My brothers' alcoholic partner & mother of 3 kids

worriedaunt

My family and I are all very worried about the welfare and safety of my 7 year-old & 6 month old nieces, and 6 year-old nephew. Their father is my brother and their mother is an alcoholic.

They lost their 11 week-old baby two years ago to cot death and I'm terrified something is going to happen to another one of their children if something isn't done urgently. She has been an alcoholic for years but it has only really all come to a head in the last two-three years. She drank the entire way through her pregnancy on the baby who died and while I know there is no explanation for cot death and the autopsy report listed cot death as the reason for his death, I can't help but be afraid that her drinking during and after her pregnancy contributed to it. He never seemed to be a very alert baby.

She now has a 6-month old baby and is insisting on continuing to breast feed her while drinking. I think in her warped mind she actually thinks she's doing what's best for the baby but she's only harming her (even more than she potentially has already).

Then there's the other two little ones. The eldest, who is just 7 is already hugely affected by her mother's behaviour and has always been such a worrier. The only thing she should be worrying about is what toy to play with next! The 6 year-old boy seems to let things go over his head but I don't believe for a second that he's not affected by what's been going on. She has driven with the kids in the while drunk, crashed out on the couch in the afternoon while the kids are God knows where and with nothing to eat. It breaks my heart to see the damage this selfish "mother" is doing.

She went into rehab (on my brother's insistence) about 6 months after their baby died but she only lasted a few weeks. My poor mother had to move into their house for a couple of months to mind the two kids, which wasn't easy for a woman in her late 60's. Plus, she never got a word of thanks for it (not that she was looking for it but it's the least they owed her). Apparently, she goes to AA meetings but they're obviously not working.

While they have now decided to split up because they're fighting constantly, the only way it can work, financially, is for her to move out with the kids. This absolutely terrifies me and my family. God knows what would happen to the kids without my brother being there, at least every night in case anything happens. She has never worked and my brother is running the family business with my other brother and sister. The business, like so many others, is struggling at the moment so he's under enormous pressure. Financially, he can't afford a nanny or creche and can't afford to pay a second rent so she'd have to claim single mother's allowance and get some sort of social housing which I don't think would be a good environment either for the kids to be around.

This "mother" is so unbelievably selfish and a constant liar that all she deserves is for him to kick her out and for her not to see her kids until she's sorted herself out for good.

Her family have been pretty useless with my mother doing more for her than her own parents or siblings. I just don't know what we can do to protect those kids. We're not a financially well-off family and all have to work full-time so it's not as easy as just taking the kids or paying for childcare.

The ideal would be for my brother to just kick her out and raise the kids alone but that's just impossible with his current situation. Does anybody know if there are any services that give assistance with child care to single father's in these kinds of situations? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

username123

Hi OP,
First of all - theres nothing you or anyone else can do to stop this woman drinking - she is the only one who can control that.

If your brother has decided to split with her then he has a moral responsibility to take his kids with him and leave her to it. I dont accept that he cannot do that, what if she died - would he raise his kids then? I agree it would be hard, but which is more important, the long term effect of an alcoholic mother on 3 kids or your brothers current finances. People find ways to cope with children and work, if everyone pulled together and offered to help it could be done, a small contribution to help with childcare or giving up some time to help with the kids from immediate family could help.

Single fathers can do it - Im not saying itd be easy but itd be much better for the kids.

As for his missus, if I were him I wouldnt bother putting any kind of roof over her head unless she sorts herself out and starts making a positive contribution to the family, unless she hits rock bottom she will never stop the drinking and saving her from hitting rock bottom by putting a roof over her head wont help.

Sorry to be so harsh but Ive long years of experience with alcoholism and I know that people close to it will refuse to make changes because they feel its unfair, they cant afford to etc...etc.... but there is always a way. Whats important is the kids. And ultimately if your brother cannot raise them could someone else (a relation maybe?) take them on for a period of time til your brother got his finances together?

Could he sell his house and get a small place with a smaller mortgage? There are always options. Think about what he would do if his wife was dead - he would find a way.

carlybabe1

Hi Op, Have to agree with Username, if you were truly that worried about the kids then Im sure you can all rally round and between the lot of you sort something out. Could your brother not work from home for a while till things settle down, and if he has the kids then she cant claim lone parents, but your brother might be entitled to family income supplement.

Where theres a will, and all that.
Also, while your obviously very angry, and with good reason, I do think its out of order for you to blame her for the babies cot death. There is a reason that they dont know what causes it, and if it was drinking while pregnant, you can be sure that there would be campaigns alerting people to that fact, as well as a hell of a lot more cases of it. (Im not condoning drinking while pregnant)
The fact of the matter is that, regardless of what you think of her, that woman lost her baby, and is in more pain than you could know, I just think that you shouldnt blame her for that.

LegacyUser

The mother should not have the kids...regardless of where they are living (social housing etc) This obviously is not safe and plain for all to see. Can i ask you a question OP?are social services involved?It may be a good idea to contact them to let them know about the situation.

My mother is a recovering alcoholic and whenever she used to go on benders she would move out and myself and my brother would stay at home with our father. My grandmother or aunts would mind us after school and while it must have been a bit of a burden for them at least they realised that we could not be minded by our mother as she was in no fit state.

It can be very hard for the close family and friends of an alcoholic as they feel in some way responsible for looking after the alcoholic and they are 'left to pick up the pieces'. In your case your family are deeply worried about the children and your brother. May I suggest that you and your brother go to Al anon, it is for the family and friends of alcoholics and stories like this are discussed. You will get a lot of advice on how to handle the situation and it will help you deal with the pressure caused by this woman.

LegacyUser

Hi worriedaunt,
Hate to point this out but if the your brother was female would you even suggest he leave his kids with an alcoholic husband?
Sorry as someone who was married to an alcoholic I had to remove my child from exH...I had no job, no money, no house etc etc...I was living abroad and exH drank the money for the water meter so we were disconnected from the water supply,no running water and 40degrees heat outside..NOT fun!
I came home and went to the HSE....they were great. My boy is now a happy normal adult.
I could not have done it on my own without my family but TBH it was my responsibility mainly..it is your brother's responsibilty to step up.
My little boy and I were poor and it was tough but if an alcoholic is left in charge of any children then their sober parent is unfit too!
Sorry if I sound harsh but this is the sad reality of being the only fit parent of kids.