Absolute confusion

LegacyUser

Hi,

I moved into a new house several months ago. I met a girl there who I became really good "natural" friends with very quickly. She had a boyfriend, it seemed serious, so I was content with friendship despite being attracted to her. Then one night we're drunk, she says things, she suggests things but I stay strong and don't give in.

Then somehow over time, I don't know when exactly it happened but we started sleeping in each other's beds and spending whole days together and I loved every minute of it.

Several months of this pass by. She's in a long range relationship. This suddenly starts to irritate me a LOT. One day she got drunk, called the guy and broke up with him. Then the next morning immediately apologised.

I'll also point out that I've never seen this guy, he has never come to see her in 4 months despite being a 1 hour flight away.My instinct tells me he's some kind of screen but then she has made a lot of sacrifices to be with him so I don't know really.Anyway I don't care and I don't want to know, i just pretend it doesn't exist occassionally.

Anyway, foreseeing the pain, I asked her to be with me and she said no. So I thought fine, it's hard but I left. Then I get txts, she wants to meet up a lot it seems, she wants me to stay over with her.

She said,"I'm always happy when I'm with you"
Now I had control of my emotions up until that point.


I'm not about to get ****ed over but it's almost inevitable because I might love her even after time apart and even knowing the inevitable pain.

Why is she doing this? Does she want me to feel pathetic and embarrassed?
Whats actually happening?

I know I'm possibly being used but then I get confused by my own perspective since I'm told I'm too negative sometimes and that i should put faith in people or something but in fairness this just seems ridiculous.

rallye

You are being used!!!

She wants the attention she gets from you that she cant get from her boyfriend..

You are in the "Lets Just Be Friends" zone.. you are always there for her etc.. she offered "it" to you one night and you refused, you rejected her sexually.. so it was straight to the friend zone for you.

Start meeting other women and forget about her, tough i know but do it soon for your own sake.

LegacyUser

I'll also add that I'd did have sex with her and we fool around a bit also.

Wibbs

Well that's a bit different to your original story, where you resisted her advances and makes a big difference. So to recap, you've been close and having sex with this woman, while she was conducting a long distance relationship with someone else? I'm not surprised you're confused if that's what's going on.

prinz

Was once in a similar situation. Basically she is getting what she needs relationship wise from the OP, but IMO if the long distance guy snapped his fingers she'd go running without a second thought. I'd really suggest you end it, because I doubt it will work out well for you tbh.

LegacyUser

Yeah I don't get it, she's being going out with him for a good while but mostly long distance.

She says she's attracted to me and loves being around me. Like, what more does someone need? It doesn't make any sense, if i came to that conclusion, there'd be no confusion, Those are the only two boxes that really have to be ticked. no?

I can't wait around and I can't accpet second place even if it does work out. Everytime she mentions him even implicitly I get really angry which i suppress.

She cam onto me strong the first time which i said no too but then later on a more sober encounter i initiated the whole thing, which seemed like sense and thats how it started.

How can someone cheat on someone for so long and not question their own desire to be in the relationship. It's crazy.
I don't recognise any logic in her thought process.

I mean even if she doesn't want anything with me, why is she still with him?

prinz

Sorry mate bit sounds like you're falling for her. Harsh but true; you are the next best thing tbh. There is obviously something keep her wanting the other fella, you'll never IMO be able to compete with that properly. She probably felt lonely, unloved, unwanted whatever.. and basically you fulfill all the roles that she doesn't get from her OH. That's not to say that you will suddenly be No. 1 on the food chain for her affections, because you won't. You need to distance yourself from her, and go back to being platonic friends, because you are just digging a bigger hole for yourself on this one. You'll drive yourself crazy wondering what he has that you don't, what he gives her that you don't.. there's probably no answer to those questions, so don't even try, because eventually you will be asking her those questions, then you'll let your anger show... and then you'll drive her away even as a friend.

messygirl

in the words of doctor phil quoted here previously on boards, if she cheats with you she will cheat on you. Dont know many relationships that survive after the couple got together in the middle of another relationship. She sounds immature, attention seeking, having her cake and eating it too, she has her boyfriend in a different country and her bit of sex on the side with a great friend. She sounds like an emotional game player and you need to get out before you become more involved. You just have to stop sleeping with her and get out and meet unattached women who dont have two or more men on the line (if she is cheating on her boyfriend with you what is stopping her from cheating on you with someone else at the same time?) I would also get tested because you just never know!If she really cared for you that much she woul have dumped her boyfriend properly and been with you and just you. Its disrectful for you too that you are second best, because at the end of the day she is still choosing him! Sorry to be harsh, sometimes you need some tough love! Hope it works out!