Any advice on a bad situation ??

AugMom

Hi all,

Dont know whether im posting in the right place, but here goes. Im just looking for any advice on a very difficult situation of mine. I currently share and co-own a house with my ex partner. We are split nearly 18 months and due to the economic climate havent been able to sell our home. We have twins together, and the arrangment up until now is we share the house until such a time we sell. We cannot sell at a negative equity as would owe the bank a fortune. I am only a part time worker, so dont pay as much off the mortage as he does every month.
However, i have started a new relationship some months ago and have recently discovered im pregnant. My new partner wants to be very much involved in this , but becasue i still own a house i cannot get housing off the council even tho i will have 3 kids. Im on a low income as it is but i cant go on living with my ex now. Is there anyway i could get around this ?? Any advice much appreciated. Thanks

weird

Seems like you've gotten yourself in a sticky situation. What you need is a buyer who willing to pay over odds and that isn't going to happen in this market unless your ex is willing to buy you out... and that isn't going to happen either I'd say. Sounds like you're stuck.

I feel sorry for your ex to be honest. He has to share a house with the mother of his children who has now gone and gotten pregnant by some other fella.

Don't you think it's a bit irresponsible having another child while you're in this state? Unplanned pregnancy or not, you've should have been taking precautions. Is this new guy willing to take care of you and have you live with him?

I'd say move out, live with this new fella or live with family and wait out the recession. Also, I'd do some serious soul searching if I were you. You're not making the best decisions in my opinion.

LegacyUser

i dont need to be judged by you or anyone else. I dont feel sorry for my ex at all, it was his decision to leave me and my children, so he caused this mess in the first place. I have got myself into trouble now and just looking for a solution to get out of that house as pain free as possible.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Your situation is terrible and Im sure you feel bad enough without other people being mean to you. My boyfriend was still living with his ex until recently and its not the healthiest situation by a long shot. It was also for financial reasons and they still havent sold the house.

Does your new man not have a house you could contribute to instead?If he is supportive then I dont think he would have a problem helping you out with a place to stay. I would go and see a solicitor asap and find out what your options are also.

weird

Unregistered wrote: »

i dont need to be judged by you or anyone else. I dont feel sorry for my ex at all, it was his decision to leave me and my children, so he caused this mess in the first place. I have got myself into trouble now and just looking for a solution to get out of that house as pain free as possible.

You're asking to be judged when you post on here. I gave you my honest opinion. Regardless of the reasons for the breakup, a few months later you're pregnant again. I honestly can't, given your situation, agree that getting pregnant was a good decision given your circumstances. This makes me question your decision making. You chose to get pregnant again. So going on what you've told me I have given the best advice I can.

Things being what they are if I were you I'd do the following, take a long look at myself and why I was in the situation I was in. Buddhism teaches us that we are causes of our own suffering... The choices we make put us where we are. Second, I'd get out of that house because that living situation is untenable. As you can not afford to rent another place, I'd suggest staying with family or friends.

it was his decision to leave me and my children, so he caused this mess in the first place

You find no solution in blaming others, your ex included. He may have left you, but you alone decided to get pregnant again with a new partner. No one put a gun to your head. The fact that you are pregnant and involved with another man is what has made your living situation go from bad to worse. You need to take respsonsibility for your own life and the choices you make.

I am looking at the big picture. You have these kids now, and the choices you make impact them. You emotional state and general stability directly impact on their quality of life. So this situation in the house can't be good for them.

Best of luck to you.

herya

AugMom wrote: »

We are split nearly 18 months and due to the economic climate havent been able to sell our home. We have twins together, and the arrangment up until now is we share the house until such a time we sell. We cannot sell at a negative equity as would owe the bank a fortune.

I don't think the prices will be back to the level you want them to be at meaning that you will have to sell at a negative equity anyway. It's very likely that the longer you wait the more you lose.

weird

herya wrote: »

I don't think the prices will be back to the level you want them to be at meaning that you will have to sell at a negative equity anyway. It's very likely that the longer you wait the more you lose.

You may be right, but I doubt her ex will be willing to to walk away in debt... he is the other owner on the house.

Kipperhell

You need to talk to your ex in a serious way. I assume he wants his children taken care of. If you two simply can't afford the house then you may have to sell in negative equity. Negative equity is all you can owe the bank so how huge it is depends on the value you bought and then sell at.

All things considered you may be better off being given financial aid then be put on the housing list. Your ex may need to move out in order for this to be a viable option. You will have two fathers that need to provide for their children and between them they should provide accommodation for the children as an off shoot they will have to provide you with accommodation options. You need to work out how much money you actually need and devise a way for it to be met which includes your own earning potential. Bare in mind realistically only your ex should be contributing to you personally but at a relatively small amount.

You need to go to a lawyer to sort out some legal issues. You can negotiate a payment differential for mortgage payments where by your ex may contribute less to the mortgage but retain 50% ownership. What ever you can really decide yourself. Say something like there is 4 people in the house in total ex has obligation to 2 you have 1 and new guys has 1. So if the mortgage is 1000 that is 500 to the ex 250 to you and the new guy. That is ignore living costs which should be shared between you and each father. Your ex probably has more responsibility to you as I am guessing that was a true decision based arrangement and not similar accident. Some tricky calculation need to be done and discussed and it depends greatly on your arrangement prior to split the other father should simply pay half of the expenses for his child.

Sinall

weird wrote: »

You're asking to be judged when you post on here. I gave you my honest opinion.

I think people who come on here are looking for advice, not to be judged. We don't know the sepcifics of the OP's situation - just the problem that she is asking for our opinions on.

OP, it sounds like a tricky situation that you are in. Unfortunately, the current economic climate means that you are unlikely to find a buyer who will pay above the current market value. And the fact that you have children with your ex means its more difficult to move out with your current partner (if that would be an option).

Financially it would be hard to move in with your current partner, plus keep up mortgage repayments on your house, but its worth thinking about.

weird

I think people who come on here are looking for advice, not to be judged. We don't know the sepcifics of the OP's situation - just the problem that she is asking for our opinions on.

In order to give advice we have to judge the situation. When you put your problems in a public forum you have to be prepared to be judged.

My opinion is the problem is her choices. The reason I point this out is so she can take action on this and hopefully decline from making further bad choices in the future. Somethimes the truth is hard to hear.

Many people were made victims by this crisis in the market value of homes... Many people have to deal with a break down of a marrige... but this whole thing of being pregnant with another fella's kid is another thing all together. Clearly it matters because she mentioned it.

As I read it her ex and her share this home, they both agreed to live in it until the market improved. I am sure this wasn't ideal. Then she hooks up with this new fella and gets preggers. That's what brough this situation to melting point. That's why she mentioned it. How many people did she impact with that choice? That's my point. She wants advice on how to fix the situation, then I would suggest stop making choices like that.

LegacyUser

weird wrote: »

Don't you think it's a bit irresponsible having another child while you're in this state? Unplanned pregnancy or not, you've should have been taking precautions. Is this new guy willing to take care of you and have you live with him?

Thats great help.

Can I PM you with my own personal problems, maybe you can point out how irresponsible and stupid I've been for the last 30 years of my life.

weird

Unregistered wrote: »

Thats great help.

Can I PM you with my own personal problems, maybe you can point out how irresponsible and stupid I've been for the last 30 years of my life.

Maybe if someone had you'd have a better life now?

LegacyUser

OP, I would speak with a solicitor regarding support for your twins. I would also agree you need to move out.

I have to say I agree with Weird, getting pregnant was not a good move. Also, you have to do the right thing and provide a good life for all your children as best as you can, I think that means leaving the house.

*Lees*

Wierd- What are you harping on about? :rolleyes: She asked for advice on what her options were, I didn't see anywhere in the OP asking what people think of her situation!! What you think about her being pregnant is irrellivent!! :rolleyes:

OP - Does your boyfriend have a house? Is there anyway you could rent a house together? It's a really difficult situation alright! To be honest, if it was your ex's decision to leave you and the kids, maybe he should do just that and move out!

Sinall

weird wrote: »

She wants advice on how to fix the situation, then I would suggest stop making choices like that.

She can't retrospectively change her past choices now! She is looking for the best way out of her current situation.

AugMom, I agree with Kipperhell, an appointment with a lawyer might help to make things clearer for you. Best of luck with it.

partyguinness

OP- It might first help if you tell us what you would like to do to make things easier for you? Have you something along those lines envisaged?

Silverfish

weird wrote: »

Maybe if someone had you'd have a better life now?

Weird, can you read the charter of this forum. This forum is for advice, not aggressive and antagonistic posting.

The Recliner

weird wrote: »

In order to give advice we have to judge the situation. When you put your problems in a public forum you have to be prepared to be judged.

People do not post in PI to be judged but to ask for help with issues

you can give your opinion but make it constructive, not judgemental

weird

Silverfish wrote: »

Weird, can you read the charter of this forum. This forum is for advice, not aggressive and antagonistic posting.

Just replying this snarky comment.

Originally Posted by Unregistered
Thats great help.

Can I PM you with my own personal problems, maybe you can point out how irresponsible and stupid I've been for the last 30 years of my life.

I don't think it was helpful either.

weird

Pimpey wrote: »

People do not post in PI to be judged but to ask for help with issues

you can give your opinion but make it constructive, not judgemental

Sorry, but I believe I am offering real help. I am pointing out the problem is with the OP's choices.

Aparently, you all think it's fine that she got pregnant while living in the same house as her estranged husband? That it was agood idea to have another child when she only has part time work? When she has no support system in place?

She brought it up in her original post, cleary it is a factor. Sorry if my opinion is not a popular one.

helimachoptor

OP would either you or new partner consider an abortion?
If you can't move in with him, your going to be raising a new child in a house with your ex and his 2 children. That is going to get very very messy and will probably lead to some serious issues between you, the ex and the new guy.

janbaby

I just can't believe how unbelieveably rude Weird is to this poor woman. Oh my God give her a break. People don't post comments here to be judged and abused, they do it to get advice.

Sinall

weird wrote: »

Sorry, but I believe I am offering real help. I am pointing out the problem is with the OP's choices.

Aparently, you all think it's fine that she got pregnant while living in the same house as her estranged husband? That it was agood idea to have another child when she only has part time work? When she has no support system in place?

She brought it up in her original post, cleary it is a factor. Sorry if my opinion is not a popular one.

Critisicing the OP's past choices is not very helpful - the issue is with her current predicament - she can't go back in time to change her decisions. Whether or not you think it was a good idea to have another child is not the point - the fact is that she is pregnant now and sharing a house with her ex - that is what she is looking for advice on.

The Recliner

janbaby wrote: »

I just can't believe how unbelieveably rude Weird is to this poor woman. Oh my God give her a break. People don't post comments here to be judged and abused, they do it to get advice.

there is a report a post function for any posts that are an issue, do not take posts to task as it is taking the thread off topic

Weird banned for a week for arguing moderation on thread

John Mason

the best solution i can see is to sign over the house to your ex, move in with your new bf.

leave the other kids with their father and start your new life

maybeso

An option that a friend of mine is currently doing - one of you seek to get mortgage approval to buy the other one out. In any case seek legal advise - a solicitor will be able to estimate how much you (or your ex) should be entitled to as a result of what you have contributed towards the house to date. Talk to your ex then, if he takes over 100% of the mortgage you should be entitled to some money from him and agreeing on this figure may be the hard part and where things might get messy.

But hopefully for your kids sake you will both want to make this as easy as possible for each other.

Good luck.

username123

So yourself and you ex have a mortgage on a property, you only work part time, and he pays more of the mortgage than you do?

Will the bank lend him enough to buy you out - I assume this is not an option or he would have done it already?

I also assume selling in negative equity is not an option if you cannot cover the shortfall no bank is going to agree to the unsecured portion of the mortgage?

What about you moving out and your ex staying there and getting someone in to rent your room and pay what you have been paying towards the mortgage?

What about renting the whole house out until such a time as the market improves to allow for a sale?

What about your new bf buying your ex out?

I have to agree with the unpopular opinion expressed here, you really need to think about the decisions you are making, clearly you are not even in a position to be paying half the current mortgage - why on earth did you take on a mortgage that you cannot pay your share of? That was an irresponsible financial decision to make. Now you have broken up with you ex but still under the same roof 18 months later. Thats another irresponsible decision. And now you are pregnant again with no means to support the children you already have, let alone a new child, plus you still live with your ex!

The real issue here is you taking responsibility for the consequences of the decisions you are making, You need to get a long term view and start behaving proactively and not reactively. You are responsible for the situation that you are in now, and unless you start making better decisions you will find that life is very difficult. Finances aside, how are your twins going to react to a new daddy so soon after the split from their own father?

Ozziej

weird wrote: »

Buddhism teaches us that we are causes of our own suffering...

Teaches YOU maybe. It would be easier to take your holier than thou judgements without hearing you justify it with mumbo jumbo b*ll****e. Weird Buddhism is looking after your own enlightenment and screw the world coz their suffering is their own fault. Well the Tibetans must be responsible for their own problems. Lets let the Chinese to it so. To think I was almost agreeing with you at start.

Desperate situation OP, but I guess you have three kids so you don't want to leave them do you? Looks like its your Ex that will really have to leave. Any way you and your new fella can buy him out. I suppose if he left you and didn't leave the house he only has himself to blame I reckon.

SarahMc

If the house is in negative equity, its not a case of buying someone out, it is a case of paying to get out. The very best you can hope for is if your ex agrees to you walking away from the house and its associated negative equity, although he will find it difficult for the bank to agree to this.

A lot depends on custody of the two children. Will your ex be happy for you to leave with them, or will he seek custody?