Father/son relationship breakdown need help

griffonmark

For the past number of years I've no relationship with my son - none. In fact we now can't stand the sight of each other. It seems every time I open my mouth there's conflict - I always seem to give off a negative vibe and then he reacts with instant anger. I'm really fed up with how things are and don't know how to go about repairing the damage. Problem is I really can't stand him. In fact he's the opposite to what I would have thought my son would be (I know this may be a big part of my problem ie my inability to accept him for what he is). He has stolen numerous times from me, broken into other places, threatened me (unfortunately i then rise to the challenge but after having a knife put to my throat I don't bother any more - even tho' I know it was bravado and he'd have got a bigger fright than me if he used it). He's consumed with anger. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm so cold-hearted and most times I try hard to hide the fact that I don't give a flying you-know-what about him or what happens to him. I know asking him to leave will do him harm in the long term as even tho' he's 20 I think he'd get into more trouble (physically and mentally) and my partner believes the 'good' will eventually come out in him after what we would regard as a good upbringing - he did all the usual things hurling, football, rugby, music lessons etc- and his younger sister is turning out just fine indeed. Because of our situation I don't know if he has a gambling or a drug problem although he seems to be resourceful he never has a penny. (He does now work but still doesn't ever have money) I do know he smokes too much pot (this he regards as not drugs) and this can make him angry. However he's angry and at war with the world (and me) for years. He has been 'wayward' since he was 14 and we've had lots and lots of trouble with him - he gave up school three times (three different schools) and left home at a very early age and was practically living on the streets until we eventually coaxed him home (did up his room - new tele, new bed clothes etc., and after he went working for a while we eventually got him back to a school where he gave up with just a few months to go. My partner is playing a blinder and keeps the channels open but I'm a total disaster - even tho' I feel most of the trouble is his fault at the end of the day I'm the adult (50ish) he's the immature 20-year-old. I'm so bad at this stage that I feel if he did something stupid or got killed in a car crash I would be incapable of shedding not even a tear. This is bad. We've tried the counselling route with him but in the end he gave up because "the stupid b***h didn't know anything". Should I go to counselling on my own?
Any ideas, links, books, on how to mend the relationship - which up to 14 years was very good indeed - but six years seems like a lifetime. Sorry for all the words but it just kept coming so I'll stop at that.

CDfm

I really dont blame you and he does seem like a right handfull. I think you have done all you can do.

You might try just taking a totally back seat in all this and just accepting that he is what he is. Dont pass judgement and have a passing interest that he is fed and watered birthday presents that kind of stuff.

I mean - your interest should be on a how was your day and we are getting a takeaway would you like a chinese level.Nice and civil and non directional. Just drop the councelling and the sort of encouragement to go too nightclasses stuff. Just accept that he needs to find his own way and leave it at that.Relieve yourself of the guilt that you havent done enough and can change him and accept that he is what he is.

Now I get on wonderfully with my son and cant imagine the stress you are under. The one thing I would worry about is the knife incident and I do think that if there is a repeat of that type of event he should leave and you should say that to your partner.

BTW -I dont think you are coldhearted I think he is a bit of an a****** .

cafecolour

Did something happen at age 14 or did he just get hormonal/in with the wrong crowd. Since that's a pretty extreme personality change. I'm reaching, but was their perhaps an undiagnosed learning disability or something like that left him frustrated at school (and at you for not 'knowing').

20 is definitely not too old to turn over a new leaf, but he'll never do it if you tell him to. You'll have to do your best to swallow your dislike. Tell him you know things have gotten bad between you, and you'd like to start over. Avoid absolutely and discussion of his life for the start - it'll get one or both of you defensive or angry - and just stick to basic small talk like sports/movies/the weather things like that. Try bits of affection - ie an gentle arm of the shoulder.

Any more knives or things like that tho, and I'd bar him from the house.

Overheal

Yes. OP. By all energies, go see a counsellor on your own. He won't. Alright? Take that as a factor. This is weighing on you right now. You need advice (thats why youre here) and this is a very deep, very intricate, intimate and personal matter. Yes. See a Counsellor. I think it will do you good, one way or the other.

As for your situation. Who can ever say. I mean, parents often forget about what impact they have. Often their intentions are the best, but their implementation can be completely wrong. Like the parent who wants their kid to succeed at school, but encourages them to get good grades. Instead of the same parent who encourages them to do their best no matter the outcome. In the long run, the 2 schools of thought have very different results, favoring the parent that rewards ongoing effort, not end result. Just one example.

So i mean, theres that. Then theres the street factor. You know - what drug did he get hooked on, who did he fall in with at an impressionable age.

Its not really about whos to blame. Its about how you can help your son, and how you can help you, and how you can heal the rift there. But it does require an understanding of the causes, then curing the consequences. I think a counsellor can best help show you how. You can then take what you learn to apply a new approach with your son.

You're a good father. Whatever may have gone wrong: it doesnt matter. You still want to make things better. You still want to help your son. I can't tell you how many people would just let the go and disown them. You're doing a brave thing. The right thing. Good luck.

Queen-Mise

go and get some help/support/counselling for yourself. One of the alanon (support group for wives, family of aa) slogans says: detach with love. Dont engage with him in a negative fashion.

3 quick thing to say.
Does he need treatment? As in alcohol or drug.

That knife incident is very worrying. That is uncontrollable anger being shown.

You also need to mind your mental health. This is taking a serious strain on you.