Should I just leave it?

Escapism

I broke up with my Ex just over a year and a half ago. It wasn't a 'bad ' break up, there were no fights or screaming matches, it was all just kind of sad really because I think we meant so much to one another and it just didn't work out (bad timing and distance I think).

We've never seen each other since. It has absolutely killed me at times but I just got on with things and am pretty happy with my life (back to college, living in a great place, generally happy but it took time).

I've often thought about him and wondered how he's doing but I think I'm proud and won't ask anyone how he's doing because I just don't want anyone to know how much i care i think!

Anyway, one of my friends (after a few drinks at the weekend) told me that she heard on the grapevine that he took it all pretty hard and is asking about me and how I'm doing etc .... I felt like i'd been winded! I couldn't believe no-one had told me (but then I suppose i was putting on the front of 'i don't care anymore' ... such a faker!).

I hadn't felt like that for an age but as I was driving home Sunday evening, I actually cried at the thought of how it all worked out and knowing that he was cut up about it upset me.

So .... my question is should i just leave it and not get in touch?

I'll admit (but only here to strangers) that i've missed him so so much and I just don't know if there is anyone else like him out there .... (i'm half seeing someone, a casual kind of thing, first guy i was with since the Ex and i'm just so ...... indifferent about it/him).

worst of all .... I can't sleep again now because this is back in my head grrrr . thanks guys.x

G86

Leave it, it'll hurt him more to see you and know you're happier without him. If you arrange to meet him you're giving him a wee bit of hope that you might get back together, and when that doesn't happen it'll crush him all over again.

It's not your fault that he's so down, it wasn't for you and you had every right to walk away from it, but you need to leave it be now because much as you want to help him you can't be the one to do it.

Escapism

G86 wrote: »

Leave it, it'll hurt him more to see you and know you're happier without him. If you arrange to meet him you're giving him a wee bit of hope that you might get back together, and when that doesn't happen it'll crush him all over again.

It's not your fault that he's so down, it wasn't for you and you had every right to walk away from it, but you need to leave it be now because much as you want to help him you can't be the one to do it.

....... the thing is, I think if we could sort things out .... I'd get back together in the morning. I'm cracked about him! I'm afraid if 'I' contact 'HIM' he'll be the one to rebuff shall we say! Tis all a balls really

rallye

Are you 100% sure you want to get back with him? If so go for it.

But if arent sure about your intentions then leave him be, giving him false hope could send him back to the way he felt when ye first broke up.

Zambia

Ok so he wants you ,,, you want him ... I dont see the problem call him.

Escapism

rallye wrote: »

Are you 100% sure you want to get back with him? If so go for it.

But if arent sure about your intentions then leave him be, giving him false hope could send him back to the way he felt when ye first broke up.

If I'm pretty sure that he's the one I want to walk down the aisle to and have my kids with ... does that count as being 100% !!

I just have never heard from him (well not directly but apparently others have they just haven't told me) so I'm so afraid of ME being back to the way I felt felt when we broke up, I just couldn't go thru that again .... so fear is holding me back I guess ....

I think I'll have to do some recon ... and find out what the story is?

rallye

The reason you havent heard from him is because it was his way of healing.

Ask yourself this, can you live with the thought of waking up in ten years time and thinking "what if" ? i know i couldnt...

Love is tough but by what you have said i think you should contact him.

Doing recon is all well and good as long as your source is 100% reliable. You might hear back that he is doing great with a new girl but that might be because she is taking his mind of you, you might look at his facebook and see pics of him looking happy with another girl but if he knew you were interested it could be a different story and he might want you back.

So what im trying to say is that its only by asking him that you will find out if he wants you.

Escapism

Is email the cowards way out or is it a safe approach (i need a bit of self preservation / protection )??

Rallye, i always knew the silence was 'necessary', i understood it (most of the time) but how incredibly hard its been to maintain it!

rallye

You dont want to put him on the spot because it has been so long so email is probably the safest option as it will also give him time to divulge the information.

Say what you want to say though, no mind games just because you want to protect yourself.

Draft it up now or whenever but wait till the morning to send it.

Escapism

rallye wrote: »

You dont want to put him on the spot because it has been so long so email is probably the safest option as it will also give him time to divulge the information.

Say what you want to say though, no mind games just because you want to protect yourself.

Draft it up now or whenever but wait till the morning to send it.

Mind games?? from a woman .... never .

Jesus ... i've tried to draft it like last night .... but send it in the MORNING .... feck, i think i need to start smoking again!

right ... i'm off to re-draft!

rallye

Yeah thankfully i have learned how to react to ye women and yer mind games

Keep us updated!

wexford202

I was in a similar situation before and I have always regretted never goiing back.

Never have regrets.

You will not know until you try.

If it's not meant to be that's just life but at least you will not live your life wondering what if.

Escapism

Well it pays to do a little re-con!! I emailed a friend of mine last night to see if she knew who he'd been chatting to!!!

HER! ...... a few months back.

And I think my head is a bit wrecked now!

"He did take it hard and it wasn't an easy decision for him to make but he thought it was for the best because he didn't see things working out as he had hoped they would"

I can't believe i have to write this, I'm mortified to say that he told her he loved me but not in the couple way, more as a friend!

Mortified because someone i know and trust KNEW this about me and i think might have said it to others but not me, though i'm not sure.

I don't know who he's been talking to about me since but I'm not sure what he wants to gain from all this chatting to my friends. I now feel like a total twat for hoping.

rallye

He is just keeping his protective barrier up, he doesnt see you as a friend because if he did he would have been in touch already!!

Just send the email, otherwise your head will self destruct..

Wurly

Hey OP - you've mentioned that you haven't seen him since you's broke up. Are you absolutely sure he's single?

Escapism

Trí wrote: »

Hey OP - you've mentioned that you haven't seen him since you's broke up. Are you absolutely sure he's single?

99% sure but might try find out for deffo

Escapism

rallye wrote: »

He is just keeping his protective barrier up, he doesnt see you as a friend because if he did he would have been in touch already!!

Just send the email, otherwise your head will self destruct..

Rallye ... are you a bit of a romatic at heart .

Waiting to hear from another friend (the one who alerted me to all this in the first place) to see WHO she heard what she heard from ... i got such a shock, i forgot to ask!

Wurly

Escapism wrote: »

99% sure but might try find out for deffo

I think that's the first thing you should do. Hold off on everything for the moment and find out that vital piece of info.

It'd be a bit cringe if you sent the mail and then found out he was in a relationship.

Best of luck.

rallye

Ha Ha me a romantic?? only with the right woman...

I think you should send the email regardless of what you think his answer may be.

If you find out he is with someone from one of your friends (which is not a big deal by the way) i think your head will be in a worse place because of all these resurfaced emotions you are feeling. As i said earlier, the only person who has the answers you need is him!!

At least by sending it you will get closure one way or another and if he is not interested then you can move on.

Another thing though, lads dont talk about their ex especially to their ex's friends unless they still have some feelings still in there. When i broke up with my first girlfriend i never brought her up in conversation with anyone because i had no interest in her anymore.

LauraLoo

take the chance

you say you broke up due to "bad timing"

maybe now is the right time

LegacyUser

Having been in you ex BF's position i would say go for it but you don't have to go gung ho. You could just initiate contact and see where it goes.

To her and the world i was having the time of my life, seeing a gorgeous new young lady etc had been on lads hol which i had never been up to that point everything else was going great but inside i still missed and loved her.

She came back to me we got back together i dumped the new girl and thought i couldn't live with the what ifs if i'd turned down the chance. So we gave it a go got back together, sparks flew and it was over again for good in a month!! BUT we both never looked back moved on with our lives and its all ancient history now and like a different lifetime. Don't regret it one bit even though it failed it was the closure needed. So for that reason alone its worth trying and who knows it may well end up going perfectly. either way you've nothing to loose but a little face, don't ever let pride stand in the way of honestly and guts

Escapism

You guysssss ... i love you all .... that has all been so nice to read

I wasn't going to do a thing to be honest ... after hearing that stuff from my 'friend' I was so upset, I cried yesterday on the way home and decided to leave it .....

Until last night when I was in the bed and I said Fcuk it ... what have i got to lose (pride schmide)

I turned the light back on, grabbed a notebook and pen and wrote probably the most honest thing i've ever written in my life .... nothing to sloppy or full of bull, a little bit of a sting to it but you know he has hurt me so!! ... its messy writing, the notebook isn't proper 'writing paper' but when i read it this morning again I was happy, so i just added a p.s. and today I posted it!!!!!!!

It was pure honesty that I wrote (i'm hoping fit won't freak him out) ... HOWEVER I made it clear that from what i'd heard he doesn't love me (only as a friend) and if this was the case really then there could be nothing, we'd have to go back to the silence that we've had because i can't do this any other way. I said I still have feelings for him and I boldly said that i didn't believe that he doesn't love me !!!!

........ guys, its my instinct and i have to go with it, I just don't want to have regrets especially where he is concerned!

I'm so grateful to you all for sharing your thoughts with me ... I haven't glossed the story up, its just honest stuff and I needed some unbiased, uninvolved thoughts and opinions so thank you.xx

Sephiroth_dude

Escapism wrote: »

You guysssss ... i love you all .... that has all been so nice to read

I wasn't going to do a thing to be honest ... after hearing that stuff from my 'friend' I was so upset, I cried yesterday on the way home and decided to leave it .....

Until last night when I was in the bed and I said Fcuk it ... what have i got to lose (pride schmide)

I turned the light back on, grabbed a notebook and pen and wrote probably the most honest thing i've ever written in my life .... nothing to sloppy or full of bull, a little bit of a sting to it but you know he has hurt me so!! ... its messy writing, the notebook isn't proper 'writing paper' but when i read it this morning again I was happy, so i just added a p.s. and today I posted it!!!!!!!

It was pure honesty that I wrote (i'm hoping fit won't freak him out) ... HOWEVER I made it clear that from what i'd heard he doesn't love me (only as a friend) and if this was the case really then there could be nothing, we'd have to go back to the silence that we've had because i can't do this any other way. I said I still have feelings for him and I boldly said that i didn't believe that he doesn't love me !!!!

........ guys, its my instinct and i have to go with it, I just don't want to have regrets especially where he is concerned!

I'm so grateful to you all for sharing your thoughts with me ... I haven't glossed the story up, its just honest stuff and I needed some unbiased, uninvolved thoughts and opinions so thank you.xx

If its meant to be its meant to be and if its not you'll be ok without him,best of luck hope it works out for you .

Escapism

We're back together and planning to get married at Christmas .......... my ass !!!!!

I NEVER HEARD SO MUCH AS A SQUEAK FROM HIM but I was chatting to his mother and brother.... I decided feck him, I wasn't not gonna be in touch with people just because he wouldn't talk to me .....

I'm annoyed though cause I didn't deserve this silent treatment, he's a jackass but I still miss him sometimes.

Anyway, the only way to get over a man is ...... to get under another

Sorry i don't have a happily ever after ending to this thread but thanks for 'listening' when i needed it ... xx

thebiggestjim

No regrets at least. now you can move on with a clear head.

Good luck.