Is this considered the norm today?

LegacyUser

I had 'the talk' with my boyfriend of 6 months or so (yes I know, bad idea, too late now).
When we started going out, he said he hadn't been with many women at all, so I assumed that meant maybe 5 or so, considering that he's 25 and has had two long term relationships. I was with 2 guys prior to meeting BF which I thought was on the lower end of average (I'm 23). So I asked him how many and he tells me he's had sex with 7 girls, oral with 5 or so more and handjobs/fingering with 7-8! So around 20 girls. I was absolutely shocked since he really doesn't think this is a high number and also as he doesn't really count the girls he didn't have sex with as 'partners'. He thinks handjobs/fingering is fairly standard when scoring someone (on a regular basis). He was also shocked that when I said 2 partners, I meant 2 partners - he assumed I would have done 'stuff' with more guys. Am I just old fashioned? Is it really true that 7 intercourse partners at 25 is 'nothing'? I mean I know it's not LOADS but it's not considered a low number, surely? I wish I hadn't learned this!

lolli

I don't think you should be so concerned about it as long as you both have a clean bill of health

Its different for every person! Some might be with 2 others might be with 2000. Its in the past so why focus on it so much now?

Saucey-Susie

as long as he is treating you the best way possible and you are happy in the relationship, thats all that matters

a friend of mine had that chat with her boyfriend after a year or so, and his number of women he had slept with was over 200 (he wasnt irish and he said it was just what happened in his culture and not seen a big thing). she was 100% fine with that because she knew he loved her and they later got married and had 2 kids

Dubliner28

He had a life prior to you.Ok its a bit strange he told you. We all have had sexual partners before so IMO its not a big thing
Hes a young lad who enjoyed life before he met you but he's with you now so forget about it and enjoy your time together.

prinz

There is no 'normal'. Why would any particular number be normal. For some it's none before marriage, for some it's a cricket score. There are many, many threads dealing with this so you should probably search for those and read away to your hearts content before this becomes another one which descends into what is/isn't normal and the Mods start throwing out bans.

willy wonka

I can't understand why you would want to know how many women your boyfriend 'fingered'. Do guys even keep note of this?

All I would want to know is how many girls a boyfriend slept with and even at that I'm not that bothered. He and me have had lives before we met each other.

nxbyveromdwjpg

Hes right its nothing, and pretty standard.

shellyboo

shockedgrl wrote: »

When we started going out, he said he hadn't been with many women at all, so I assumed that meant maybe 5 or so, considering that he's 25 and has had two long term relationships.

He has only been with 5 or so... 7 is two more than five. So you were about right.

shockedgrl wrote: »

I was with 2 guys prior to meeting BF which I thought was on the lower end of average (I'm 23). So I asked him how many and he tells me he's had sex with 7 girls, oral with 5 or so more and handjobs/fingering with 7-8! So around 20 girls. I was absolutely shocked since he really doesn't think this is a high number and also as he doesn't really count the girls he didn't have sex with as 'partners'.

Does anyone?

shockedgrl wrote: »

He thinks handjobs/fingering is fairly standard when scoring someone (on a regular basis).

It is.

shockedgrl wrote: »

Is it really true that 7 intercourse partners at 25 is 'nothing'? I mean I know it's not LOADS but it's not considered a low number, surely? I wish I hadn't learned this!

I'd consider it a low number.


However, I'm not "normal", you're not "normal", he's not "normal" - because there is no normal. Everyone is different. What seems huge to you seems completely unremarkable to me. The very idea that you'd count how many people's genitals you've touched is bizarre to say the least - to me.

So don't go comparing your experience to his, or his experience to anyone else's, because it means nothing. All that matters is what you're comfortable with - and the only person's number you need to be comfortable with is your own You've learned a valuable lesson for the future - never ask if you can't handle the answer! Because there's an awful lot of men out there with a much bigger number than that.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

He has only been with 5 or so... 7 is two more than five. So you were about right.

I think she meant any sexual contact...... so 20 or so.

shellyboo wrote: »

The very idea that you'd count how many people's genitals you've touched is bizarre to say the least - to me.

I find it bizarre to go around touching so many people's genitals that you lose count and can't even given an 'or so' answer tbh. That said I agree with most of what you said.

shellyboo

prinz wrote: »

I think she meant any sexual contact...... so 20 or so.

Yeah, but my point was "partners" means different things to different people. To me, someone I've had intercourse with is a sexual partner. I wouldn't count someone I've just shifted. Just because partner means something different to her than it does to him doesn't mean he was misleading her about his number.

prinz wrote: »

I find it bizarre to go around touching so many people's genitals that you lose count and can't even given an 'or so' answer tbh. That said I agree with most of what you said.

Exactly my point, friend You think this, I think that, she thinks something else and her bf thinks another thing. Everyone thinks different, there is no norm.

prinz

shellyboo wrote: »

Exactly my point, friend You think this, I think that, she thinks something else and her bf thinks another thing. Everyone thinks different, there is no norm.

Twas only an excuse to use the word genitals . Haven't done it in quite a while. Just like to add that while there is no 'norm' so to speak in terms of numbers of sexual partners (for whatever act) there is likewise no norm for what another person finds acceptable, so I don't think telling the OP that 7 or 70 is normal is going to help. It's up to her to reflect on what she considers to be acceptable/normal.

VaioCruiser

shockedgrl wrote: »

I had 'the talk' with my boyfriend of 6 months or so (yes I know, bad idea, too late now).
When we started going out, he said he hadn't been with many women at all, so I assumed that meant maybe 5 or so, considering that he's 25 and has had two long term relationships. I was with 2 guys prior to meeting BF which I thought was on the lower end of average (I'm 23). So I asked him how many and he tells me he's had sex with 7 girls, oral with 5 or so more and handjobs/fingering with 7-8! So around 20 girls. I was absolutely shocked since he really doesn't think this is a high number and also as he doesn't really count the girls he didn't have sex with as 'partners'. He thinks handjobs/fingering is fairly standard when scoring someone (on a regular basis). He was also shocked that when I said 2 partners, I meant 2 partners - he assumed I would have done 'stuff' with more guys. Am I just old fashioned? Is it really true that 7 intercourse partners at 25 is 'nothing'? I mean I know it's not LOADS but it's not considered a low number, surely? I wish I hadn't learned this!

I think you are right to be slightly surprised OP. It is quite a lot. It appears either he started very early or has been pretty active.

The important thing is what you take from it and what it means to you. It also depends on how he treats you and your sexual life together. It's now that matters remember.

All the best.

Oh The Humanity

7 at 25 is nothing definitely. Please dont worry.

As Prinz says there is no normal.....

People view it in different ways. The most important thing is to be careful of heart, health and reputation.

I would count anyone I'd been with sexually as a partner, personally. I think it's absolutely ridiculous to claim you've only been with 5 people when you've had 'sexual relations' with three or four times that. I certainly don't give handjobs to every guy I score. But that's just me, I don't know what's 'normal'.

LegacyUser

Thanks a million for replying everyone!
Well about the 'fingering' thing - I was just so shocked that it seems to be considered a normal part of scoring. I knew he'd scored some of his friends but I thought he meant drunkenly kissed at a party, not in bed naked together! I consider that pretty damn intimite and personally I would only do that with someone I was seeing and intending to have a relationship with, not some random male friend I'd scored!
He didn't start early, he lost his virginity at 18 which I guess is average or slightly older than average. Considering he had two 2 year relationships, that's still 5 sex partners in 3 years (along with all the oral/handjob partners). I know that isn't loads but I don't think it's 'nothing' either. Maybe I am just a prude?! The thing is loads of his mates have one night stands every few weeks, so their number would be 30+ and I guess he feels his is nothing in comparison. I also feel like they have influenced his behaviour perhaps?!

ladhrann

I don't know about normal, but it is pretty average. If you want to take me as an example of a late bloomer, had my first sexual encounter at 19, I'm a 24yr old male who's had sex with two women in total. One ONS and one relationship.

Now, in between times, I have gotten naked with a couple of others. Now have I had two partners in my lifetime or four??


I certainly don't feel as if I've had three or four partners in total. To be honest as they didn't add much to my experience or skills and I felt nothing towards them I feel as if I have had only one sexual partner.

It all depends on the person, do you think that Christmas dinner without the ham or turkey is Christmas at all????

(P.S. I don't think I'm a prude or that you are either. In my case I know myself to be lamentably unfortunate, or repugnant, the jury's out...)

herya

I wouldn't worry about the number of actual partners - more about the fact that you don't seem to share the definition of "sexual partnership". If you give another guy a handjob is it cheating in his books? If he fingers another girl will he mind or is it just some harmless fun?

Wagon

It's about the norm. Actually it isn't really that much to be honest. Every girl i've been with has had more partners in the past then me and they are often younger than me too. Normally, blokes will have less but like everyone said it depends on the person.

Personally, the number of partners a girlfriend had doesn't worry me (unless it's about 30 or 40 before age 22 or something). I look at who they've been with ie. were they married? Was she cheating on someone? I think that's a LOT more telling about a person than a number. So look at your boyfriend now. 2 long term relationships, 5 women in between those and this is over the course of 7 years so it really isn't a high number.

And i know it's a cliche but he is with you now and not them so there's no point worrying

prinz

shockedgrl wrote: »

Thanks a million for replying everyone!
Well about the 'fingering' thing - I was just so shocked that it seems to be considered a normal part of scoring.

Depends what you mean by 'scoring'. Lots of different meanings to lots of different people. There was a thread on the meaning of the word IIRC a while back, you should check it out. To me scoring would be kissing etc with no need for getting naked and no dropping the hand. For others it's different. Changes with the times.

shockedgrl wrote: »

The thing is loads of his mates have one night stands every few weeks, so their number would be 30+ and I guess he feels his is nothing in comparison. I also feel like they have influenced his behaviour perhaps?!

I wouldn't go down that route if I were you. Only causes friction and problems. He is (hoepfully) his own man. In my time I was with a couple of girls out of peer pressure to begin with, but at the end of the day it was my decision. He's a big bold fella, don't try to convince yourself that he's being influenced or 'in with a bad crowd' who make him do these things.

ladhrann wrote: »

It all depends on the person, do you think that Christmas dinner without the ham or turkey is Christmas at all???

That depends, is it Christmas day? Could be beans on toast, but if it's Christmas, it's Christmas IMO.

John-Holmes

I think if a man goes to college the number can rise pretty quickly. I'm a 23 male and I'm sitting around 25 "intercourse" partners. Anything involving fingers doesn’t really count imo

VaioCruiser

shockedgrl wrote: »

Thanks a million for replying everyone!
Well about the 'fingering' thing - I was just so shocked that it seems to be considered a normal part of scoring. I knew he'd scored some of his friends but I thought he meant drunkenly kissed at a party, not in bed naked together! I consider that pretty damn intimite and personally I would only do that with someone I was seeing and intending to have a relationship with, not some random male friend I'd scored!
He didn't start early, he lost his virginity at 18 which I guess is average or slightly older than average. Considering he had two 2 year relationships, that's still 5 sex partners in 3 years (along with all the oral/handjob partners). I know that isn't loads but I don't think it's 'nothing' either. Maybe I am just a prude?! The thing is loads of his mates have one night stands every few weeks, so their number would be 30+ and I guess he feels his is nothing in comparison. I also feel like they have influenced his behaviour perhaps?!

Yes. He is clearly hanging around with a similar crowd. I read a survey last year of Irish guys in their early twenties that said that there are distinct groups, who's level of sexual activity depends largely on the group they hang out with. There is a large groups of about 35% who have had less than three partners while another group of about 25% have had more than fifteen.

I agree with you that the number is not the issue, but the superficial attitude.

All the best.