Girls, is this acceptable?

LegacyUser

Me & me man have been together 2 years now, living together 1.

Lately, it has been bugging me that whenever I want to do something with him, like go for a beer, he will invite friends from work. I asked if he wanted to come to the pics this week, he asked his other friend to come along if he wants.

Every weekend basically he is inviting lads round to get trashed, or we have to go there (he can't drive at mo with bad ankle). He is 29 ffs! These are guys from work in their early 20s. I feel as if he isn't putting much into our relationship. He thinks because we live together, that is enough but I want quality time with him, not having lads tagging along whenever I want to do something with him.

It has come to where I will ask there and then to go out so he doesn't have the chance to ask them.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with him seeing them but he doesn't put the same into our relationship. It hasn't always been like this.

shellyboo

I'd say what's happening is that his mates are asking to spend time with him, and he already has plans with you. So instead of putting off his mates, he says "Eh, I'm already doing this, but you're welcome to come!"

Basically, I'd take this as a sign that you're monopolising a bit too much of his time. Have a chat with him and say that you understand he wants to spend time with mates, but you want at least one night out at week with him, alone - or however many nights you want.

You can't expect him to meet your expectations if he doesn't know what they are!

Nevyn

Sit down and talk to him about how you want time jsut te two of you together as a coupple an dcleaning the house and sort the laundry doens't count.
Or there is the option of let him arrive in with the lads and be wearing your best underwear set n the sitting room with candles and wine and massage oil and then when they troop in leave, go get dressed and meet a friend for coffee.
That way he may start to cop on to what he's missing out on.

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

I'd say what's happening is that his mates are asking to spend time with him, and he already has plans with you. So instead of putting off his mates, he says "Eh, I'm already doing this, but you're welcome to come!"

Basically, I'd take this as a sign that you're monopolising a bit too much of his time. Have a chat with him and say that you understand he wants to spend time with mates, but you want at least one night out at week with him, alone - or however many nights you want.

You can't expect him to meet your expectations if he doesn't know what they are!

I don't see any signs that she's monopolising his time at all

OP, I've seen this happen when couples are living together. And it's just like you said. Because you live together, and probably around each other a fair bit of the time, he see's it as enough. But what happens is you just end up falling into a rut, you do all the boring routine stuff together and the fun/quality time is spent with friends. To be fair he is trying to keep you involved in that but you do need some quality time together as a couple too.

A friend of mine had the same problem, she spoke to her boyfriend and they decided to have a date night once a week where they have a night just for the two of them. Might be an idea?

Wurly

Unregistered wrote: »

Me & me man have been together 2 years now, living together 1.

Lately, it has been bugging me that whenever I want to do something with him, like go for a beer, he will invite friends from work. I asked if he wanted to come to the pics this week, he asked his other friend to come along if he wants.

Every weekend basically he is inviting lads round to get trashed, or we have to go there (he can't drive at mo with bad ankle). He is 29 ffs! These are guys from work in their early 20s. I feel as if he isn't putting much into our relationship. He thinks because we live together, that is enough but I want quality time with him, not having lads tagging along whenever I want to do something with him.

It has come to where I will ask there and then to go out so he doesn't have the chance to ask them.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with him seeing them but he doesn't put the same into our relationship. It hasn't always been like this.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? He may not realise there is a problem. So you need to tell him that there is. Take Thaedydal's advice re how to get the message across.

shellyboo

puglover wrote: »

I don't see any signs that she's monopolising his time at all

If the only time he's seeing his mates is when he's with her, that would be a sign to me that she's monopolising his time.

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

If the only time he's seeing his mates is when he's with her, that would be a sign to me that she's monopolising his time.

Could also be said that the mates are monopolising his time if thats the logic you are using!

Wurly

shellyboo wrote: »

If the only time he's seeing his mates is when he's with her, that would be a sign to me that she's monopolising his time.

puglover wrote: »

Could also be said that the mates are monopolising his time if thats the logic you are using!

Or that he's not using good time management between his friends and his girlfriend. Who knows?

The upshot is, it appears you haven't spoken to him about this so unless he knows there's a problem here, things wont change!

shellyboo

puglover wrote: »

Could also be said that the mates are monopolising his time if thats the logic you are using!

His mates aren't complaining that they don't get to see him alone enough, she's complaining that he's seeing his mates too much!

If the mates had come on and said "My mate keeps bringing his gf everywhere" I'd say that was a sign that the mate wants more alone time with his gf.

Same thing.

calahans

shellyboo wrote: »

If the only time he's seeing his mates is when he's with her, that would be a sign to me that she's monopolising his time.

I'd look at it differently. If you live with someone then it does not follow that they the nights you go out should include other people. Its effectively saying that the nights watching tv on mon/tue/wed are her nights and then thur/fri/sat should include other people.

If she wants to go to the movies with her man, why thats not selfish. If she would like to go for a meal with just the two of them on the weekend, thats not unreasonable. His age does come in to it - 29 is old enough to got the "lads" scene out of his system

puglover

shellyboo wrote: »

His mates aren't complaining that they don't get to see him alone enough, she's complaining that he's seeing his mates too much!

If the mates had come on and said "My mate keeps bringing his gf everywhere" I'd say that was a sign that the mate wants more alone time with his gf.

Same thing.

You don't know wether his mates are complaining or not. You can't just make assumptions based on nothing.

There was no evidence at all that she was monopolising his time, so no reason to be assuming that she has some issue.

It's jsut something that happens in relationships when you are living together. All the OP needs to do is have a chat with her bf.

shellyboo

calahans wrote: »

I'd look at it differently. If you live with someone then it does not follow that they the nights you go out should include other people. Its effectively saying that the nights watching tv on mon/tue/wed are her nights and then thur/fri/sat should include other people.

If she wants to go to the movies with her man, why thats not selfish. If she would like to go for a meal with just the two of them on the weekend, thats not unreasonable. His age does come in to it - 29 is old enough to got the "lads" scene out of his system

Sigh.

Did I say she was being selfish? No.

If I, personally, was doing things with ANYONE, partner, friend, auntie, granny, next door neighbour, and EVERY time I met up with that person they brought someone else along, I'd immediately think, "maybe I need to give this person a bit more space."

That's all I'm saying.

I'm well aware of what happens when you live with someone, having lived with a boyfriend before. That's why I said to her to sit down with her partner and agree on a night, or nights every week where they do something just the two of them. The rest of the nights he can see his friends.

How is that in any way unreasonable?

LegacyUser

Hello, it is the frustrated girlfriend again.

His mates don't complain at all, they aren't really 'mates mates' they are colleagues and spend all week with him, I am not asking too much by wanting time alone with him. I am not saying don't see them, all I am saying is don't drag them along on our dates, stop having them round ALL weekend EVERY weekend. It is my home too and I also feel he is too old for this lads scene. I end up cleaning up after everyone, doing all the washing because he is too drunk/hungover/lazy to help me.

It is since he started working with them that he has got worse.

One of the lads split with his girl and my man invites him round all weekend because "its a shame, he is on his own". So he cares more about him than how I feel.

I have spoken to him, he just says I give him ear ache. I just want him to grow up and stop using our home as a hotel for his mates.

calahans

shellyboo wrote: »

Sigh.

Did I say she was being selfish? No.

If I, personally, was doing things with ANYONE, partner, friend, auntie, granny, next door neighbour, and EVERY time I met up with that person they brought someone else along, I'd immediately think, "maybe I need to give this person a bit more space."

That's all I'm saying.

I'm well aware of what happens when you live with someone, having lived with a boyfriend before. That's why I said to her to sit down with her partner and agree on a night, or nights every week where they do something just the two of them. The rest of the nights he can see his friends.

How is that in any way unreasonable?

Sigh :rolleyes:

Did I say that you said she was selfish. No.
Did I say that her wanting to spend time with her man was not selfish. Yes.

You said that she should take it that she is monopolising his time. I merely said that would not be my interpretation of his behaviour.

That aside I think your right that she needs to communicate this to him, not spring things on him to avoid others

LegacyUser

I don't think he would appreciate it if he made nice plans for us and I kept dragging people from work along. It is insulting.

If he wants a drink after work with them, fine. If he wants to nip round for a few hours, fine. As long as he isn't arranging this when he knows I have plans. It has happened too many times now and I am getting sick of it, my home is not my own, hell my relationship isn't even my own anymore.

Silverfish

Guys, can we stop arguing and actually read what the OP is saying without making massive assumptions, all we can go on is what is posted here, and respond accordingly.

Thanks.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't think he would appreciate it if he made nice plans for us and I kept dragging people from work along. It is insulting.

If he wants a drink after work with them, fine. If he wants to nip round for a few hours, fine. As long as he isn't arranging this when he knows I have plans. It has happened too many times now and I am getting sick of it, my home is not my own, hell my relationship isn't even my own anymore.

Hi OP, I know that it is hard given that this is a sore point for you. I think you need to tell your boyfriend that you want to talk to him about something. Be very clear about what you want to say, and talk to him in a non judgemental, non argumentative manner. Don't just bring it up, arrange some time specifically to talk about this. Tell him exactly how it is making you feel, let him know that you are serious about this and that you are not happy to carry on like this. Hopefully you can come to some sort of compromise or agreement.

LegacyUser

Hi puglover. It is so hard though getting through to him, he sees the slightest bit of critisism as me being an old nag. What he doesn't realise is if he actually listened to me in the first place and made the relevant changes then there would be no stress or bickering.

I am not being selfish as others have stated, I have never said I want every single day and night with him, that is what his mates are getting.

We don't go out that much really, but when I want to, he involves others. I hate it.

LegacyUser

If anyone is being selfish, it is him. Who on earth invites their mates to a date with their girlfriend???

qwertyphobia

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi puglover. It is so hard though getting through to him, he sees the slightest bit of critisism as me being an old nag. What he doesn't realise is if he actually listened to me in the first place and made the relevant changes then there would be no stress or bickering.
QUOTE]


Well yes when some else does whatever we want that generaly involes less stress for us.

Some one has already made the suggestion that you have a particular night set aside each week for just the two of you which only gets changed if something majour comes up. Some weeks that maybe staying in having some nice food and watching a movie other weeks it can mean going out.

Bringing it up like this and talking about the future instead of what he did last weekend will have a better chance of being heard and it's more about finding a solution that works for BOTH of you rather then trying to find blame.

LegacyUser

That is brilliant advice, I tend to look to the past and the mistakes he made rather than saying in future, we/you should do this.

Will give that a try but how can I broach it without him getting angry and defensive? He usually tells me to stop going on, but I feel I need to go on because he doesn't change when he says he will.

puglover

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi puglover. It is so hard though getting through to him, he sees the slightest bit of critisism as me being an old nag. What he doesn't realise is if he actually listened to me in the first place and made the relevant changes then there would be no stress or bickering.

I am not being selfish as others have stated, I have never said I want every single day and night with him, that is what his mates are getting.

We don't go out that much really, but when I want to, he involves others. I hate it.

Thats why I think it's important for you to make time, if you just bring it up randomly or while he is doing something else he will see it as nagging. I'm sure he doesn't realise how serious this issue has become for you so you need to let him know.

It'll just get bigger if you leave it be so try address it now and make sure you let him know that you don't mind him doing stuff with the lads, you just want some quality time for yourselves too.

shellyboo

OP, maybe if you approach it not as criticism, but a suggestion? It's really all in the langauge you use.

Instead of, "I hate it when you do this, you always X, you never Y", it's better to frame it as a suggestion - "I'd love it if you did X, I really appreciate it when you do Y, would it be ok if we spent Z evening together just the two of us?"

If you're going up to him saying "OMG, your mates are always here and we never have any time to ourselves" then of course he'll get defensive. If you approach it in a reasonable way, there's no way for him to refuse without sounding unreasonable.

Does that make sense? Also, Thaed's suggestion about the lingerie is bang on. Ok, it's pretty much bribery, but hey, it'll work!

LegacyUser

I will sit him down tonight and discuss, we have a lot to sort anyway as we are in the process of moving house so I will suggest it as a fresh start. He needs to grow up.
Life is not the big party he wants it to be, it is putting a strain on me because I feel like a maid. All I do is run around after him and his mates mess.

I hate moaning about him because I love him but he isn't showing the same love back, although I don't doubt what he feels for me, he is being lazy with his relationship and making effort with the wrong people.

LegacyUser

That is a great plan, I could say I love it when we spend time together and make special plans as I don't feel we do it enough, what do you think? Something like that maybe.

The lingerie idea is very good!!! As if to say, you made your choice, deal with it!!

shellyboo

Unregistered wrote: »

That is a great plan, I could say I love it when we spend time together and make special plans as I don't feel we do it enough, what do you think? Something like that maybe.

The lingerie idea is very good!!! As if to say, you made your choice, deal with it!!

That's completely perfect. Just try to be as un-antagonistic as you can!! Be the grown-up

What you're asking is not unreasonable - some quality time with him. If you present it to him as a reasonable request - not an attack, not a criticism, not a favour or chore, he'll be much more responsive to it. Basically, "I don't want us to argue about this anymore - I hate nagging you, and you hate listening to me. Why don't we arrange one night a week where we do something special, just us?"

The friends situation at weekends - that's maybe a battle for another day!

LegacyUser

Hi everybody, I spoke to him last night. I came across bad at first but he has promised for no one to come round, we have more important things to do like getting the car fixed and packing to move house so we can't really be wasting the weekend or any weekend really, it is time to be adults!

As for the cinema situation, he only invited him because he was planning to go on the Orange Wednesday thing (lol) but he said as it is going to be Friday, it will be the two of us. Better had be!

Thanks for your help, I really hope he learns because I don't want to have to beg for his time, especially when these lads see him all week and I don't - I get a few hours in the evening then it is bed time. The only time we can spend proper time together is weekends then he invites the same lads round he has been with all week! Argh!

LegacyUser

Maybe if you leave it now and see how it pans out, then the nagging will stop and he will want to spend more time with you.

You can't come between The Lads, it is nigh on impossible!