stopping her reliving the whole thing, as she no doubt would if his space was empty. You know how the mind plays tricks when you're upset.

You maybe feel a bit weird about it if you didn't have a very close or tactile relationship with your mother up to then - but honestly, there's nothing wrong with it. You can be proud that you were a help to her at a terrible time. There's no need to discuss it with anyone as it's private, but I know if any of my friends told me their Dad had died, and they shared a bed with their Mum for a while afterwards, I wouldn't bat an eyelid.

LegacyUser

Your mother had probably not slept on her own for years and was traumatised after your fathers death so the thought of being in that bed on her own was probably more than she could bear. That's all it was - you provided her with companionship and support as her daughter when she needed it most.

herya

I don't think it's a big deal, if my OH died and I had to look at his empty half of our bed I'd collapse - it is only natural that your mother took comfort in seeing her child there, somebody who is a living extension of your late father. If nothing else happened you should not worry.

LegacyUser

Hi Op here,

I thought I'd been making a mountain out of a mole hill.

It's nice to know it's not complete weird, as I'm weird enough already!

But thank you all for your replies,

prinz

As long as it didn't go on for too long a period also.

ibarelycare

prinz wrote: »

As long as it didn't go on for too long a period also.

Not really, as long as they were both comfortable at the time then what's the problem?

My dad died when I was 5. I'm the youngest of 4 and I started sleeping with my mam after he died. I think I ended up sleeping in her bed for the guts of 2 or 3 years. Looking back it seems like an awful long time but it just seemed normal. I'm sure having me there stopped her feeling as lonely and, as a young child going through such a confusing and traumatic time, it was a comfort for me to be beside her.

prinz

ibarelycare wrote: »

Not really, as long as they were both comfortable at the time then what's the problem?.

A cousin of my OH, his father died when he was a baby, but his mother kept him sleeping in her bed until he was almost 16. You can still see the effects on him.

ibarelycare

prinz wrote: »

A cousin of my OH, his father died when he was a baby, but his mother kept him sleeping in her bed until he was almost 16. You can still see the effects on him.

Well I said as long as they're both comfortable! That's very extreme and strange

username123

Op - from what you have described it was a comfort thing to help your mother through her grief, as such I dont think there is anything wrong with it at all.

~me~

one of my old friends (we were both about six or seven at the time) used to sleep in her mams bed with her when her dad worked nights cause they'd both feel safer that way. i dunno how long it went on for or anything but it was at least 2 years, i never saw anything wrong with it tbh. its a comfort thing, nothing weird about it. sure if im feeling lonely sometimes i take my baby in the bed for a cuddle, admitedly i do put her back in her cot but its the same thing except i can understand it more if a mother is grieving for her partner. mothers feel great comfort from their children.

herya

prinz wrote: »

A cousin of my OH, his father died when he was a baby, but his mother kept him sleeping in her bed until he was almost 16. You can still see the effects on him.

I think in this case the line between looking for some comfort and looking for a crutch has been crossed...

LegacyUser

OP I'm very sorry for your loss.

And I'm sorry for going off the point here. I'm in my early 30's and single and get very lonely sleeping at night on my own sometimes. So many times I want to ask my friend if she will lie in the bed and sleep beside me. I miss human conact and being physically close to a person. Not at all sexually of course. But just the warmth of another human being beside you. There's something about it that that I can't even begin to imagine what it is like for a person to have lost their loved one, and to all of a sudden be without that person.

Sorry I know it's nothing like your situation really, but just from the sharing the bed perspective, absolutely nothing wrong with it at all at all. And well done you for being their for your mother in a moment when she really needed you and you are probably the only person she knows to have been able to do that for her

SarahSassy

The bed has an obvious sexual connotation but why? People have sex in cars and on sofa's, the floor etc etc etc... Because you slept in the same bed as your Mother does not mean it was dirty or seedy or unhealthy.. Because we are conditioned to think bed = sex for people of the opposite sex you are confusing maternal love with the notion of a totally separate sexual love. It is very important to raise awareness of sexual abuse of kids but the downside of all the awareness is that innocent relationships / moment can be confused or tainted..

She was lonely, wanted you close and missed her hubby. It was nothing more and not ideal but not unhealthy. Dont beat yourself up... You helped your Mam through a very difficult time and have moved on since. You should be proud of yourself. Well done.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Very sorry about your dad and it must have been such a blow to your family, Well done for supporting your mum and being there for her, I would feel your dad would have been happy that you comforted your mum because the early days must have been very hard and you being in the bed probably helped her mind change from him being there to someone else familiar to help visualize another scenario for her, i think it will come to its natural end and dont feel bad or ashamed at all it was a lovely thing to have done.

LegacyUser

Op that is the most natural thing ever, my mam and dad had quite and abusive realtionship and for years he slept in the spare bed, then one night i heard her crying and went in and just gave her a lil cuddle it was the first night in about 6 yrs she slept without sleeping pills,

My mam said nothing can ever beat the love given from there child!!