Crappy sex life since child was born

LegacyUser

unregistered for good reason as my other half also uses this website.

My partner and I used to have a very good sex life. Not just in the early stages of the relationship but still after 5-6 years. Then our child was born and that all changed.

Durign pregnancy and form of intimate contact was a no no. I was ok with this and respected her wishes without question. The first year after the pregnancy was not really any better, where I could count on one hand the number of times we had sex. I read up that hormones can be all over the place for up to 12 months so I let that go without question.

Our child is now nearly three and if we have sex once a month I find myslef feeling lucky. Even when it does happen it always seems like she just wants to get it over with which does not really help my self esteem.

I have tried talking to her about this. The first time I will admit I get quite upset but on a number of occasions since (bear in mind this is over a 2 year period) I have been calm about it. I have explained to her that all I want is to understand what has changed. Told her that if thats the way it is then fine but I need a reason. I have said to her that without a reason all I can think is thats its my fault, whether because she does not find me good in bed any more or just does not find me attractive in that way and I am having a very hard time dealing with that.

Every time I try to have this conversation I get brushed off. I am either told that things will get better (which they never do) or I get put down being told that I don't respect her and how dare I bring this same crap up again.

I have no intention in leaving her. I love her and my daughter unconditionally but this is really really getting me down. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of this post, maybe I just wanted to vent a little... Thanks for reading at any rate.

Mr. Presentable

She may be still feeling unattractive since the pregnancy. Try romancing her, like when you first went out. Make her feel special.

LegacyUser

Thanks but I don't think this is the case. I have surprised her with trips to Paris for a long weekend and wined and dined her. I have brought her out shopping for clothes which I paid for before talking her off for a nice meal. I tell her I love her regularly and make a point of letting her know how beautiful I think she is. Not every day as then it would loose meaning but now and again.

Maybe my idea of romancing her is incorrect... But I would have thought those things were ok?

wexford202

I actually feel for you.

It is true that you are not in the mood for it as much when pregnant and after but from expierence I can say that it is very important to maintain the main parts of a relationship before and after baby and one of those is intimacy.

I would tell her how you feel as sometimes our minds are so pre occupied with baby that we do not even think about it.

I am sure she will both understand and respect your needs and if she doesn't I would really start to question her feelings for you.

You have needs too and you are not being unreasonable at all. It is perfectly normal to want action often and she should be extremely flattered that you would still find her so attractive after having a baby as us women really do not feel attractive after. She is a lucky girl and I hope she realises that

ManOfMystery

Taking a long shot here but maybe since your daughter was born, your wife's frame of mind has changed slightly and with her maternal side coming out she is not comfortable reconciling the role of mother with that of a sexual partner. She may simply have slipped comfortably into the mother role and can no longer see herself in any other way, which may make it uncomfortable for her to engage in sexual relations.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your kind words, but I would imagine she does know exactly how I feel. I have told her before.

All I got out of it was rather unsatisfying sex that night ( as i felt it was only because of our chat and she did not want to) and an empty promise that things would get better.

Maybe I should be questioning her feelings for me? I have not done this.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

Taking a long shot here but maybe since your daughter was born, your wife's frame of mind has changed slightly and with her maternal side coming out she is not comfortable reconciling the role of mother with that of a sexual partner. She may simply have slipped comfortably into the mother role and can no longer see herself in any other way, which may make it uncomfortable for her to engage in sexual relations.

And how does one help to remedy this situation?

Euro_Kraut

Hi OP,

I feel you in this situation. I guess its also not ideal for her. I'm sure she would rather have a good sex life too. Although it might not be affecting her as much as it appears to be affecting you.

I'm slightly uncomfortable about suggesting this... but could it be that she is relucant to have sex out of a concern of becoming pregant again? Have you discussed having children in the future? Is she currently on oral contraceptives?

Sorry for asking about these very intimate things but it might help give a better understanding of your situation.

LegacyUser

Euro_Kraut wrote: »

Hi OP,

I feel you in this situation. I guess its also not ideal for her. I'm sure she would rather have a good sex life too. Although it might not be affecting her as much as it appears to be affecting you.

I'm slightly uncomfortable about suggesting this... but could it be that she is relucant to have sex out of a concern of becoming pregant again? Have you discussed having children in the future? Is she currently on oral contraceptives?

Sorry for asking about these very intimate things but it might help give a better understanding of your situation.

Dont think that is an issue. She is on oral contraceptives and I have contraception beside the bed also. I dont think that she is concerned over getting pregnant again either but I do see how this could be an issue.

The funny thing is, I reckon she wants another child. Just not willing to put in the hard work! (sorry, I know I probbly should not joke as its my problem)...

LauraLoo

might she be slightly depressed? sometimes depression (even mild) can reduce the libido. Some women get depression after a baby and if it goes unoticed and without care it can be prolonged.

LegacyUser

I have suggested that in the past taht she might be depressed but I cant say it went down too well. Since time has gone by though I do not think that this is the case.

Everything else in our relationship is fine. We enjoy each others company and she seems to be happy enough. She is a great mother and our daughter has never failed to bring a smile to her face.

She does live on the opposite side of the country to most of her close, long term friends so probably does not get to see them as much as she would like but they are also settling down so don't be out as much anymore anyway.

Havign said this she still would have a strong support group besides just me. I know it is terrible to say but I almost wish she was depressed, at least then I would have a reason and an understanding of the situation. One that could hopefully be treated and remedied.

Like i say I have no intention whatsoever in leaving her unless she was to tell me that I make her unhappy. I love her too much for that. It does not make it any easier for me though and I really am unsure as to what options I have left in this case.??

b3t4

Maybe it all has nothing at all to do with sex?

Are you affectionate with her without a push for full intercourse?

Do you help out around the house?

Does she get enough her time?

Do you get enough you time?

Is there something that she's constantly annoyed at you about? Constantly making comments about something that you brush off as her nagging?

Also, what else has changed since baby has come along? Do you spend the same amount of time together alone? Is one of you doing more or less of the housework? Would you say that you appreciate each other in an equal manner since baby came along?

This really has nothing to do with sex and more to do with how you both feel:
No sex makes you feel crap and unwanted.
She feels *something unknown* and therefore doesn't want sex.

Your feelings are important in this relationship and you need her to see that. Allowing her to brush aside your concerns isn't the best approach. I'd recommend relationship counselling so that you can both figure out what the *something unknown* is. I'll guarantee she'll say no to it but try and see if you can get her to agree to go to one session. That'd be a start.

A.

LegacyUser

This sounds like the sex life man who is married with a child. I think many men are in your shoes.

LegacyUser

really would hope that it will/would not come to counselling. And your right, she would 100% say no.

By the rest of your post I think you may be wondering if I take her for granted in all other aspects. This is not the case. I work shift so have days off during the week. During these days I always ensure the house gets a good clean so that if I am off at the weekends we can spend it together as a family. I would also make sure that there was some food ready for the both of them when they get home.

Time is something I do have working shift. But dont really manage to do anything with it. I think the last time I was out was a christmas party on the 8th of December. Have not played golf since daughter was born.

She would get more me time than I do, probably not enough either but as much as we can afford. Your right it probably does have nothing to do with sex. But fi she wont tell me what 'that something' is that still leaves me at a dead end.

As far as I see, I only have three options.
1. Put up with it and shut my mouth (not preferred)
2. Leave (even less preferred than the first)
3. Keep asking periodically to try and find out whats wrong. (not working well so far!)

LegacyUser

Really? The sex life of many men? 5 times in a year???

Also, Im not married, not yet anyway but why would you be happy with sex 5 times in a year? 1 box of condoms cannot last the normal married man with a child 2.5 years (supposing he only gets it once at a time). Thats crazy.

ManOfMystery

Unregistered wrote: »

And how does one help to remedy this situation?

That's a good question and probably one I'm not qualified to answer. First thing I would do is voice this to her and see what her reaction is, is it close to the truth or way off the mark? After that I'm not sure - if she thinks that (in her head at least) being a mother and also a sexual partner could seem like a conflict of interests, she would need to reconcile these two things. Many other women do it with no problems at all so it's not impossible. I'm sure your wife has sexual needs as well; is she ignoring these or have they disappeared altogether?

LegacyUser

Not sure about her sexual needs, she refuses to deal or talk about it. Thats the main cause of all this problem.

Im not sure if I would be happier if they were gone or if she was ignoring them.

If they were gone then at least I could understand. If she is ignoring them then why? Or worse still is she getting them fulfilled elsewhere. (although I do not believe this to be the case).

ManOfMystery

Communication is the key I guess and if she doesn't want to talk about it you can't force her. But if she's actively refusing to talk about it that seems to imply there is some sort of issue in her head at the moment.

weird

Most married men have horrible sex lives. All my married mates complain about ti all the time. Sorry.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I really feel for you, and I might get slated for this, but I think your oh is being very selfish. It can be very hurtful to be constantly rejected and every relationship should have a healthy sex life. She really needs to tackle whatever it is that's putting her off sex, it's just not fair of her to expect you to supress your frustration, we all have a right to a sex life ffs.

I have a 14 month old son with my partner and our sex life is pretty good, 4-5 times a week. Yeah, we're both tired, but I think it's good for a couple who have a young child to sexually connect, otherwise we could end up one of those non-sexual couples who call each other mammy and daddy, even when the kids have left home.... weirdos.

Anyway, I think you need to really let her see that her rejection is hurting and that she is being selfish in not attempting to solve the problem.
Relationships are hard work at times and I really feel it would benefit both of you if she was willing to try councelling, or even some gentle foreplay to start with and ease into full sex. Like you are both teenagers again, can really help build some sexual energy.

I'm a woman by the way, so I dont really buy into the whole messed up hormon thing as an excuse not to want sex. I admit I was a bit nervous after the 6 weeks of healing were up, but personally I decided to jump straight back in otherwise I was afraid I'd end up freaking out about it.

It's like riding a bike after all.

Good luck OP, and remember your feelings are just as valid as hers.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi OP,

I really feel for you, and I might get slated for this, but I think your oh is being very selfish. It can be very hurtful to be constantly rejected and every relationship should have a healthy sex life. She really needs to tackle whatever it is that's putting her off sex, it's just not fair of her to expect you to supress your frustration, we all have a right to a sex life ffs.

I have a 14 month old son with my partner and our sex life is pretty good, 4-5 times a week. Yeah, we're both tired, but I think it's good for a couple who have a young child to sexually connect, otherwise we could end up one of those non-sexual couples who call each other mammy and daddy, even when the kids have left home.... weirdos.

Anyway, I think you need to really let her see that her rejection is hurting and that she is being selfish in not attempting to solve the problem.
Relationships are hard work at times and I really feel it would benefit both of you if she was willing to try councelling, or even some gentle foreplay to start with and ease into full sex. Like you are both teenagers again, can really help build some sexual energy.

I'm a woman by the way, so I dont really buy into the whole messed up hormon thing as an excuse not to want sex. I admit I was a bit nervous after the 6 weeks of healing were up, but personally I decided to jump straight back in otherwise I was afraid I'd end up freaking out about it.

It's like riding a bike after all.

Good luck OP, and remember your feelings are just as valid as hers.

Thanks, I hope it all works out too. 4-5 times a week! I'm supremely jealous at the moment!!

LegacyUser

Sorry OP but I have been in the same sutuation as you for the last 7 years and I am afraid to report things do not improve! Have even come close to seeking FB for help much not easy in this country

b3t4

Unregistered wrote: »

really would hope that it will/would not come to counselling. And your right, she would 100% say no.

Why? If both of you do nothing about this situation then nothing is going to change.

By the rest of your post I think you may be wondering if I take her for granted in all other aspects.

The rest of my post was to get you questioning how you are in the relationship. From the sound of things you're pulling your weight.

Your right it probably does have nothing to do with sex. But fi she wont tell me what 'that something' is that still leaves me at a dead end.

For a lot of women, sex is about the mind. If you keep the mind happy the body follows. If you piss off the mind the body shuts up shop.

How about you ask your partner the following questions:
Is there anything that I do that pisses you right of?
How is she in general?
Does she feel happy, sad, angry etc?

Start asking other similar questions like that one, questions, that you might think have nothing to do with sex. You'll more likely to figure out what the actual problem is.

If the above doesn't work then you're going to have to get serious about this issue. No more pussy footing around the issue hoping that one day she'll wake up with the libido she once had. Stop fooling yourself. From what I can read, and by the way the two of you are communicating, or not communicating, with each other I'd say your best shot of sorting this situation out is to go for relationship counseling. If you don't want to take that advise then that's fine. Prepare yourself for many more years of misery.

VaioCruiser

OP - the sex part is not completely unusual. What is most upsetting is that she is being so dismissive and unhelpful when you try to talk about it.

This is totally unfair and selfish on her part, and is not justified by pregnancy, or hormones or anything. And what is this about no sex when pregnant ? This should be a wonderfully sexy time ! unless she was suffering some physical problems.

Women can go into a shell during this time, but at the least she should talk about it and tell you how she feels.

It is possible however that you are doing something we do not know about, that you are not telling us. It may be stuff that you are not even aware of or are in denial over.

It is impossible for us to know.